Neck Jokes
147 neck jokes and hilarious neck puns to laugh out loud. Read human body jokes about neck that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for something funny? Look no further! Have a laugh at our selection of jokes about the neck, covering everything from long necks to broken necks to neckties. Perfect for that laugh.
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Funniest Neck Short Jokes
Short neck jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The neck humour may include short throat jokes also.
- Terrible night. Dreamt something bit me on the neck. Got up to check, but the mirror wasn't working.
- I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck ...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer
- This guy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar.... I said, Is that a fret?
- How does an ant put on a tie? With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.
- I told my dad my neck hurt cause I slept wrong He said the only thing you do, you can't do right?
- Vampires love to bite throats, killing people & then returning them to life Because vampires are neck romancers
- There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five. Of course i left him hanging.
- How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
- Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar I asked him, "Is that a fret?"
- I always wear my Stethoscope around my neck So in an emergency, it teaches people a valuable lesson about assumption
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Neck One Liners
Which neck one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with neck? I can suggest the ones about chin and heads.
- Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color? M'genta
- What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys? A neck romancer.
- Why did the wizard wife have hickeys on her neck? Because he was a neck-romancer....
- What do you call a vampire out on a date? A neck romancer
- Yo mama so fat... I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.
- Someone said they'd attack me with the neck of their guitar... "Is that a fret?"
- Why was 6 afraid of 11? Because 11 snaps people's necks with her mind.
- Why are vampires so obsessed with necks? Because they were raised by a neck romancer.
- Why are giraffes' necks so long? Because their heads are so far from their bodies.
- How do you circumcise a red-neck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
- Would a charming vampire be a neck-romancer?
- It wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck. But I can look back now and laugh.
- What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice? Neck-romance-y.
- My vampire girlfriend doesn't give me any space She's always breathing down my neck.
- I like to kiss my girlfriends neck. I guess I'm a neck romancer.
No Neck Jokes
Here is a list of funny no neck jokes and even better no neck puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why do cows wear bells around their necks? Because their horns don't work
8 year old brother just told me this joke, thought it belonged here - It wasn't fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago. But now I can look back and laugh.
- I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck... So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.
- I tragically lost my body in an accident, from the neck down I had grand plans for my life, but I should probably quit while I'm a head
- The hangman asked me if I had any last words... I told him, "My neck is really killing me today!"
- My chiropractor and I got into this terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment. Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
- Many people who get something that's incomplete will worry. But the man who buys a guitar with no neck does not fret.
- If Jesus was killed in 1865, Christians would be walking around with nooses around their neck instead of crosses.
- I just ordered a realistic replica of my likeness from the neck up. Hopefully someday I can afford the full body option but... I'm getting a head of myself.
- Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to
Neck Tie Jokes
Here is a list of funny neck tie jokes and even better neck tie puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Some say women have it hard, try being a man We wake up everyday only to hold a blade to our face and tie a noose around our neck.
- And the winner for the best neck wear is... Oh look it's a tie
- I went to see a hanging race today It was a close match, the two contestants were tied neck and neck
- No one in the Star Trek universe knows how to tie a neck tie. They're all use to Klingons.
- Son, what on earth is that thing around your neck? It's a tie, dad.
- Yo momma is so ugly her momma had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dog to lick her.
- And The Best Neck Wear Award goes to.... wait its a tie.
- Yo momma's so ugly, we had to tie a steak around her neck so the dogs would play with her.
- And the award for the best neck wear goes to... Oh look, it's a tie
- If I were to tie a hickory branch around my neck and call it a cravat, I'd be a pretty odd duck. Wooden tie.
Long Neck Jokes
Here is a list of funny long neck jokes and even better long neck puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a beer the bartender asks, "You want a long neck?"
The giraffe says, "I have a choice?" - Do you know why giraffes necks are so long? Because their heads are so far from their body
- Do you know why giraffes necks are so long? Because if they were shorter they wouldn't reach their heads.
- Why is a giraffes neck so long? Because the head is so high up.
- Why does the giraffe have a long neck? Because it has smelly feet.
- I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet... He sent me a large goat with a really long neck...Turns out I phoned Dial-a-Llama
- Why is a giraffe's neck so long? To connect its head and body together.
- What do you call a blonde actor with a long neck? Charlize Heron
- A great big bird with a long neck strapped me into a chair and put a gun to my head. I guess you could say I was held ostrich.
- The two women at the kissing booth made a bet to see who could raise the most money All day long it was neck and neck
Giraffe Neck Jokes
Here is a list of funny giraffe neck jokes and even better giraffe neck puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I saw a giraffe with a short neck It was sad, or a deer
- What do you call a basketball team full of giraffes? The New York Necks
- Why do giraffes have long necks? Because their feet stink.
- Why are giraffes real but unicorns aren't? What's more believable a horse with a horn or a leopard moose camel with a 40 foot neck?
- Did you hear about the Giraffe and Ostrich race? It was neck and neck.
- Giraffe have long necks for a reason. Do you know why giraffe have long necks?
Because they have stinky feet. - Why are giraffes such good friends? They are always willing to stick their neck out for you.
- What would you call Benedict Cumberbatch if he was dating a giraffe? The Neck-Romancer
- I wanted to join a giraffe pantomime group. But I just couldn't bring myself to stick my neck out.
- A giraffe walks into a bar... The bartender says "long neck".
The giraffe surprised says "how did you know my order?"
Fat Neck Jokes
Here is a list of funny fat neck jokes and even better fat neck puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Yo mama so fat I thought of her in my head and I broke my neck.
- Yo momma so fat that the back of her neck looked like a pack of hot dogs.
- Your mums so fat The back of her neck looks like a slab of sausages.
- Yo Mama so fat, she's suffering from Dunlap Syndrome.. Her chin dun lapped over her neck
- What do you call a person that likes having s**... with fat dead people? A Neck Roll Philiac.
My son (14yrs) made up this joke.
Share Hilarious Neck Jokes and Enjoy Unforgettable Laughter
What funny jokes about neck you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean horn jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make neck pranks.
A man tries to get into a classy nightclub
but gets stopped by the bouncer. "You have to have a tie to get in here bro," says the bouncer. Distraught the man goes to his car and searches for a tie but can only find jumper cables. He wraps them around his neck and goes back to the club. "Can I get in now?" he asks. "Yea ok," says the bouncer, "But don't start anything!"
A Fireman See's a Little Girl
that has her own homemade firetruck with her dog and a red wagon.He says to the little girl, "That's a nice looking firetruck little missy!" She then says, "Thank You!" He keeps checking it out when he notices that the rope that's tied to the wagon is tied to the dogs t**....He tells the little girl, "Sweetie, I think your firetruck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied to the dogs neck." She replies, "Oh I know that Sir!But then it wouldn't have a siren!"
Grandpa's Rocking Chair
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
A guy escape from prision
A man escapes from prison, where he sat for the last 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
However, the only thing he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. Then he ties the young woman on the bed, comes on top of her and kisses her on her neck. Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband whispers to his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably long in jail and all those years not seen a woman. I saw how he kissed you on your neck. If he wants s**..., do not go against him, do not complain and make him happy. He is dangerous and if he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong honey, I love you!
"The young woman replied:" He kissed me on my neck. He whispered in my ear. He told me he was gay, that he really liked you and asked if there was some Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you ... "
A married couple is lying in bed.
The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".
A handsome black guy picks up a woman at the bar
They leave and go back to the woman's place for some drinks and soon things start to get hot and heavy. They start making out and as the black guy is kissing her neck she suddenly shouts out in pleasure, "SHOW ME THAT IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BLACK MEN!"
So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.
That's some solid advice!
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.
Stiff....
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"
My friend and I are in a beard growing contest
Right now it's neck and neck.
What does a neckbearded cannibal say?
Mmm, lady.
What did the neckbeard wizard use to find his way around Hogwarts?
M'rauders Map
I'm getting really sick of all the Holocaust jokes...
My great grandfather died at Auschwitz, so I find these jokes really offensive. Granted, he fell out of a guard tower and broke his neck, but I think that still counts.
A blonde is dying
A blonde lady walks into her Dr's office and says 'oh Doctor, I'm dying, I'm dying. The Dr says 'oh my, what's the problem?' She taps her forehead and says 'it hurts here'. She taps her neck and says 'it hurts here', she taps her chest and says 'it hurts here', she taps her stomach and says 'it hurts here'. 'I hurt everywhere Dr, I'm dying'.
The doctor exams her and says 'lady, you've got a broken finger!'.
An escaped prisoner enters a house...
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants s**..., don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"
Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions?
Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.
A man and wife are in bed, when...
...when the man slides his hand slowly across her shoulders, across her waist, under her neck, under her back, & suddenly stops...
Wife: " ( In a romantic voice) Why did u stop?"
Man: "(Whispering) I found the remote. You can go back to sleep"
The Old Man and his wife
A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.
Wondering why "c**..." has become the new insult of choice among basement dwellers and neck beards?
They finally found an insult that can never be used against them.
Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer.
Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in".
Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck.
Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything".
....I'll see myself out now.
A prisoner escaped..
And snuck inside a house nearby.
The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.
The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.
The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for s**.... I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"
Then the woman replied..
"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"
I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian h**....
It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.
Having your neck fused is a huge decision...
...but once you do it, you'll never look back.
Some bloke just told me he was gonna s**... me with the neck of his guitar....
I said, is that a fret?
Marriage joke
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
What does the neckbeard mosquito say to the female mosquito?
M'laria
Donald Trump gets executed
and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."
The Bet
Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely n**...."
They agree to her unusual request and she strips n**... from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.
For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"
The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought *you* were watching."
It's 1887 and a three-legged dog walks into a saloon, grabs the bartender by the scruff of his neck, looks him dead in the eyes and says...
"I'm looking for the man that shot my paw."
A man walks up to a bar...
... and the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looking for a tie; only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!".
A very drunk man walks in to a pub
He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too." The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "it appears I've misplaced my wallet." The bartender gets upset, grabs the drunk man by his neck, drags him out back and kicks the ever-lovin-s**... out of the drunk man. A few minutes later the drunk man walks in and says "Bartender, I'm buying another drink for everyone in here. But not you. You get mean when you drink."
My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."
...independent!"
Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...
The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.
Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.
Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.
Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?
"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.
Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.
He replies: "Fake noose."
Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:
"Fake noose, folks."
I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...
And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.
A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.
The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"
His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"
A priest was invited to attend a house party
.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.
A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.
When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"
The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."
A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.
Tried translating a joke from Latvian.
John, a rural farmer, decided to visit the zoo in the capital with his family. He has a lot of fun, and comes back ecstatic. His neighbor
Tolya asks him what he saw there.
"Well, I saw a giraffe."
"What's a giraffe?"
"Well, you know horses?"
"Yeah."
"It's like a horse, but really tall and with a long neck."
"Okay, what else?"
"Zebra."
"Zebra?"
"Well, you know horses?"
"Yeah."
"It's like a horse, but with stripes."
"Okay, what else then?"
"I saw a hippo. "
"What's that?"
"You know horses?"
"Yeah?"
"Like a horse, but big and fat."
"Hm. Okay. Anything else?"
"Yes... a crocodile."
"What's a crocodile?"
"You know horses?"
"Yeah?"
"Nothing like one."
And the best neckwear award goes to....
Oh wait!!! It's a tie.
A man realized he needed to pu...
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
A man walks into a Psychiatrists office wrapped completely from neck to toe in nothing but plastic wrap...
The Psychiatrist takes one look at him sighs and says, "Well, I can see your nuts."
What do a neckbeard and a cold beverage have in common?
They get sweaty sitting at room temperature.
No tie, no entry
Guy decides to go to a swanky new nightclub. He gets to the door and the bouncer stops him. "You have to have a tie to get in".
Guy goes back to his car to see if he has a tie laying around. No dice. So he takes his jumper cables and ties them around his neck.
Goes back to the door, bouncer looks him over, says "ok, you can go in, just don't start anything ".
A happily married couple
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?""My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
The husband gets a love bite on his neck from his secretary
He goes home quite worried, but suddenly gets a brainwave! Upon reaching his house, he allows his pet dog to jump on him and shouts:
"Honey, our dog bit my neck!"
The wife removes her bra and says:
"See what he did to me!"
A man is sitting at home…
when he hears a knock at his door. He opens the door and there's no one there- cranes his neck to look and see if anyone is hiding he looks left and right- nothing.
As he's about to close the door- he looks down and sees a snail. He shrugs his shoulders and flicks the snail across his yard.
2 years go by
The same man is at home and there's a knock at the door.
He opens the door and a snail says, Hey! Whatcha do that for?
I got my 6 year old so good and she actually understood it. I cracked myself up in the process
I was holding my daughter in the living room and she saw the jewelry making kit she got for Christmas. She asked me to make her a necklace.
So I immediately dropped her.
She held on to me and dangled with her arms around my neck.
"There, you're a necklace."
A prisoner who is on death row has been sentenced to death by hanging and is standing on the platform being prepped for execution…
Just before the execution takes place, the prison guard looks at the prisoner and asked them if they had any last words.
The prisoner then says Man, my neck is killing me today!
Why are Red Neck m**... cases so Hard to Solve?
Because everyone has the same DNA and there are no Dental Records.
Beware of certain doctors
I went to the doctor to have blood drawn and he bit my neck and now I am very sensitive to daylight and I have suddenly become very thirsty at night.
Whatever you do, avoid Dr. Acula!
A n**... man walked into a bar
He was carrying a pair of jumper cables draped around his neck. The man went up to the bartender and asked "Can I get a whiskey sour?"
"OK," said the bartender- "but don't start anything!"
I was really depressed after I injured my neck in a car accident last year.
Now I can look back and laugh.
