Need For Speed Jokes

A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so, and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on very well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange a divorce for him, "Very quick!" The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked these questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "An acre and half, and a nice 3 bedroom house."
LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?"
POLE: "It is made of concrete, bricks & mortar."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have a carport and don’t need a grudge."
LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations live in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Yes, we have hi-fidelity stereo set & DVD player with 6.1 sound."
LAWYER: "No, I mean does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I’m always up before her."
LAWYER: "Why do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me!"
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy bottle at drug store and I read label. It say Polish Remover."

A road crew supervisor hired a nice-looking blonde woman to assist with painting the yellow line down the middle of the road.
He was skeptical about hiring her, but she appeared enthusiastic and told him that she really needed the job.
He explained to her that her work day would be to complete 2 miles of line on her road, and he set her up with her brushes and paint and got her started.
After the first day, he was pleased to find that she did an excellent job and was able to paint 4 miles of road in her 8 hour shift.
He told her that she did an excellent job and how pleased he was with her progress.
On the second day, she completed painting 2 miles of road.
Her supervisor was surprised that on day one she had completed twice as much work, but did not say anything, as 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway.
He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure she would pick up her speed again.
On day 3 he was shocked to learn that in her 8 hour shift, she only completed painting 1 mile of road.
He called her into his office and asked her what was the problem, “On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. Can I ask you, what is the problem?”
“Well, she replied, I keep getting farther and farther from the paint can.”

A man is stranded in the middle of a desert.

Thirsty and desperate, he stumbles upon a small camp owned by a priest. The priest sees him and decides to help the poor man by lending him his horse to ride to the nearest town.
"There's just one thing you need to know about this horse," says the priest. "He's very religious, so to get him to move say 'Thank God', and say 'Amen' to get him to stop."
The man mounts up and starts to ride towards town, saying "Thank God, Thank God," as the horse builds up speed. Suddenly, he comes up to a steep cliff. Panicking, he tries to stop the horse, "Stop! Whoa!.. oh! AMEN!". The horse stops inches from the edge of the cliff.
The man looks over the edge at the valley far below, and sighs, "oh, thank god.."

A man from the city is driving down a country road

as he is speeding, a rabbit jumps in front of his car and is killed instantly. The man stops, checks and discovers the rabbit is dead, and is about to get back in the car until a farmer shouts "you need to dispose of that, mister!" The man calmly goes into the trunk of his car and pulls out a can. He walks up to the rabbit, sprays it for a minute or two, and waits. To the farmer's surprise, the rabbit gets up and runs a few feet, turns, and waves. The rabbit runs a few more feet, turns and waves, and continues this until it's back in the woods. The man gets in his car and drives off. Confused, the farmer looks at the empty can and reads: "hair restoration with permanent wave"

A man gets pulled over...

A man gets pulled over and the police officer approaches the driver's window. "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The driver says, "No sir." The cop says "Well son, you were speeding. Now please hand me your license and registration." The driver pulls out his license and says, "Well my registration is in the glove box, but I have to warn you, there is a loaded p**... in there." The cop is taken aback and places a hand on his own weapon. "Why do you have a loaded gun?" "Well it's what I used to kill the guy in my trunk." The cop then freaks out a little and calls for backup. While waiting, he has the driver toss his keys to the road and keep his hands up. Backup arrives, and they get him into the back of the squad car. Shortly after, their chief pulls up.
"Alright sir, we are going to retrieve the gun from the glove box, and the body from the trunk. We need you to identify the body, and then we will take you to the station for holding."
The driver says, "Sir there's no dead body in my trunk, nor is there a gun in the glove box...I bet he told you I was speeding too!"

a woman and her boyfriend

A woman and her boyfriend have just left a wild party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car. The woman wants some fun and strips off her dress so she can flash at passers-by. Unfortunately, the man gets distracted and crashes the car. The n**... woman is thrown clear but her boyfriend is trapped in the wreckage. The only cover the woman can find is one of her boyfriend's shoes, so she holds it over her c**... and runs to a nearby garage. She sees a mechanic and shouts, 'Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!' The mechanic looks at the shoe and says, 'You're going to need a doctor, miss, he's too far in.'

So a man was driving home from work one day...

It's pretty late, so he decides to take the freeway to get there faster. He sees a 60mph speed limit sign and figures no one will ever know if he pushes it a little. 65...70...at 75 he decides he'll get home quick enough, not noticing the cop right behind him.
The cop, seeing him, puts on his lights. The man worriedly realizes "Oh no... I can't get another ticket, I just can't." He gets an idea and pulls over. The cop, shaking his head, walks up to the vehicle.
"Sir, did you know you were going 75 miles per hour in a 60 mile per hour zone?"
The man, thinking quickly, exclaims "My wife's in labor! I need to get her to the hospital stat!"
The cop looks in the vehicle and raises an eyebrow. "You're driving alone, sir."
The man looks around, panicked. "Oh my God! I forgot my wife!"

The president was being driven to an important meeting that he was running late for...

When he tells his chauffeur that he needs to go faster to get to the meeting on time. The chauffeur says that he's sorry, but can't go over the speed limit. The president can't miss this meeting so he decides to order the chauffeur into the back seat, while hopping behind the wheel to drive himself. Speeding at about ten miles over the limit, he gets pulled over pretty quickly. The young deputy walks over to the car to give the ticket, and without a word comes back to the squad car, his face ghost white. "I'm sorry sir," he tells his superior officer, who's sitting in the passengers seat, "But I can't give the ticket to him. He's much too important." "What?!" he bellows. "I'm the chief of police 'round here!" Who could be so important that we can't give a ticket to him?!" "I don't know sir," the deputy replied, "But the president is his chauffeur!"

Mikhail Gorbachev wakes up late after a long night of worrying about the fate of the USSR over a bottle of v**....

He's so late, in fact, that he tells his slow-driving limo driver to get out of the car so he can drive himself to the Kremlin. He's speeding down the highway from his dacha into downtown Moscow when he blazes past a cop car on the side of the road.
The first cop says to his partner, "Man, that guy's moving. Let's drive after him and give him a ticket!"
The partner says, "I don't know, man, with a limo like that, he's probably someone really important."
The other copy says, "I don't care, you heard what the party boss said in our monthly meeting. No more special treatment for officials, and plus, the USSR needs all the money we can get if we want to defeat the capitalists."
So they speed off after the limo and pull it over. The partner gets out of the car, walks up to the limo, and quickly turns back after just a few words with the driver without issuing a ticket. When he gets back to the cop car, his partner says, "What was that? I thought we said no special breaks! Who could be so important that you didn't give them a ticket?"
"I don't know," said the other cop, "but his driver was Gorbachev!"

An artist, an engineer, and a civil planner are arguing about God's occupation by observing the human body.

The artist says, "God is an artist. You only need to see the beautiful shapes of our muscles, the rich colors of our skin, the textures of our hair to see that."
The engineer says, "God is a engineer. You only need to see the wonders of the human body and its ability to grow and rebuild itself, the perfect mechanisms of its joints, its balance and speed and grace to see that."
The civil planner gives them the finger and says, "God is an accountant! That sumbitch cut the cost of materials in half by running a waste disposal plant through a pristine recreational area!"

A couple have just left a party...

A couple have just left a party and are speeding down a country lane in a sports car.
The woman wants some fun so strips off her dress to flash at passers-by. In doing so, the boyfriend gets distracted and crashes the car into a nearby ditch.
The n**... woman is thrown clear however her boyfriend is stuck in the wreckage. The only item of clothing nearby is her boyfriends shoe so she grabs it to cover her c**... and heads to a nearby garage.
She sees a mechanic and shouts "help! My boyfriends stuck." The mechanic takes one look at the shoe and says "Your going to need a doctor. He's too far in."

A married couple is driving...

down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph.
"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
70 mph.
"I want the house as well."
75 mph.
"I want the kids."
80 mph.
"And I want the bank account and all the credit cards."
85 mph.
"You're taking this incredibly calmly," she said. "Isn't there anything you want?"
"I've got all I need."
"What's that?"
"The airbag."

Jacque the Snail

Jacque is a snail. Snails are not known for their excessive speed. Jacque has always dreamed of going fast, faster than any snail ever has before. Jacque has been saving his money for years so he can buy a super fast sports car and impress all his little snail friends.
Finally, Jacque goes down to the Porsche dealer. He sees a beautiful car, the Boxster. He tells the dealer, "I like that one." The dealer laughs and says, "My dear snail, don't you want to go fast? You need the Porsche Boxster-S!" He seems very proud of the S. Jacque agrees, and finally he is sitting in the car of his dreams, a Boxster-S. He pays for it. Cash, because this snail don't play around. He's ready to take his brand new sports car for a speedy run down the coast.
As he is driving, going well over 100 mph, much faster than any snail in the history of snails has ever gone, he flies past two French people walking on the side of the road. One Frenchman says to the other, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?
Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.
Police 1: Really?
Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk
Police 1: is that everything?
Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun in my glove compartment
[Police 1 calls for backup and now the swat team approaches the man's car]
SWAT 1: I'm going to need you step outside the vehicle
[ the man steps out and the police search the car]
SWAT 1: he appears to have no gun, no stolen money, and no dead body.
Police 1: but he told me he committed those crimes...
Man: well I bet that liar told you I was speeding too!

A blonde gets pulled over...

By a blonde police officer.
"Sorry but you're speeding so I'll need license and registration"
The blonde in the car starts looking through her purse. "I can't find my license, what does it look like?"
"It's a small little rectangle with your face on it" the officer replies.
The blonde find a mirror and looks at it. "Found it! A little rectangle with my face!" And hands it to the officer.
Stunned the blonde officer stares at the mirror in her hand. "Why didn't you just tell me you're also an officer? Don't worry about the ticket, officers stick together."

A police officer sees a car speeding and pulls the man over.

When he gets to the window, he sees the driver has 5 penguins in his backseat. He asks the man why he has penguins in his car. The man replies, "These are my penguins, and they belong to me. The office says, "You need to take them back to the zoo immediately."
The next day, the officer sees the same man driving down the road. He pulls him over again and sees the penguins are in his backseat again and are all wearing sunglasses. The police officer says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!"
"Oh... I did", the driver says, "And today I'm taking them to the beach."