Never Ending Jokes
118 never ending jokes and hilarious never ending puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about never ending that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Never Ending Short Jokes
Short never ending jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The never ending humour may include short endless jokes also.
- Never get married. It'll only end in divorce. The statistics don't lie. 100% of divorces started with marriage. Can't say I didn't warn you.
- Today it became clear to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on the keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an email with 'Regards' ever again.
- Q: What word begins with M and ends in arriage and is a mans favourite thing? A: Miscarriage
This joke never gets old, just like the baby. - The E.U has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country after Brexit. I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
- A chicken saw a duck standing by the side of the road. The chicken called out to the duck: Don't do it pal. You'll never hear the end of it!
- I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriends bra. I gave up in the end. I wish I never tried it on in the first place.
- My wife was giving a speech at her parents' wedding anniversary, and my phone battery ran out in the middle of recording it. Now I'll never hear the end of it.
- I swear I just troll-dadded this on the spot when my daughter asked... "Dad, what's a preposition?"
"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with." - A Duck is about to cross the road When a chicken runs out to stop him screaming "Don't do it man - you'll never hear the end of it!"
- Take my advice - Do not interrupt your wife while she's trying to tell you a joke. You'll never hear the end of it.
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Never Ending One Liners
Which never ending one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with never ending? I can suggest the ones about everlasting and infinite.
- I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to Now I'll never hear the end of it
- The ChatGPT servers must be stuck in a never-ending game of chess with each other.
- What is the worst thing about getting hit in the face with PI? It never ends.
- Im getting tired of the book "Life of Pi." It never ends.
- Why does the end of the world never come? Because it's round.
- I'm getting sick of the book, "Life of Pi". It never ends.
- What do blind people think of a basketball? It's a never ending story.
- Never discuss π with a mathematician... You'll never hear the end of it!
- I've never heard a good circumcision joke. They always get cut off right at the end.
- I think I deleted my dad's audiobook I will never hear the end of it
- I lost my wife's audiobook Now I'll never hear the end of it.
- What do you call a story that never ends? b∞k
- Dave lost his wife's audiobook... And now he'll never hear the end of it.
- what's the worst thing about a pi eating contest? it never ends
- My hummus is never ending. It goes on a naan.
Never Ending Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about never ending you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nonstop jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make never ending pranks.
A tourist is eaten by a python at the zoo.
Two tourists from the Czech republic are visiting New York. At the zoo, one leans forward, trying to get real close to the pythons. He falls down into the enclosure and is quickly swallowed whole.
Panicking, the other guy runs up to a caretaker and cries out for help. The caretaker asks him: "Which of these pythons ate your friend, the male or the female one?"
"That one! That one!", exclaims the Czech, pointing at the male snake, bloated with its stomach full. The caretaker runs up behind the satiated snake, cuts it open and pulls out ... a feeder pig.
"Oh no, it must have been the other one", yells the tourist. So the keeper cuts open the female snake, and sure enough, out comes the tourist.
In the end, the tourist could be revived, and miraculously, both snakes managed to live through the events, but there's still a lesson to be learned here: Never trust someone who tells you the Czech is in the male.
The police vs the senior citizen
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mp...h, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife
ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper
The secret to wealth
A young man once asked a rich older man how he made all his money.
The dapper old fellow smoothed his tailored jacket and said, "Well young man, it was 1932, in the depths of the Great Depression. I was down to the last penny I had."
"I took that penny and I went and bought an apple. I spent the whole day shining that apple until it gleamed like the sun, then I took that apple to the market and sold it for two cents."
"The next day I took those two cents and bought two apples. I shined those apples all day and night until they were perfect, then I sold them at the market for four cents the next day. I worked at it like this for a month, sometimes selling, sometimes not, and at the end of the month I'd amassed myself a fortune. Nearly eight whole dollars. I'd never been so proud of myself in my life."
"Then my wife's father died and left us 2 million bucks."
What's a word that starts with an N ends in an R, and is something you never want to call a black person?
Neighbour
Charlie the Street Car Conductor
Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."
Elephant in the vegetable patch
An elephant escapes from a zoo and ends up in a little old ladies vegetable garden and starts munching. Having never seen an elephant in her life, she freaks out and calls the police.
"There's a giant creature in my yard and it's pulling out my vegatables with it's tail!"
"What's it doing with them?"
"If I told you, you'd never believe me!"
Pi pick up line
I thought I'd try out one of my friend's pick up lines the other day…
Me: My love for you is like pi
Chica: How so?
Me: It's never ending.
Her response: Also irrational.
An elephant escaped from the circus...
...and ended up in a little old lady's back garden. The lady had never seen an elephant before, so she rang the police.
"Please come quickly," she said to the policeman who answered the phone. "There's a strange looking animal in my garden picking up cabbages with its tail."
"What's it doing with them?" asked the policeman.
"If I told you," said the old lady, "you'd never beleive me!"
Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...
...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, p**...! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!
Then p**...! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?
Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.
Joe shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !
I read Sci Fi the same way that I read recipes
I skip to the end and think, "that'll never happen"
s**... is like ping pong
A never ending push and pull until one partner loses the ball
I'm never buying a fish fryer from Linkin Park ever again.
I fried so hard, and got sole far, but in the end it doesn't even batter!
Things Men Shouldn't Say in a Victoria's Secret Store
1. No thanks... Just sniffing.
2. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
3. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable.
4. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
5. Will you model this for me?
6. Oh, honey, I'll never fit into that.
7. $85? Are you kidding? She's just going to end up *n**...* anyway!
Why do Emos still exist?
Because the Suffering never ends.
A conversation with god about Trump
John (while writing Revelations): "So Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"
God: "No... I said Trump/Pence."
John: Yeah, trumpets.
God: "Never mind. They'll know."
A duck was standing by the roadside waiting for a break in traffic so it could cross.
It watched the vehicles zooming past, seemingly uncaring of its plight. Just when the mayhem started to lull a chicken walked up and said "Don't do it, mate. You'll never hear the end of it"
Human-beings get rich as they grow old:
Silver in Hair;
Gold in Teeth;
Sugar in Blood;
Precious Stones in Kidney;
And a never ending supply of Gas!
What is it that starts with an R and never ends?
Reorganization
Wise words from a Gravestone
In life... a man needs a woman he can laugh with,
a woman who will cook for him,
a woman who he can enjoys life's adventures with,
and it's super important that these women never meet,
Otherwise you will end up in the ground like me.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard.
This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending an email with the phrase "Regards" again.
My boss always complained about getting into conversations
I told him that the best way to end a conversation was to never start one.
He hasn't talked to me since that day.
My wife is furious I left my son's concert early to go out to the bar...
I'll never hear the end of it
TIL: h**... never had a driving license
No wonder he couldn't end a race
What starts in M end in arriage and is a guys favorite thing?
Misscarrige!
That joke never gets old...Just like the baby
Had my medical license revoked today.
Being a medical professional is like being in a minefield. All it takes is one mistep and you can lose it all. I made a one-time mistake and slept with a patient. A co-worker heard her passionate crys and came to find us in the act. Embarrassing be as it was, I never expected to be the end of my career.
12 years wasted as a veterinarian.
What happens when you make your SO leave the concert early with you?
You'll never hear the end of it.
One time I tripped and spilled my drink on someone in the middle of a joke they were telling.
I never heard the end of it.
My wife wears my shirts around the house and I never freak out...
Wear one of her dresses once and it's the end of our marriage.
A duck was standing on the curb
Cars zoomed past the duck while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to him and said "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."
The duck and the chicken
So a duck is contemplating whether or not to cross the road, then a chicken walks up to him and tells him
"Don't do it man" the chicken said, "You'll never hear the end of it."
s**... with my wife is like the England World Cup squad
neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.
It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.
It's always over far too quickly and when it does end we know it'll be at least another 4 years before it happens again.
Smoking Kills
Experts say that every time you inhale a drag of a cigarette, it takes 7 seconds off your life.
When I was a teenager, my best friend and I tried cigarettes for the first time. I ended up smoking for 25 years, but my friend only inhaled **once**.
Yesterday, while out walking his dog, he got hit by a bus and was killed instantly.
I can't get it out of my mind - I keep thinking - if he never had inhaled that one time - we probably could have heard him scream.
Me and my blind wife always argue.
She never sees the end of it.
Every time I urinate, I end up m**....
I never know if I'm coming or going.
I was warned in November 2016...
People warned me, that if I voted for Hillary Clinton it would be the end of civility and truthfulness in the US as we know it, the deficit would skyrocket, and there would be never ending investigations of the president.
Well, I voted for Hillary and that was what happened!
The chicken saw a duck standing beside a road
The chicken saw a duck standing beside a road. The chicken went up to the duck and said don't do it you'll never hear the end of it
A Duck is standing on the side of the road waiting a for break in the traffic...
A chicken walks up to him and says Don't do it, you'll never hear the end of it.
Person 1: The best way to end an argument is to say you're right .
Person 2: What do you mean, that's never going to work.
Person 1: You're right...
Told my nephew the story of the grasshopper and the ant. The ant saved up for winter while the grasshopper didn't. I asked my nephew at the end of the story Me:What is the moral of the story?
Nephew: You should never live in a Fall's sense of security
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day
Give a vegan a fish and you'll never hear the end of it
I went to the cinema to watch Harry Potter
...and I was surprised to see a man and his dog there. The dog barked at the exciting bits, growled at the scary bits and whimpered at the sad bits. At the end I approached the owner and said how I had never seen a dog enjoy a film so much and I was amazed. He replied So am I. He hated the book
A chicken walks up to a duck that's considering crossing the road.
Don't do it, pal, the chicken says, you'll never hear the end of it.
My teacher gave me a bad grade on my essay, she said the ending was too unexpected .
Guess I'll never end it with the Spanish inquisition in that class ever again...
Two nuns are bicycling to church one morning, as they always do.
They decide to take a different route this time and eventually end up on a cobblestone road. One nun says the other, I've never come this way before. The other nun responds, must be the cobbles.
Two Nuns
Two nuns are riding their bicycles through town, when they turn down a cobblestone street.
When they get to the other end of the street and stop, one nun says to the other I've never come this way before.
The other nun replies Yeah, it's nice isn't it?
It recently became apparent to me,
that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard.
This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.
A duck was standing by the road
A chicken walked up and said don't do it. You will never hear the end of it
One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .
The son never sits on the brutish umpire.
We should add a leap second to December 31st 2020
Just to make people watching the live clock think for a split second that the year will never end
A mathematician And an engineer decided to take part in an experiment.
They were both put in a room and at the other end was a n**... woman on a bed. The experimenter said that every 30 seconds they could travel half the distance between themselves and the woman. The mathematician stormed off, calling it pointless. The engineer was still in. The mathematician said Don't you see? You'll never get close enough to actually reach her. The engineer replied, So? I'll be close enough for all practical purposes.
A college student writes a letter to his parents back home.
Dear Mom and Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi$$ you guy$!
Love, Your $on
They reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Mom and Dad
A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars are zooming by, while he waits for a break in traffic. Then a Chicken walks by and says " don't do it.. "
" .. you'll never hear the end of it "
I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed
"I am your Father"
Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.
An elephant escapes from the circus
It wanders around and eventually ends uo in an old lady's garden eating the vegetables. The old lady came out and had never seen an elephant before nor did she know what it was. Panicked she ran inside and called the police
"Hello, what is your emergency" said the operator
"There is some sort of large animal ripping up all the carrots in my garden with its tail!"
"Okay...where is it putting these carrots?"
"If i told you, you wouldnt believe me!"
You shouldn't worry about headaches
I mean, it's all in your head.
My dad always says not to crank the car radio too high or I'll go deaf. Imagine if that happened.
I would never hear the end of it.
Mr. Johnson walk into a doctor's office and says, "My farts never smell."
He lets out a very loud f**... and says, "See? It doesn't smell."
The doctor goes to his closet and takes out a pole with a hook on the end.
Mr. Johnson is understandably terrified. "What are you gonna do with that thing?"
"I'm just going to open the window," says the doctor. "And by the way, I think there's something wrong with your nose."
A blonde orders a pizza delivery over the phone.
"Would you like your pizza cut into eight pieces, or ten?" asks the voice on the other end.
"Eight, please," replies the blonde.
When the pizza comes, the blonde notices that the pizza has been mistakenly cut into ten pieces. "Hey!" she says. "I asked for my pizza to be cut into eight pieces!"
"It's not that big a difference," replies the delivery guy.
"Of course it is!" says the blonde. "I could never eat ten!"
I'll never forget the time I had to do PE in my underwear after forgetting my shorts.
It ended my teaching career there and then.
The 'surge' in Texas
You don't want to end up hospitalized with COVID in Texas relying on a ventilator.
You never know when the power might go out.
My physics teacher in rural Iowa said I'd pass his class when pigs fly, because I wasn't applying myself.
Well, I tried harder but ended up getting expelled, even though he never specified that the pig had to sustain flight on its own.
my favourite Norm joke as told on his first Letterman appearance
So I had this dream today, you ever have this dream, and then you wake up, right in the middle of a great dream, and then you're back in the middle of your stinkin life again?
So then you try to fall asleep - redream it. Man that never works. Always end up with some weird mutation of your original dream there, you know. Like in the first dream, I was in a pool with Christie Brinkley and we were swimming towards each other. And then I woke up. So I fell asleep again, and ended up shooting pool with David Brinkley.
A turkey is about to cross the road...
When suddenly the chicken appears and says, 'Don't do it man! You'll never hear the end of it'