navy Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious navy puns

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once

Whoops, wrong sub

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TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub

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A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire....

The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.

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Donald Trump, Vladimr Putin and Angela Merkel take a walk on the Beach.

Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his country's militaristic superiority.

"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can remain submerged from the moment they leave the port, to the day they enter it again 6 months later. You haven't ever seen such great submarines in your entire life, folks."

Putin, not looking really impressed, answers:

"That's great, Donald. But my new nuclear submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"

The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German submarines stay under, Mrs Merkel?"

Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creaks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil Hitler, we need more diesel."

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Military Joke

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says, "That's nothing, I once made a beach landing, marched 60 miles, and killed everyone in sight." The SEAL is unimpressed, he says "That's nothing, I once swam 10 miles to shore, marched 70 miles, and killed everyone in sight with my bare hands." Thoroughly impressed, they all look over at the Delta Force member, and he's dead silent, just stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.

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In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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In the Navy.

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"

"John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the chief scowled.

"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, Jackson, whatever.

And you are to refer to me as 'Chief.' Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye, Aye, Chief!"

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed. "Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief."

"Okay, John, here's what I want you to do ...."

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Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.

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The navy chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him

Get over here! What's your name sailor?

John, the new seaman replied.

Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp nowadays, but I don't call anyone by his first name, the chief scowled. It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Do I make myself clear?

Aye, Aye Chief!

Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?

The seaman sighed. Darling, My name is John Darling, Chief.

Okay, John, here's what I want you to do …..

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Retirement bonus

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points of his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.


The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.


The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes.
He walked out with $96,000.


The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied,'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to
go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.


The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.


"Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed, ''Where are your testicles?''
The old Chief calmly replied, ''Vietnam''.

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A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

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An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire.

An Army Ranger, a Recon Marine, a Navy SEAL, and a member of Delta Force are sitting around a camp fire. The Army Ranger, bragging about his exploits says "You guys aren't so tough, I once parachuted down, marched fifty miles, and killed everyone in sight." The Recon Marine is unimpressed, and says, "That's nothing, I once made a beach landing, marched 60 miles, and killed everyone in sight." The SEAL is unimpressed, he says "That's nothing, I once swam 10 miles to shore, marched 70 miles, and killed everyone in sight with my bare hands." Thoroughly impressed, they all look over at the Delta Force member, and he's dead silent, just stirring the coals of the fire with his dick.

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TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships.

So they can Scan da navy in

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Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers.

They defend the ships much more eagerly.

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The Norwegian navy has started putting barcodes on their ships…

So they can scan da navy in…

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4 Mexicans In A Rowboat

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas.

The Captain gets on the megaphone and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory
taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. The Captain finally catches his breath, gets back on the megaphone and asks,
" Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No senor, we are the last four. The other 21 million are already there."

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When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

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First day at Navy school.

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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When I was in the army, I lost my rifle and had to pay $865 for a new one

Now I'm starting to understand why navy captains always go down with their ship

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A new recruit in the Navy was being put through the paces by an experienced captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the recruit replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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Why does the Norway navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can Scandanavian.

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The branches of the military.

The four branches encounter a bug in the tent.

The army shoots the bug.

The marines eat the bug.

The navy drowns the bug.

The air force calls room service to ask why the fuck there's a tent in their room.

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Why does the north Korean navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see their air Force.

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Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

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A Little Head

A man walks into a bar and notices the gentleman next to him has a very small head. After a few beers, he finally asks the gentleman, "Pardon me, but why is your head so small?".

The man began to explain how he was in the Navy and after his ship was struck by a torpedo, and he was stuck on a deserted island for months. "One day," he said "A mermaid magically appeared. She said she could grant any wish I had. I asked to be rescued, and off in the horizon, I saw a coast guard ship heading towards me. I then proceeded to explain how long I had been stuck on the island and asked her for some sex before being rescued. She explained that it was impossible since she was a mermaid. So instead, I asked her for a little head."

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U.S. Navy Seals just freed thousands of ISIS sex slaves ...

All the goats have been moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their respective farmers.

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The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men.

They are sending them out to sea.

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So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

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Why do North Korean navy boats have glass bottoms

So they can see their Air Force

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Navy biscuits

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

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I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army.

I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I'm starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

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I just enlisted my kids into the Navy.

Or as the wife calls it, masturbated in the shower.

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Why does the new French navy have glass bottom ships?

So they can see the old French navy.

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An Admiral visited one of the ships under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia."

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that's the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

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What's a pirate's favorite school subject?

Arrrrrrrrt.


What's a pirate's favorite body part?

The arrrrrm.



What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?


No. The Navy you idiot.

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Change Your Course...

Heard this from some friends, thought I'd post this here.

On a very dark night, a Captain of a battleship saw a light headed on a collision course.


He sent a warning message: "Change your course 15 degrees East!". He receives the reply: "You change your course 15 degrees West!".


Annoyed he sends another message: "I am a Navy Captain, now change your course!". He receives another reply: "I'm a seaman 2nd class, I suggest you change your course, sir!".


Angry, the captain sends another message: "I am a battleship! I will not change course!". Again he receives another reply: "I'm a light house! Your call.".

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the differences between the branches of the US military

If you tell the Army "Secure that building!"
They will surround it with armor and heavy infantry and not let anyone out of it until told to

If you tell the Marines "Secure that building!"
They will storm the building, eliminate any resistance, and allow no one to enter it until told to.

If you tell the Navy "Secure that building!"
They will turn out the lights, close and lock all doors and windows and post a fire watch

If you tell the Air Force "Secure that building!"
They will take out a 30 year lease with an option to buy.

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The Captains Wife

The crew of a US navy battle ship was back home after many months of being out to sea. To celebrate, the captain of the ship organized a formal ball and the entire crew was there in thier unforms. The big band was playing and the sailors were hitting the bar and drinking hard as they admired the Captains beautiful wife sitting at the head table with the captain himself.

One of the drunken sailors spoke up, "Im gonna ask the capins wife ta dance wit me!" The other sailors just laughed at him as he swaggered on down to the captains table. Sailor says, "Hey Capin, may I dansh wit your wife?" The captain, having been drinking himself, nodded the OK.

Stunned, the other sailors watched as their lowly shipmate and the captains wife engaged in a slow dance. The sailor having been out to sea for several months was very happy to be dancing with this beautiful woman.

After a few minutes of dancing the captains wife speaks up and says, "My, but you smell very nice. What do you have on?" The sailor speaks into her ear and says, " I have a hard on, but I didn't think you could smell it."

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I tried out for the Marines but fell just short of their requirements

So they put me in the Navy since I was a sub-marine.

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TIL that it's not politically correct to say someone is gay...

The preferred term is "Navy enlisted personnel."

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Aftershave's aftereffects.

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

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Ted Cruz left the Navy 9/11 memorial service early...

He only had time to meet a handful of semen.

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A Navy ship hailed a civilian at sea...

**Navy**: We ask that you divert your course 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Civilian**: Negative. Recommend that *you* divert 15 degrees north, to avoid collision.

**Navy**: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert your course.

**Civilian**: Negative. I say again, recommend you change course.

**Navy**: This is the aircraft carrier *Enterprise*! We are a large warship of the U.S. Navy! Divert your course *immediately*!

**Civilian**: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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An Air Force pilot, a Naval Officer and an Army Private all go to the bathroom

When they come out, the Air Force pilot begins thoroughly washing his hands and says,
'In the Air Force they taught us the importance of good hygiene.'

The Naval officer then begins washing his hands using only a small trickle of water and says,
'In the Navy they taught us the importance of good hygiene AND water conservation.'

The army private walks straight out without stopping and says,
'In the Army they taught us to not piss on our hands.'

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What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?

She puts her clothes back on and goes home.

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When i lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85$

That's why in the Navy, the captian goes down with the ship

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Once there were two pirates who were identical twins...

These twins, the Tillery brothers, were named Arthur and Artemis, but both of them liked to be called Art. The only way that the captain and crew could tell them apart was by weight: Arthur was much fatter than his twin.

One day, the pirate ship was attacked by a Royal Navy ship. "All hands on deck!" The captain ordered. He pointed to the cannons and shouted, "Fire the heavy artillery!"

Hearing this, one of the pirates picked up Arthur, shoved him in the cannon, and fired.

"What did you do that for?" The captain asked.

"Sorry sir," the pirate replied. "But I'm sure you told me to fire the heavy Art Tillery."

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Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap?

It takes longer to pick up.

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The American Navy

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Campfire stories

An army ranger, navy seal, and green beret are sitting at a campfire swapping tough guy stories.

The army ranger pipes up by bragging, "One time I had to parachute 4 miles behind enemy lines, take out a platoon of enemy soldiers, and escape with fifty pounds of intel strapped to my back."

Not to be out done by the ranger, the seal chimes in. "We navy seals are so tough, one time I swam upstream 8 miles into enemy lines. Once there, I took out a whole company of enemy special forces, and snuck back out with 100 pounds of their top secret weapons."

The green beret sat there nodding his head listening while stirring the coals with his dick.

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How do you sink the Polish navy?

Put it in water

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It's an XO (Navy Executive Officer)'s last day before retirement...

...and the Captain comes up to him and tells him that upon finishing his nightly duties, he is to inventory everything on the entire ship and have it on the Captain's desk by the next morning at 0700.

The XO grins widely and says "Aye aye, sir!"

The Captain looks at him for a moment and says "Son, I can tell everything I need to know by that look on your face. I bet you can't wait until I die so you can come piss on my grave, right?"

"No, sir!" the XO says. "After I get out of the Navy, I'm never standing in line again!"

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BREAKING - The Russian Navy has released a statement after accidentally sinking one of it's own submarines

Oops, wrong sub.

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Why does the Norwegian navy put barcodes on ships?

So when they return to port they can Scandinavian.

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After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post to the correct sub.

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How do you separate the men from the boys in the Navy?

With a crowbar.

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What separates the men from the boys in the Navy?

A crowbar.

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Why dose the navy use liquid soap?

Because it takes longer to pick up.

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It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.

Talk Abbottabad place to hide.

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Do you know how they separate the men from the boys in the navy?

With a crowbar.

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Why did the US Navy gift the British Navy glass-bottomed boats?

So they could see the old British Navy!

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Heard a vintage 2011 today.

The Navy Seals just invented a new drink, the "bin Laden". Two shots to the face and a splash of water.

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What grades do you need to join the navy?

7 C's

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Why did the Italian Navy make their ships with glass bottoms?

So they could see the old Italian Navy!

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Why does the Italian Navy have glass bottom boats?

To see the old Italian Navy

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My uncle was in the navy, stationed on an aircraft carrier.

One day during inspection he had a ketchup stain on his shirt. This had the natural punishment of kitchen duty.

That night he reported and there was a big, fat, sweaty man in a wife beater making hamburger patties for dinner the next night. He'd pick up a handful of beef, put it into his armpit and flatten it into a patty.

My uncle was absolutely disgusted as they had hamburgers every Thursday for his 2 year deployment. While he was curled over a trash can trying to control his stomach the chef pipes up:

"If you think that's bad you oughta be here the day we make donuts"

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Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can...
Scandinavian.

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Military Joke -

I'm a former Army guy and I need some jokes about other branches of the military. So far all I have is:

In the Navy, how do you seperate the men from the boys?
-With a crowbar.

What's the worst thing in a woman?
-A Marine



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How do they separate the men from the boys in the navy?

With a crowbar.

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A German, an American and an Englishman are standing by the sea...

They're talking about their military's efficiency. The American boldly claims "Our American submarines can last a month under water without ever having to go up!".

The Englishman laughs and says "That's nothing. Our Royal Navy submarines can last half a year under water without ever having to go up!"

Both look at the German who remains silent. Suddenly a submarine emerges before them and a man jumps out shouting: "Heil Hitler, we need fuel!".

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Change your course

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: Change your course 10 degree east.
The light signals back: Change yours, 10 degrees west.
Angry, the captain sends: I'm a navy captain! Change your course, sir!
I'm a seaman, second class, comes the reply. Change your course, sir.
Now the captain is furious. I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!
There is one last reply. I'm a lighthouse. Your call.

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A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.

He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized that there are in fact 20 ships!" The captain suddenly goes very pale and calls, "Bring me my brown pants."

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Did you hear about the Navy hangar that doubles as a church?

It's a house of warship

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Why did the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?

So they could scan da Navy in.

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In the Navy, how do you separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar.

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The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...

And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...

For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,

For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,

And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."

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English navy ship is sinking...

They are sending message on the radio: "MAY DAY, MAY DAY!! WE ARE SINKING!"
A German ship hears their message and responds: " Zis is German Navy Ship. What are you sinking about?"

Were those peace times or war times, I cannot tell... either way it's funny :)

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Why does Norway's Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port they can... Scandinavian.

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For your consideration: A historical, circular triple entendre

Why did the Queen join the Navy after making herself breakfast in bed?

Because she was impressed by Her Service.

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My friend is obsessed with Navy destroyers

He warships them

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A guy walks into a bar and is down on his luck.

Guy tells the bartender he's down on his luck and wants to know what he has to do to get free drinks for the rest of the night.

Bartender says, "well you've got to do 3 things, first, you see that guy at the end of the bar? Hes an ex Navy SEAL, you have to kick his ass. Second, there's a 12ft alligator out back with an abscessed tooth that you have to pull. Third, there's an old woman upstairs that has never had an orgasm, you have to get her off."

Guy is like "Psssh NO PROBLEM."

Guy walks over to the Navy SEAL, picks up a bar stool and cracks the SEAL over the head, knocks him out cold. Bartender says "That was cheap, but ill allow it."

Guy walks out the back door to take care of this alligator, he's out there for over an hour, bartenders starting to get worried. He's thinking the guy is obviously dead. 30 more minutes go by and the guy finally walks in the back door, clothes ripped to shreds, covered in blood and says to the bartender, "ALL RIGHT, NOW WHERES THIS OLD LADY WITH THE ABSCESSED TOOTH?"

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How did the Royal Navy attract so many recruits?

They were impressive!

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Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian

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What do you call a snail in the Navy?

A Snailor

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Where does the Navy rank amongst the armed forces?

Submarines.

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Whats the best Navy in the world?

The French Navy, you'll never see them coming!

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The Navy

How does the Navy separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar.

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The US Navy

Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

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As the navy seals burst into osama bin ladens room in his pakistani compound, his last dying words forever wrung in the ears of the seals...

"It was just a prank bro"

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A pirate ship is blown apart during a battle with the Navy.

A pirate ship is blown up during a battle with the Navy. The only survivors are an old crusty pirate and a pesky parrot. As they float together on some old timbers the parrot asks, "How's your ass?"
The pirate just ignores the parrot. So the parrot asks again, "How's your ass?" Again the pirate ignores him. Over and over again the parrot asks, "How's your ass? How's your ass?" Finally, annoyed, the old pirate yells at the parrot, "Awww, shut up!!!" The parrot replies, "Mine too, must be the salt water."

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A US Ship was sailing through dense fog when it sees another light....

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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When I lost my rifle the army charged me $85.That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Sometimes shit happens

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Sometimes the same word means different things to different people.

Suppose, for example, the order goes out from HQ to "secure the building."

After a short while, the Marines report back, "We have destroyed the building."

Army reports, "We have killed everyone in the building and are holding the position."

Navy: "We locked the door when we left for the day."

Air Force: "We signed a three-year lease with an option to buy."

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A sailor is discharged from the Navy...

...and he's so happy to see his girlfriend, and so horny, that he hustles her behind a building, lifts her skirt, and proceeds to give her a knee-trembler right there at the pier.

As they were driving home, the satisfied sailor says, "Wow, that was great. And I know you liked it too, I saw your toes curling."

She says, "Not really. You didn't give me time to take off my pantyhose!"

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The difference between the services

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language.

For instance, Take the simple phrase secure the building :
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

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Why do Norwegian Navy ships have barcodes on the side of them?

So when they come back to Port they can Scandinavian

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You know how they separate the men from the boys in the Navy?

With a crowbar.

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How do you separate men from boys in the navy?

With a crowbar.

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Another Pirate joke?

Ok, so this three part one which requires a little build up:

Ask, "what a pirate's favorite letter?"

Usually people get the "Rrrr"

Ask, "What's a pirates favorite restaurant?"

Wait for a response: "Harrrdees" or "Arrrbys"

and lastly, ask "What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military?"

At this point you should get "the ARrrrrmy" and you reply

"No it's the Navy stupid!"

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THE NEW RECRUIT

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long.
"Let me show you," says the captain.
He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it.
"This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy."
The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns.
"Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!"
"Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday."
"Why not Thursday?"
"That's your day in the barrel."

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How do they separate the men from the boys in the Navy?

With a crowbar.

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How do they separate the men from the boys in the navy?

with a crowbar

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Why do they use liquid soap in the Navy?

Takes longer to pick up.

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Why do they use powdered soap in the navy?

Because it takes longer to pick up.

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If the Navy ever gets a ship with an EMP...

...they should name it the USS Ellen Pao 'cause it shuts down everything.

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I was hesitant to join the Navy Cadets, afraid I wouldn't make any friends

But need not worry. We were all in the same boat.

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Had that been US Navy personnel stopping the terrorist on the train...

...there would have been seamen all over him.

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Why did the New Polish Navy build boats with glass bottoms?

To see the Old Polish Navy

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Why did the polish navy start putting glass floors on their boats?

So every time they went out to sea, they could look at their old ships.

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A Navy Yeoman screws up a message

One of the guys got a message from his wife that changed a bit when the Yeoman transcribed it:

She sent: Not getting any better, hurry home.

He got: Not getting any, better hurry home.

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An admiral is sailing a ship...

and ahead of him, spots an incoming light. He radios the light, commanding, "Turn 10 degrees South to avoid a collision course." The radio squawked, "No, you are to turn 10 degrees South." This exchange happens about 3 or 4 more times until finally, the admiral yells into the radio, saying, "Do you know who you are talking to? I AM AN ADMIRAL OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY!"

The radio says back, "Well, you're talking to the lighthouse."

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New Italian Navy

Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottoms in their ships?

So the can see the old Italian Navy.

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What is it called when a ship attacks their own navy?

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More changes to the military

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all ship personnel at Pearl, CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.
Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.

Are there any questions?"

A Marine from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired...

"How much for a season pass?"

God bless the Marine Corps!!!

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How do you separate the men from the boys in the navy?

With a crowbar

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Why does the Norway Navy put big barcodes on all their ships?

To Scandinavian.

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My friend is obsessed with navy destroyers

He warships them.

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Why did the hotel refuse hospitality to the Navy?

They didn't want their rooms covered with seamen.

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The US Navy is starting to worry about the North Korean military.

Since all the missles they launch at Washington end up hitting the ocean, the odds are they will eventually hit a ship.

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What do you call an American navy ship that's been hijacked by communist pirates?

USS-Arrr!

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Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degres west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

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When my office said they needed headshots, I was surprised when a Navy SEAL sniper came in...

...and asked me to take my penis out for an up close photo.

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Why do the 3rd Italian Navy use glass-bottomed battleships?

So they can look at the 2nd Italian Navy!
*[Sorry if you are offended]*

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So Merkel, Putin and Obama walk along the beach.

Suddenly Obama mentions; "You know, our Navy submarines can submerge for 4 weeks straight!"

Putin grins and says; "Well, our submarines can submerge for 6 weeks straight, they just have to surface for the food!"

Suddenly a Submarine surfaces right in front of them, a man appears and yells "SIEG HEIL! WE RAN OUT OF BENZIN!"


P.S: Benzin= Petrol, but the joke works way better with benzin IMO

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Q: What has more ships than the navy?

A: Anime fanbases

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An Army general and a Navy admiral are both in a public restroom.

The admiral finishes peeing, and leaves without washing his hands. The general also finishes up, but washes his hands.

On the way out the door, the general asks, "What, did they not teach you to wash your hands in the Navy?"

The admiral replies, "No, they taught us not to pee on our hands."

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Video: Finnish Navy and Yle mistakenly follow Russian nuclear submarine

Whoops. Wrong sub.

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How do they separate the men from the boys in the Navy?

With a crow bar

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Why does Norway navy have large barcodes on the side of their ships?

So when they come back to port, they can Scandanavian.

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When the little boys stuck in that cave in Thailand are rescued, there's definitely gonna be a movie. There's a ex US Navy Seal helping. They're gonna make the movie all about him

and have Scarlett Johansen playing one of the Thai boys.

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What's the difference between a Marine and submarine?

Nothing. The Navy goes down on both of them.

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You know what they say about the Navy...

100 men go in and 50 couples come out.

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Navy SEAL Training [KINDA nsfw]

A component of the gruesome Navy SEAL training is to stand in the middle of the desert with a goat as your only companion. You have plenty to drink and eat. It's a psychological test.

So this particular Navy SEAL hopeful was doing pretty good, waiting for more than a month in the desert with his goat, until he really feels the need for a human female companion, because, well, he is super horny. Only, he's alone with the goat. He gets so desperate that one day he drops his pants and tries to hump the goat. The goat wants none of this, so it kicks the SEAL with its hind legs and moves out.

A month goes by, and the same story happens. The goat just kicks the SEAL away.

Another month, another failure for the SEAL who, at that point, is in terrible shape.

One day, out of the blue, the SEAL sees a magnificent blonde walk up to him. She is the woman of his dreams. The one he has been dreaming for. She only wears a really tight bikini.

And, in the sluttiest voice ever recorded on Earth, she says: "Can I help you?"

The SEAL looks at her, looks at the goat, and at her again:

"Yes! Please, hold the goat!!"

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How do you know if a guy was in the Navy SEALs?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.

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Did you hear about the gay whale bothering the Navy?

It bit the head off a submarine and sucked all the seamen out...

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Everyone has been in the Navy at least once.

We all started out as a seaman

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What do you call a dog in the Navy?

A sub woofer.

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I wouldn't join the navy.

Seamen everywhere.

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There are 280 Navy personnel on a destroyer when they leave for a cruise. Not a single one comes back....

...just 140 couples.

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Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they return to port, they can easily Scandinavian.

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Had a bet going with a friend over who would be the first to get those kids out of that cave, Elon Musk or the Navy SEALs...

...He said Elon Musk, I said it would be a Thai.

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What did the Navy battleship captain say to his first mate during a skirmish?

I think I'm feeling C6

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A man was applying for a job in the navy

So, the interviewer said.
"Can you swim."
The man looked puzzled and asked.
"Why, did you run out of ships?"

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What do you call a member of the armed forces in the north sea?

A navy seal.

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Why did the navy refuse to have a cyclops for a general?

They wouldn't be able to say " eye-eye sir"

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My 87 year old, retired navy grandpa told this joke at family dinner after I graduated physician assistant school: "Well did they teach you how to make a hormone?"

Step on her toe

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Why did the Norwegian Navy put bar codes on their ships?

So that when they dock, they can scan the navy in

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An old pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch walks into a bar

The bartender says:

Whoa, that's quite a get up you got there! Tell me how you got that peg leg.

The pirate explains:

Yarr! Ah lost me leg in a mighty battle with the toyal navy!

The bartender asks:

Wow, how about the hand?

Pirate:

'twas me old nemesis Racham the Red cut it off afore I scewerd 'im like a sow at a buffet!

Bartender:

Wow, that's quite a story! How'd you end up with the eye patch?

Pirate:

Seagull shat in me eye...

Bartender:

A seagull shat in your eye? Really? How bad could that be?

Pirate:

Arr... 'twas the first day with me new hook...

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What did they say to the transgender man who joined the navy

Welcome to the navy

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Why does the new Polish Navy have glass bottom boats?

To see the old polish navy.

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What are the best Navy puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Navy? Well, here are the best jokes about Navy to have fun with.

Joko Jokes