The Best 81 Navy Jokes

Why did the New Polish Navy build boats with glass bottoms?

To see the Old Polish Navy

Did you hear about the gay whale bothering the Navy?

It bit the head off a submarine and sucked all the seamen out...

Why did the Queen join the Navy after making herself breakfast in bed?

Because she was impressed by Her Service.

Aftershave's aftereffects.

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.

The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.

What's the first thing a Navy wife does when she wakes up in the morning?

She puts her clothes back on and goes home.

So Merkel, Putin and Obama walk along the beach.

Suddenly Obama mentions; "You know, our Navy submarines can submerge for 4 weeks straight!"

Putin grins and says; "Well, our submarines can submerge for 6 weeks straight, they just have to surface for the food!"

Suddenly a Submarine surfaces right in front of them, a man appears and yells "SIEG HEIL! WE RAN OUT OF BENZIN!"

Why does the new French navy have glass bottom ships?

So they can see the old French navy.

How do you sink the Polish navy?

Put it in water

Why dose the navy use liquid soap?

Because it takes longer to pick up.

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

Heard a vintage 2011 today.

The Navy Seals just invented a new drink, the "bin Laden". Two shots to the face and a splash of water.

Where does the Navy rank amongst the armed forces?

Submarines.

How do you separate the men from the boys in the Navy?

With a crowbar.

The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...

And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...

For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,

For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eight bells,

And for those of you in the Marines, the little hand will be on the four and the big hand will be on the twelve."

Why does the U.S. Navy use powdered soap?

It takes longer to pick up.

How did the Royal Navy attract so many recruits?

They were impressive!

An admiral is sailing a ship...

and ahead of him, spots an incoming light. He radios the light, commanding, "Turn 10 degrees South to avoid a collision course." The radio squawked, "No, you are to turn 10 degrees South." This exchange happens about 3 or 4 more times until finally, the admiral yells into the radio, saying, "Do you know who you are talking to? I AM AN ADMIRAL OF THE UNITED STATES NAVY!"

The radio says back, "Well, you're talking to the lighthouse."

New Italian Navy

Why does the new Italian Navy use glass bottoms in their ships?

So the can see the old Italian Navy.

U.S. Navy Seals just freed thousands of ISIS sex slaves ...

All the goats have been moved to an undisclosed location and are awaiting to be reunited with their respective farmers.

Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers.

They defend the ships much more eagerly.

After joining the submarine forces of the Navy, I was guaranteed that I would be stationed on a nuclear-powered submarine by an Admiral.

Unfortunately, when I received my order I found out that my post would be a navigator on a Diesel-powered sub with no nuclear capability.

When I approached my command to complain, I was told that this happened all the time and would soon sort itself out - a moderator would soon move my post to the correct sub.

So a navy man returns to his ship after a night in port. The next morning he's shocked to find everyone speaking Russian...

Whoops, wrong sub.

BREAKING - The Russian Navy has released a statement after accidentally sinking one of it's own submarines

Oops, wrong sub.

If the Navy ever gets a ship with an EMP...

...they should name it the USS Ellen Pao 'cause it shuts down everything.

Had that been US Navy personnel stopping the terrorist on the train...

...there would have been seamen all over him.

TIL: The Norwegian Navy have started to put barcodes on their ships.

So they can Scan da navy in

A Navy Yeoman screws up a message

One of the guys got a message from his wife that changed a bit when the Yeoman transcribed it:

She sent: Not getting any better, hurry home.

He got: Not getting any, better hurry home.

The Navy is beginning to recruit blind men.

They are sending them out to sea.

What is it called when a ship attacks their own navy?

Q: What has more ships than the navy?

A: Anime fanbases

What do you call a snail in the Navy?

A Snailor

Did you hear about the Navy hangar that doubles as a church?

It's a house of warship

As the navy seals burst into osama bin ladens room in his pakistani compound, his last dying words forever wrung in the ears of the seals...

"It was just a prank bro"

Why did the polish navy start putting glass floors on their boats?

So every time they went out to sea, they could look at their old ships.

It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.

Talk Abbottabad place to hide.

I just enlisted my kids into the Navy.

Or as the wife calls it, masturbated in the shower.

My friend is obsessed with Navy destroyers

He warships them

Why did the US Navy gift the British Navy glass-bottomed boats?

So they could see the old British Navy!

Why does the Italian Navy have glass bottom boats?

To see the old Italian Navy

English navy ship is sinking...

They are sending message on the radio: "MAY DAY, MAY DAY!! WE ARE SINKING!"
A German ship hears their message and responds: " Zis is German Navy Ship. What are you sinking about?"

Were those peace times or war times, I cannot tell... either way it's funny :)

Whats the best Navy in the world?

The French Navy, you'll never see them coming!

Why does the north Korean navy have glass bottom boats?

So they can see their air Force.

TIL that it's not politically correct to say someone is gay...

The preferred term is "Navy enlisted personnel."

Why do all Swedish military ships have bar codes on them?

So when the come to port, they can just Scan da navy in!

Why did the Norwegian navy put barcodes on their ships?

So they could scan da Navy in.

When I lost my pistol, the Army charged me $125.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

I managed to lose my rifle when I was in the army.

I had to pay $855 to cover the loss. I'm starting to understand why a Navy captain always goes down with his ship.

Why did the Italian Navy make their ships with glass bottoms?

So they could see the old Italian Navy!

When I was in the army, I lost my rifle and had to pay $865 for a new one

Now I'm starting to understand why navy captains always go down with their ship

A pirate captain is about to pillage a Royal Navy ship.

He calls to his aide, "Bring me my red coat!" When the aide asks why, he says, "If I get shot, the men won't see it and will keep on fighting." The aide praises the captain's intelligence and fetches the jacket. Then, as soon as they are about to attack, a lookout yells, "Captain, we just realized that there are in fact 20 ships!" The captain suddenly goes very pale and calls, "Bring me my brown pants."

Sometimes the same word means different things to different people.

Suppose, for example, the order goes out from HQ to "secure the building."

After a short while, the Marines report back, "We have destroyed the building."

Army reports, "We have killed everyone in the building and are holding the position."

Navy: "We locked the door when we left for the day."

Air Force: "We signed a three-year lease with an option to buy."

I was hesitant to join the Navy Cadets, afraid I wouldn't make any friends

But need not worry. We were all in the same boat.

In the army, you have to pay $85 if you lose your rifle.

That's why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

The difference between the services

The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don't speak the same language.

For instance, Take the simple phrase secure the building :
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Marines will kill everybody inside and set up a headquarters.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

What grades do you need to join the navy?

7 C's

I tried out for the Marines but fell just short of their requirements

So they put me in the Navy since I was a sub-marine.

Army vs. Navy

An Army Colonel and a Navy Commodore dressed in ceremonial attire, are taking a pee in the men's room.

Post finishing their business, the Army guy washes his hands and dries them on a towel.
The Navy guy proceeds to just walk out.

Seeing this, the Army guy can't resist taking a snipe and says, 'Didn't the Navy teach you to wash your hands after peeing?'

The Navy guys replies, 'Nah! In the Navy they just taught us not to pee on our hands.'

I'm about to lose my job in the Navy unless I make some drastic changes.

I have to take a course in anchor management.

I've never understood the Navy's colour being Navy blue.

I though they were the aqua-marines.

What is a Sailors motto?

Never leave your mates behind...

Dad and Son have a conversation about joining the Navy.

Dad: You wanna join the navy? You can't even swim!

Son: But then in the Air Force no one can fly either.

Why does rhe Norwegian navy have barcodes on their ships

So they can scan-da-navy-in...

U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts:

Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of
America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800's."

The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter.

When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last 4. The other 20 million are already there.

I just read this strange new book about a dark blue star exploding out of a sailor's belly button

It's a novel naval navel navy nova novel

Why did Norway's Navy have barcodes on all the ships?

So when they come back into port they can Scandinavian...

A captain notices a light in the distance, on a collision course with his ship.

He turns on his signal lamp and sends, Change your course, 10 degrees west.

The light signals back, Change yours, 10 degrees east.

The captain gets a little annoyed. He signals, I'm a US Navy captain. You must change your course, sir.

The light signals back, I'm a Seaman First Class. You must change your course, sir.

Now the captain is mad. He signals, I'm an aircraft carrier. I'm not changing my course.

The light signals back a final message: I'm a lighthouse. Your call.

Why did the necrophiliac join the navy?

So he could enter the marine corps.

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

Did you know...

An AGM guided missile has an explosion big enough to wreck several decks on a warship?

Anyways, I got dishonorably discharged from the navy

A sailor and a marine walk into a bathroom at a bar

They both do their business, the sailor goes to wash his hands -- the marine heads to the door. The sailor sees this and says "You know, in the NAVY they taught us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom". The marine looks back at him and says "Oh yeah? Well, in the marines they taught us not to piss on our hands"

In the French Navy, it's considered unlucky to have the number 5 in a ship's name...

Because all of the ships with that number in their name... cinq

What's better than a talking dog?

A spelling bee


What's better than a spelling bee?


A navy seal

after 3 weeks of lockdon

I was thinking a bit about Bin Laden. He stayed at home with 3 wives for 5 years. I'm beginning to suspect he called the Navy Seals himself

You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships...?

So they can see the old Iran navy.

Middle hut

A man was stranded on a desert island for 20 years when a navy ship finally spots him. The captain comes ashore and notices three huts. What are they used for? the captain asks.


Well, the hut one on the left is where I live, says the man. and the one on the right is where I go to church.


So what about that hut in the middle?


The man sneers, That's the church I used to attend!

A Navy Aircraft carrier and its entourage were traversing out at sea when they get a signal of an approaching mass.

They comm it and express for them to move out of their way they were on a mission of high importance. "Negative sir we cannot accommodate your request" The admiral quite taken aback exclaims that "Its not a request son, this is the United States Navy Aircraft carrier Ronald Reagan flanked by two naval war ships and a submarine. I repeat edit your bearings and move out of our way!" "Negative sir, were a lighthouse, so its your call!"

(Someone told that this actually happened one time)