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Needless Jokes

103 needless jokes and hilarious needless puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about needless that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Needless Short Jokes

Short needless jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The needless humour may include short unnecessary jokes also.

  1. A man was sentenced to death, but wasn't told how they'll kill him. Needless to say, they left him hanging.
  2. Why do people keep adding an extra s after 'needle'? I don't see the point, it's needless.
  3. I have finally figured out how to clone a human being! Needless to say, I am beside myself.
  4. A man lost his luggage in an airport , so he sued the airport... Needless to say, he lost the case.
  5. Today I found out my roommate was pansexual... Needless to say I was pretty shocked when I woke up and found him in bed with all of our kitchenware.
  6. What Africa Really needs If only Africa had more mosquito nets
    Then every year we could save millions
    Of mosquitos from dying needless from aids
    \- Jimmy Carr
  7. You know, as a child I was always told to give one hundred precent at everything I do... Needless to say the blood drive did not go very well.
  8. I use a voltmeter to check if the circuit is live before I start fixing it. However, today, my meter didn't work. Needless to say, I was shocked.
  9. Astronauts preparing for STS-134 lobbied NASA to include fresh apples on board the final flight of the shuttle, but were ultimately unsuccessful. Needless to say, it was a fruitless Endeavour
  10. One of my proudest memories as a father was the day I got to cut the cord... Needless to say my son won't be bungee jumping again.

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Needless One Liners

Which needless one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with needless? I can suggest the ones about senseless and pointless.

  1. A prisoner was told how he'll be executed Needless to say, he was shocked.
  2. I opened my water and electric bills simultaneously... Needless to say, I was shocked.
  3. I got attacked by a goose today. Needless to say, I used some fowl language.
  4. Today I aggressively plugged in my phone Needless to say, it got turned on.
  5. Needless to say the search for the stolen lemon tree Remained Fruitless
  6. Adding an s to the word "needles"... Is needless.
  7. I slept with a married woman on V day Wife was thrilled, needless to say.
  8. I got a third degree burn the other day Needless to say it was getting on my nerves
  9. I had a rude awakening due to a loud noise. Needless to say, I was alarmed.
  10. I tried to call the front desk of my hotel. Needless to say, I couldn't get reception.
  11. Two jihadists walks into a gay bar.... Needless to say, they had a huge blast
  12. Me and my blind friend got into an argument... Needless to say we didn't see Eye to eye
  13. "Needless to say... ..."
  14. My Uncle saved a Crumbling Cartography business Needless to say he put them on the map.
  15. I just had my statistics exam Needless to say that I had some mean questions.

Needless joke, I just had my statistics exam

Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Needless Jokes with Friends.

What funny jokes about needless you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean useless jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make needless pranks.

My new podiatrist doesn't know his right from his left.

Needless to say, we started off on the wrong foot.

I asked my friend if he knew the difference between a chamber p**... and a pan


He said 'no'
Needless to say, I stopped eating at his place

I just got caught having s**... in a church.

Needless to say I should have probably waited untill her f**... was over.

Two Cops were waiting outside of a bar at closing time......

.....waiting to pop drunk drivers.
A man comes out of the bar, and he is obviously in rough shape. He is weaving all over the place, and almost falls when he trips on a curb. He fumbles with his car keys for almost two minutes, dropping them several times before he finally unlocks his car. He gets in, starts the car, and drives off.
Needless to say, the cops follow him: for several miles. The man's driving was flawless, perfect and in accordance with all traffic laws.
Finally, they decide to pull him over anyway. They turn on their lights. He pulls over instantly. They ask him to step out of the car; he calmly complies. They check his license; it is valid, and clean. They give him several field sobriety tests, each harder than the last. He passes all with flying colors.
The two cops look at each other, then the man, and ask "Sir, you aren't drunk, are you?"
"No, I'm not," says the man.
"Then why were you acting drunk when you left the bar?"
"I'm tonight's DD."
"Designated Driver?"
"No, I'm the Designated Decoy. All of my drunk friends drove off the other way."

Trip to the Doctor

Earlier today I was at the doctors office for my yearly physical but my regular Doctor was out. So in walks this beautiful blonde Doctor with the most amazing body... needless to say I was a little taken aback. She said she was fresh out of Medical School and had recently joined my regular Doctors practice. Halfway through my physical, she told me that I would need to stop m**..., when I asked "why?" she replied: "I'm not done giving you the physical".

Lunch theif

At work, I constantly found my lunch to be missing from the lunchroom fridge. I decided to get back at this thief, so I began making two lunches; one with a very strong laxative, and the other without. I hid my regular lunch towards the back of the fridge, wrote my name on both of these bags. Needless to say, weight gain and terrible diarrhea are bad ways to discover I have Alzheimer's.

I am both dyslexic and diabetic...

So needless to say I fell in love with the idea of "All You Can Eat Carb Legs".

yesterday, Judge Thompson issued the longest sentence in the Supreme Court's history,

needless to say, it was run-on.

What car brands mean

Ford-Flipped Over Rebuilt Dodge
Pontiac-Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car
Fiat- Fix It Again Tony
Chevrolet-Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Nissan-Needless Innovations, Silly, s**..., Automotive Nonsense
GM-Gluteus Maximus
GMC-God's Mechanical Curse
LTD-Long, Thin Dumpster
Oldsmobile-Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Every day.

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...

David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.
We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.
Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.

So I was golfing with some midgets today..

Needless to say, their short game was on point.

My dad's best improv

We were driving one day and my dad had to stop the car because a seagull was in the middle of the wet road picking away at a soggy box.
I asked him why he stopped the car instead of driving on.
To which he replied, "He's just trying to get his cardboardhydrates"
Needless to say, everyone in the car was stunned.

I once walked in on my brother having s**... with my girlfriend.

Needless to say I deflated her and threw her in the trash.

So an introvert throws a party for introverts...

Needless to say there was a shortage of corners in the house.

I think we should invest in mosquito nets for Africa

We can save millions of mosquitos from needlessly dying of aids

Watched a TV show about s**... Survivors last night

Needless to say it was a bit one sided

My workplace scheduled s**... Harassment Training.

Needless to say, I was greatly disappointed.

When I was in kindergarten...

I met a really beautiful girl. We really liked each other. We were constantly kissing and holding hands, even showed our private parts, until one day the teacher came and caught us, needless to say, I got fired.

The guy that invented the heimlich maneuver died today...

needless to say I'm a little choked up

My wife recently won the Annual Women's Golf Meet in our district

Needless to say, I have started calling her the "i**... Champion of the County "

My best friend got mad at me sniffing his sister's p**...

It didn't help that they were still on her. Or that all of his family was there too. Needless to say it made the rest of the f**... really awkward.

My friends and I were betting

My friends and I were betting, how much w**... would it take to get a cow s**....
Needless to say, the steaks were high
(Never heard this joke before, I hope it is original)

We go shopping, my sister said: "I like this bra, it's 50% off"

So I said: "I like your bra 100% off"
Needless to say, she does not like it.

My husband surprised me last night with a s**... time playlist

Needless to say, there was only one song.

A girl once told me I was the reason she was gaining weight

Needless to say we didn't work out

A man walks into a bar

Then a woman walks into the bar
Another man walks into the same bar
Needless to say, it was an instense limbo competition.

My girlfriend and I were arguing about who had touched the air conditioner last, because it wouldn't turn on.

Needless to say, things got pretty heated.

I just found out the contractor that did my electrical work wasn't even licensed.

Needless to say, I was shocked!

When I found out that girls f**..., I was in my 8th grade gym class.

The girl that I had a crush on let one rip while stretching, and I took the blame for it. I decided to ask her out after class that day as well. Needless to say, her parents were called and I lost my job.

I was playing scrabble and my dad played the word 'stneve'

Needless to say, it was an unexpected turn of events.

A magician says to his audience...

A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and says " Sorry, I've been saying the wrong magic word, 3, 2, 1, Allahu Akbar!" Needless to say his audience was blown away.

Iron was talking to his good friend Aluminum...

About his girlfriend Oxide. Aluminum told Iron that he should just dump her. "You don't need that kind of negativity in your life", he said. So Iron took his advice and sent Oxide packing, but Aluminum swooped in immediately after and started seeing Oxide himself.
Needless to say, things got a little heated and Iron had a total meltdown.

My brother took going to jail pretty hard. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at everyone who passed by, and smeared his own f**... all over the walls...

Needless to say we'll never play Monopoly again..

An oregano farmer recently lost a high profile court case and was ordered to pay 20 million dollars. However the spices industry had been on a steady decline so he didn't have that kind of money on hand.

Needless to say his wages were garnished

When Titanic came out, I went to the premiere wearing a iceberg costume

Needless to say, it was a smash hit.

I have the heart of a lion and the legs of a cheetah

Needless to say, the zoo doesn't want me back.

I set my alarm clock password to me and my wife's wedding anniversary

Needless to say, I haven't slept in weeks.

Because of lack of mosquito nets in Africa, millions of...

mosquitoes each year die needlessly due to AIDS

I hate it when people publicly express their opinions needlessly, just seeking attention when nobody cares.

But that's just my opinion.

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"
"Ugh, screw off!"
Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

I tweeted a joke about a b**..., and a few hours later a b**... happened. So I got a call from the FBI, and needless to say they weren't friendly.

I guess my joke was too soon.

I went to a store and there was a sample table on display with depleted batteries:

Needless to say, they were free of charge.

A m**... is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

I run a business where I give customers watches at no cost.

Needless to say, there's a lot of free time.

A pianist was trying to be unique by lying down on the floor and playing the piano simultaneously during a concert.

Needless to say, he was flat.

50 blondes and a brunette went on a hiking trip

They tripped and began to fall. They managed to hold onto a rope. The rope could only hold 50 people, so they decided one of them needed to let go. The brunette decides to let go. She gave a heartbreaking speech.... All 50 blondes began clapping, needless to say, the rope could now hold 49 others

An arm amputee bought a wooden cupboard from IKEA which was sent to his home for his self assembly.

Needless to say, he was stumped.

A comic with the measles did a set at an anti-vaxxers conference.

Needless to say he killed.

My father never hit me but when I was bad he would take off his belt...

And then he would take off his pants. Needless to say, I didn't like the way I was reared.

The Art of the Deal

A poor city man is out in the streets attempting to sell something on President's Day. He goes up to a foreigner and says:
"Hey there! Are you looking for a rare portrait of Washington on his birthday? I can hook you up. It's even got the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury on it, so you know it's authentic!"
"Wow, really? How much?"
"$5 a piece."
"I'll take 20!"
Needless to say, he came in with a Washington, and left with a Franklin.

My local neighbourhood committee leader lost his position recently

Needless to say he was dis-appointed

[sciency] two men walked walked into a bar, one ordered plain H2O and the other said 'H2O too please'

Needless to say, the Second one died

The future, the present and the past walk into a bar....

....needless to say, things got a little tense.

I found a stash of guns in my academy and reported it to the police

Needless to say i was kicked out of the gun academy

The lost and found attendant said I couldn't have my lost donkey, so we got into a fight.

Needless to say, I got my a**... handed to me.

Monday Science

I have finally figured out how to successfully clone a human…
Needless to say, I am beside myself.

I was boiling some noodles until the p**... suddenly began to float.

Needless to say, it was soup rising.

Me and my friend had a bet that I couldn't beat him in a race.

I'm a big guy, so needless to say, I won.
His mom wasn't too happy to see both of his legs broken though.

Some call people dying from not vaccinating a needless tragedy…

I call it a Needle-less tragedy

the day after halloween, a trick or treater knocked on my door.....

he was dressed in just red tights and a red spandex shirt, red sneakers, red hat.
i said to him, "sorry little buddy, halloween is over, i dont have anything for you today...what are you supposed to be anyway>?"
he said "im a period, sorry im late..scared ya didnt i?"

needless to say he got a handfull of candy from one of my kids bags. how could you not reward that creativity?

The court jester decided to play a prank

So he got a bucket of coal dust from the blacksmith and rigged it over a doorway.
Soon enough Sir Lancelot walks up in his shiniest silver armor. He'd spent the entire morning polishing it to a mirror finish. As soon as he walks through the doorway, a trip wire dumps the bucket of coal dust over him turning his polished armor a dingy black. Needless to say he was storming mad, covered in filthy black dust.
It was a dark and stormy knight.

Needless joke, The court jester decided to play a prank

jokes about needless