nein Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious nein puns

What do you get when you cross Hitler with Osama bin laden?

Nein 11


Best read out loud

I was walking past my local athletics track when I saw a man carrying a very long, thin bag. I asked him "are you a pole vaulter?"

He said "Nein, I am German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"


What's the similarity between a dead Hitler and a cat?

They both have nein lives.


Two students and a teacher want to have sex with foreign exchange students.

One student goes for the French student, and the whole time she screams, "Oui! Oui! Oui!"

The other student gets with a Spanish student, and she screams, "Sí! Sí! Sí!"

The teacher locks a German student in his office, the whole time she screams, "Nein! Nein! Nein!" He replies, "Really? I could have sworn you were only eight years old."


I once dated this german girl...

... who would rate our sex from 1-10.

One night we were experimenting with anal.

She starts screaming "NEIN NEIN NEIN"

I thought I was doing a pretty good job.


A German walks into a bar and orders a martini, the bartender asks "dry?"

The German says "Nein, just one"


A German is at the border to go to Poland.

The officer asks him:


Hans Gruber.


123 SpiegelStrasse, Berlin


Nein, just visiting.


A German arrives at Charles De Gaulle airport in Paris

Customs officer: Occupation?

German: Nein, just visiting.


"Herr Hitler, isn't it true that you've fucked eight horses?" ...

... Nein.



I was in the park the other day and saw a guy practising his athletic trials, with a long metal stick for the Olympics. I asked if he was a pole vaulter, and he replied "Nein, I'm German. How did you know my name was Walter?"


A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!


German spies

During the war, two German spies were sent to London to gather valuable intel. To immerse themselves in the local culture they walk into a local pub and walk up to the bar. The first German says to the barman in an impeccable English accent
"May I have two Martinis please?"
"Dry?" asked the barman.
The German replied, holding up two fingers.
"Nein! Zwei!"


Two germans visit France in the early 50s

Two germans are visiting Paris in the early 50s. They want to order drinks, but they don't want to be thought of as germans, since it's post-WW2. So they practice their english accent for their order. Once it's ready, they go at the bar.

"Hello barman, may we have two martinis ?" asked one of the german.

"Dry ?" asked the barman.



A german tourist arrived at Charles de Gaulle

The immigration officer greets him, " Bonjour Monsieur, Welcome to paris, Name?"
"Wolfgang Schmidt."
"Nein, Tourism."


Why are there no cats in Germany?

Because they have nein lives.


My Grandfather once told me about how he fought bravely in World War II, so I asked him how many years he served for the U.S.

He replied "Nein."


What percentage of germans are not nazis?

ninety-nine point nein nein nein nein nein nein nein percent


A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, Dry?

The German replies, Nein, just one.


How many non-compliant Germans does it take to change a light bulb?



The 10 Commandments

So an Archangel comes from heaven to give humanity these nifty new commandments from God.

First he goes to the French and says:

"I have new Commandments from God, would you like to hear them?"

"Ah, oui? What do zey say?"

"For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery"

"Oh, non, non, merci, non", and they send the Angel on his way.

The Angel then goes to the Germans:

"I have new Commandments from God."

"Ja? Vat do they say?"

"Well for example: Thou shalt not kill"

The Germans shake their heads, "I think's not, nein, danke!"

The Angel, perturbed, goes to the Jews and says:

"I have new Commandments from God..."

"How much?"

"Well...they're free"

"We'll take ten."


After the title "The Fate of the Furious", I just need next 2 movies to be titled

Fast *nein* : The Fast and the *Furher*ious

Fast10 : your seatbelt


I was having sex with my German girlfriend last night...

She likes to rate my performance out of 10 in bed.

I slipped it into her bum and she started screaming, "Nein, nein, nein!"

Thought to myself, "Wow, she must really like this".


Two Germans walk into a bar

and they both order a sherry.
"Nein, zwei."


I just finished reading Mein Kampf...

Pretty good for light reading, I rate it nein out of ten.


My father told me a joke. How many Germans does it take screw in a lightbulb? He said Nein

My dads jokes are the wurst I tell you.


Why are all German cats dead?

They have nein lives.


Out of ten

My German girlfriend gave my proposal a nein.


I once saw this guy walking down the road with a 15ft piece of fibre glass. I asked him "Are you a Pole Vaulter?"

He answered "Nein, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walther?"


What was the code to hitler's secret bunker?



How many Hitlers does it take to change a light bulb?



So my German neighbour got a Samoyed...

...and she asked me for suggestions about what she should name him. I suggested her the name "Cloud".

Now everytime that dog does something ridiculous I hear a high pitched yell : "Cloud Nein!!"


Why do German cats have significantly lower life expectancy?

Because they have nein lives.


I asked Hitler: Can you tell me what is 4 plus 5?

He answered: "NEIN"


British pilot shot down over Germany...

...unfortunately he was badly injured when he was captured. They had to amputate his left leg so he asked if the Luftwaffe would drop it over his base in England, they obliged. A week later his right leg was amputated and again it was dropped over his base. Soon after his arm had to be amputated and when he asked for that to be dropped over his base the Germans said nein, zis ve cannot do anymore!

Why asked the pilot?

Because ve zink you're trying to escape.

(Sorry about the German accent, best I could do)


A German student asked his math teacher "do you have a favorite number?"

The teacher replied "nein!"


What are the most funny Nein jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Nein? Well, here are the best Nein dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Nein pick up lines to share with friends.

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