neighbor Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious neighbor puns

My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is...purified? Oh, wait: petrified. Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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Sex and bread..

A man and his wife are talking.

W- can you help me in the garden?

H- do i look like a fucking gardener?

W- well can you help with the door?

H- do i look like a fucking carpenter?

Man leaves for work. Comes back later and it's all done.

H- see I knew you could do it!

W- wasn't me. It was John the neighbor.

H- how much you pay him?

W- no money he gave me the choice between sex and bread.

H- I hope you gave him bread.

W- Do I look like a fucking baker?

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.

I can tell you I nearly shit her pants.

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My attractive female neighbor is completely paranoid.

She thinks I'm stalking her or following her. She's worried that I may be obsessed with her and anytime she hears a noise in her house she is... purified. Wait, hold on: "petrified". Sorry, it's not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

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Theory vs. Reality

A son asks his father what the difference between theory and reality is.

The father says go ask your mother if she would sleep with the neighbor for 1 million dollars, then go ask your sister the same question and tell me what they say.

The son returns and says, "they both said they would do it!"

The father replies, "ok son, in theory we are sitting on 2 million dollars, in reality we live with a couple of sluts."

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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs..

I've been his customer for 6 years. I had no idea he was a barber

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My neighbors listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

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As told to me by an 85 year old shriner clown.

Little 8 year old Susie is in her back yard digging a hole. Her neighbor Mr. Johnson peeks over the fence and says "gee Susie, what's going on?"

Susie says "I'm digging a hole, it's pretty obvious."

Mr. Johnson asks "why are you digging a hole?"

Susie replies "I'm burying my gold fish."

Mr Johnson laughs and asks "Why is the hole so big?"

Susie replies "Because my goldfish is inside your fucking cat".

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Trumpets and Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.

One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So?"

"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

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My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I'm on the fence.

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"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Why?"
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

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Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe. Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.


Mom: That's not what I was talking about.

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My neighbor asked if I knew anything about the missing clothes from her clothes line

I almost shit her pants

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My neighbor obviously doesn't watch porn.

She asked me come fix her sink, I been here for an hour and I'm still fixing the damn sink.

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My next door neighbor is Bulimic and she was making so much noise last night, that I banged on the wall and shouted...

"For goodness sake, keep it down!"

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The neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs...

We had been his customers for 8 years. We had no idea he was a barber.

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A son ask his dad to explain the difference between reality and fiction.

Dad: It's complicated but let me try to explain. Honey, would you sleep with the neighbor for 100,000$?

Mom: Yes of course because I know we need the money.

Dad: Very good. Alright now Tasha, would you have sex with the neighbor's son for 200,000$?

Daughter: Yeah sure!

Dad: Perfect. So you see son, right now we would have 300,000 fictional dollars but in reality we have two whores in this house.

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A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"

Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.

"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.

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My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall

But it was his dumb asphalt

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What gets bigger every time I watch my neighbor undress in her bedroom window?

The restraining order

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I before E

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

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My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night.

Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

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Talking Clock

After a night at the bar, a guy invites his friend over to see his new apartment. During the tour, his friend sees a large gong against the wall and asks, "What's with the gong?" "It's not a gong, it's a talking clock," says the guy. He picks up the mallet, and hits the gong. His neighbor screams from the other side of the wall, "Shut the fuck up, Its 3:30 in the goddamn morning!"

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I named my dog WiFi

Because I stole it from my neighbor

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My neighbor pounded on my door at 2:30am last night! Can you believe that?! 2:30am!

Fortunately, I was still up practicing my bagpipes.

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I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop today...

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"F*ck you!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little cunt," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

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I was on my way home from work, and saw my midget neighbor waiting for the bus...

I said "hop in, i'll give you a lift!"

He gave me the finger and told me to fuck off.

So I just zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

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My neighbor is loud and obnoxious

Now I know how Canada feels

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so, my neighbors just got arrested for making their kids get Botox.....

none of the kids looked surprised

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I built an electric fence around my property yesterday…

My neighbor is dead against it…

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My wife always cheats when we play board games

Just last night, we were all playing Monopoly in the den and she was next-door fucking the neighbor.

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My gay neighbor gave me a sextape of him and his husband for my birthday.

I think he misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

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How to get free internet @ home

I live in an apartment complex so I have neighbors left to right and below me. One day I asked my neighbor if he was interested in splitting the cost of my wifi 50/50 so he could also use it. He agreed. I went on to my other neighbor downstairs and asked him the same thing. Now both my neighbors are paying for my wifi.

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My neighbor stopped by to tell me my dogs had been chasing people on bicycles

Bull shit, my dogs don't even have bicycles!

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What are the most funny Neighbor jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Neighbor? Well, here are the best Neighbor dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Neighbor pick up lines to share with friends.

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