He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer. 'Nope,' replied the man. 'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer. 'But it's only £500,' replied the man. 'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said. "Fuck off" he shouted back. "What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
"What's been going on John?"' I asked.
"Fucking kids," came his mumbled reply.
Dirty bastard.
Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.
Mom: But he could be your father!
Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That's not what I was talking about...
whether they like it or not.
Jump in, I'll give you a lift home I said.
Fuck off he shouted back.
What an ungrateful little cunt I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.
... as someone had graffitied "PAEDO" on it.
Me: "Mate, what's been going on?"
Neighbour: "Fucking kids..."
She was making so much noise last night that I banged on the wall and shouted "For fucks sake, keep it down."
He kept playing the same Lionel Richie song over and over. I wouldn't mind normally but it was all night long.
Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's good cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!'
I said "What's been going on mate?"
He said "Fucking kids!"
I nearly shit her pants
And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next. He sells all his possessions, spends all his money.
14 days later his neighbour dies.
My neighbour said 'Well, are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
His family is nuts, his neighbour is an ass, his owner beats him and his best friend is a pussy.
My neighbour is totally furious , but his wife is still on the fence ...
He wasn't very happy when I tried to wank him off.
"The neighbours hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her huband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."
His hair is a mess,his family is nuts, his closest neighbour is a asshole,his best friend is a pussy &a his owner beats him viciously
all the moaning, groaning and banging on the headboard seemed to go on for ages!
Turns out my elderly neighbour had fallen and was banging on the wall for help.
Feel a bit guilty about the wank now
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
"What time do you think it is?" One of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise" says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways. After a few seconds of screaming a light turn on in another yard and a neighbour yells "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
I said to her, "I thought your cat died last week, Becky?"
"It did," she replied, "That's why I'm missing him."
Teacher: Can someone use the word Contagious in a sentence?
*Student raises hand* "I can"
My dad said he saw my neighbour painting his house with a three-inch brush. Said its gonna take the cunt ages.
...I think he took a fence.
Neighbour
Whether they want to or not
I was so shocked I almost crapped her pants.
J: Dad, what's the difference between confident and confidential
D: Well, it's difficult to explain, so let me give you an example. You are my son - I'm confident about that.
J: How about confidential?
D: You see our neighbour little Timmy over there? He's my son - that's confidential
I didn't take a fence.
He'll have to mow around me. I'm not moving.
The doctor gives him a bottle to collect his sperm with. The next day he comes back with an empty bottle. He looks at the doctor and says:
"I've tried with my left hand and then with my right hand. My wife tried with both her hands. Even my daughter tried with both her hands and her mouth as well, same with my granddaughter. Even the neighbour and her daughter couldn't get it done! Doctor, could you open this bottle for me?"
He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.
to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
On my way home from work I saw my neighbour, who happens to be a dwarf, waiting at a bus stop. So I stopped and told him to hop in. He gave me a finger and told me to fuck off.
So I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.
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