navy Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious navy stories

What are the best navy puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Navy? Well here is a complete list of the top navy jokes:

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once

Whoops, wrong sub

πŸ‘πŸΌ

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom ships?

So they can see the old French navy.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Aftershave's aftereffects.

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?

She puts her clothes back on and goes home.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you sink the Polish navy?

Put it in water

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What separates the men from the boys in the Navy?

A crowbar.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why dose the navy use liquid soap?

Because it takes longer to pick up.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Do you know how they separate the men from the boys in the navy?

With a crowbar.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Heard a vintage 2011 today.

The Navy Seals just invented a new drink, the "bin Laden". Two shots to the face and a splash of water.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Military Jokes

I'm a former Army guy and I need some jokes about other branches of the military. So far all I have is:

In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys?
-With a crowbar.

What's the worst thing in a woman?
-A Marine



πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do they separate the men from the boys in the navy?

With a crowbar.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

For your consideration: A historical, circular triple entendre

Why did the Queen join the Navy after making herself breakfast in bed?

Because she was impressed by Her Service.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Where does the Navy rank amongst the armed forces?

Submarines.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Navy

How does the Navy separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do they separate the men from the boys in the Navy?

With a crowbar.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why did the New Polish Navy build boats with glass bottoms?

To see the Old Polish Navy

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So Merkel, Putin and Obama walk along the beach.

Suddenly Obama mentions; "You know, our Navy submarines can submerge for 4 weeks straight!"

Putin grins and says; "Well, our submarines can submerge for 6 weeks straight, they just have to surface for the food!"

Suddenly a Submarine surfaces right in front of them, a man appears and yells "SIEG HEIL! WE RAN OUT OF BENZIN!"


P.S: Benzin= Petrol, but the joke works way better with benzin IMO

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do the 3rd Italian Navy use glass-bottomed battleships?

So they can look at the 2nd Italian Navy!
*[Sorry if you are offended]*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you hear about the gay whale bothering the Navy?

It bit the head off a submarine and sucked all the seamen out...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What did the Navy battleship captain say to his first mate during a skirmish?

I think I'm feeling C6

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A ship with 30 sailors and one woman strands on a desert island.


After one month the woman says:
"I can not proceed in this way."
And she suicides herself.
After another month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they bury the woman.
The next month, the sailors say:
"We can not proceed in this way."
And they dig up the woman.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: The captain was sitting on the deck.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you guys hear that Old Navy has been using fake wool?

They can't pull the polyester over our eyes anymore!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Q: Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes on them?
A: So that when they come into port, they can Scandinavian.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How does the Navy separate the men from the boys?

...with a crowbar.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Marines are a department of the Navy...

The Men's Department

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "

Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Army, sir."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Seasick jokes

What do armed forces at sea feel when depressed?
The Navy blues

What part of the Mac's desktop would seafarers miss when at sea for a loooong time?
The Dock

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language.
For instance, Take the simple phrase β€œsecure the building”.
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

how does the navy separate the men from the boys?

with a crowbar.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Q: What explorer was the best at Hiding and Seek?
A: Marco Polo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Best submarine

As the Cold War is ending, peacetalks are being held between the USA and the USSR.

Two sailors, one Soviet and one US, are sharing cigarettes and are looking at the grand show of military power from a nearby pier.

The American boast about the US navy: (with a thick Texan accent) **"Our submarines are state of the art and can stay submerged for weeks at a time! There is nothing that you reds could do about it!"**

The soviet sailor replies: (in heavily accented English) *"HA! Our grand Soviet engineers have managed toe create technologies that allow our subs to stay underwater for over 6 months!"*

As they argue about their respective submarines they are startled as suddenly a periscope appears, followed by a hatch that opens and a guy asking them:

"Hallo, wo kann ich hier benzin kaufen?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, "

Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.
The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, "Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts."
The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first.
The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink 'before the trouble starts.'
After several rounds of this, the bartender says, "Look Sailor, you've been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this 'trouble' going to start?"
The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. "The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don't have any money."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A marine general, an army general, and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.


The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?".
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing."
He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Soldiers around a camp fire

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force sit around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says, "That's nothing, I once made a beach landing, marched 60 miles, and killed everyone in sight." The SEAL is unimpressed, he says "That's nothing, I once swam 10 miles to shore, marched 70 miles, and killed everyone in sight with my bare hands." Thoroughly impressed, they all look over at the Delta Force member, and he's dead silent, just stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army.
McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall.
They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"
"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."
"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."
"Well, my men are very brave, too."
"I'd like to see that."
So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson!
I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"
"Are you crazy?
It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:
"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."

Putin, not looking really impressed, answers:

"That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"

The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"

Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

At school, a soldier spoke to Johnny'

s class.
Johnny felt enthusiastic about joining the military, so he went home and told his dad.
To his surprise, this was the biggest step forward in his life, so his dad decided to explain the military to him.
"Son, I'll teach you what you need to know about the military.
The Army and Navy are the only two REAL branches of our military.
The Marine Corps is a cult.
The Coast Guard is playing a game called 'Pretend Navy Since 1915'."

So Johnny asks his dad, "what about the Air Force?"
Johnny's dad explained to him, "well son, the Air Force is like a giant corporation.
Just a bunch of people sitting at desks playing Flight Simulator and bullshitting with each other."

By that time, Johnny was amazed and decided he wanted to join the military, but wanted to know what his daddy did.
"What did you do in the military, dad?"
"Well son, I spoke Chinese and shot at the Americans in Vietnam."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Retirement bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to
go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.


"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Little Head

A man walks into a bar and notices the gentleman next to him has a very small head. After a few beers, he finally asks the gentleman, "Pardon me, but why is your head so small?".

The man began to explain how he was in the Navy and after his ship was struck by a torpedo, and he was stuck on a deserted island for months. "One day," he said "A mermaid magically appeared. She said she could grant any wish I had. I asked to be rescued, and off in the horizon, I saw a coast guard ship heading towards me. I then proceeded to explain how long I had been stuck on the island and asked her for some sex before being rescued. She explained that it was impossible since she was a mermaid. So instead, I asked her for a little head."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My grandfather died in the polish navy...

...on the sub that with the screen door, but it didn't sink that way.

What happened was my grandfather looked through the porthole, saw the screen door flapping and decided to open the hatch to close it.
-&y

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire.

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says, "That's nothing, I once made a beach landing, marched 60 miles, and killed everyone in sight." The SEAL is unimpressed, he says "That's nothing, I once swam 10 miles to shore, marched 70 miles, and killed everyone in sight with my bare hands." Thoroughly impressed, they all look over at the Delta Force member, and he's dead silent, just stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An air marshal, an army general and a navy admiral were discussing who had the toughest men.

The army general says, Alright, I'll prove the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get overhere! The private reports as ordered, Yes sir? The general says, See that man over there? Kill him! Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, See? That man has balls! The air marshal says, "That's nothing. Private, get over here! The aircraftsman reports, Yes, sir? The air marshal says, See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself. Without blinking, the aircraftsman pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds. The air marshal says, See? Now that man has balls!
The admiral says, That's nothing. He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, Hey, seaman, jump off that tower! The seaman answers, Excuse me, sir? The admiral repeats, JUMP OFF THAT TOWER! The seaman replies, Go to hell, sir! The admiral says, See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Just found out slutty female acquaintance is joining the navy.

GO!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do you kill a navy seal?

With a club.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do they use liquid soap in the Navy?

It takes longer to pick up

πŸ‘πŸΌ

CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best navy jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about navy. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty navy gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these navy jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

Can I save Navy jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Thumbs up your favorite jokes so we can rank them by how many likes every joke has. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Navy joke? You are free to share every Navy joke found on JokoJokes.com, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.

JokoJokes