Nearing Jokes
29 nearing jokes and hilarious nearing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nearing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Nearing Short Jokes
Short nearing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nearing humour may include short approaching jokes also.
- [Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland? She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
- Circumcisions are painful. When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year
- What's the difference between COVID-19 and your mom? COVID-19 doesn't spread *nearly* as fast.
- An Apple store near where I live got robbed $25k worth of merchandise was stolen. The police said that they will get both computers back.
- Reddit is possibly the most environmentally conscious site on the internet. Nearly 100% of the content is recycled at some point, often several times.
- After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant. She has the worst stutter ever.
- I never really liked Nearly Headless Nick in the harry potter franchise. He was a poorly executed character.
- My wife said she's breaking up with me, because of my obsession with rhyming, I nearly choked on my tea, what terrible timing!
- I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but... I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.
- I went to the doctor because I'm being constantly followed by nearly 20 crows. She says I have Corvid 19.
Share These Nearing Jokes With Friends
Nearing One Liners
Which nearing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nearing? I can suggest the ones about nearer and oncoming.
- The problem with Nearly-Headless Nick is that he is a poorly-executed character
- Got caught peeing in the pool The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
- I haven't spoken to my wife in nearly a year. I don't like to interrupt her.
- How do you get Americans to join a world war? Tell them it's nearly finished.
- Can't believe it's nearly 1996 and they haven't found a cure for Alzheimer's
- Somebody said today that I'm lazy. I nearly answered him.
- Yo mama so ugly She entered a Miss America pageant and nearly lost her citizenship.
- I've never been married. But I've had a few near Mrs.
- What idiot coined the term ex-fiancé Instead of near-Mrs
- The other day my friend told me I was delusional... ...I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
- I almost lost my hearing in an accident... It was a near-deaf experience.
- How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland? She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
- I was so happy I didn't miss my cake day this year It nearly brought me to tiers
- What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.
- Somebody called me 'pretentious' the other day.
I nearly choked on my latte.
Unearthly Funniest Nearing Jokes to Tickle Your Sides
What funny jokes about nearing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean coming faster than jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nearing pranks.
My one and only go-to joke, hope you like it.
A blond is riding a horse, it starts galloping faster and faster. She feels herself beginning to lose her grip and start to slid down the the saddle. She begins panicking because the horse isn't slowing and shes nearing the ground. At the very last minute the Walmart greeter walks over and unplugs it.
This used to be my Dad's favorite joke. "The End of the World"
The world is ending by nuclear warfare and there are three men riding on a plane to a fallout shelter where they would be safe and ride out the devastation. The three men are: the president, the pope, and a young hippie.
Suddenly, as they are nearing their destination, the plane malfunctions and is going down quickly. The three passengers look at each other, then realize: there are only two parachutes.
The President hastily grabs a bag and before jumping out of the hatch says," I am God's gift to you all! I rule the United States! I am the leader this world will need! I am the SMARTEST man on this planet!"
Realizing they don't have much time the pope quickly says to the hippie, "My son, you have many more years to live than I, it would only be right for you to seize this opportunity and fulfill-"
The hippie begins laughing, startling the pope into silence, and says, "Don't worry Father, the smartest man on the planet just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on!"
Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.
"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"
Even though we're nearing the 100th year anniversary of Buffalo Bill's death...
...can we still call it bison-tennial?
Old soviet man is lying on his deathbed...
...as his end is nearing, he surprises everyone by inviting communist party secretary instead of priest, saying he wants to join the communist party before he dies.
"Why did you invite me here? Your whole life you didn't want to join, what changed your mind now?" wonders the communist official.
Old man replies: "If someone has to die, it must be a communist!"
Multiple choice test
A teacher has administered a multiple choice test to his students. During the exam he notices one student is flipping a quarter and then filling in his answer key. This continues throughout the exam. Nearing the end of the exam, the techer notices the student picking up pace. He is flipping his quarter faster and faster and frantically erasing and scribbling on his test. The teacher approaches the student and asks "what are you doing?"
"Just double checking my answers"
A man can only have so much s**....
A man can only have so much s**....
Do you know how to tell when he's nearing his limit?
He says "I do" and puts a ring on the finger of a woman in a fancy white dress.
One night at dinner, Watson watches Sherlock unhinge his jaw and eat a line of sausages nearing six feet. Amazed, Watson asked, "How did you do that??"
Sherlock replied, "Alimentary, my dear Watson".
Maradonna was asked by a reporter if his '86 national team could beat Iceland.
He replied "Yes, I think 1-0"
"Only 1-0?" asked the reporter.
.
Maradonna answers " yeah we are nearing our sixties"
Ok a man was at the zoo
And was nearing the lion enclosure. When he gets there he watches the lions and sees a litlle girl fall into the enclosure. The heroic man jumps in,punches the lion in its nose, and saves the girl. The parents thank him and the crowd cheers him. The next morning he turns on the news. The news says
"Heroic man saves girl from lion cage"
He grins at himself and goes on with his day. He notices that a few people are giving him funny looks all holding the same newspaper. The man goes and gets one of these newspapers and the headline reads
"Man beats up african immigrant and steals his lunch."
A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida
... and were nearing a town spelled K- I -S- S- I -M -M -E -E. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it.-- KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into somewhere to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress, "My wife and I can't figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are, and pronounce it very slowly so that I can understand?"
The waitress looked at him and said..."Buuuurrrrggggeeeerrrr Kiiinnngggg."
What did the programmer from the biker gang say?
"It ain't gonna be soft where my engine nearing!"
A man and a woman get married in the old west.
They're riding their horses out into the sunset, but the woman's horse stops suddenly and throws the woman off the back. The man jumps down and looks the horse in the eye, and says "That's one."
A little further on, they hear a loud thunderclap, and the woman's horse rears up and tosses her off its back again. The man jumps down and looks the horse in the eye, and says "That's two."
Finally, as they're nearing their house, the horse yet again drops the woman off of it's back. The man looks the horse in the eye and says "That's three." He pulls his gun out and shoots the horse dead.
The woman turns to the man, shocked, and screams "You didn't have to do that! It was a strong horse and we could have sold it for good money!"
Then the man turned around, looked the woman in the eyes, and said "That's one."
An extremely close landing on an extremely short runway..
A plane is nearing its destination. The pilot turns to his co-pilot and remarks: "That looks like a really short runway." The co-pilot looks at it and says: "Yes, captain, its really short." 100 meters from the runway, the pilot communicates to the passengers and crew: "Fasten your seatbelts, this is going to be an extremely close landing!" The plane touches down on the ground, engages maximum breaks, and with schreaching tires comes to a stop two meters from the end of the runway. "Phew, " says the pilot relieved. "That was the shortest landing I've ever made." The co-pilot looks out of the windows and answers: "And certainly on the widest runway I've every seen.."
