Needle Jokes
85 needle jokes and hilarious needle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about needle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Needle jokes have unique punchlines thanks to the power of wordplay. If you have a fear of needles or just appreciate a good pun, you'll love these jokes about needles, sewing, and injections. From nurses to astronauts to socket puns, these witty jabs will have you laughing out loud.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Needle Short Jokes
Short needle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The needle humour may include short knife jokes also.
- Just got my vaccine, but they stuck the needle in my leg. I spent the following day thinking my Pfizer killing me
- Girls on dating apps get bombarded with too many lame and boring messages For them, finding the good ones is like finding a needle in a hey-stack.
- Why do people keep adding an extra s after 'needles'? I don't see the point, it's needless.
- Protip: If you're looking for a needle in a haystack... ...you should probably be more concerned about confronting your horse concerning his drug problem
- Self service in the OR Near the end of my operation, I suddenly woke up and demanded the right to close my incision.
Reluctantly, the surgeon handed me the needle and said, "Suture self. - I'm trying to think of a sewing pun but I'm really struggling. I needle the help I can get.
- Whenever anybody says they are trying to find a needle in a haystack, I cant help but wonder... ...who was shooting up in the barn?
- I accidentally swallowed a turntable needle. Good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened good thing nothing major happened
- Did you hear about the nun who got addicted to knitting? She said that needles were habit forming.
- Two toothpicks are walking along when they see a needle One toothpick says to the other "Hey look, a robot!"
Share These Needle Jokes With Friends
Needle One Liners
Which needle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with needle? I can suggest the ones about pins and stalk.
- I tried playing my Demi Lovato record today But the needle kept getting stuck
- What's the difference between anti-vaxxers and vaccines? Needles actually have a point.
- If 'trypanophobia' is the fear of needles, what is a phobia of chainsaws? "common sense"
- What do you get when you take a needle to a balloon filled with yogurt? pop culture
- Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles!
- Christmas trees are bad at sewing They always drop their needles.
- What's the easiest way to annoy an anti-vaxxer? Needle them
- Why did the blind man fall off the Space Needle? Because he couldn't Seattle.
- Adding an s to the word "needles"... Is needless.
- What did Jesus feel before he was nailed to the cross? Pins and Needles
- Why did the balloon go near the needle? He wanted to be a pop star.
- Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had a low "elf" esteem!
- If needles are so sharp... Why don't they dress better?
- Whats it called when you're stabbed by a needle? A syringery
- When a pine needle falls to the ground.. does it become a supine needle?
Needle And Thread Jokes
Here is a list of funny needle and thread jokes and even better needle and thread puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Mom: I don't think you know what it means to thread a needle through cloth. Child: Yeah. Sew?
- Coffee Coffee: you haven't had enough until you can thread a sewing machine needle while it's running.
- My scout leader taught me a very valuable lesson... ... "If you lick your fingers and wet it a little, it will slide right in". Threading needles has never been this easy!
- *Ahem, ahem* So... ♫ A needle pulling thread... ♫
- A patriotic needle said: Don't thread on me.
- To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you s**... it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Man, threading a needle is tough!
- To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you s**... it.
To make it stiff, you lick it.
To get it in, you push it!
d**...! Threading a needle at any age is no joke. - To make it stand, I have to wet it. To make it wet, I have to s**... it. To make it stiff, I have lick it and to get it in, I have to push it... Brah, threading a needle isn't as easy as it looks!
Needle Injection Jokes
Here is a list of funny needle injection jokes and even better needle injection puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm starting a business that is half bowling alley and half safe injection site. It's going to be called "Pins & Needles".
- Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Quirky and Hilarious Needle Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about needle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean heel jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make needle pranks.
Did you hear about the farmer who was a h**... addict?
He had to quit in the end, because he couldn't find a needle in a haystack.
A man walks into a doctor's office with a very deep cut.
"I need to close up this wound, doc", says the man, "but I can't afford for you to do it, so can you just give me the needle and thread so I can do it myself?"
The doctor says; "sure, suture self"
h**... use among horses have grown
But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.
My First Joke (5-6 years old at the time)
Q: What do you get when you cross a needle with your eye?
A: A big mistake!
I thought this guy at the library was yawning.
Turns out he was just a mute sitting on a needle.
It must be tough for a woman going through her OKCupid messages finding a good one...
It's like finding a needle in a hey-stack.
"Needless to say...
..."
Faithfull
After having died, a couple souls flied to the heaven gate, St.Pierre opened the door and informed that for one time of unfaithfulness to each other in their life they will be prod by a needle.
After being prod 5 times, the wife turned to ST.Poerre and asked:
Where is my husband?
He is lying on the sewing-machine table St.Pierre replied.
My girlfriend tried to poke holes in one of my condoms with a needle.
Which I wouldn't have been too angry about, had I not been wearing it at the time.
A woman walks into a sports shop
She asks one of the employees for a pump needle. The employee finds one for her and says, "That will be 1 dollar". The lady responds, "That is odd, the last time I was here they only cost 50 cents". The employee responded, "Sorry ma'am, but that is inflation for ya"
What is the difference between Courtney Love and a porcupine?
A porcupines needle won't give you AIDS
How do you find a needle in a hay stack?
Lock a j**... in the barn
My girlfriend said she was going to get a massive tattoo of a snake on her back.
"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."
"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."
"No," I said. "I mean being single."
I've been so stressed that I started doing that Chinese needle therapy. You know the one...
h**....
I am trying to think of a sewing pun.
but do i really needle?
I brought one of those records that helps you learn spanish while you sleep,
during the night the needle skipped and the next day i could only stutter in spanish.
-Steven Wright (i think)
Why do farmers employ h**... addicts at their farm?
To find the needle in the Haystack.
Looking through my Tinder inbox for something interesting and not boring...
It's like trying to find a needle in a hey-stack.
A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...
Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...
Why Did The Doctor Stick A Needle In The Orange?
How do you deal with an intern who's depressed because he just pricked his finger with a h**... contaminated needle?
You'll give him the PEP talk.
At the Doctor's Office
Was at the doctor's office to get a check up this morning:
*doctor pulls out needle for shot*
Me: Oh boy, needles make me a little nervous. I'm not gonna look.
Doctor: That's okay. I won't either.
Then he gave me the shot before I had the chance to chuckle!
ill try anything once , except gay s**... and needle drugs
Those I'll try twice.
There's a magician who's really good with needle tricks
People *really* don't appreciate it when he makes it appear right before their eye.
I recently had a h**... scare from a needle stick at work. If I came up positive for h**..., I could no longer hope to find a ride or die chick...
I could only hope to find a ride *and* die chick.
Girl are you a BD due pen needle?
because you ultra fine
This killed at the pharmacy I work in.
What does a drug addict couple say to each other on a date?
You are the h**... to my needle
What did one needle say to the other?
We're needles we can't talk!
-Oh yeah you've got a point.
What do a haystack and an anti-vaxxer's kid have in common?
It's rare to find a needle in either of them.
What did the needle say to the balloon?
"I'm the King of Pop."
The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over...
Sew boring!
Needless to say the search for the stolen lemon tree
Remained Fruitless
The odds of getting a j**... to do any work on your farm are extremely low.
You'll have a better chance of finding a needle in a haystack.
My girlfriend said she was getting an enormous tattoo of a tarantula on her back.
"Do it," I said. "But it might hurt you."
"I know," she replied. "But it's only a needle."
"Actually," I added, "I meant being single."
James finds Timmy crying at a hospital...
"Timmy!" James exclaims, "What happened?"
"I had a blood test today, and the doctor stabbed a massive needle into my arm," Timmy responds.
James then proceeds to cry more hysterically than Timmy.
Timmy looks over and asks, "Why are you suddenly crying now?"
James wails, "Because I have a u**... test later!"
Extraction
A dentist ran out of anesthetic just before the last extraction for the day was scheduled. He gave the nurse a very large needle, instructing her to jab it hard into the patient's b**... when the signal was given, so it would take his attention away from the tooth extraction. It all happened in an instant. The nurse, patient, and pliers were in place. The signal was given, and the nurse bayoneted the patient with the needle just as the dentist yanked the tooth. Afterwards, the dentist asked, Hurt much? The patient hesitated, Didn't hardly feel it come out. And, man, those roots were really deep!
Elmo gone wrong…
A new hire at Hasbro was assigned to quality control on the Tickle Me Elmo line.
After an hour, the line foreman saw the line grind to a stop. Frustrated workers are yelling, stepping away from the machines, and angrily looking towards the end of the line.
There is the new hire, furiously working with needle and thread, empty boxes and plush Elmos falling around her. The foreman goes over to see what the problem is, and finds a stack of red felt pieces and a bucket of marbles.
No, no!! I told you to give each Elmo two *test tickles!!*
What does a frugal knitter have in common with a drug addict?
They don't mind using a secondhand needle
