Ness Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What do you call the Loch Ness monster on drugs

You're high ness

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, Oh, my God! Please help me!

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, I thought you didn't believe in Me!

Come on God, give me a break!! the man pleaded. Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the LochNess monster either!

(Credit. The Joke Cafe)

An atheist is fishing in a boat on Loch Ness

When all of a sudden, the Loch Ness Monster comes up and begins thrashing his boat around. The monster tosses him into the air. On his way down he shouts "God, help me!"

Everything stops. He is mere feet from the monster's mouth. Then a loud, booming voice comes from the heavens and asks:

"You have not followed me for your entire life and have discouraged those who did. Why should I help you now?"

The atheist thinks for a moment before saying:

"Look, five minutes ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."

What is Ice T's sister's name?

Ness Tea

What does the Loch Ness Monster eat?

Fish & ships

[META] What are some jokes like "bend over and spell RUN"

Or spell ICUP, look at your chest and spell attic, or spell IHOP then say "ness"

Loch Ness

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the athiest up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing the atheist up in the air. Just before he was about to fall into Nessie's jaws he cries out :


"Oh god help me!"


Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheistand God asked:

"My son, all your life you have forsaken me, why now do you call upon me?"

The atheist responded with: "Give me a break, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster five minutes ago either!"

Elliot Ness, Cookie Monster, and John Locke start a law firm.

Locke Ness Monster.

Have you heard the Scottish National Party's proposal to reduce Loch Ness monster sightings?

Nick all the sturgeon

What's the best day to marry the Loch Ness Monster?

Wednessday

What kind of car does the loch Ness monster drive?

A Nissan tree fiddy!

You are

Spell imap then say ness

What do you get when you cross a muppet with the Loch Ness monster?

Messie


Thank you and goodnight.

Checkmate, atheists.

An atheist was
rowing along in Loch Ness and WHOOSH! The Loch Ness monster rears up in front of him, hissing and ready to eat. The terrified man said, "Oh God, help me!"

An angry voice booms from the heavens, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

The atheist says, "Oh, come on! Ten seconds ago, I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

What are the funniest ness jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Ness? Well, here are the best Ness puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Ness pick up lines to share with friends.

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