Nearest Jokes
92 nearest jokes and hilarious nearest puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nearest that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Nearest Short Jokes
Short nearest jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nearest humour may include short closest jokes also.
- What flavor gum does the President prefer? Governmint
Ill walk myself to the nearest border - I was on a first date. "How many women have you slept with?" she asked.
I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest ten?"
"Oh, I say. Go on then." she laughed.
I said, "0." - My favourite position in bed...... The side nearest the socket so i can play with my phone while it's charging
- I was on a date. "How many ladies have you slept with?" she said.
I said, "Do you want me to round it to the nearest 10?"
She raised her eyebrows and said, "OK..."
I said, "Zero." - They Just Released Stephen Hawking's Last Words "1 percent battery life remaining. Please find nearest charger and plug in device"
- Me and my mate were playing darts he said "Nearest to bull starts?", I said "Baa," he said "Moo," I said "You're first then."
- I just created an app you can use to find the nearest restroom When you use it, it generates your I P address
- In case of a zombie outbreak, quickly hide inside the nearest Walmart Nobody has teeth there so you are safe from bites
- A woman stopped me in my tracks. She said, "You wouldn't know where the nearest hospital is?"
"That is correct." I replied. - One day, Chuck Norris was hit by a car He then rushed the car to the nearest garage and paid for it's repair.
Share These Nearest Jokes With Friends
Nearest One Liners
Which nearest one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nearest? I can suggest the ones about lowest and shortest.
- What does a cloud with an itchy rash do? Find the nearest skyscraper.
- If You Have Never Seen A Galaxy Explode Just head to the nearest Samsung store.
- When river fish need cash they go to the nearest bank
- What did the Indian guy say to his mother before he left for his nearest city? "Mumbai"
- Where do Egyptian's have their morning coffee? At the nearest "On The Ra"
- What's a piecost? $3.14 rounded to the nearest cent
- Quick where's the nearest restroom?
- Yoko Ono Yoko Ono's full name is Yoko Or Nearest Offer.
- WHATS THE NEAREST PLANET TO YOU......
- I bit into a raw onion. It tasted bad, so I gave it to my nearest starving African child.
- What is black and white and is nearest to South America O-Rio
- When I listen to Nirvana I want to blow my head off with the nearest shotgun.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Nearest Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about nearest you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean latest jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nearest pranks.
I got fired from the s**... bank yesterday
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
Lady barges into radio shack
She grabs at the nearest employee and exclaims:
"I need a pack of double A batteries RIGHT NOW!"
The employee, flustered, replies: "All right, stay calm and just ... come this way", as he gestures her to follow him with a wave of his fingers.
She yells "If I could do that, I wouldn't need the batteries!"
A hobo got robbed
A hobo had been robbed and beaten into unconciousnes.
When he woke up he checked about his person for damages and missing items, and found that all injuries were superficial but he had lost all his belongings.
He stormed into the nearest police station.
"I want to report a robbery! all my 53 belongings have been stolen from me!"
"How can you be so sure about the number of the stolen items?" the officer asks sceptically with a raised eyebrow.
"It was a deck of cards and a bottle opener!"
Mr Snail was always being teased by the insects
for being so slow. Eventually, he just couldn't take it anymore and went to the nearest car dealership.
"I want the fastest sports car you have," he told the salesman, "and make sure to paint a huge 'S' on it, so everyone will know its Mr Snail's car!"
So now, every time Mr Snail drives past the insects, speeding like a maniac, all the insects look and say: "Wow, look at that 'S' car go!"
Penguin is driving down the road...
when his car breaks down. He gets it towed to the nearest mechanic who tells him it will be a while before it's fixed, so he goes to the diner next door to get some lunch while he waits.
He comes back an hour or so later and asks the mechanic what happened with his car...mechanic tells him that he blew a seal. He looks at the mechanic, wipes his lip, and says 'nope, that's just tartar sauce.'
Water p**...
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water p**.... He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, ''I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?''
Mom smiled and replied, ''Yes dear - I remember very well...''
The big bed...
Three salesmen are travelling together when their car breaks down. They walk to the nearest town and go into the bar. Over a couple of rounds of drinks, they explain their situation to the bartender who tells them,
"I have a bed in the back room. It's just one bed, but it should be big enough for all three of you to stay for tonight."
The three salesmen agree and continue drinking. At closing time, the bartender kicks all the other customers out and shows the salesmen to the room where the bed is. The three of them immediately pass out for the night.
The next morning, the man who slept on the left side of the bed says,
"Man, I had this incredible dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman!"
The man who slept on the right side of the bed says,
"Hey, I had a dream that I was getting a h**... from a beautiful woman as well!"
The man who slept in the middle says,
"I had a dream that I was skiing!"
Two old ladies are outside smoking a cigarette
It starts raining and without hesitating one of the ladies pulls a c**... out of her purse and covers the cig to keep it from getting wet.
The other lady thinks this is genius and walks to the nearest pharmacy.
She grabs a pack of extra large condoms and proceeds to check out.
The cashier says," ma'am, are you sure you need these in extra large?"
The old lady replies, "well I'm not sure, do you think they'll fit a Camel?"
A man goes into a bank...
...and proceeds to walk up to the nearest bank teller and pulls out a gun:
"Make one wrong move and you're geography!"
"Don't you mean history?" asks the teller
"Don't change the subject!"
A penguin has some car trouble...
A vacationing penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
A misunderstanding
A girl is driving down the highway listening to the radio when a song comes on that she really, really likes. The DJ says the name of that song was "Hot lips and tender kisses." The girl says to herself I've got to buy that record. She pulls over and looks up the phone number for the nearest record store. She dials the number but makes a mistake while dialing and instead of calling a record store she has called an auto mechanic. The phone rings and the mechanic picks up the phone. The girl says, excitedly, "Do you have hot lips and tender kisses?" The mechanic is a little confused, but responds, "No, but I've got hot pants and seven inches." The girl responds, "Is that a record?" The mechanic says, "No, but it's better than average."
A blonde woman waves a cab
She asks the cab driver
"How much do you charge to drive me to the nearest airport?"
The cab driver answers
"Around 20 bucks"
The woman then says "I'm carrying luggage, do these get charged?"
Driver: "No, i don't charge for luggage"
The woman smiles, leaves her luggage in the cab and then says
"see you at the airport then, ill take the bus"
A man gets on an airplane
Phil gets on an airplane and starts looking for a seat. As he's walking toward the nearest window seat, he notices his friend Jack at the back of the plane. Phil waves his hand and says, Hi, Jack!
Phil was arrested and detained for seven hours.
Sometimes I come up with a punchline so terrible...
...so contrived and unfunny, that a mob forms around me brandishing flaming torches and pitchforks.
It happens frequently enough that I've devised a getaway technique for just this type of occasion...I run to the top of the nearest hill, curl up in a ball and throw myself down the other side at a high enough speed to make good my escape. It's unorthodox, I know, but it's just how I roll...
Gosa, the village idiot
Gosa, the village idiot, is walking along the banks of the Nile when Abdullah sees him and calls across from the other side
'Gosa, the Nile is wide and mighty, and the nearest crossing is miles away, how did you get to the other side?'
Gosa, with a smile on his face, replies
'But my dear friend Abdullah, you ARE on the other side!'
A thirsty sailor runs from his boat to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the sailor drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The sailor replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too, if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh? What do you have?"
"Fifty cents!"
I got jumped by three black men downtown the other day...
They were quite polite the whole time they were jumping me. Even gave me directions to the nearest auto parts store so I could get a new car battery.
Graveyard shortcut
A man's car breaks down in the middle of the night. He knows the area well and realizes that the quickest way to the nearest service station is through an old graveyard.
He's walking along the headstones when in the distance he hears a faint tapping noise. As he gets deeper into the graveyard, the eerie tapping gets louder and louder. He very anxiously turns a corner and sees the source of the tapping is an old man with a hammer and chisel, hunched over a headstone.
Relief washes over him and he says, "I was beginning to freak out because of that noise. I thought this place might have been haunted. What on earth are you doing here so late at night anyway?"
The old man merely continues chiseling and says "They spelled my name wrong."
I'm not saying my wife's a bit plump
I'm not saying my wife's a bit plump, but the nearest she gets to counting calories is spotting I've nicked one of her chocolates.
A blonde, a redhead and a brunette stranded on an island...
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 25 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
Excuse me, miss. I'm sure you hear this everyday but...
... do you know where the nearest McDonald's is?
A farmer once bought some ammonium nitrate fertilizer, but it smelled weird,
so he put a sample in a pan and brought it to the nearest USDA branch. A security guard saw the pan full of fertilizer and yelled "bomb", but it was just panned ammonium
How do you get in the 'Public Urination Club'?
Walk up to the nearest police officer and you're in.
United States
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
If you're on Wall-street, where is your nearest welfare office located?
Inside of the U.S. tax code.
Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier.
"GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are travelling in their car when they break down in the desert. They each take one thing from the car to walk back to the nearest town. "I'm taking the sandwich so if we get hungry we can eat it." says the redhead. "Okay, I'll bring some water so if we get thirsty we can drink it." says the brunette. "Awesome!" Exclaims the blonde. "I'll take the car door so if we get hot we can roll down the window!"
What's a pirates least favorite letter?
Dear sir,
Your internet service has been disconnected due to terms of service violations and excessive downloading. Please return modem and accessories to your nearest Comcast location.
Sincerely,
Comcast
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United State
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.'
The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
A weasel walks into a bar...
...and asks for a bottle of water.
The clerk at the counter says, "We don't have water. Would you like anything else?"
The weasel looks around, and spots the nearest case of drinks.
"I'll have a pop," goes the weasel.
Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck
Three women were stranded on an island after a shipwreck, a redhead, brunette and a blonde. The nearest civilization was a 40 mile swim away. The redhead swam 10 miles and drowned. The brunette swam 15 miles and drowned. The blonde swam 20 miles, became exhausted and decided she wouldn't be able to make the rest of the swim; so she swam back.
As i walk in the local shopping mall, a woman comes walking towards me
She asks me: "sir, do you have a moment for animal a**...?" As the good man I am, I say: "of course, madam." So i walked to the nearest dog and kicked it like a football. Apparently that was not what she meant...
I love whale-whatching
but it has gotten a little more difficult now that the nearest WalMart closed down
Robert Mugabe admits to playing World of Warcraft
You are not in this Presidential group.
Please leave office or you will be teleported to the nearest graveyard in 59..58...57
A British ship is sinking in the north sea and calls the nearest coast guard station.
The German coast guard station gets the message, RMS sea lion taking on water and we are sinking. A minute passes and they get a response....Vell, vat are you sinking about?
In spite of the recent weather in the UK recently.
And also because the nearest shop was a mile away, I went to 84 year old Margaret's house next door to see if she needed anything from the shop.
She said she needed a few things so I gave her my list of things that I needed.
I mean there's no point in both of us going out in that n**... weather!
h**... died.
When he woke up, he looked around. Only to see fire and t**.... In an attempt to question surroundings and to regain his lost memory, he asked the nearest figure.
"Where am I and who am I?"
The figure replied,"h**... h**...".
Blonde joke
A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are stuck on a desert island.
They know the nearest coast is 50 miles away.
The redhead swims 30 miles but gets tired and drowns.
The brunette swims 45 miles but gets tired and drowns.
The blonde swims 40 miles, gets tired and swims back to the island.
Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]
Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.
He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.
Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeeper if they can sell him XL shirts. That question made the shopkeeper curious, thus he asked the designer:
\-Do you really want to purchase that many shirts?
Me and my friend were about to play a game of darts. "Nearest to the bull goes first" I said
He went "bah" I went "moo"
he said "alright you're closest."
A man and his wife are walking in a mall, and the man realizes that his wife has disappeared...
The man walks to a woman outside the nearest store and says, I need to talk to you, I can't find my wife . The woman responds, I'll help you, but how is talking to me going to solve anything? . The man replies, my wife usually comes back when she sees me talking to strange women .
My wife says sorry
Whenever my wife does something wrong or messes up she starts tapping her fingers on the nearest surface in a strange rhythm. Eventually, after she had broken a glass, apologised and I told her it was ok she started tapping away again.
It was getting on my nerves so I decided to ask her. She said
It's my remorse code
All you gotta do is go to the nearest pub and find any man called 'Bob', then convince him to marry your mother's sister...
...and Bob's your uncle.
It's only a 10 minute walk to the nearest bar, but it takes me an hour to walk home...
The difference is staggering!
A blonde, a red head, and a brunette are trapped on a deserted island 50 miles away from the nearest coast.
The red head decides to swim. She made it 10 miles, then drowned. The brunette also decides to swim. She made it 20 miles then drowned. Finally, the blonde decides to swim. She made it 25 miles, then she got tired and swam back to the island
A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down.
AAA (Antarctic Automobile Assn) tows it to the garage in the nearest town, where the mechanic says he has time to look at it, give him half an hour.
The penguin wanders down the street to an ice cream shop and decides to beat the heat with a cone of his favorite flavor, vanilla. Of course, being a penguin, with flippers instead of hands, as well as a beak, he makes a huge mess and gets ice cream all over his face. h**... goes back to the garage, where the mechanic tells him "looks like you blew a seal."
"No," says the penguin. "That's just ice cream."
There was a blonde...
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.
The other is the Sith.
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from hisgrandmother,
he discovered a water p**.... He squealed with delight andheaded for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?"
Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami.
A German guy, wanting to escape the cold and dark German winter, books a holiday to Miami. His first day there, he heads to the nearest beach bar and proceeds to pound down mai tais. After 5 or 6 drinks, he feels a strong urge to pee, and in his drunken state, he swivels his stool around and starts peeing right onto the sand. Just then, a young woman happens to walk by and shrieks "g**...!"
His cheeks blush as he yells back "Danke!"
My uncle Hans (a hotdog lover) has been very ill recently. Last night, craving a hotdog, he went on a drive to the nearest hotdog stand. Sadly, as he was driving, he became even more unwell...
...he took a turn for the wurst.
Two poor men dream of going to America
They hear of American food and how great it is and, in particular, the hotdog.
So they work hard and save their money for many years before finally traveling to America. Upon arriving, they immediately run off the boat and to the nearest hotdog stand. Eagerly, they throw their money at the stand and both get their own hotdogs.
The two men stand there for a second, both looking a little disappointed. Finally, one looks up at the other, well, what part of the dog did you get?
After attempting to climb Everest and failing, John has severe frostbite, hypothermia and goes into a coma.
After a lengthy and dangerous mountaintop rescue he's rushed to the nearest hospital, where after several days he finally wakes and is greeted by the Nepalese doctor.
Sir, I have bad news and good news. John, ever the optimist asks for the good news first.
Okay, the good news is the patient in the next bed has offered you a very generous amount for your slippers...
Jimmy was racing his friends to the nearest tree
"Last one there's a p**...!" one of the older kids said.
This motivated Jimmy. He was set on winning.
He would not be deterred.
Bob's anniversary
Bob was out fishing when he realized that it was his wedding anniversary. Hoping to save face, he headed to shore. He left the marina and started driving to the nearest Hallmark store to buy his wife a card and a gift. His truck's engine started sputtering and died on the road.
Bob was fairly mechanical, so he figured he could fix the problem. He couldn't. Just to top it off, his cell phone was dead. and he couldn't call for help.
He slowly began to realize that he was stuck between a dock and a card place.
There was a blonde , a redhead and a brunette
They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
**The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.**
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
**The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.**
A man's dog dies
A man's dog dies, he had been his only companion for years.
So he goes to the nearest Catholic Church and asks for a f**... mass.
The priest said my son I can't give a mass for a dog. The pope would excommunicate me!
The man replies he's been my companion for 18 years. I saw there was a protestant Church down the street and I want to give a $5000 Dollar donation.
The priest replied, son you didn't tell me that the dog was Catholic.
A Guy is on a second date with his Girlfriend, in a Yugo he bought for $500
He blows a tire and ends up taking it to the nearest tire shop, the technician asks him what the vehicle is, and he says a Yugo, technician says "sorry we dont work on bikes", he says no its a Car, technician says "oh, yeah we can order a tire for you" after doing some searching he tells the guy itll be about $520. Girlfriend laughs and says "YOU GOT A FLAT TIRE AND TOTALLED YOUR CAR"
I created a new unit of measure for the distance between you and the nearest large, predatory cat. It's called a weem.
Used in a sentence, "That lion is a weem away"
A weem away
A weem away
What did the female reindeers do when their boyfriends were off of Santa delivering presents on Christmas Eve?
They went to the nearest pub and blew a few bucks.
Time Traveler
A time traveler shows up in Manhattan and asks the nearest person what year it is. The person responds, 2023 of course.
The time traveler looks up at the sky and mumbles, Ah yes, the first year of the Balloon Wars.
My doctor sent me for a prostate exam to the nearest hospital. I went, reluctantly, got called in the office and patiently suffered through the very personal examination.
When the examining surgeon left, a nurse came in and asked a question that sent shivers down my soul: Who the heck was that?
