Nervous Jokes
136 nervous jokes and hilarious nervous puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nervous that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Explore the science and effects of nervousness through the humorous lens of nerves jokes. Learn about nervous system anatomy, nervous tissue, nervous breakdowns, and feelings of anticipation, antsy, and queasy. Enjoy the comedic relief of jokes about the anatomy and effects of being nervous.
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Funniest Nervous Short Jokes
Short nervous jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nervous humour may include short anxious jokes also.
- During a job interview yestarday I poured some water into a cup and it overflowed slightly "Nervous?" asked the interviewer, I simply replied "No I always give 110%"
- Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
surgeon: "I know, I am" - This barista at starbucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee. I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".
I didn't bother leaving a tip. - An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes? A nervous wreck!
I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile. - I was nervous about meeting new people on a cruise... ... until I realised, we are all in the same boat.
- Hey, are you the bottom of my laptop? Because you're really hot and it's making me nervous.
- "relax Peter, it's just a small cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous" *... said the doctor.*
"Doctor, my name isn't Peter..."
"I know, I'm Peter." - What did the nervous spider say to the audience? "Forgive me guys, but I've got butterflies in my stomach."
- The cannibal nervously decided to try his first human meal Much to his dismay, he got cold feet
- My Son's #1 Concern When my three-year-old was told to pee in a cup at the doctor's office, he unexpectedly got nervous. With a shaking voice, he asked, Do I have to drink it?
Share These Nervous Jokes With Friends
Nervous One Liners
Which nervous one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nervous? I can suggest the ones about irritable and stressful.
- What shakes and sits at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck.
- What do you call a nervous Jedi? Panakin
- What do nervous carpenters do? Bite their nails
- What do you call a nervous javelin thrower? Shakespeare
- I was nervous leaving my ex in the backyard with my wife. I'll put a patio on them later.
- Why Don't vampires like gambling? They get nervous when the stakes are raised.
- What do you call a group of anxious dinosaurs? Nervous Rex
- What do you call a network of shy people? A nervous system.
- Q. Why was the fly so nervous at the fruit market? A. Because he was on a date.
- Nervous systems are too reckless They always do everything on impulse
- me: im so hungry horse: *nervously* how hungry
- I'm a nervous gardener... and sometimes I wet my plants.
- Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest weakness? Achilles: *sweats nervously*
- How did the nervous man feel after putting on his wool socks? Sheepish
- Why does the brain experience so much anxiety? Because it's part of the nervous system
Nervous System Jokes
Here is a list of funny nervous system jokes and even better nervous system puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why are smart people socially anxious? Because they have a strong nervous system.
- Why do you have anxiety all the time I'm basically a walking NERVOUS system
- I wish my nervous system... ...could be my confidence system for once.
- What nervous system does the Ouroboros utilize while consuming itself? The autonomic.
- I'm not really sure I trust my nervous system. Something about it makes me...... uneasy...
- Why was the spinal cord really jumpy? It was part of a nervous system.
- I have no nervous system I am a nervous system
- My Autonomic Nervous System is out of control! ANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANSANS
- My nervous system is so narcissistic. It only thinks about itself.
Nervous Breakdown Jokes
Here is a list of funny nervous breakdown jokes and even better nervous breakdown puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I bought a new phone, the first thing I did was push redial... The phone started having a nervous breakdown.
(The legendary Steven Wright) - Did you hear about the tire... Mildred: Hey, Gorge, did you hear about the tire that had a nervous breakdown?
George: Nope. Tell me about it.
Mildred: It just couldn't take any more pressure! - What's the definition of a nervous breakdown?
A chameleon on a tartan rug.
Happy Nervous Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about nervous you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean emotional jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nervous pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A very nervous woman on her first Aeroplane flight, asked the stewardess, how often do planes c**...?
Stewardess replies.
Only once..
I'm from wales, where the men are men
And the sheep are nervous
Getting a haircut is a lot like the first time with a new lover...
There isn't really any conversation besides some nervous laughter and her asking me "How long has it been?" and "Do you like that?" and I'm never sure how much tip is appropriate.
Then I pay her, say thanks, and leave.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Foot And A Half
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a v**.... So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.
Don't worry, Maria, says the mother, all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!
Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.
So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!
Stay here and stir the pasta, says the mother.
This is a job for Mama.
Getting Married!
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form.....
The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease...
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?".....
There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'Yes.'"
Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work for women.
Every time they miss a period, they get really nervous.
Why are divers always so nervous?
Because they're always under pressure!
When the horrible self-cannibal was cornered by police...
he got so nervous that he threw up his hands.
Three Engineers are having an argument...
The first says: "God must be a mechanical engineer -- just look at the joints in the human body."
The second says: "God is an electrical engineer -- just look at the nervous system."
The third says: "God has to be a civil engineer -- who else would run a waste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?"
i'm really nervous about getting my girlfriend's pregnancy results back...
and i'm not even the one who'll have to raise the baby alone!
A few minutes ago while I was lifeguarding, an old lady told me that I looked like a lion pacing back and forth.
Now I'm nervous for my dentist appointment on Thursday.
Gf just passed her driving test
My girlfriend had just passed her driving test so she drove me to town.
It was packed but we managed to find a space but she was nervous about doing a parallel park.
"I'm confident in you babe just do what you did in the test" I said
She slowly started unziping my flies.
What makes cheerleaders nervous?
Being late
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always get nervous before injections so I shut my eyes.
I usually end up stabbing the chair.
A young couple are in bed for the very first time
The guy asks " Are you nervous?"---
"Yes " she says.---
"Is this your first time?"---
"No, i've been nervous before"
A nervous mountaineer looks at the steep mountain...
Which his guide had proposed to climb.
- Do people tumble down often here?
- No, the guide said, one time is usually enough.
A man is sitting in his dentist's waiting room and is visibly nervous.
A kindly nurse comes up to him and says, "Sir don't be nervous, the first time is always the hardest." The gentleman looks up at her and exclaims, 'Don't 'First Time,' me tutz - I've been to the Dentist a million times and I know the drill!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I told my boss that when I get nervous, I like to imagine my audience n**......
... she said I should probably stop teaching the 2nd grade.
An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon. Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son:
"Don't be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."
I was nervous lying next to her for the first time, but a voice inside my head said "Relax you, are not the first doctor to sleep with their patient..."
but another voice kept saying "Jim....you're a veternarian"
Why don't nervous vegans visit Germany?
They fear the wurst!
Operation successful
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....
he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.
'Yes, Dad, what is it?'
'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........
........your mother in law will come and live with you.'
The surgery was a great success....
A woman visits the gynaecologist for the first time...
Her legs are up in the stirrups and she looks very uncomfortable. The doctor says, "You look nervous. Would you like me to numb you down there before the exam?"
She looks relieved and says "Yes, please."
So, the doctor puts his head between her legs and goes num, num, num.
A tourist group
A tourist group is lead over a mountain path.
One of the tourists gets extremely nervous and says to their native guide:
"You really could have put a handrail on the side"
The guide answers:
"There was a handrail, but it became too expensive, the tourists always took it down with them when they fell"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Nervous about watching new game of thrones with my parents, due to all the s**....
Hopefully if I turn the volume up loud I won't hear them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Man gets nervous right before having s**...
Her: Are you nervous?
Him: Y-y-yes...
Her: Is this your first time?
Him: No, I've been nervous before.
Whenever I shake someone's hand....
I always ask if they're nervous. They usually say no, and then I reply with "Then why are you shaking?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
They say if you're nervous about something, just imagine everyone n**....
That did NOT help when I was asking out this girl.
Don't Get Nervous
Patient 1: Why did you run away from the operation table?
Patient 2: The nurse was repeatedly saying 'don't get nervous', 'don't be afraid', 'be strong', 'this is a small operation only', things like that.
Patient 1: So what was wrong in that? Why were you so afraid?
Patient 2: She was talking to the surgeon!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just flew into town, and boy are my arms tired
...I'm a real nervous flyer, so I spent the whole flight just jerking it in the bathroom.
A secret service agent, nervous on his first day, sees Donald, Melania, and Barron Trump walking through the Whitehouse.
The new agent asks his supervisor, "Wow, is that really the First family?"
The supervisor, unfazed, replies, No, I think this is at least the third for Mr. Trump."
I know federal prosecutors have a 99% conviction rate. But I'm a little nervous.
Because Trump picked his cabinet from the 1%.
At the Doctor's Office
Was at the doctor's office to get a check up this morning:
*doctor pulls out needle for shot*
Me: Oh boy, needles make me a little nervous. I'm not gonna look.
Doctor: That's okay. I won't either.
Then he gave me the shot before I had the chance to chuckle!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I get nervous on stage people say "imagine the audience n**..."
But that just makes it harder for me.
A forbidden love
"I'm in love with one of my sheep," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my sheep."
"Hmmmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, GAY?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why'd the nervous couple leave the o**... early?
They were afraid that someone would come between them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.
I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.
Trump wakes up, goes to the garden and starts picking up random rocks...
He picks a rock, carefuly examines it from from all sides, carefully puts it back and then goes to find another one. After this has been going on for a couple of days, his cabinet starts to get nervous, so Pence calls Putin to see if he can help them.
"Hey Vlad! It's Mike. Listen, we have a little problem..."
He describes the situation and Putin promises to look into it. After a few minutes Putin calls back.
"He should be fine now. It was our fault, sorry. We accidetnally sent him instructions meant for our lunar lander."
What did the cardiac surgeon say to his nervous patient?
Don't worry, you'll have a change of heart.
I was waiting in a long line to order food when I saw this beautiful girl.
I was very nervous till she laughed at the pick up line.
*nervously plays with tie* "I'm sorry. I'm no good during job interviews."
"That's ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk."
An indian lady visited a bar for the first time
She was nervous but sat on one tall stool in front of the bartender.
The guy sitting on her left said: "Jack Daniels, Single"
The guy on her right side ordered: "Johnny Walker, Single"
Then the bartender looked at the lady & said: And you..?
The lady replied: "Parmjeet kaur, Married.
Two Parents Get Arrested
A couple is arrested after they get caught burning their son's name on farms. Picture a big bonfire, but it spells their son's name.
It's a tense ride into the station. The parents are obviously nervous, so the officer makes some small talk.
After a while, though, the curiosity gets the best of him so he asks them why.
Cop: Of all things to spell out, why your son's name?
Dad: We figured it was the best way to show how much we love arson.
Why was the rock climber nervous?
He was at a cliffhanger!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was at the supermarket, looked three freezers down and saw the most beautiful b**... blonde picking out Asian dinners. I took a quick glance at her hand and saw no wedding ring! Well, as you can imagine, I promptly did what any virile, red-blooded man would do with this opportunity...
I got really nervous, said absolutely nothing, and strictly avoided eye-contact at all costs...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My first time trying it, I told my girlfriend I was nervous because I didn't know anything about b**....
"Don't worry," she told me. "I'll show you the ropes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Men with neck tattoos used to make me nervous.
Now they make me lattes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joe saw a s**... young exotic girl walking out from a bank, a remote control dropped from her mini skirt.
He picked it up and planed to give it back.
But the girl looked at him, her face turned red and seemed nervous and coy.
Joe understood it all of a sudden...
He smiled obscenely and pressed the button on the remote.
Then the bank exploded.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: *l**... lips in anticipation* I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before.
Instructor: don't lick my lips again.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is Satan's barber always nervous?
Because last time he messed up there was h**... toupee.
My uncle's favorite joke.
A man with a wooden eye was always nervous asking girls to dance. He was always scared they would find his wooden eye too scary and say no. But he saw a pretty girl with a harelip across the dance floor and mustered up the courage to ask her to dance. Once he asked, she was ecstatic and couldn't believe someone asked her. She said, "Would I?! Would I?!". The man gets angry and says, "Harelip! Harelip!"
They say when you're nervous, you get butterflies in your stomach.
This really bugged me, so I had a surgeon perform an insect-ion to see if this was true. The results were extremely alarving. What they found in my stomach will moth likely make you feel sqwormish.
[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.
On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."
So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"
"Lower!" she says.
\[In a bass voice:\] "I love you, I love you!"
My Native American girlfriend was nervous the first time she invited me back to her place
She had her reservations
Dad takes his son for a driving lesson
Son: Dad, I'm so nervous, I can't stop shaking, what are we going to do?
Dad: Parkinson.
A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...
Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn't think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, I think we should get married!
Wait, his girlfriend said, taken aback, are you serious?
I think I am, he said.
You're proposing to me here on the couch? she asked.
Yes, I guess I am, he said.
That's not much of a proposal, the girlfriend said. I think you can do better.
I thought so, too, the young man said. But your sister already said no.
My wife claims that she can wax off my chest hair without causing any pain, but I'm a little nervous.
I don't think she will be able to pull it off.
A man in a taxi is shocked with the cabbie runs right through a red light...
He shouts "Hey, are you crazy? You just ran that light!"
The cabbie says, "Don't worry. My brother is a cabbie too and he does it all the time."
A few seconds later he runs another red light. The passenger is still nervous but decides that the cabbie knows what he is doing.
Then as they approached a green light, the cabbie slams on breaks and comes to a screeching halt.
"Are you crazy?", the man shouts, "That's a green light! Why did you stop?"
"My brother might be coming the other way."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mom looked at me and...
My mom looked at me and said, take off my shirt, so I took off her shirt... She then said take off my bra, so I took off her bra... Nervous about what she would say next, she said take off my p**...... She looked at me in my eyes and then said, now that's the last time I want to see you wearing my clothes
I always feel nervous when talking to Koreans.
Everytime I say hello, they always tell me that onions are on sale.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a m**....
"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"
Doctor: Don't be nervous Jeff, it's gonna be a quick surgery.
Patient: But my name isn't Jeff..
Doctor: I know, it's mine.
A man rushed to his friend after reading the newspaper
The man said to his friend, with his face drained of color, and said;
This news might be difficult for you to hear said the man
His friend thought to himself, nervous about what it could be.
What is it? The friend said
The man murmured to himself, barely above the whisper.
His friend said,
Well what is it?
The man said
I knew it
Why does Warsaw get nervous during its neighbor's election season?
Because of Germans rushing to the polls!
