Netflix Is A Jokes

I never ask my kids to call me, I just change the Netflix password and then don't respond to their texts.

I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever

they said, "No, just till the end of June".

Did you hear about Peewee Herman's new movie?

It's going straight to Netflix because he already released in theaters

Are you ready kids? AYE AYE CAPTAIN! I can't hear youuuu! AYE AYE CAPTAIN! Ohhhhhh, who lives with a GPA under a C?

CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS
Who's living with stress induced anxiety? CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS!
If wanting to drop out is something you wish...CO-LLEGE STU-DENTS
Then take a long nap and watch some Netflix!
COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEGE STUDENTS, COLLEEEEGGEEEEE STUUUDEEEEEEEENTSSSSSS!

Netflix reminds me of my girlfriend

Probably because it's constantly asking me if I'm still here.
Or maybe because it's not a real human being.

Every time a test comes up, my friends and I joke about how we should become trophy wives.

But it seems like a lot of work to be a trophy wife; always dressing up, keeping in shape, keeping everything plucked. If I married a rich guy, I would probably wear sweatpants, watch Netflix everyday, and get fat on pizza and cookie dough. So instead of being a trophy wife, I'd be an atrophy wife.

She told me she wanted to Netflix and chill.

But when I got there she had Redbox.

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and b**....

Hey baby, forget Netflix and chill

Let's Imax and c**...

s**... Ed in 2015

Remember kids, 'Netflix and Chill' is only one "D" away from 'Netflix and Child.'

A black lesbian, an obese white neck-beard, and an Indian comic walk into a bar. What do you get?

A Netflix original series!

Netflix the clairvoyant!

Donald Trump is raking in the votes and winning primaries like we haven't seen since 2008 when Obama started his sweep of the nation.
Which proves that Netflix was right all along...
Orange is the new Black.

I'm so alone.....

I can't even find Friends on Netflix.

I saw my sister watching the show "Dexter" yesterday..

I thought it was a pretty weird show, but then again, I have seen stranger things on Netflix.

That one time i hired a h**......

... She offered me the girlfriend experience for no extra charge, of course i accepted ...
... i did not expect however that she would roll up in to a blanket burrito, order Pizza and watch Netflix.

I've been watching the Netflix series about Escobar, but I keep falling asleep...

I think I have Narco-lepsy.

The best part about Netflix is there are no commercials.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get u**... stains out of a couch?

Netflix's new show is Marvel's Luke Cage, whose "Superpower is unbreakable skin.

Bullet proof skin on a black man isn't a super power its straight up evolution!
-Danish Anwar

I gave my dog my Netflix password

Which ended up being problematic. See, I'm raising him to be an atheist. I came home one day to find him sitting on the couch upset. He said "My whole life is a lie, you've lying to me. I just found out where all dogs go."

I'm really confused by the fact people judge me for refusing to pay for Netflix...

I mean, I've seen Stranger Things.

The wife and I did the opposite of "netflix and chill" last night...

CNN and panic!

Just found out there is a whole series on Netflix about this year's election results.

Orange is the new black.

TIL That in 2014 Netflix announced they wouldn't be pursuing science-fiction themed original content.

But Stranger Things have happened.

What did Dr Dre say to his wife during Netflix and chill?

Hope you're ready for the next episode

This evening I watched a Series of Unfortunate Events

Then I turned off the news and watched Netflix.

My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV

Man... I love Netflix!

Which Netflix show best sums up America today?

Orange Is the New Black.

Netflix is replacing its star ratings with thumbs up and thumbs down.

Whether you like it, or not.

How does Bill Cosby get girls?

Netflix and pills.

I'm gonna pitch a show to Netflix, called"Speak No Evil"

Its about mimes that commit m**...

Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?

I think it's called Two Baroque Girls

I was browsing Netflix the other day, and Happened upon the Amy Schumer special "Inside Amy Schumer." Looks like they couldn't use the original title idea due to copyright issues:

'Wide Open Spaces'

Life is pretty much like Netflix

If you eliminate your standards completely, there's more to enjoy

What if Netflix doubled as a dating service

Like here are 7 other singles close by that also watched That 70's Show for 8 hours straight.

My local church held a Netflix and Chastity event

31 people registered as going, but nobody came

I finally watched that Netflix sci-fi show that everyone is watching...

I keep hearing from everyone that it's a very wierd show, but to be honest, I've seen stranger things.

Netflix's original content has some stiff competition.

I heard they're shooting something at YouTube HQ today.

The Japanese version of Netflix and Chill

is h**... with Senpai

Why is Westeros like a Netflix original?

There's only two seasons and there are years between them.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The s**... is the same, but you pick the Netflix.

In Russia they dont have Netflix,

they have Nietflix.

This is what you do when you're lost

Grab you phone, open Netflix watch any movie with at least a two second s**... scene and you dad will walk by any second

My millennial son called me for the first time in a year and a half

I changed the Netflix password

I was just about to watch Armageddon on Netflix, when my subscription expired.

"Ah well," I thought. "It's not the end of the world."

What is Donald Trumps favorite show on Netflix and Former President Obama's least favorite?

Orange is the new black.

Netflix is making a sequel to Bird Box.

It's called Chicken McNuggets.

For centuries, scientists said Drake and Josh couldn't come to Hulu or Netflix

But they found a way, they found a way

The interactive Netflix film Bandersnatch was so successful, they're creating another interactive film all about Donald Trump.

It's called Grabbed-her-s**....

I was watching the ted bundy tapes on Netflix

When he was first arrested, the police departments from the different states got together in a hotel to have a conference and share knowledge with each other.
It was the world's first Ted Talk.

Netflix has asked viewers to please stop referring to Ted Bundy as "Hot"

As he was electrocuted in 1989, they are fairly certain he has cooled off by now.

I like my women how I like my Netflix subscription.

Overused, shared by my family, secretly used by my friends and neighbors and ignored all night long.

Netflix tried to get the Jeffrey d**... tapes...

...but it was going to cost them an arm *and* a leg.

This Valentine's Day, 1 in 3 people will be crying into a bag of popcorn while watching Netflix alone.

Not me, though. I can't afford a subscription.

Why did all the MARVEL Netflix shows disappear?

SNAP!

What's the difference between a frog giving a speech and the worst thing Netflix has ever done?

One is Ribbit Ribbit the other is Reboot Reboot.

Haters, Amy Schumer just got another Netflix special announced, who's laughing now

^(still nobody)

Netflix: Are you still watching Madeleine McCann?

Kate and Gerry: No we are out for dinner

That new Madeleine McCann documentary on Netflix was great and all...

It just felt like there was something still missing...

Coming in 2019: a new interactive Netflix experience that shows what happens to society when all crimes are legal, and the entire thing is available live streaming. The series you can't miss, it's...

Binging and Purging

I watched a gripping rock-climbing documentary on netflix the other day

It was great but it ended on a cliffhanger

Bert Tom Chris Joke

(Bert Kreischer) In L.A. people get offended for other people - (Tom Segura) So, I like to say offensive things because it makes me feel warm inside to invoke that reaction - (Chris D’elia) Matter of fact, I have to do crazy things to feel like a normal human...?

My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.

one of the best documentarys

ive ever watched on netflix is about a chinese couple who didnt board the Malaysian flight 370 (one that disappeared) when they should have done. All sorts of conspiracy theories. worth a watch, highly recommended.
It's called 2 wongs dont make a flight

What do the Irish have instead of Netflix & Chill?

Meet & Potatoes

Limmerick from The Crown on Netflix

There once was a girl named Sally
Who enjoyed the occasional dally
She sat on the lap
Of a well-endowed chap
And cried "Sir! You're right up my alley."