naval Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious naval puns

AMA: I am a submarine naval commander discharged for friendly fire in an underwater sea battle

Oops, wrong sub.

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What do you call a sea Captain's hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons?

*A novel naval navel novel.*

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An Air Force pilot, a Naval Officer and an Army Private all go to the bathroom

When they come out, the Air Force pilot begins thoroughly washing his hands and says,
'In the Air Force they taught us the importance of good hygiene.'

The Naval officer then begins washing his hands using only a small trickle of water and says,
'In the Navy they taught us the importance of good hygiene AND water conservation.'

The army private walks straight out without stopping and says,
'In the Army they taught us to not piss on our hands.'

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Navy biscuits

An Admiral visited one of the ships of the line under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia.

Horrified the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, If that's the way you feel, sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

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A naval officer and a pirate meet in an inn...

The naval officer notices that the pirate has a wooden leg, hook hand, and eyepatch. They begin chatting over drinks, and the officer asks, "So, how did you get the wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "We were caught in a big storm at sea and I got swept overboard into shark-infested waters. And one of the sharks bit my leg off."

"Man, that sucks," the officer remarked, "but why do you have a hook for a hand?"

"It was sliced off by an enemy swordsman when my ship tried to take their ship."

"How terrible!" the man exclaimed. "And the eyepatch?"

The pirate sighed. "Seagull poop fell into me eye."

The man said disbelievingly, "You lost your eye to seagull shit?"

The pirate replied, "Well, it was me first day with the hook!"

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Biscuits & Doughnuts

An Admiral visits one of the ships under his command. While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the US Naval Insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command. The cook replied, "Well Admiral, after each one is cut out I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the insignia".

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims "That's very unhygienic!"

The cook shrugs and replies "In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the Doughnuts".

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First day at Navy school.

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up after?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

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An Admiral visited one of the ships under his command.

While eating breakfast with the crew he was impressed to see the Naval insignia stamped on every biscuit.

He went to the Chief cook to ask how this feat was done, so it could be used on other ships under his command.

The Chief replied, "I'd be glad to share that with you, Admiral. After each biscuit is cut, I just slap it here against my belt buckle which bears the Navy insignia."

Horrified, the Admiral exclaims, "That's very unhygienic!"

The Chief shrugs and replies, "Well, if that's the way you feel, Sir, I suggest you avoid the donuts."

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Help! I need activity suggestions. I'm going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He's a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic.

What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??

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That's my plan and I'm sticking to it.

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

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What did the New Zealand naval officer say to his crew?

All hands on dick....

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The US Navy

Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadians: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

Americans: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadians: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."

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Where do they store surplus belly buttons?

The naval reserve.

^^^I'm ^^^so ^^^sorry...

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No kidding

After graduating from the Naval Academy, my first ship I was assigned to was a battleship. The captain briefed us on our duties and then we disembarked. It was a very uneventful mission. We went. We did what we needed to do. We came back. When we got back, the captain had all of the newbies tie down the ship while he sat on the deck, drinking a beer. After a few minutes, a particularly spunky recruit walked over to him and asked him, "Why do we have to tie down the whole ship, while you're sitting here doing Jack shit?!" The captain slowly stood up, towering over the seaman. "Because that's my job." Defiantly, the sailor responded, "Oh yeah?" The captain replied, "Yeah. I shit, you knot."

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Captain of a Ship..

Captain of a Naval ship spots pirates on the horizon, He calls the men to arms and asks "Quick men, Bring me my red shirt." Just before they encounter the pirates he puts on the Red Shirt, they fight, the win the battle.

That night while celebrating the victory some of the crew members ask the Captain "Why do you always wear the red shirt into battle?"

"Well, If the worst should happen and i get wounded, i do not want my men to see me weak, so i wear a red shirt so no one can see me bleed." the captain responded.

'Wow' they thought, our captain is really a great leader.

A few days later as they searched, they came across a fleet of pirate ships, dozens over dozens of pirate ships. Worse, the pirates were headed their way. The Captain called they to arms and say "Quick men, bring me my brown pants."

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What happened to the Naval officer who tried to buy used tampons from his female subordinates?

He was given a bloody discharge.

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A newly married couple is about to have sex for the first time...

The husband says "What kind of woman are you? No naval, no breasts..."

The wife says "Get off my back."

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What do a battleship and a belly button ring have in common?

They're both Naval units.

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Why do they carry Marines around on Naval ships?

Because sheep would be too obvious.

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Putin denies Russian naval exercises in Finnish waters, claims that sonar readings "were misinterpreted".

Whoops, wrong sub.

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What do you call the head of an Orange juice factory?

Chief Naval Officer

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Who authorizes all U.S. naval special operations?

The SEAL of approval.

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Admirals daughter

She was only the Admirals daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen.

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BREAKING NEWS: A Red Cruise ship and a Blue Naval Vessel have collided in the Caribbean...

...and the survivors are marooned.

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Why did the Naval Inspector fail the submarine?

Because he found it to be SUB-standard.

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How do you pray the god of war in a naval battle?

You warship it

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Why was the umbilical cord sad?

He got cut from the naval base.

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How were naval losses announced in the Soviet Union?

"Comrade Stalin, seven of our destroyers have been recommissioned as submarines!"

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English food and English women

the two factors that made the greatest naval explorers the world has ever seen

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A Pirate Captain Spots a Naval Ship On The Horizon

... He turns to his first mate and says "Get me my red shirt!". The first mate asks why and the captain replies, "If I get injured in battle I wouldn't want my crew to worry about me". The first mate nods and fetches the shirt.

The pirates engage the naval ship but soon discover it was a the flagship of a much larger naval fleet that was heading in their direction.

The captain turns to his first mate and says "Fetch me my brown pants!"

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A Sailor stands at the bar having a drink, swaying back and forth.

A Mexican man notices this, approaches the sailor and asks him'

"Ey, Mang, why you move'n back n' forth like that?"

The sailor responds "Well, I spend the past 20 years on a Naval ship at sea. I suppose my body just got used to motion"

The Mexican man replies "Okay mang, but I got thirteen kids, you don't see me a walkin' like this" (Swinging hips back and forth)

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How to you tell a naval officer from and RAF officer on an aircraft carrier?

The naval officer is trying to feed bread to the helicopters!

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A Marine and an Ensign take a piss

They finish around the same time. The Marine goes to the sink, but the Ensign heads for the door.

"Hey, you," the Marine says, "You went through four years at the Naval Academy and they never taught you to wash your hands?"

The Ensign replies, "You went through six years of high school and never learned to piss without getting it on your hands?"

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What do sailors eat for breakfast?

Naval oranges

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What do you call a Naval officer who's in to BDSM?

A Sub-marine.

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What are the most funny Naval jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Naval? Well, here are the best Naval dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Naval pick up lines to share with friends.

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