New And Improved Jokes
15 new and improved jokes and hilarious new and improved puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about new and improved that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest New And Improved Short Jokes
Short new and improved jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The new and improved humour may include short newly jokes also.
- The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store. But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new star. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.
- I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office. It improved my outlook.
- Why was the protein powder maker never satisfied with his work? He always kept looking for new wheys to improve
- Me: hey you following the Apple event? Friend : what's that?.. No I'm not following it
Me : New Apple products and improvements are getting announced today
Friend : anything free?
Me : iWish - My new slide which disposes the beverage you asked while sliding down definitely needs improvement. Apparently it does not know how to separate a request and an expression of "wheeeee!".
- The doctor told me to relieve stress by improving my s**... life. So I started using some new search terms and I feel better already!
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New And Improved One Liners
Which new and improved one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with new and improved? I can suggest the ones about new fresh and new invention.
- Did you hear what sandy did to New Jersey? A few billion dollars worth of improvements
New And Improved Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about new and improved you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean newest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make new and improved pranks.
In the mid 1800s a primitive c**... was developed in New Zealand, made from a sheep intestine.
It wasn't until the early 1900s that it made it's way to Australia, where it was immediately improved by removing it from the sheep.
NASA CHICKEN CANON
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
A man stormed into the Doctor's office
A man stormed into the doctor's office full of excitement. He grabbed the doctor's hand and pumping it furiously, exclaimed Doc, I just want to thank you and tell you how your treatments have improved my life! The bold way that incorporate new scientific breakthroughs with traditional holistic has made all the difference, Thank you!
The doctor, amazed and confused, stammered Thank you, but you're not one of my patients..
I know, said the man, but my uncle was and I'm his only heir!!
A man goes to the Apple store
To upgrade his iPhone, wondering why all the new products looked the same as the old but had a plus next to them.
He asked an employee who said, "yeah if we add a plus next to the products people think they're better than the really are."
Later that night as the man was getting frisky with his girlfriend, she rolled her eyes as he excitedly disrobed. "Do you think you're going to do anything with those 2 inches?"
"What do you mean? Behold! I'm excited to announce the new and improved 2 inch PLUS!"
Topical Jokes for 1/24
SkyMall Magazine has filed for bankruptcy. SkyMall blamed the decline in sales on the fact that s**... people have run out of money.
Scientists have proved that hearing jokes and the voices of family members helps coma patients wake up faster. One family started doing a comedy show, and the coma patient sprinted out of the hospital.
In New Hampshire, four bears died after they overdosed on chocolate bait. Even more tragic, one of the bear's New Year's Resolutions was to eat better.
A study has revealed that sitting for long periods increases your risk of death. It's especially lethal if you sit for a period longer than 100 years.
Cubans hope that improved relations with the US will also bring better internet access. To give you an idea of how slow Cuba's internet is, they're still waiting for Gangnam Style to load.
A son has just gotten his report card, it's not good....
"Hello father, here's my report card....", the son says.
"All Cs!" His father is furious. "Son, if you don't improve your grades by next term I will disown you....if you don't get As, I don't want you to call me father any more!"
.....next term comes and goes.....the son gets his report card.....that night he goes home....and right before he goes to bed his father asks about his new report card....
The son replies:
"I'm very tired, let's talk tomorrow. Goodnight uncle!"
(This joke was given to me by a friend in China)
Pleasing Women
Three women go on vacation to an extravagant resort.
Upon arrival, the manager tells them, "we actually just opened a new building for single women, such as yourself! It has four stories, and you get to choose one of which you will stay in. Each floor has different types of men, and there will be signs at the entrance to each story, telling you what types you will find."
Figuring that it would be a fun adventure, they agree to these terms.
The women get to the first floor of the building. The sign reads "The Men on This Floor are Short, Pale, and Ugly".
Not seeing a reason why they would want to stay there, they proceed to the next floor, where they see a sign that reads "All Men on This Floor Are Average In Every Sense".
They begin to see a trend, and proceed to the next floor, wondering if their luck will improve.
The sign on the third floor reads "All Men on This Floor Are Tall, Dark, and Stunningly Handsome".
The women begin to get excited. They realize that this would be a wonderful floor to stay on, but curiosity gets the best of them, so they press on to the fourth and final floor.
Upon arrival to the last floor, they find a sign that reads
"There are no men on this floor. This floor was built with the sole purpose of proving that there is no way to please a woman."