The Best 69 Neck Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Neck jokes. There are some neck hickeys jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these neck wrists puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Neck Jokes and Puns

It wasn't fun when I broke my neck in an accident a few months ago.

But now I can look back and laugh.

A Fireman See's a Little Girl

that has her own homemade firetruck with her dog and a red wagon.He says to the little girl, "That's a nice looking firetruck little missy!" She then says, "Thank You!" He keeps checking it out when he notices that the rope that's tied to the wagon is tied to the dogs testicles.He tells the little girl, "Sweetie, I think your firetruck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied to the dogs neck." She replies, "Oh I know that Sir!But then it wouldn't have a siren!"

Grandpa's Rocking Chair

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

Neck joke, Grandpa's Rocking Chair

A guy escape from prision

A man escapes from prison, where he sat for the last 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

However, the only thing he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. Then he ties the young woman on the bed, comes on top of her and kisses her on her neck. Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband whispers to his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably long in jail and all those years not seen a woman. I saw how he kissed you on your neck. If he wants sex, do not go against him, do not complain and make him happy. He is dangerous and if he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong honey, I love you!

"The young woman replied:" He kissed me on my neck. He whispered in my ear. He told me he was gay, that he really liked you and asked if there was some Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you ... "

A married couple is lying in bed.

The wife leans over and says, "I want you to say dirty things before we start". So the man starts to caress her neck and whispers to here. "Living room, Bathroom, Kitchen".


A handsome black guy picks up a woman at the bar

They leave and go back to the woman's place for some drinks and soon things start to get hot and heavy. They start making out and as the black guy is kissing her neck she suddenly shouts out in pleasure, "SHOW ME THAT IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BLACK MEN!"

So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.

That's some solid advice!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.

Neck joke, That's some solid advice!

Stiff....

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"

A giraffe walks into a bar and orders a beer

the bartender asks, "You want a long neck?"

The giraffe says, "I have a choice?"

Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

Some say women have it hard, try being a man

We wake up everyday only to hold a blade to our face and tie a noose around our neck.

You can explore neck necktie reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean neck giraffes dad jokes. There are also neck puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


A blonde is dying

A blonde lady walks into her Dr's office and says 'oh Doctor, I'm dying, I'm dying. The Dr says 'oh my, what's the problem?' She taps her forehead and says 'it hurts here'. She taps her neck and says 'it hurts here', she taps her chest and says 'it hurts here', she taps her stomach and says 'it hurts here'. 'I hurt everywhere Dr, I'm dying'.

The doctor exams her and says 'lady, you've got a broken finger!'.

An escaped prisoner enters a house...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

Why don't neckbeards hit on people with heart conditions?

Because people with heart conditions take beta-blockers.

I like to kiss my girlfriends neck.

I guess I'm a neck romancer.

A man and wife are in bed, when...

...when the man slides his hand slowly across her shoulders, across her waist, under her neck, under her back, & suddenly stops...

Wife: " ( In a romantic voice) Why did u stop?"

Man: "(Whispering) I found the remote. You can go back to sleep"

Neck joke, A man and wife are in bed, when...

Why are giraffes' necks so long?

Because their heads are so far from their bodies.

The Old Man and his wife

A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.

Buddy's been driving all night, sees a roadside bar and stops for a much-needed cold beer.

Bouncer says "sorry bud, gotta have a tie to get in".
Buddy goes to his car, roots thru the trunk and can't find a tie. Grabs his jumper cables and wraps them around his neck.
Bouncer says "cool man, come on in...just don't start anything".

....I'll see myself out now.


A prisoner escaped..

And snuck inside a house nearby.

The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.

The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.

The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for sex. I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"

Then the woman replied..

"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"

I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian hooker.

It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.

Having your neck fused is a huge decision...

...but once you do it, you'll never look back.

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

How does an ant put on a tie?

With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.

There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

Marriage joke

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

What does the neckbeard mosquito say to the female mosquito?

M'laria

What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

I've started wearing a stethoscope around my neck...

So, if there's a medical emergency I get to teach people a valuable lesson about making assumptions based on someone's appearance.

This guy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar....

I said, Is that a fret?

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

The Bet

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude."

They agree to her unusual request and she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.

For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"

The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought *you* were watching."

Yo mama so fat...

I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.

A man walks up to a bar...

... and the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looking for a tie; only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!".

A very drunk man walks in to a pub

He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too." The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "it appears I've misplaced my wallet." The bartender gets upset, grabs the drunk man by his neck, drags him out back and kicks the ever-lovin-shit out of the drunk man. A few minutes later the drunk man walks in and says "Bartender, I'm buying another drink for everyone in here. But not you. You get mean when you drink."

Someone said they'd attack me with the neck of their guitar...

"Is that a fret?"

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

I always wear my Stethoscope around my neck

So in an emergency, it teaches people a valuable lesson about assumption

My vampire girlfriend doesn't give me any space

She's always breathing down my neck.

Many people who get something that's incomplete will worry.

But the man who buys a guitar with no neck does not fret.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

I just ordered a realistic replica of my likeness from the neck up. Hopefully someday I can afford the full body option but...

I'm getting a head of myself.

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.

Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.

Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.

Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?

"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.

Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.

He replies: "Fake noose."

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

If Jesus was killed in 1865,

Christians would be walking around with nooses around their neck instead of crosses.

I was by my friends side when he died on a trail in the woods. With his last ounce of strength he reached out and put the necklace he wore everywhere in my hands. The look on his face was desperate and serious, he really wanted me to have it...

And that's why I wear this epipen around my neck.

A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.

The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"

His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"

A priest was invited to attend a house party

.Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.

A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.

When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"

The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

Why do some coffins have pillows? They aint gonna wake up with a sore neck

Thats like thinking about what college you want your unvaccinated kid to go to

It wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck.

But I can look back now and laugh.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?

The murderer said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'

Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?

Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the murderer. After all, good comedy is all about execution.

Tried translating a joke from Latvian.

John, a rural farmer, decided to visit the zoo in the capital with his family. He has a lot of fun, and comes back ecstatic. His neighbor
Tolya asks him what he saw there.

"Well, I saw a giraffe."

"What's a giraffe?"

"Well, you know horses?"

"Yeah."

"It's like a horse, but really tall and with a long neck."

"Okay, what else?"

"Zebra."

"Zebra?"

"Well, you know horses?"

"Yeah."

"It's like a horse, but with stripes."

"Okay, what else then?"

"I saw a hippo. "

"What's that?"

"You know horses?"

"Yeah?"

"Like a horse, but big and fat."

"Hm. Okay. Anything else?"

"Yes... a crocodile."

"What's a crocodile?"

"You know horses?"

"Yeah?"

"Nothing like one."

And the best neckwear award goes to....

Oh wait!!! It's a tie.

A man realized he needed to pu...

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."

A man walks into a Psychiatrists office wrapped completely from neck to toe in nothing but plastic wrap...

The Psychiatrist takes one look at him sighs and says, "Well, I can see your nuts."

Why are vampires so obsessed with necks?

Because they were raised by a neck romancer.

My chiropractor and I got into this terrible fight in the middle of my neck treatment.

Now I have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

What do a neckbeard and a cold beverage have in common?

They get sweaty sitting at room temperature.

No tie, no entry

Guy decides to go to a swanky new nightclub. He gets to the door and the bouncer stops him. "You have to have a tie to get in".
Guy goes back to his car to see if he has a tie laying around. No dice. So he takes his jumper cables and ties them around his neck.
Goes back to the door, bouncer looks him over, says "ok, you can go in, just don't start anything ".

What do you ask a lawyer buried alive up to his neck in sand?

"Run out of sand, did they?"

Dark joke ahead

So I was playing charades. It was my friend's turn and he put something around his neck. He never told us what it was, he really left us hanging

To think, Louis and Marie-Antoinette almost won the French Revolution.

They were neck and neck.

What happened when two vampires had a race?

They finished neck and neck

A happily married couple

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is your name?""My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."

What's the difference between someone who raises the dead and a vampire who loves what they bite?

One is a necromancer and the other is a neck romancer

The husband gets a love bite on his neck from his secretary

He goes home quite worried, but suddenly gets a brainwave! Upon reaching his house, he allows his pet dog to jump on him and shouts:

"Honey, our dog bit my neck!"

The wife removes her bra and says:

"See what he did to me!"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the neck chest jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working neck collar piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes