Neighborhood Jokes
138 neighborhood jokes and hilarious neighborhood puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about neighborhood that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh it up with jokes about life in the tough neighborhood, the Neighborhood Watch, suburb, town, and downtown. Get a giggle out of these funny takes on the everyday.
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Funniest Neighborhood Short Jokes
Short neighborhood jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The neighborhood humour may include short neighbourhood jokes also.
- Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.
- Why does Donald Trump secretly want to lose the election? Because if he wins, he'll have to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
- Why doesn't Melania Trump want her husband to become President? She doesn't want to move into a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
- I just found out my neighborhood barber was arrested for dealing drugs! I've been his customer for 25 years and I never knew he was a barber.
- Give a man some corn, he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn, he kills you and steals your land!
- A new restaurant named Karma just opened in my neighborhood. There's no menu, you just get what you deserve.
- If you see a monk going door to door selling flowers in your neighborhood, call the authorities immediately. Because only YOU can prevent florist friars.
- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a donation for the neighborhood pool... I gave a glass of water.
- A couple of guys stole hundreds of cans of red bull from our neighborhood store. I don't know how they can sleep at night.
- usain bolt usain bolt, the fastest man in the world, can run almost 30mph. that means if were to run in a neighborhood, he could get pulled over by the cops...for being black.
Share These Neighborhood Jokes With Friends
Neighborhood One Liners
Which neighborhood one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with neighborhood? I can suggest the ones about door neighbor and good neighbor.
- In my community we have a neighborhood watch, It's actually more like a clock tower.
- What do you call a sketchy italian neighborhood? The spaghetto
- All neighborhoods are predominantly Mexican. Until they're done being built.
- On Halloween don't wear a dinosaur costume in bad neighborhoods. You'll get Jurasskicked.
- Two types of peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood. One of them was a salted.
- Why did the car get disqualified from the neighborhood drag race? >!No spoilers!<
- I've heard someone in our neighborhood is gay. I hope it's the mailman, he's so cute.
- What do you call a poor neighborhood in Italy? A speghetto!
- Did you hear about the dog from Compton? He lives in a ruff neighborhood.
- What do you call a bad Italian neighborhood? A spaghetto
- What do you call a group of horse stables? A NEIGH-borhood
- A Muslim, a Christian, and an Atheist all walk into a bar... What a diverse neighborhood.
- Two peanuts were walking through a bad neighborhood. One was assaulted.
- The church in our neighborhood has no lights. Every Sunday we pray for enlightenment.
- What do you call your friendly neighborhood valet? Peter Parker.
Neighborhood Watch Jokes
Here is a list of funny neighborhood watch jokes and even better neighborhood watch puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I joined the neighborhood watch program last night... There's 7 of us, so I get to wear it 1 day a week.
- The NSA doesn't understand public television Why do people enjoy watching Mr. Rogers so much when they could watch the entire neighborhood
- How does the homeowner's association tell time? It checks its neighborhood watch.
- Yall watch out. My lady said there is some w**... running around the neighborhood. She said he is offering a bottle of wine if the woman shows him her b**....
She also says the wine taste terrible.
Tough Neighborhood Jokes
Here is a list of funny tough neighborhood jokes and even better tough neighborhood puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I grew up in a rough neighborhood. As a Child, people would cover me in chocolate, cream, and then put a cherry on top. It's was tough in the Gateau
- I grew up in a pretty tough neighborhood. Kids use to cover me in chocolate and frosting and put cherries on my head. Life was tough in the gateau.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Neighborhood Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about neighborhood you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bad neighbor jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make neighborhood pranks.
Blonde Paint Job Warning:Long
A blonde,wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself as a handyman type and started canvasing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the man asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a porch, it's a Ferrari."
Blonde Paint Job
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
The Door Prize
Olie went to the neighborhood dance, and he won the big door prize. It was a toilet brush. So he took it home.
A few days later some friends of Olie asked him "Hey Olie how is that toilet brush working out for ya."
Olie said "Oh it works real good but I prefer toilet paper."
New neighbor.
Two women were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
"But he acts so s**...," said one to the other.
"I think he must have his brains between his legs."
"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."
They should name hurricanes after black people:
It only takes one to ruin the neighborhood.
My girlfriend told me this one
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
You're so poor,
your neighborhood just received a box full of 49ers Superbowl champions t shirts.
Jimmy and Joey (never seen this here so sorry if repost)
One day Jimmy and Joey were walking through their neighborhood looking for something to do.
Jimmy then shouted, " JOEY LOOK A n**... LADY"
Joey looked and sure enough there was a woman sunbathing by her pool n**....
Joey then screamed very loudly and ran away in a panic.
Jimmy was very puzzled at why Joey ran, so he chased down Joey to see what happened.
He catches Joey and asks him, "Why are you running away? We finally got to see a n**... lady."
Joey responded, "My mamma always told me that if I ever saw a person n**... I would turn to stone, and back there I felt something get hard.
A guy moves into a new neighborhood...
And a r**... knocks on the door. The guy opens and the r**... says "howdy neighbor! welcome to the neighborhood! Tonight I'm gona throw a party in your honor - there's gona be a whole lot of dancin, a whole lot of drinkin and a whole lot of screwin!"
The guy replies "sounds great! What should I bring?" The r**... replies "wellp - you can bring whatever you want, it's just gona be you and me"
more dad-jokes (the limb-less edition)
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs at your front door?
Matt.
The neighborhood kids came to Timmy's house and asked if he could come out to play. "Shame on you kids," says Timmy's mom. "Don't you know Timmy doesn't have any arms or legs? He can't play with you."
"But we're playing baseball and we need a home base."
The police caught a man m**... in public.
As they were arrestng him, they told him, "You came in the wrong neighborhood."
So the Bears were looking for a new quarterback.
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you", the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get r**...!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Baseball in Heaven
Moe and Sam, who were both 90 years old, loved baseball, and they had their entire life. One day, they were sitting together on a bench in their neighborhood when Moe turns to Sam and says:
"Will you promise me something? Promise me that if you die first and go to heaven, you'll come back and tell if there's baseball there."
Sam agreed, and made Moe promise the same. 3 months later, Sam died, and the next week Moe woke up in his sleep with someone calling his name.
"Who's there?" he called out.
"Moe! It's me Sam!"
"Sam! It's so good to hear you! How's heaven?" Moe asked.
"It's great, but I've some news, some good and some bad" Sam told him.
"Well tell me the good news first" Moe replied.
"Ok, the good news is that, there is baseball in heaven."
"That's great." Moe exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
"Well, the bad news is that I was reading the lineup, and you're pitching on Friday."
Two dogs are at the vet talking.
Two dogs are at the vet talking.
Great Dane: So what are you here for?
Poodle: Well I've been wandering around the neighborhood too much lately looking for s**... so they're having me castrated, you?
Great Dane: My mistress does the housework n**..., she was bending over cleaning the vegetable draw in the fridge and I just couldn't help myself so I went for it.
Poodle: So you're here for castration too hey?
Great Dane: No, I'm here to get my claws trimmed.
My neighborhood is getting dangerous...
I was walking home the other night from the store with my hoodie on and the woman in front of me sped up, so I sped up. Then she started running so I started running to. I felt bad I passed her and left her behind. I never did see what we were running from.
Home safety
I took my name off the Neighborhood Watch List.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, and multiple intelligence services are watching my house 24/7.
I've never felt safer in my entire Life!
I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I am saving $49.95 a month.
Just saved 50 bucks!
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch. I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I've never felt safer and I'm saving $49.95 a month!
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood...
Two guys are walking in a rough neighborhood when someone jumps out from behind a car, pulls out a p**..., and demands, "Give me your wallets, NOW!"
The guys, pretty much expecting this, sigh and pull out their wallets. o**... opens his wallet and shows the thief that he had no cash and no credit cards.
The other guy opens his and grabs a bill, handing it to his friend. "Oh, hey, here's the $20 I owe you."
I came across a lost kid in my neighborhood the other day
Now I have to register everywhere I live and put a sign in my yard :(
How to deal with an anthill
Next time you have an anthill problem, here is what you do;
Grab yourself a can of black spray paint and cover the entire anthill in it. Then grab a stick or something of the sort and stir the paint in. Once all the ants realize they now live in a black neighborhood, they stop working and start shooting each other.
Another blonde joke.
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
A blonde, wanting to earn some money...
decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
What's the difference between a garbage truck and a school bus?
One goes around neighborhoods picking up useless pieces of garbage that nobody wants in their houses anymore..
And the other's a garbage truck.
Took down my rebel flag and peeled off my NRA sticker off the front door.
We have disconnected our home alarm system and quit the candy-a**... neighborhood watch. We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center. Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7. I have never felt safer and we're saving $49.99 a month!
What's the difference between r**... and rapping?
One's mostly done by criminals in shady neighborhoods, and the other is s**... without consent.
What do you call a group of Spanish-speaking moms who band together to protect their neighborhood?
Super Barrio Mothers
You know you teach in a rough neighborhood when...
You ask the class what comes after a sentence and they say, "you make an appeal."
You all need to stop worrying about Trump becoming the next president...
There's no way he's moving into a smaller house in a black neighborhood!
Why would Donald Trump want to lose the election?
Winning means he'd need to live in a smaller house in a black neighborhood
There was a b**... in my neighborhood last night
The police told us to stay inside until they shot him
FRESH HARAMBE OF BELL AIR....
In west Cincinnati I was born and raised on the zoo grounds is where I spent most of my days,Chillin out hangin out acting all cool, eating bananas out by the pool When a mom and her kid, they were up to no good, crawled over the fence into my neighborhood,I got in one little fight and my zoo keeper got scared, heard a gunshot just before I stopped breathing air.......
Little Johnny was made fun of...
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being s**.... Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"
There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..
but enough about the Church ..
The Lawyer and the Mexican
A lawyer and a Mexican live next to eachother in the most cookie-cutter neighborhood you can imagine.
One day, they're both mowing the frontlawn. The Mexican says:
"You know, my house is worth more than yours."
The lawyer is confused. He responds:
"How? Our houses are identical. Did you renovate the interior?"
"No."
"Did you modernize the kitchen or the bathroom?"
"I didn't."
"Then how can your house be worth more than mine?!", the lawyer cries.
"Well, I live next to a lawyer, and you live next to a Mexican."
After working long and hard for my PhD people finally recognize me..
As the neighborhood pizza Hut delivery guy now.
Why does Donald Trump secretly not want to become president?
He'd have to move in to a smaller house in a black neighborhood.
Why are school shooters more likely to be white people?
White people actually go to school. Black people stay home and shoot people in their own neighborhood.
Someone has been spraying graffiti of what appears to be corporate ledgers all around my neighborhood.
And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls, and tenement halls.
There's an apartment building in my neighborhood that's full of guys who think they're Jesus
It's a Messiah Complex
A man moves to a new neighborhood
After a few days his neighbor knocks on his door
"I'm having a party tonight" says the neighbor "you should come over. But I should let you know, my parties tend to get pretty wild. There will be a lot of drinking, probably some fighting, and some really crazy s**...."
"Sounds like fun" responds the man. "Should I bring anything?" he asks.
"That shouldn't be necessary" the neighbor says. "It will just be the two of us".
A bunch of rich redheads moved my family out of the neighborhood.
I never thought much of gingerfication until it happened to me.
I hated living in my poor neighborhood. But, thanks to gentrification...
It's all white now
To keep s**... interesting after 4 years of marriage, my wife and I like to roleplay. I pretend I'm the neighborhood handyman..
and she pretends she's still attracted to me.
So what do you call a street where sheep and horses are fighting over turf?
A baaad neigh-borhood.
...
I'm glad none of you are close enough to punch me.
Usain Bolt was going for run around his neighborhood when a policeman pulled him over.
Usain, confused to why he was being apprehended, asked, "Is there a problem with a black man going for a run?"
The cop respond, "No, you were doing 30 in a 15."
A church in my neighborhood has started having raves every night...
They're Crystal Methodists.
My Neighborhood's mechanic.
It's amazing how unexpected things happen around us, my neighborhood's mechanic was just arrested by the police for selling drugs...
Who would've known! I've been his customer for 3 years and I never realized he was a mechanic til now.
Wrong direction
A guy gets home and his wife tells him "Be careful, there is an insane person in the neighborhood who is driving in the wrong direction".
The guy replies "Only one? There are many!"
What do you call an Italian neighborhood full of crime, tomato sauce, prostitution and meatballs?
The spaghetto
My parents said I don't have to come home until the street lights come on
but we live in an Amish neighborhood so I think they just don't love me
A philosopher was walking around the neighborhood late at night.....
......a police officer came up to him and said "Who are you? What are you doing here?"
The philosopher responded, "Yes! Those are the questions!" And walked away.
A guy moves to a new neighborhood and sees his neighbor playing chess with his dog
A guy moves to a new neighborhood. The next morning, he sees his neighbor playing chess with his dog. Tries to be friendly, he asks: wow you have an incredibly smart dog, he can even play chess, how'd you train him?. Bothered, his neighbor replies: Nah, not that bright, we've been playing 10 games, and he lost like 7 of them!
The other night, there was a b**... in my neighborhood.
He was arrested within the hour.
My wife was leaving me because I made too many Legend of Zelda references
My wife was leaving me because I made too many Legend of Zelda references. She packed up her suitcase, and she walked out. As soon as she walked out of the door, I noticed that she had left her suitcase here. We live in a bad neighborhood, so she packed some pepper spray in it just in case. I quickly picked it up, ran out the door, and saw her. I handed it to her and said:
It's dangerous to go alone. Here, take this.
I live in a rough neighborhood
There are lots of gangs here, so it's pretty scary at times.
In fact, my neighbor used to be a blood.
Then he fell off the roof. Now he's a crip.
So, Will Smith is playing the genie from Aladdin, well then
West Philadelphia born and raised, in a genie lamp is where I spend most of my days. Chillin out back and relaxing all cool til Aladdin showed up with little Abu then a couple of guys who were up to no good..Jafar started taking over my neighborhood. I got in one little fight and my master got scared he said if you mingle with the street rats don't come back near here.
I'm glad we have that s**... offender registry.
Without, It would be so much harder to find new, like-minded friends in the neighborhood.
When I was a kid, my dad saw a sign in a nice neighborhood that said, "Drive Like Your Kids Live Here,"...
So he drove halfway across the country without saying goodbye!
There was a kidnapping in my neighborhood.
After about half an hour of nap, the kid woke up and went to play.
Usain Bolt can reach speeds up to 30 miles per hour. So in certain suburban neighborhoods, he might get arrested.
For being black.
My neighborhood barber got arrested this morning for dealing drugs. I'm utterly shocked. I've been his customer for years!
I had no idea he was a barber.
People are currently shooting fireworks off in my neighborhood. I'm usually all for shooting fireworks to celebrate the founding of the greatest nation on Earth, but come on...
Canada Day was yesterday!
Chad wants to divorce his wife.
He files a court case and during the hearing, the judge asks him why.
He respond by saying - she doesn't satisfy me anymore.
The wife quickly replies - Your honor, the entire neighborhood is satisfied with me, he is the only one who's never happy.
My dad gave me a gun when I was 12
I was the only boy in the neighborhood with a gun. One year after, I was the only boy in the neighborhood!
My dad has taken to walking the streets of our neighborhood dressed as a nun.
We're trying hard to get him out of the habit.
