Following is our collection of funniest Neighbour jokes. There are some neighbour boundary jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these neighbour vicinity puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.
An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a stroke. While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper.
"Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."
"OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?"
"Have it say, "Ruth died.""
"Well, um, that's, um, somewhat blunt, but the minimum charge is for five words. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"
"OK. Let me think, um... "Ruth died. Toyota for sale.""
3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.
The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting jerked off all night by a supermodel!"
The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"
The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky bastards. I just dreamed I was skiing."
I said to her, "I thought your cat died last week, Becky?"
"It did," she replied, "That's why I'm missing him."
and asks her "Why are you naked, woman ?" "Because i have nothing to wear." "You have nothing to wear? You have a closet full of clothes !" He then goes and opens the closet doors and starts going through her stuff. "Look, you have one dress, two dresses, three dresses, Hello neighbour, four dresses !"
I sure do miss him.
to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
Neighbour
I didn't take a fence.
Farmer John is driving along the road one day when he spots his neighbour, Bill, standing on top of his tractor in the middle of his field. Overcome with curiosity, he ambles over and asks Bill what he is up to?
Bill replies, "Trying to win a Nobel prize".
"How do you figure?"
"Well, I hear they give them to people who are outstanding in their fields!"
"Right class," said the teacher. "Who can make a sentence with the word 'contagious'?"
Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.
"Yes, Johnny?"
"My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said, 'Blimey, that'll take the contageous!'"
You can explore neighbour pal reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean neighbour neighborhood dad jokes. There are also neighbour puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
He lives very close to me.
A stone's throw away in fact
-StewartFrancis
A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me ยฃ500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer. 'Nope,' replied the man. 'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the ยฃ1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer. 'But it's only ยฃ500,' replied the man. 'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'
My neighbour added a password
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Whether they want to or not
Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.
"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook Password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."
"look at your neighbour everyday he kisses his wife before going to work, why don't you do the same ?", he says " I would, but would she accept ?"
we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.
I never knew he was a barber.
A man received message from his neighbour.
Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another massage.
Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.
Student: "Our neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad said it will take the contagious."
Confused he asks his parents what they're doing. Without missing a beat his dad tells him he's making him a little sister and he has to go play in the back yard.
The boy wanders outside and see's the neighbours dogs having sex. He asks the neighbour what they're doing and the neighbour explains they're making puppies.
The little boy runs back in and bursts into his parents room yelling DAD! Flip her over I'd rather have a puppy!
I would have asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends.
They even call the police to listen it.
That's not something I'd call my child, but it has got a ring to it.
So now I know how Canada feels...
We had no idea he was a barber
...I think he took a fence.
A man found a monkey by the side of the road, but he didn't know what to do with it. When he got home with the monkey he asked his neighbour:
-What should I do with this monkey?
-Take it to the zoo, the neighbor answered.
-That's a good idea, I'll do that tomorrow.
The next day the neighbour saw the man come home again with the monkey.
-You didn't take it to the zoo?
-Yeah, I did. Next week we're going to Disneyland!
The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his sperm with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"
J: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential
D: Well, it's difficult to explain, so let me give you an example. You are my son - I'm confident about that.
J: How about confidential?
D: You see our neighbour little Timmy over there? He's my son - that's confidential
I've really had it with my dog, says a guy to his neighbour. He'll chase anyone on a bicycle.
Hmmm, that is a problem, says the neighbour. What are you going to do about it?
Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!
And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.
So I thought I'd check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.
She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.
My neighbour said 'Well, are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
Wife: "Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."
I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.
Now I'm in jail for murdering my neighbour
"Who is it?" The woman asks.
"It's me! Your blind neighbour!" Replies a manly voice.
The woman thinks to herself "well if it's the blind man, I don't need to put anything on." And opens the door naked.
The blind man in complete shock says "I..... I just came here to tell you that my operation was successful and I can see everything now."
He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u
Like the Spanish Armada? I asked.
Yeah, he said and I shook my head in disbelief.
Well, I sighed. At least he isn't called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.
I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, nipple clamps and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't spank him.
I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.
My goldfish died, Nancy sobbed. And I've just buried him.
The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: That's because he's inside your cat.
Whether they like it or not
Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.
That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids are hysterical."
"Sorry to hear that" I replied nervously.
"The strange thing is" he said "we buried it a couple of days ago."
I just wish his wife would do the same
He had naan
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
I know 2:00am!? Good thing I was still up playing my drums
Well obviously they don't know that yet!
Completely ruins my drumming practice.
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Student: our neighbour is painting a wall with 2 inch brush, my dad says it will take this contagious.
He lives very close, just a stone's throw away
Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"
Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."
The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.
Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"
Man:"Yeah, me too."
Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.
I said, 'Fuck off Dave, I've got work in the bloody morning' .
Do you think she might be a pervert?
Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it's a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...
So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let's call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind of funny.
Naturally my Nan asked if everything was okay and if she's alright, had she hurt herself? No she said, I'm okay, I've just bought one of those new toilet brushes, but I think I'm going to switch back to paper
ยซย Sir, I'm afraid your son is a cheaterย ยป, says the teacher.
ยซย What? No ! What makes you say that?ย ยป responds the father
ยซย Well, in the last math test, he had the same answers as his neighbour.ย ยป
ยซย Yeah, that's a math test, duh. There's only one good answer, right?ย ยป
ยซย Indeed, but in one of the questions, your son's neighbour answered "I don't know"ย .ยป
ยซย So whatย ?ย ยป
ยซย Well, your dumbass son wrote "yeah, me neither".ย ยป
Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact , much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."
The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to hospital
The next day he receives another message:
"Sorry sir spelling mistake, it's not wife but wifi".
My neighbour started a new business making boats in his attic.
The sails are through the roof.
He banged and shouted ' can we have a little respect please!'
I shouted back..., 'I'm not a big Erasure fan, but ok this one's for you!'
My neighbour is dead against it
Robot, the defendant: "Guilty as charged"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the neighbour thyself jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working neighbour infect piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.