Negotiate Jokes
39 negotiate jokes and hilarious negotiate puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about negotiate that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Negotiate Short Jokes
Short negotiate jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The negotiate humour may include short bargain jokes also.
- The year is 2077... Brexit negotiations continue.
Nevada has counted 98% of the votes.
Cyberpunk has been delayed again. - I negotiated salary for the first time ever, and I got what I wanted! I didn't really want to work there anyway.
- New Scottish First Minister just promised to renew negotiations for independence No matter what happens, I'm sure the English will walk out scot-free
- My girlfriend and I broke up today because she said she didn't like Indian food. I told her it was Naan negotiable
- What’s the difference between an accordionist and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
- Can someone tell me who "bidden" is. I see all of these things that are for bidden, and I want to negotiate with him.
- Divorce I consider myself pretty lucky in my divorce because we negotiated a 50-50 split of our assets. My wife got half, my lawyer got half.
- I don't understand how Authorities can tell us that we "Can't Negotiate with terrorists..." I just got a free can of Coke with my kebab...
- Helium Factory It looks like the negotiations at the helium factory were falling apart....everything was up in the air.
- My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream He passed out on the floor.
I don't negotiate with terrorists.
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Negotiate One Liners
Which negotiate one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with negotiate? I can suggest the ones about compromise and communicate.
- Why are spelunkers horrible negotiators? Because they love to cave.
- Teacher, I can't work with radicals! I don't negotiate with terrorists.
- Why did Hillary wait to give her concession speech? She needed time to negotiate her fee.
- What do you call an expert hostage negotiator? A master debater.
- What happened when Batman tried to negotiate a good deal on a hideout? He caved.
- I negotiated with a psychic the other night. It was a happy medium.
- A woman is being hired and is trying to negotiate her salary
- Where does Putin negotiate? The Crimea River
- Brexit is the worst trade negotiation, since Star Wars: The Phantom Menace.
- North Korea is sending a top diplomat to cancel the recent negotiations... Jo Xan Yu
- ISIS has a new site to discuss cheap hostage negotiations.. They call it "Infa-Deals"
- I'm Arab I asked my manager for a raise. He said, "We don't negotiate with t**...".
Silly Negotiate Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about negotiate you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean deal jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make negotiate pranks.
A joke I heard while working in China a few years ago
A Chinese state-owned container ship is highjacked by pirates. A Chinese Communist Party official is sent to negotiate.
The pirates' leader, waving his gun, shouted: the ransom is TEN MILLION dollars! Or everyone on the ship will die!
The official responded, calmly: I will give you twenty million, but you'll write me a receipt of forty million.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks up to a g**... the street
He asks her "would you have s**... with me for a million dollars?"
The girl replies "hmm.. for a millian dollars sure!"
The man asks "would you have s**... with me for free?"
The girl replies "for free? What kind of girl do you think I am?
The man replies "we've already found what kind of girl you are now we are just negotiating a price."
The male bees were unhappy with their lot ...
So they decided to stop fertilizing the Queen. They had the usual demands: larger honey rations, shorter hours, etc. The worker bees tried to negotiate, but it was too late, and the hive never recovered. Thus it became the first beehive destroyed in a drone strike.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
[negotiating candy with a 3 year old]
**Me:** we can split this 50/50
**3yo:** 60/50
**Me:** that's not how math works...
**3yo [narrows eyes]:** 80/50
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a lead guitarist and a t**...?
You can actually negotiate with a t**....
A man sees a woman in a bar...
A man sees a woman in a bar and asks, "Ma'am, would you sleep with me for a million dollars?"
The woman is startled at first, but replies, "My goodness! Well, I suppose... we would have to discuss terms, of course..."
The man turns away from her and says, "I've changed my mind. Would you sleep with me for five dollars?"
The woman then says, "Of course not! What kind of woman do you think I am?"
The man says, "Madam, we've already established that. Now we're just negotiating.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man and his ex-wife are negotiating child custody
The judge first asks the ex-wife to give him a reason why she should get the child.
**"Your honour, naturally, since I had to go through excruciating pain to bring this child into the world, I should get to keep the child."**
The judge is almost convinced but has to see the man's side first. The judge asks the man why he should receive custody of the child. The man thinks long and hard. Finally, he speaks up:
**"Your honour, if you went to a vending machine and put in a dollar and got a Coke, whose drink is it?"**
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you tell the difference between a t**... and a tenured professor?
You can negotiate with a t**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Q: What is the difference between a teenager and a t**...?
A: You can negotiate with a t**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The right price
A man approaches a woman in a bar:
-- Miss, if I offer you a million dollars, would you agree to have s**... with me?
-- Yes, of course.
-- But what if I give you only $50?
-- Are you crazy? What kind of woman do you think I am?
-- That's what we established earlier, now I'm just trying to negotiate the price.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a t**...?
You can negotiate with terrorists.
A French monk wrote a manifesto stating that every woman would agree to sell her body for money. The manifesto was read by the Queen of France and she invited the monk for a chat.
- So, you're stating that every women would agree to sell herself?
- Yes.
- Me too?
- Of course.
- And how much do you think I would cost?
- 500 francs.
- What?! Only 500 francs?!
- Here you go - you've already started to negotiate.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pakistani cabbie called me a racist
I didn't say a word and left the cab. Because you don't negotiate with terrorists
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Scottish Sargent knocks on a w**...-house door.
When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."
Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company h**...!"
So a man asked a woman " I'll pay you a million dollars to sleep with me" she said "yes" the man then asked "what can I get for a dollar?" She said "what kinda person do you think I am?"
The man replied "that's already been determined. I'm negotiating."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the difference between a woman and a t**...?
You can negotiate with a t**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference been a hardworking, caring, mother of 4, and a t**...?
You can negotiate with a t**...
