New Christmas Jokes
90 new christmas jokes and hilarious new christmas puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new christmas that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest New Christmas Short Jokes
Short new christmas jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new christmas humour may include short traditional christmas jokes also.
- For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus It's the little things that count
- Knock Knock Knock knock
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna happy new year!
Merry Christmas and a happy new year, Reddit :) - My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree. You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.
- My daughter really wants a dog this Christmas I am open for new ideas but we normally eat turkey.
- I'm sure my wife liked the new refrigerator that I bought her for Christmas. When she opened it her face lit up!
- I'm getting my wife a new prosthetic leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.
- People ask how I'm so prepared for Christmas It's easy I had all presents wrapped and hidden in the attic since august, my girlfriend is going to love her new puppy
- Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas! Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!
- Just now, from my dad: Have you heard the new Christmas carol from India? We Vishnu a Merry Krishnas.
- Try your luck! Want to win a new cellphone for Christmas?
Scratch below with a nail.
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Good luck!!!
Share These New Christmas Jokes With Friends
New Christmas One Liners
Which new christmas one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new christmas? I can suggest the ones about christmas holiday and kids christmas.
- This Christmas, I got a new car for my wife I thought it was a great trade.
- The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- I got a new white board for Christmas... It's remarkable....
- Wife just got me a new tv for Christmas! Looks like my New Years resolution is 1080.
- Have you heard about the new Star Trek Christmas movie? It's The Wreath of Khan
- What did the blind paraplegic child get for Christmas? Cancer.
Happy new years folks! - Merry christmas and happy new year! - Internet explorer
- In Bulgaria we have three holidays Christmas, New Year and everyday.
- The McRib is back. Because you're getting new underwear for Christmas anyway.
- Perfume Released For Babies - Just In Time For Christmas! New Gucci Goo - By Gucci
- I got new underwear for Christmas. Out with the holed, in with the new.
- This year, Starbucks are issuing a new cup size for Christmas. It's called the Adventi.
- George Michael dropped a new album Last Christmas, Remastered.
- What did America get for Christmas? A new *Precedent*
- Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Sorry, I suffer from p**... congratulation.
Howlingly Hilarious New Christmas Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about new christmas you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad christmas jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new christmas pranks.
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a new bulb before Christmas and another one to screw it up.
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For Christmas, my wife wanted something that would go from zero to 160 in 4 seconds
So I bought her a new scale.
So I was walking through Wal-Mart looking to buy new ornaments for my christmas tree, when I saw an Obama ornament.
Funny, I didn't know it was acceptable to hang a black man from a tree again.
A little boy calls his best friend on Christmas day...
HEY! So what did you get for Christmas? The second little boy pauses and says well I got a gift card and a t-shirt…you?
The first little boy excitedly replies Oh man, I got a new scooter, a new 3DS XL. A PS Vita. A new bike and were going to Disneyland on Friday. Can't believe all you got was a gift card and t-shirt! to which the second little boy replies well…at least I don't have cancer…
You want what?
While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.
"Nope." replied Jimmy.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".
Again Jimmy says "Nope."
"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the n**...'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of l**.... Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.
His father, caught in mid s**..., turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
Without missing a s**..., his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."
It's starting to look like Christmas in New York
A lot of the stores have trees in the window
We are thinking about making chili for Christmas Eve.
We're starting a new tradition called 'silent but deadly night'.
Time to pun-ish you all!
A rope walked into a bar. The bartender looked at it and said, "Hey! No ropes in here!" So the rope walked out. Once outside, it twisted upon itself a number of times, then rubbed it's short free end until it was just a bunch of fibers without any organization. Upon completion of this, the rope walked back into the bar. The bartender looked at it and asked, "Are you a rope?" The rope responded, "I am a frayed knot."
A man walked into Denny's shortly before christmas. He was seated and ordered eggs benedict. He was surprised when the waiter brought his food out on a shiny, new hubcap. When he inquired as to why, the waiter responded, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise."
The double meaning of Christmas!
I bought a new 6 foot, artificial, LED Christmas tree yesterday.
The sales assistant asked " Are you putting this up yourself sir?"
"No, it's going in the living room as usual" I replied.
Santa's Jokes
Question: What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?
Answer: Sandy Claws.
Question: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can h**...-h**...-h**....
Question: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Answer: Frostbite.
Question: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
Question: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Answer: Ribbon hood.
Question: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Answer: Claustrophobic.
Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.
Question: Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her grandmother a packet od handkerchiefs for Christmas?
Answer: She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!
Question: What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given for Christmas?
Answer: It was wound up already.
Question: What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
Answer: Forty feet of track - all straight!
I wanna tell you what kind of luck I've got. If this year I cornered the mistletoe market, they'd postpone Christmas.
Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.
Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.
Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."
Every Christmas pageant throughout the world has a scene showing Joseph leading Mary into Bethlehem on a donkey. Do you realize what would happen if the Republicans asked for equal time?
Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/ cellular phone, calling for reservations.
Sometimes I get the feelin that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
Family xmas problem solved
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
Bing Crosby
A long time ago, back in the autumn of 1952, when Bing Crosby was
filming the movie "White Christmas" in New Hampshire, the Mayor of
Nashua, NH thought it would be a great idea to have Bing visit their
fair town & present him with the key to the city on the steps of City
Hall. You know, a nice little photo op for the mayor's re-election &
a
way for some of the town's dignitaries to meet the Great Bing Crosby.
Now one as to remember, Bing Crosby at this time was at the peak of his singing career. He was bigger than Elvis, the Beatles, Sinatra, Lady GaGa & the Beach Boys all put together. He crossed generational lines, admired by young & old as one of the "coolest cats" in the music world.
Well, word leaked out that Bing would be in town so hundreds of
teenagers skipped school to attend the little ceremony. The
authorities were not prepared for such a large crowd, there were only a few policemen present, and things soon got out of hand. Pushing &
shoving began as the teenagers all wanted to get closer to see their hero. It soon looked like the Mayor was going to a have a riot on his hands and he was growing more frantic by the minute. All he wanted was a nice little ceremony with Bing and now he had a full fledged uprising threatening to ruin everything.
Throughout all this Bing was seated in his chair, calmly observing
what was happening. When the crowd started to push through the barricades that were set up, he had had enough. Bing got up, strolled to the microphone & said in a commanding voice, "All right, everyone cool down right now"! The rioting crowd immediately calmed down and the Mayor's little ceremony went on without a hitch & everyone went home happy.
The next day's newspaper headline read: CROSBY STILLS NASHUA YOUNG!!
Sick days
For some reason when I get sick it always happens at the most suspicious time. For example, last year, I got sick the day before Thanksgiving. I called in sick, took the day off, and recovered over my now 5-day weekend.
Then Christmas rolled around, and I ended up getting the flu the day before I was due back at work. So I called in sick again and didn't end up back at work until after New Year's.
A few weeks later, it was my birthday, and I came down with a 24-hr stomach bug the night before! At this point I could tell my co-workers and boss were getting suspicious.
Not one month later my boss was having us stay overtime after work and I was hit with a severe migraine around lunch. This time I could tell that my boss definitely didn't believe me.
At that moment, while I was leaving the office building with the sunshine beating down on my pulsing headache, the reason why I got sick on all those days became apparent. I'm a pathological liar that hates to work.
What was Santa's christmas-present for the kid with no hands?
new gloves for the cold days
I ordered a new kitchen set for my mum for Christmas online,
It hasn't been dispatualed yet.
This christmas at the Manning household, Peyton remarks about how his new ring is so much shinier than the old one...
Eli, "Did the defense polish it for you?"
Trying a new thing with my wife....
I've been trying this new thing with my wife. Whenever we have s**... I secretly put a dollar in an envelope. However much is in the envelope at the end of the year will be spent on her Christmas present.
So far she's getting a McChicken
Three men are talking at work the day after Christmas
It wasn't long before one of them starts bragging. "I bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 6 seconds!"
"What is it?" The others ask.
"A brand new Mercedes!"
"Ha, but I've bought my wife something that goes from 0 to 100 in only 3 seconds!" Said one of the others.
"What is it?" The first guy asks.
"A brand new Porsche!"
"You guys are pathetic." Said the third guy. "The present I've bought goes from 0 to 100 in half a second!"
"A scale."
Have you heard the new album of Christmas Carols by the Deaf Choir Of Great Britain?
No?
Neither have they
I decided to get my girlfriend & her sister new jackets for Christmas
That is why I bought a pair of new gloves.
My mom wants a new cooking skillet for Christmas.
I haven't got the dough, but oh well, we'll see how things pan out.
My new girl friend is always saying Christmas gifts should be "personal". So I was disappointed to discover...
...my whole family named on the court order.
I asked for a new gaming console for Christmas, instead I got some torn up cardboard, I asked why
"I thought you asked for an ex-box?"
PSA: When traveling to New York City this Christmas season, beware guys in red fur yelling "h**..., h**..., h**...!"
He may not be Santa.
My drug dealer just bought me a new pair of sneakers for Christmas
I can't tell what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day
I spent £200 on a new Hoover for my wife for Christmas...
I bet it ends up collecting dust
Christmas in rural America
I live in rural America. On Christmas morning occasionally I will hear gun shots in the distance. This means one of two things:
1) Someone got a new gun for Christmas
2) Someone didn't
What do Jewish kids say to their Christian friends at Christmas?
Sorry we killed your saviour, can we play with his new toys.
New Years Resolutions
Me and the wife were having Christmas drinks with friends when one asked, "what's everyone's new years resolution?"
I said, "Mine's going to be, to have more s**...."
"Oh great!" my wife sighed.
"Don't worry, love" I assured her, "it's not going to affect you."
Janet, a bit tipsy from the champagne, didn't realize the new office photocopier was a 3D photocopier.
So Steve got a nice bust for his bookshelf for christmas.
The new Jeremy Corbyn christmas jumper is really tricky to make...
It's very labour intensive.
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
This new Rolex that the lesbian couple next door got me for Christmas is nice and all...
...but I don't think they understood what I meant when I said "I wanna watch".
It was Christmas Eve and my wife came home after a busy day of shopping...
As we were getting undressed for bed, I noticed a mark on the inside of her leg.
"What's that?" I asked.
"I went to a tattoo parlor today and on the inside of one leg, I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas' and on the inside of the other one, they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"
Perplexed, I asked, "Why did you do that?"
"Well..." she replied. "Now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years."
Did you hear about the new Christmas restaurant downtown?
They have an eggs Benedict dish that they service on car hub caps - it's called there's no plates like chrome for the hollandaise
Credit to Colin Mochrie.
A man goes to the doctors to find a cure for his lack of hearing
The doctor prescribed a hearing apparatus, and scheduled him in for surgery in December.
After the surgery was complete, the man asked the doctor if everything went well. The doctor responded, "everything is fine sir. We've run our tests and you're ready to be discharged. Merry Christmas, and a happy new ear.
What did the Italian barista say when he received a new car for his christmas bonus?
It's a merry car, no?
My Son is such a c**t...
I bought him a new trampoline for christmas and all he wants to do is sit in his wheelchair and cry.
Two siblings, a boy and a girl opens their Christmas presents
The boy received a football hat while the girl received a wonderful gold necklace.
The next year, the boy received a puzzle and the girl received an new wardrobe full of clothes.
And the next year again, the boy finds out he got a cheap chinese phone while his sister received an iPhone X.
So this year, after the opening, the girl says: "Haha! mom and dad loves me more!"
The boy replies: "Haha! I don't have a tumor"
Christmas Break
There are 2 boys. Timmy and Bill. They just got back from Christmas break. The first boy, Timmy, says to Bill, I had the best Christmas ever! I got a new bike, new shoes, and an Xbox with all my favorite games on it. What'd you get Bill? He says, I only got a sweater. The first boy asks, Why? Bill answers, Its because I don't have cancer, Timothy.
The lesbian couple upstairs
Got me a new Rolex for Christmas. I think they may have misunderstood when I told them I wanna watch.
NEW XMAS SONG CONTROVERSY
The media is reporting that the Xmas song, 'All I Want For Christmas is my Two Front Teeth' as being offensive to r**...
My lesbian neighbors invited me to their house for Christmas night
I swear to God, all I ever asked for was a new Rolex
I'm getting my kids a new puppy for Christmas
I wrapped him last week, they are going to be so surprised.
May your Christmas and New Year be like "The Notebook"...
Get so wasted you don't remember Ryan Gosling.
The new range of women's tampons don't have strings....
They have tinsel for the Christmas period
Knew a girl that had a Christmas tattoo on one leg and a New Years tattoo on the other.
I asked if I could come up between the holidays.
As I was inserting my third battery into my new toy gift...
My dad remarked that this wasn't the kind of puppy that needed batteries.
Merry Christmas!
A new product idea
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Have you decided what you want for Christmas?" the bartender asks. "Yeah, I think I really would like one of those mind-controlled air fresheners," the guy replies. "It just makes sense when you think about it."
New Year, Old Me
Got a fitness tracker for Christmas and it's been on my wrist ever since. I haven't done any running yet, but I've m**... 5 miles.
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents' house the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.
The younger boy began praying at the top of his voice. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE!"
the older brother leaned over and nudged his younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandma is!" the little brother replied
