Neigh Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up...

A man went to his lawyer and told him, 'My neighbour owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?' 'Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer. 'Nope,' replied the man. 'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer. 'But it's only £500,' replied the man. 'Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'

My neighbors listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

"The neighbors hate us."

"The neighbors hate us."
"Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?"
"Yeah, that was really fun."
"And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband's arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?"
"Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we'd done..."
"We were still holding our marshmallow sticks."

My neighbor knocked on my door this morning at 2:30 AM!

Luckily for him i was still up playing my drums

My neighbours listen to awesome music

whether they like it or not.

My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall

But it was his dumb asphalt

My neighbor pounded on my door at 2:30am last night! Can you believe that?! 2:30am!

Fortunately, I was still up practicing my bagpipes.

My neighbor is loud and obnoxious

Now I know how Canada feels

so, my neighbors just got arrested for making their kids get Botox.....

none of the kids looked surprised

My neighbor thinks I spy on her..

I would tell her otherwise, but she's in the shower right now

My neighbour banged on my door yesterday asking if I'd seen who stole her laundry off her line.

I got such a fright I almost wet her panties.

I can't believe my neighbors came to my house at 5:00 AM...

...thank god I was already up playing the bagpipes.

My neighbor traded in his KIA yesterday.

Sold his Soul for a Mustang.

I can't believe my neighbor had the audacity to ring my doorbell at 2 in the morning.

Lucky for him though I was still up playing my bagpipes.

My neighbor came pounding on my front door at 2am last night

lucky for him, I was up practicing my bag pipes.

What will the neighbors think?

With summer getting sunnier a woman asks her husband:
"What do you think: should I go sunbathing in the nude in the backyard?"
The husband just shrugs and says:"Do as you like."
The woman replies: "What do you think the neighbors will say if they see me sunbathing like that?"
The husband replies:"They'll probably think I married you for the money."

My neighbors think I'm having sex with a 3 year old.

I tried to explain it to them but they didn't seem comforted when I cleared up the fact that my German Shepherd is actually 21 in dog years.

One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden...

...I think he took a fence.

My neighbours listen to good music

Whether they want to or not

My neighbour wrongly accused me of property theft.

I didn't take a fence.

My neighbors listen to great music

and I don't care if they want it or not.

Our neighbourhood barber got arrested for selling drugs after we had been his customer for 5 years.

We had no idea he was a barber

My neighbor is Indian and every night when he comes home he punches his wife...

6:30 pm, right on the dot.

Me to My Neighbour

we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.

I think my neighbor is stalking me through her computer, because I've seen her google my name.

I'm certain I saw it on my telescope last night.

Ok, so my neighbours officially hate me.

Me and a few mates were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were roasting marshmallows and stuff when suddenly we hear sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.

So we all went running to see what was up, and our neighbour's house was on fire!

Well, when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever..

Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....

Talk about bad timing...

My neighbour has had a record 44 concussions.

He lives very close to me.

A stone's throw away in fact


My neighbours named their child "Saturn".

That's not something I'd call my child, but it has got a ring to it.

All neighborhoods are predominantly Mexican.

Until they're done being built.

My new neighbour is fat, obnoxious and loud...

Now I know how Canada feels

My neighbours are really obnoxious and crass

So now I know how Canada feels...

My Neighbor is purified of me

Wait, not purified. Petrified. She's petrified. It's hard to read a diary through these binoculars.

My neighbor named his dog "Rolex"...

He's a watch dog.

My neighbour thinks adults shouldn't pretend the lawn is lava...

But I'm on the fence.

Our neighbors got really annoyed at me after I played catch with their son yesterday.

But in fairness, I couldn't find a ball, and the kid actually seemed to enjoy getting tossed back and forth. So I don't know what the big deal is.

My new neighbors are listening to Slayer all day long

They don't seem to like it much, but I'm sure they'll come around eventually.

My neighbourhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been a customer for 6 years.

I never knew he was a barber.

There was a horse who was a genius at arithmetic...

...which it learned with no difficulty. Algebra was a breeze, and it could even prove theorems in Euclidean geometry. However, when someone tried to teach it analytic geometry, it would rear back on its hind legs, kick ferociously, neigh loudly, and make violent head motions in resistance.

The moral of this story is that you can't put Descartes before the horse.

Wish she was my neighbor

A beautiful woman loves to garden, but can't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. She asks her neighbor, "What do you do to get your tomatoes red?"
He replies, "Twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
The woman decides to do the same thing. So twice a day for two weeks she exposes herself to the garden. Her neighbor asks, "How did it go? Did you tomatoes turn red?"
"No," she replies, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

My neighbors made a sex tape today

Obviously I haven't told them yet though

My neighbors called the cops on me, but when the police came to my house all they found was my collection of string instruments.

I got charged with domestic violins.

My neighbors son asked me to explain women to him.

So I bought him an Xbox game for his PlayStation.

I think my neighbour is growing tomatoes in his car...

He's been sat in there with a hose through the window for hours!

The neighbours kept me up last night because they were having sex into the early hours of the morning.

I would have asked my wife to knock on their door, but she was out playing tennis with her friends.

My neighbours love my taste in music.

They even call the police to listen it.

Neighbor in my apartment was banging on my door at three in the morning.

Good thing I was up playing my drums.

My neighbor, an elderly prostitute, adopted a puppy

and asked me if I could help train it.

I told her "No sorry, you can't teach an old trick's new dog."

My neighbor was very urgent when asking me for herbs.

He said that he was running out of thyme.

I think my neighbor might be stalking me because she won't stop googling me.

I saw it through my telescope last night

My neighbor asked if he could use my lawnmower

I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden

I got my neighbor to lend me his trombone.

But you don't play the trombone.

I know. And now he doesn't, either.

My neighbors yelled and banged my door 3 in the morning, literally 3!

Luckly, I was still up practicing my bagpipe.

I can't believe my neighbour.

He knocked on my door and yelled for me AT 2am. 2am! Can you believe him? Lucky for him i was still awake playing my drums.

My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony

Daylight robbery

My neighbor had a penguin on his porch

I call the neighbor
Me: hey man, you have a penguin on your porch!

Neighbor: what should I do with it?

Me: I don't know. Maybe take him to the zoo.

Neighbor: that sounds like a good idea. I'll do that.

Next day I look out across the street. The freakin penguin is still there. I call the neighbor again.

Me: Dude! The penguin is still there. I thought you took him to the zoo.

Neighbor: I did. We had a great time. We're going to the ballpark today.

My neighborhood is getting dangerous...

I was walking home the other night from the store with my hoodie on and the woman in front of me sped up, so I sped up. Then she started running so I started running to. I felt bad I passed her and left her behind. I never did see what we were running from.

So my neighbour...

So my neighbour asks me if I've been stealing her clothes off of her washing line, I was so shocked I almost shat in her pants!

I saw my neighbour hitting his plants with a long stick. I asked him why he was doing it but he wouldnt give me a straight answer,

He just kept beating around the bush.

A man walks into his doctors

The man says "doctor help me I think I might be turning into a horse"
The doctor says "well have you had any symptoms"
The man says "neigh"

It is said that Roman Emperor Caligula made his horse a senator.

Nothing was ever passed, he always voted neigh.

My neighbors dog barks unbelievably loud...

... so I asked him to train his dog to bark at a more believable level.

My neighbors caught me watching them have sex through their bedroom window and told my parents.

My dad made me apologize and told the couple I was normally above that type of behavior. I took the advice and started watching through the skylight.

According to my neighbors journal

I have boundary issues

My neighbors kept saying my yard was an eye sore..

Logically, i took a fence to it.

My neighbours are very loud when they have sex.

And that's bad for my insomnia. Last night I was so fed up I had to scream their safety word.

Why couldn't Caligula get anything passed in the Roman Senate?

His horse kept casting too many neigh votes.

The neighbors complained about my 5 a.m. bagpipe playing...

...I guess they're not mourning people.

I met a horse who keeps talking about the apocalypse.

He told me the end is neigh.

Me, neighbor and cops are making a band

I play electric guitar, Cops are playing drums on the door and neighbor sings outside the window.

My neighbors listen to good music every night.

Whether they want to hear it or not.

My neighbors all refer to me as The Lawnmower Whisperer.

Talking with lawnmowers is quite simple, actually. All you have to do is say, ¿Hola, cómo estás, Juan?

Two neighbors were arguing...

N1: How do you know I threw this can in your yard?
N2: Because it's the same one I threw in your yard!

My neighbour came banging on my door at 3am last night.

I couldn't believe such outrageous behaviour.

Luckily, I was up practicing on my drum kit at the time so I wasn't too startled by him.

My new neighbors are from a foreign country and refused to eat the yogurt I offered them.

Pretty sure it's a cultural thing.

My neighbor yelled at me for messing with his driveway

But it was his dumb asphalt

The neighbors called the cops because our dogs were chasing kids on bikes.

Joke's on them, our dogs don't even own bikes.

Was at my neighbors house, and their 2 year old unvaccinated child would not stop crying.

Must have been a midlife crisis.

My neighbour started a business giving away chairs...

It was a Chairity

My neighbor started yelling at my parents randomly

It turns out that ten years and eight months ago my parents broke his bed and never repaid him. I overheard my dad screaming and he said,"Oh we should pay you? You're lucky we aren't taking you to court! That accident happened on YOUR property!" I didn't know what he ment, so I just shrugged and blew out my candles.

I think my neighbor is stalking me...

I saw her googling my name through my telescope.

My neighbor is so inconsiderate!

He came pounding on my front door at 4am.

Thankfully I was already awake practicing my drum solo, but very rude!

New neighbor.

Two women were talking about the new hunk in the neighborhood.
"But he acts so stupid," said one to the other.

"I think he must have his brains between his legs."

"Yeah," her friend sighed, "but I'd sure love to blow his mind."

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn't discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

My neighbor sometimes undresses as if...

.... someone is watching her.

My neighbors love my drum playing so much

that they threw a brick through my window so they could hear it better

My neighbor found out I decided to clone my tabby, just like he did recently...

He called me a copy-cat.

What are the funniest neigh jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Neigh? Well, here are the best Neigh puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Neigh pick up lines to share with friends.

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