Nein Jokes
118 nein jokes and hilarious nein puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nein that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Read this article to become a connoisseur of German Nein jokes. Learn why Germans say Nein so often and get a chuckle out of German puns like "vill i have an oven?" and "Ich bin noch nicht geboren." Find out what these popular jokes say about German culture and share them with your friends.
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Funniest Nein Short Jokes
Short nein jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nein humour may include short ovens jokes also.
- An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security. Airport security:"Nationality?"
austrian: "Austria"
Airport security: "Occupation?"
Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation" - A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks "Dry?" The German replies "Nein, just one."
- German tourist visits France. Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation". - A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartender asks "dry?" The German says "Nein, just one"
- A German is at the border to go to Poland. The officer asks him:
Name?
Hans Gruber.
Address?
123 SpiegelStrasse, Berlin
Occupation?
Nein, just visiting. - A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting. - How did the german spy get caught? He went into a pub in London and ordered two whiskeys.
The bartender asked him: "Dry?"
To which he replied: "Nein, zwei" - A german tourist arrived at Charles de Gaulle The immigration officer greets him, " Bonjour Monsieur, Welcome to paris, Name?"
"Wolfgang Schmidt."
"Occupation?"
"Nein, Tourism." - My Grandfather once told me about how he fought bravely in World War II, so I asked him how many years he served for the U.S. He replied "Nein."
- A German tourist visiting the US went into a bar and asked for a martini Dry? asked the bartender. The German replied, Nein, just one.
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Nein One Liners
Which nein one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nein? I can suggest the ones about german nein and wurst.
- What did the German bandit say when he was finally apprehended by Peralta? Nein nein!
- What do you get when you crossbreed a chihuahua with a German Shepherd? A que-nein.
- 2 Germans in a bar in London \- 2 Martinis, please.
\- Dry?
\- NEIN! ZWEI! - Why are there no cats in Germany? Because they have nein lives.
- How many non-compliant Germans does it take to change a light bulb? Nein!
- Two Germans walk into a bar and they both order a sherry.
"Dry?"
"Nein, zwei." - Why are all German cats dead? They have nein lives.
- Out of ten My German girlfriend gave my proposal a nein.
- How many Hitlers does it take to change a light bulb? Nein
- Why do Germans believe in procrastinating? Because a stitch in time saves nein.
- Can neon form a chemical bond with Indium? NeIn.
- What do you call a German scientist who runs out of beer glasses? Nein Stein
- What is the favourite gun caliber of a german? Nein millimeter.
- What do you call an indecisive German Shepard K Nein
- What's Hitlers favorite Pokemon? NEIN-Tails.
German Nein Jokes
Here is a list of funny german nein jokes and even better german nein puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A German is in a bar in the US He wants to order something to drink for his wife and him.
"I'll have two martinis, please."
"Dry?" asks the bartender.
"NEIN, I SAID TWO!" - All children go through a phase of saying "no" to everything. For german children it's the age of "nein".
- My father told me a joke. How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb? He said Nein My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.
- I once saw this guy walking down the road with a 15ft piece of fibre glass. I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter?" He answered "Nein, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walther?"
- Why do German cats have significantly lower life expectancy? Because they have nein lives.
- A German student asked his math teacher "do you have a favorite number?" The teacher replied "nein!"
- I asked a German mathematician if he would tell me what the square root of 81 is. He said "*nein!*" and walked off. Guess that one was too hard for him.
- Knock knock. 9. Nein your business. German knock knock jokes are non interactive for efficiency.... and they're not very funny.
- What time signature is most German music written in? Nein four.
- Two Germans are talking about 9/11.... One said : How much terroristen died zat dey? Twelve? The other replied : "Nein, Eleven."

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Nein Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about nein you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nein pranks.
IX'd her out...
She said, "Nein."
What percentage of germans are not n**...?
ninety-nine point nein nein nein nein nein nein nein percent
German spies
During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"
I asked h**...: Can you tell me what is 4 plus 5?
He answered: "NEIN"
Best read out loud
I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"
He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"
What was the code to h**...'s secret bunker?
NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!
on a scale from 1 to 10, how German are you?
Nein.
Outside of the athletes village at the Olympics I saw a guy walking with a pole vault..
I asked him " are you a pole vaulter ?"
To which he replied "nein, I am German. How did you know my name vas Vaulter?"
Found a copy of "Dr. No" in German, and it only set me back nein euro.
How many n**...'s does it take to screw in a lightbulb??
Nein
Popular German "joke" in Belgium
Ask a german guy:
Q: Haben sie etwas verloren? (Did you lose something?)
A: "confused" Nein. (No)
Q: Jawohl, den krieg, zweimal! (Yes you did, the war. Twice!)
Proceed to buy him a drink :)
h**... favorite price?
nein neinty nein!
What Einstein say when someone tried to take his beer?
Nein! Mein Stein!....sorry
How many n**... does it take to deny the holocaust?
Nein nein nein!!!
I just finished reading Mein Kampf...
Pretty good for light reading, I rate it nein out of ten.
A German asks for a martini...
"Dry?" asks the barman.
He replies, "Nein, just one."
What was h**...'s favorite battery?
The nein volt
i asked a German man if he had a wife
He said he had nein.
A math teacher was lecturing his class
Suddenly, the professor popped a question,'What is ((353.44634×153×15)+799²-285)×69-0.2 equal to?'
The students were really confused, one who was extremely frustrated stands up and yells and slams on his table,'NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN NEIN!' The teacher was impressed and said,' Correct, now you can sit down, Adolf.'
Angela Merkel visits Greece
Angela Merkel goes on holiday to Greece.
She reaches customs.
Officer: Name?
Merkel: Angela Merkel
Officer: Nationality?
Merkel: Deutsche
Officer: Occupation?
Merkel: Nein, not zis time, just for ze holidays
Why did h**... break up with his girlfriend?
She was a nein out of ten
On h**...'s birthday my company is discounting everything...
Everything will be nein percent off.
My mother actually came up with this..not sure if I should be concerned.
After the title "The Fate of the Furious", I just need next 2 movies to be titled
Fast *nein* : The Fast and the *Furher*ious
Fast10 : your seatbelt
What's the similarity between a dead h**... and a cat?
They both have nein lives.
What do you get when you cross h**... with o**... bin laden?
Nein 11
Son: Dad I have to write an Essay about h**... and his Dog Unit in WWII. Do you know what it was called?
Dad: K, Nein
A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.
Pole: Name?
German: Hans Guttermark
Pole: Age?
German: Neunundzwanzig.
Pole: Occupation?
German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!
Walter.
I was in the park the other day and saw a guy practising his athletic trials, with a long metal stick for the Olympics. I asked if he was a pole vaulter, and he replied "Nein, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"
Zwei Gin Bitte!
During World War 2, two German spies recieved an intensive training in English so they could do their job in London without causing suspicion.
To test their knowledge they enter a pub.
Spies: "Two gins, please!"
Bartender: "Dry?"
Spies (confused): "Nein, zwei!!
Two germans visit France in the early 50s
Two germans are visiting Paris in the early 50s. They want to order drinks, but they don't want to be thought of as germans, since it's post-WW2. So they practice their english accent for their order. Once it's ready, they go at the bar.
"Hello barman, may we have two martinis ?" asked one of the german.
"Dry ?" asked the barman.
"NEIN, ZWEI !"
Is going to art school worth it?
Nein.
What's a german's favorite golf club?
The nein iron!
h**... tried to count...
But he couldn't get past nein.
What kind of shoes did h**...'s wife wear?
Size nein heil heels.
If I had to decide how much I love you on a scale from 1 to 10...
...I'd say a German nein.
-Courtesy of my boyfriend-
When do Germans commit r**...?
After nein
I asked a German girl for her phone number yesterday...
... She said it's Nein Nein Nein
What was Hilter's favorite time?
Nein O'clock
So my German neighbour got a Samoyed...
...and she asked me for suggestions about what she should name him. I suggested her the name "Cloud".
Now everytime that dog does something ridiculous I hear a high pitched yell : "Cloud Nein!!"
What kind of job did h**... have when he was young.
A nein to five.
What's the phone number for the German r**... Support Hotline?
Nein! Nein! Nein!
They said to pick a number between 1 and 8 in German
I said nein.
h**..., one out of ten how much does your art s**...?
NEIN!!!
Two students and a teacher want to have s**... with foreign exchange students.
One student goes for the French student, and the whole time she screams, "Oui! Oui! Oui!"
The other student gets with a Spanish student, and she screams, "Sí! Sí! Sí!"
The teacher locks a German student in his office, the whole time she screams, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" He replies, "Really? I could have sworn you were only eight years old."
A German optimist wanted to write a book to cheer his friends up
It was entitled "Nein Kampf"
Confusion reigns at the Olympics
A young journalist walked up to a track and field athlete who was warming up for his event to get an interview.
Not entirely sure of the athlete's discipline he asks, "Are you a polevaulter?"
The athlete replied, "Nein, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"
On the Racist Scale from 1 to 10
h**... was ranked as a nein
What do you call a German queen who refuses to listen to Mozart?
Queen of the Nein.
I love multilingual jokes.
Could I ever get e-neuf?
Nein.
Sadly, I think I novem all at this point.
What do you call a German kid?
A nein year old!
I swear boys get a 100 times cuter when they talk about something they are passionate about
Unless it's h**.... It's only Nein times cuter
When your a german man and someond asks if you have cheated on your wife and if so how many women with.
Nein.
"Herr General, the Italians have entered the war"
said the Wehrmacht commander's subordinate.
"Really?" his boss sighed. "Send half a division to stop them."
"Nein, herr General." replied his subordinate; "they are entering on our side."
Upon hearing it, the General collapses onto the table, crying; "Send two armies to help them!"
How many n**... does it take to change a lightbulb?
NEIN!
A drunk American was p**... on a street in Germany
When a German girl walks by and screams Ah Nein! The American guy says, I'm flattered but I think it's closer to 8.
What is h**... favourite s**... position
6 Nein
A German 6 walks into a bar
The barkeep yells "hey, get out, we don't serve 6's here". The 6 leaves, does a headstand, and walks back into the bar on its hands. The barkeep yells over "aren't you the 6 that was just in here". The 6 replies "nein".

