Neighbour Jokes
123 neighbour jokes and hilarious neighbour puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about neighbour that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Neighbour Short Jokes
Short neighbour jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The neighbour humour may include short door neighbor jokes also.
- My neighbour's 4-year-old has been learning spanish since lockdown. He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
- My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
- My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands. With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having
- I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ''I could marry you!'', I couldn't believe it You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return
- Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler.... The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"
- My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
- Just been chatting to my neighbour's teenage daughter and it turns out she's really into UFOs and alien. Which is cool because tomorrow she's getting abducted.
- Wife: I'm afraid our Neighbour died Husband: Who, Ray?
Wife: It's inappropriate to cheer when someone dies
(My 7 year old came up with this joke) - I shouldn't make jokes at the expense of my anti-vax neighbours so much... They tend to get offended by those hurtful little jabs
- Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u
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Neighbour One Liners
Which neighbour one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with neighbour? I can suggest the ones about good neighbor and bad neighbor.
- My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft. I didn't take a fence.
- I'm annoyed with my loud obnoxious neighbour. Now I know how Canada feels.
- Internet went down last night My neighbour added a password
- My wife ran off with my next door neighbour.. I sure do miss him.
- My neighbours love my taste in music. They even call the police to listen it.
- I headbutted my neighbour's electric panel. I now face charges.
- My neighbour says his frog is of Ukrainian origin. I however believe it was a tad pole
- My next door neighbour has been in a few films She'll be furious if she ever finds out
- My neighbour started a business giving away chairs... It was a Chairity
- What does a Canadian say to his American "neighbours"? It's a bit weird without U.
- I watched a video on how to get better internet... I'll inform my neighbour right away.
- 668 – The neighbour of the beast.
- As a Canadian, we have the best neighbour. Thanks for being there for us Greenland.
- I saw my neighbour gluing his drill back together. What a complete tool.
- Why did the skeleton cross the road? He had a bone to pick with his neighbour.
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Neighbour Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about neighbour you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean neighborhood jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make neighbour pranks.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
CPR
I popped my head over my s**... neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.
"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."
"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"
"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out front."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife ran into the house...
"Guess what!" she said, "I got a new job down the street on the corner.''
''What!'' I replied, ''It better not be what I think it is!...You'll bring shame on the family!.. What will the neighbours say?"
''No, no, stop worrying'' she said reassuring me, ''Not in the Tescos!..... I'm gonna be a p**...!!
I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn.
He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Death Notice
An old man and his wife had just moved to Australia when the wife passed away after a s**.... While talking to the neighbour about her passing, it was mentioned that in their new country, it is common to announce deaths with a classified ad in that section of the newspaper. Well, the old man decides that's a great idea and heads back home to dial the newspaper.
"Hi there, I'd like to place a death notice."
"OK then. Firstly, sorry for your loss. Now what would you like it to say?"
"Have it say, "Ruth died.""
"Well, um, that's, um, somewhat blunt, but the minimum charge is for five words. Is there anything else you'd like to add?"
"OK. Let me think, um... "Ruth died. Toyota for sale.""
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Dreams.
3 guys are camping, and after a night of drinks & laughs around the fire, they climb into their tent and fall asleep side by side.
The next morning, the guy on the left wakes up smiling. "I had a dream I was getting j**... off all night by a supermodel!"
The guy on the right chimes in. "Me too, but it was my hot neighbour!"
The guy in the middle looks a bit dejected. "Lucky b**.... I just dreamed I was skiing."
My blonde neighbour has put 'Missing Cat' posters all over the trees on our estate.
I said to her, "I thought your cat died last week, Becky?"
"It did," she replied, "That's why I'm missing him."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A husband came home and found his wife laying n**... on the bed
and asks her "Why are you n**..., woman ?" "Because i have nothing to wear." "You have nothing to wear? You have a closet full of clothes !" He then goes and opens the closet doors and starts going through her stuff. "Look, you have one dress, two dresses, three dresses, Hello neighbour, four dresses !"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Legs Up
Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"
A teacher asks her class
to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
What's a word that starts with an N ends in an R, and is something you never want to call a black person?
Neighbour
Newspapers
The paperboy didn't deliver my newspaper this morning, so I snuck next door and took the neighbours.
In hindsight, kidnapping might have been a little excessive
Farming for a Nobel Prize
Farmer John is driving along the road one day when he spots his neighbour, Bill, standing on top of his tractor in the middle of his field. Overcome with curiosity, he ambles over and asks Bill what he is up to?
Bill replies, "Trying to win a Nobel prize".
"How do you figure?"
"Well, I hear they give them to people who are outstanding in their fields!"
My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up...
A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer. 'Nope,' replied the man. 'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer. 'But it's only £500,' replied the man. 'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'
Two kids camping in the backyard
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
I like watching horror films behind the sofa.
That way my neighbours don't know I'm there.
Facebook Problem
Someone knocked at my door last evening. When I opened it, I saw a guy from Dominos holding a chicken pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and onion rings.
"I haven't ordered any pizza," I said. "This must be a mistake."
"I know," he replied. "Your neighbour forgot his Facebook Password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner."
The wife told her husband
"look at your neighbour everyday he kisses his wife before going to work, why don't you do the same ?", he says " I would, but would she accept ?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me to My Neighbour
we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.
I Am Using Your Wife.
A man received message from his neighbour.
Sorry sir I am using your wife.
I am using day and night.
I am using when u r not present at home.
In fact I am using more than U R using.
I confess this because now I feel very much guilt.
Hope U will accept my sincere apologies.
Man went home and had a big fight with his wife.
Few minutes later he received another massage.
Sorry Sir spelling / auto correct mistake ...
it's not wife but WIFI.
What's the difference between a goat and a kid?
My neighbour isn't unknowingly raising my goats.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm not sure if putting Christmas lights up would offend my Jewish neighbours.
So just to be sure, i'll hang a massive s**... in my window too.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having s**... into the early hours of the morning.
I would have asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends.
My neighbours named their child "Saturn".
That's not something I'd call my child, but it has got a ring to it.
Seeing my ex for the first time in months left me with just one thought...
I wish the neighbour's dog would stop digging up my garden…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My neighbours are really obnoxious and crass
So now I know how Canada feels...
One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden...
...I think he took a fence.
A man and a monkey
A man found a monkey by the side of the road, but he didn't know what to do with it. When he got home with the monkey he asked his neighbour:
-What should I do with this monkey?
-Take it to the zoo, the neighbor answered.
-That's a good idea, I'll do that tomorrow.
The next day the neighbour saw the man come home again with the monkey.
-You didn't take it to the zoo?
-Yeah, I did. Next week we're going to Disneyland!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Life's been a bit weird lately.
A while back I showed up late to a dinner at my hot lesbian neighbours. They forgave me, and eventually we got chatting about my birthday. They asked me what I wanted for it. Answer was pretty obvious, I told them I wanted a watch. They giggled a bit, and eventually agreed.
I think they were just teasing me though, its been a week since my birthday and I still can't tell the time.
Seen two girls have s**... though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a s**... test.
The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his s**... with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"
God said to Gabriel:
"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"
"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"
"Well" said God. "Wait til you see the neighbours they're getting"
dog keeps chasing people...
I've really had it with my dog, says a guy to his neighbour. He'll chase anyone on a bicycle.
Hmmm, that is a problem, says the neighbour. What are you going to do about it?
Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!
A baby is born
And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.
The snow in the UK is pretty bad right now
So I thought I'd check on my elderly 85 year old neighbour Valerie to see if she needed anything from the shops.
She said she did so I gave her my list too, no point us both going out in this weather.
God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn
He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my neighbours if they knew who's the idiot that keeps leaving his trash bags in the elevator.
They didn't so for now I'm gonna keep doing that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woke up at 6 o' clock this morning ...
...with a b**... hangover listening to my neighbour mowing his lawn , was going to get up and throttle the sod , but then thought "To Heck with it , he can mow around me."
My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.
I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: Hey, how do you spell color?
British Friend: C-O-L-O-U-R
Me: How do you spell honor?
British Friend: H-O-N-O-U-R
Me: How do you spell neighbor?
British Friend: N-E-I-G-H-B-O-U-R
Me: Why do you keep adding an extra 'u' in these words?
British Friend: dQw4w9WgXcQ
Once I got annoyed with my Nokia and threw it at the wall
Now I'm in jail for murdering my neighbour
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
While having a bath, a woman hears the doorbell.
"Who is it?" The woman asks.
"It's me! Your blind neighbour!" Replies a manly voice.
The woman thinks to herself "well if it's the blind man, I don't need to put anything on." And opens the door n**....
The blind man in complete shock says "I..... I just came here to tell you that my operation was successful and I can see everything now."
I saw my neighbour hitting his plants with a long stick. I asked him why he was doing it but he wouldnt give me a straight answer,
He just kept beating around the bush.
I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...
He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
I'm pretty sure I've figured out my neighbour's 3 favourite films
* 10,000,000 Explosions
* Army Guys Yelling at Each Other
* Subwoofer: The Movie
I can't believe my neighbour.
He knocked on my door and yelled for me AT 2am. 2am! Can you believe him? Lucky for him i was still awake playing my drums.
(True story, for what it's worth) My neighbour has a new Spanish teacher at school, his name is Mr Armada.
Like the Spanish Armada? I asked.
Yeah, he said and I shook my head in disbelief.
Well, I sighed. At least he isn't called Mr Inquisition. Nobody would have expected that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is talking to her next door neighbour and she says I'm worried about my 16 year old son...
I looked in his school bag and found a gimp mask, n**... c**... and a whip. What should I do.
And the neighbour replyed I'm no expert but I wouldn't s**... him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.
I got such a fright I almost wet her p**....
Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: What are you doing there, Nancy?
My goldfish died, Nancy sobbed. And I've just buried him.
The obnoxious neighbour laughed and said condescendingly: That's a really big hole for a little goldfish, don't you think?
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: That's because he's inside your cat.
My dog came bounding into the house this morning with the neighbour's rabbit hanging lifeless from it's jaws.
Panic set in and so I scrubbed it clean and got all the blood marks off until it was pure white again. I then sneaked into their garden and popped it back in its hutch.
That evening my neighbour knocked at my door and said "I can't believe it, flopsy is lying dead in its hutch and the kids are hysterical."
"Sorry to hear that" I replied nervously.
"The strange thing is" he said "we buried it a couple of days ago."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So my neighbour is outside gardening t**... again today
I just wish his wife would do the same
"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
My neighbour and I became really close friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
We got a long well.
A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.
Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"
Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."
The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.
Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"
Man:"Yeah, me too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"
Man: b**..., why should I pay twice.
As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...
As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.
Like many people in lockdown I've been getting most of my clothes online
My neighbours now take their washing in at night
Toilet brush
Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it's a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...
So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let's call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind of funny.
Naturally my Nan asked if everything was okay and if she's alright, had she hurt herself? No she said, I'm okay, I've just bought one of those new toilet brushes, but I think I'm going to switch back to paper
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A father meets his son's teacher.
« Sir, I'm afraid your son is a cheater », says the teacher.
« What? No ! What makes you say that? » responds the father
« Well, in the last math test, he had the same answers as his neighbour. »
« Yeah, that's a math test, duh. There's only one good answer, right? »
« Indeed, but in one of the questions, your son's neighbour answered "I don't know" .»
« So what ? »
« Well, your d**... son wrote "yeah, me neither". »
A man receives a message from a neighbour....
Sorry sir I am using your wife...day and night... When you are not present at home...In fact , much more than you do. I confess this now because I am feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincere apologies."
The man is down with a heart attack and admitted to hospital
The next day he receives another message:
"Sorry sir spelling mistake, it's not wife but wifi".
Once, me and my family wanted to bake some marshmallows in the campfire.
We had the poles with marshmallows sticked to them prepared when we heard sirens. We all ran out to see what happened. The neighbours' house was on fire and I saw a lot of firefighters trying to get the fire under control. The neighbours looked at us with pure disgust. That was the moment I realized we were still holding the sticks with marshmallows.
The genie of the lamp
Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.
The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.
The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car and my house in exchange of the lamp." The poor accepted the deal.
The rich man wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" he asked for a very big house and a better car.the genie replied : « Sorry sir,i only serve tea and coffee »
A girl is talking to her dog.
The neighbours say you've been chasing people riding on a bike, she says.
Liars, the dog says. I don't have a bike.
If I'm good at lip reading correctly...
Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My neighbours are complaining about my loud groans during s**... in the mornings.If . . .
they only knew its me putting my socks on!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm hiding in my Finnish Neighbours shed, waiting to jump out and surprise him.
It's like a sauna in here.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning.
He seemed to be waiting for the bus, so I said, 'Jump in, I'll give you ride.'
He said 'Go to h**...', so I thought he was very ungrateful.
But then I just zipped up my backpack and kept walking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just got back from the f**... of my 82 year old neighbour who died after falling off his roof when fixing his TV antenna.
The f**... was sad, but the reception was excellent.
A man furiously approaches his neighbour and shouts, Where is your wife!?
Why? the neighbour asks. What did Anna do?
She tricked my wife into investing in a fake farm for giant snakes, the man yelled.
Anna conned her?
No. Burmese python.
A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery..
The husband sobs " Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone" .
Robber : " Wow you must really love your wife ".
Husband " Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute" .
Every day I see my big-breasted neighbour doing gardening work in front of the house.
I really hope his wife tells him to put a shirt on someday.
