needed Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious needed puns

My doctor told me I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked him why and he replied, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

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My Wife needed something to cheer her up...

That's why I surprised her with a bukkake party. Everyone came. You should've seen her face.

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The whale jizz on my doorstep

5 years ago on this very night, I found a jar of whale jizz on my doorstep. It was beaten and injured, it needed my help. I nursed it back to health and raised it like my own son.
Today it finally graduated from university and I was just so proud.
It looked at me and said
"Thank you, for everything."
I looked back at it with a single tear rolling down my cheek
"You're whale cum"

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So my girlfriend just told me that she needed velocity...

Well, her exact words were "time and distance" but I knew what she meant.

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How much space is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

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I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me...

He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"

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JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

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My wife said we needed to childproof our upright piano, so it wouldn't fall over on our toddler...

... I said that was a good idea, because I wouldn't want a flat minor.

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None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

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I was in the supermarket today and the cashier asked the foreign couple in front of me if they needed help packing their bags

Fuck me, we only voted out yesterday give them a chance

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How many vegans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to tell you they are vegans.
.......
Well apparently the correct answer is three. The extra one is needed to post whiny replies when they all get triggered by this joke.

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I went to the doctor the other day

He said that I needed to stop masturbating.

I asked "Why? I'm a normal 22 year old man, it shouldn't be an issue".

He said "Yeah but I'm trying to examine you".

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I told my boss 3 companies were after me and I needed a raise to stay at my present job.

He asked which 3 were interested. I said the gas, electric and cable.

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Did you hear about the unfashionable mechanic?

He needed to change attire.

(I'm probably too proud of myself for making this one; someone's almost definitely done it before.)

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Exchange rate

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.

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So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...

so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

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Why did the vampire pull out?

He needed permission to come inside.

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Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears.

Little Johnny and his mum went to visit the baby but he was warned if he mentioned its ears he would be in trouble.
Johnny looked into the cot and said 'what a lovely baby, good feet hands and skin. How is his eyesight?'
The Baby's mother replied that it was perfect.
Jonny replied 'That's good cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!'

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Go fly a kite

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.

This goes on for awhile before his wife yells from the front door, "you need more tail!"

The father turns to his son and says, "I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite."

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My wife said I needed to get more in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and completely ignored her all night for no fucking reason.

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How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?

Ten-ants

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Son: "Dad why was my sister named Madonna?"

Father: "Because your mother always thought the world needed another Madonna"
Son: "Thanks, dad."
Father: "No problem, Holocaust."

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My dad made this joke after finding out he needed surgery for potential rectal cancer.

Well at least no one can call me a complete asshole anymore!

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As I was riding the train in to work this morning, my stomach started churning and I desperately needed to use the toilet. Unfortunately, the next stop wasn't for 10 minutes, so I just sat there and held it...

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that poop in your hand?!"

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Went to the doctor

So I went to the doctor and he was needed to write me a prescription. He reached into his pocket to pull out a pen..Instead he pulls out a rectal thermometer..

The doctor then yells "Damn, some asshole's got my pen!"

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My Dad had a headache the other day so I asked if he needed any pills.

He said "The only pills that could have stopped this head ache should have been taken 16 years ago"

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39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can't determine how much is needed for your mother though

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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space

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How much room is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible

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My daughter was whining about her chores.

She asked if she needed to vacuum the whole apartment.
I said, "no, just do the floor."

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I was choking on some alphabet pasta when a lady asked if I needed help.

She took the words right out of my mouth.

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I'll never forget my dad's last words...

He needed a blood transfusion but we didn't know his blood type... he kept telling me to "be positive", but it's really hard without him...

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Needed a Password eight characters long::

So, I went with 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs'.

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A man in a crowded bar needed to defecate but couldn't find a bathroom, so he went upstairs and used a hole in the floor.

Returning, he found everyone had gone except the bartender, who was cowering behind the bar. When the man asked what had happened, the bartender replied, 'Where were you when the shit hit the fan?'

[Hugh Rawson, "Wicked Words," 1989]

Poop is always funny, and this brightened my day. Enjoy.

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What are the most funny Needed jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Needed? Well, here are the best Needed dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Needed pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes