neck Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious neck puns

Some bloke just told me he was gonna smack me with the neck of his guitar....

I said, is that a fret?

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Whats a fedora clad, neck bearded gentlemen's favorite color?

M'genta

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Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."

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What do you call an evil wizard who gives good hickeys?

A neck romancer.

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Why did the wizards wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer....

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Yo mama so fat...

I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.

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I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

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This guy said he was going to hit me with the neck of a guitar....

I said, Is that a fret?

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How does an ant put on a tie?

With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.

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Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.

Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hung for his crimes.

Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.

Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the crowd?

"Aren't you worried about dying?" A voice asks.

Trump shrugs his shoulders as he smiles again and shakes his head for the last time.

He replies: "Fake noose."

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There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five.

Of course i left him hanging.

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If you haven't had a vagina around your neck...

You haven't lived.

Happy Mother's Day!

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My mom told me I was supposed to be retarded after suffocating during birth because the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck. Which is pretty fucked up...

But I mean, spend 9 months with my mom and you'd try hanging yourself too.

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The art of sex [NSFW]

An English man, French man and Irish man are discussing the art of sex.
The English man says "after I have sex with my wife i kiss her neck, she rises two feet off the bed with pleasure"
The Frenchman says "well, after I make love to my wife I kiss her from head to toe, whispering sweet nothings to her, and she rises 6 feet off the bed in pure ecstasy"
The Irish man says "well, after I bang my missus I get up, wipe my knob on the curtains and she hits the fucking roof!"

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I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian hooker.

It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.

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How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

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Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

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Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

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Someone said they'd attack me with the neck of their guitar...

"Is that a fret?"

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The Old Man and his wife

A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.

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Grandpa's Rocking Chair

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your goober is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

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I always wear my Stethoscope around my neck

So in an emergency, it teaches people a valuable lesson about assumption

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What do you call a man with an arrow through his neck?

An ambulance you heartless bastard.

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Stiff....

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma`s idea!"

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A man walks up to a bar...

... and the bouncer says "No tie, no admittance". The guy goes back to his car, looking for a tie; only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in. The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!".

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An escaped prisoner enters a house...

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

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The Bet

Two casino dealers are at the craps table when a cute blonde comes over and says: "I want to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. But, if you don't mind, I'd I feel much luckier if I were completely nude."

They agree to her unusual request and she strips naked from the neck down, and rolls the dice. Then she screams: "I won! I won!" She starts jumping up and down, hugs each of the dealers, and then picks up her money and her clothes and walks away.

For a minute the two dealers stare at each other. Then the first one says: "What did she roll, anyway?"

The second dealer says: "I don't know. I thought *you* were watching."

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After telling his wife he was working late at the office

...a man took his secretary to a hotel room and had wild sex with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife?
Walking in the door he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration he dropped to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he went into the living room and Exclaimed. "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!" His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, "That's nothing, look what he did to my tits!"

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A guy escape from prision

A man escapes from prison, where he sat for the last 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

However, the only thing he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. Then he ties the young woman on the bed, comes on top of her and kisses her on her neck. Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband whispers to his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes. He probably long in jail and all those years not seen a woman. I saw how he kissed you on your neck. If he wants sex, do not go against him, do not complain and make him happy. He is dangerous and if he gets angry, he'll kill us both! Be strong honey, I love you!

"The young woman replied:" He kissed me on my neck. He whispered in my ear. He told me he was gay, that he really liked you and asked if there was some Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you ... "

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A very drunk man walks in to a pub

He tells the bartender "bartender, I want a drink. In fact, give everyone in here a drink on me. You have a drink with us, too." The bartender serves everyone a drink of their choosing and himself then hands the drunk man the bill. The drunk man pats himself down looking for his wallet and says "it appears I've misplaced my wallet." The bartender gets upset, grabs the drunk man by his neck, drags him out back and kicks the ever-lovin-shit out of the drunk man. A few minutes later the drunk man walks in and says "Bartender, I'm buying another drink for everyone in here. But not you. You get mean when you drink."

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A husband discusses sexual protocol with his new wife

"Honey" he says, when I want sex, I'll snuggle up to you and kiss your neck. If you're in the mood, turn around, grab my penis and pull on it twice. If you're not in the mood, turn around and pull on it a hundred times.

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Why are giraffes' necks so long?

Because their heads are so far from their bodies.

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That's some solid advice!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.


He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen this guy's an escaped convict - look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jailand hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."



To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too.

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A prisoner escaped..

And snuck inside a house nearby.

The prisoner found a young couple in bed and held them hostage, the woman was tied in a chair and the man was tied on the bed post.

The prisoner walked up to the woman and kissed her in the neck afterwards he went to the bathroom.

The man said to the woman "that guy is an escapee from the prison nearby, he's been in prison for such a long time that he's so thirsty for sex. I can tell it from the way he kissed your neck. No matter what happens let him do whatever he wants or else he will kill us! Be strong honey, i love you!"

Then the woman replied..

"He didn't kiss me honey, he whispered to me that he thinks you're cute and asked me if we have some lubricant. I told him that we have some in the bathroom. Be strong honey, i love you!"

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A man and wife are in bed, when...

...when the man slides his hand slowly across her shoulders, across her waist, under her neck, under her back, & suddenly stops...

Wife: " ( In a romantic voice) Why did u stop?"

Man: "(Whispering) I found the remote. You can go back to sleep"

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What are the most funny Neck jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Neck? Well, here are the best Neck dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Neck pick up lines to share with friends.

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