neighbour Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious neighbour puns

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"


My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer. 'Nope,' replied the man. 'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer. 'But it's only £500,' replied the man. 'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'


I saw my midget neighbour on my way home today .

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.


I came out my front door this morning to see my neighbour frantically trying to scrub off the word "PEDO" that had been spray painted on his front window.

"What's been going on John?"' I asked.

"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.

Dirty bastard.


Mom I got a boyfriend!

Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.

Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.

Mom: That's not what I was talking about...


My neighbours listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.


I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop

Jump in, I'll give you a lift home I said.
Fuck off he shouted back.
What an ungrateful little cunt I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.


When I left for work this morning my neighbour was scrubbing his front door...

... as someone had graffitied "PAEDO" on it.

Me: "Mate, what's been going on?"

Neighbour: "Fucking kids..."


My next door neighbour is bulimic.

She was making so much noise last night that I banged on the wall and shouted "For fucks sake, keep it down."


My neighbour really pissed me off last night...

He kept playing the same Lionel Richie song over and over. I wouldn't mind normally but it was all night long.


Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's good cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!'


Saw my neighbour scrubbing some graffiti saying 'paedo' off his door this morning...

I said "What's been going on mate?"

He said "Fucking kids!"


My neighbour asked if I had been stealing clothes off her washing line..

I nearly shit her pants


A baby is born

And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.


I saw six men kicking and punching my mother-in-law.

My neighbour said 'Well, are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'


The life of a penis is not an easy one.

His family is nuts, his neighbour is an ass, his owner beats him and his best friend is a pussy.


I tried to brighten my neighborhood by planting dildos all over the boundary wall.

My neighbour is totally furious , but his wife is still on the fence ...


I got told at church last Sunday that I should love my neighbour as I love myself.

He wasn't very happy when I tried to wank him off.


The neighbours hate us

"The neighbours hate us."


"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"

"Yeah, that was really fun."

"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her huband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"

"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."

"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."


A Penis Has A Sad life...

His hair is a mess,his family is nuts, his closest neighbour is a asshole,his best friend is a pussy &a his owner beats him viciously


Heard my neighbours shagging last night for what seemed like ages last night...

all the moaning, groaning and banging on the headboard seemed to go on for ages!

Turns out my elderly neighbour had fallen and was banging on the wall for help.

Feel a bit guilty about the wank now


Two kids camping in the backyard

Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.

"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.

"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.

The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"


My blonde neighbour has put 'Missing Cat' posters all over the trees on our estate.

I said to her, "I thought your cat died last week, Becky?"

"It did," she replied, "That's why I'm missing him."



Teacher: Can someone use the word Contagious in a sentence?

*Student raises hand* "I can"
My dad said he saw my neighbour painting his house with a three-inch brush. Said its gonna take the cunt ages.


One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden...

...I think he took a fence.


What's a word that starts with an N ends in an R, and is something you never want to call a black person?



My neighbours listen to good music

Whether they want to or not


My next-door neighbour accused me of stealing her underwear from her washing line.

I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.


Little johnny was asking his dad

J: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential

D: Well, it's difficult to explain, so let me give you an example. You are my son - I'm confident about that.

J: How about confidential?

D: You see our neighbour little Timmy over there? He's my son - that's confidential


My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft.

I didn't take a fence.


I woke up hung-over to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn.

He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.


A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor for a sperm test.

The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his sperm with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"


My neighbour is in the Guinness book of world records.

He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.


A teacher asks her class

to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.

"Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."


People aren't as as friendly as they used to be

On my way home from work I saw my neighbour, who happens to be a dwarf, waiting at a bus stop. So I stopped and told him to hop in. He gave me a finger and told me to fuck off.

So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.


What are the most funny Neighbour jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Neighbour? Well, here are the best Neighbour dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Neighbour pick up lines to share with friends.

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