Naughty Jokes

What are some Naughty jokes?

Who wears a red suit and knows if you were naughty or nice?

The Spanish Inquisition.

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees *tons* of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.

The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "*Oh my god!* What should we do about this?!

The father replied "We shouldn't spank him, that's for sure."

Where do naughty rays of light go?

Prism

(Note: I made this joke up. Sorry if this little note refracts from the humour.)

Why is Santa Claus always so Jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

I would like to be Santa Claus

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

I am faced with a Christmas dilemma

If I tell Santa what I want for Christmas, then I'll definitely be on the naughty list.

Why does Santa have the best job in the world?

He knows where all the naughty girls live

"What's your favourite position?" asked my date.

I said, "It's the spider."


She said, "I don't know it."


"Well," I said, "it's when I stand in a corner of the room and you scream naughty things at me."

What did JFK say before going to visit Marilyn Monroe?

I choose to go to Marilyn's hotel room this night and do the naughty things, not because she is easy, but because I am hard.

Why does everyone think China's first lady is so naughty?

Because that's what Xi said.

Protesting dirty jokes

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Wanna hear a period joke?

What do periods and Santa have in common?
Neither comes if you have been naughty.

As an artist, it doesn't matter if Im naughty or nice for Christmas.

Either way, Im getting charcoal.

Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.

He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"

Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.

Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"

It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."

His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."

About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"

A boy told his teacher he wanted to be Santa.

"Why so? It seems like a lot of work." said the teacher.

"Because Santa knows where all the naughty girls live."

When I was a kid my parents would warn me if I was naughty the boogie man would get me

I was never scared though, I loved disco music

Osama, Ghaddafi, and Kim Jong Il?

Santa must be taking his naughty list a tad seriously this year.

Why Santa got involved with Christmas

Mrs. Clause overheard Santa on the phone:

Santa: Have you been naughty? ….That actually sounds nice. You can sit on my lap and tell me what you want while those wet stockings dry ….. I want to (come) down your chimney and eat your (cookie). What kind of (toys) should I bring?…. Yes, I'd love to see how you trimmed your (fir) … I just want to unload my (sack) when I see an angel on top.

Now, every year he has to keep doing the bullshit lie he told.

There's a sexy new teacher at school

In grammar class, she asks who can say a sentence including an expression of politeness. Naughty Johnny raises his hand.

'I would be most delighted to make out with you Miss Campbell... and bang you, too!'

Miss Campbell blushes and yells:

'Out!'

Naughty Johnny gets his things and walks towards the door, when suddenly Miss Campbell says:

'Not you... the others!'

Why is Santa Claus so jolly?

He knows where all the naughty girls live.

I actually heard this in the video game LA Noire. Thought it was pretty funny so I bust it out every Christmas.

I like to abuse drugs.

Nothing more satisfying than tying up the bottle, smacking it around a bit, and calling it a very naughty pill.

Why did Hitler not mind being on the naughty list?

He needed more coal anyway.

Why does Santa always have a smile on his face?

'Cause He knows where all the naughty girls live

i asked my wife to send me a naughty picture on snapchat...

so she sent one of our kids playing in my electronics drawer

A naughty child

A naughty child was irritating all the passengers on the flight from London to New York.
At last one man could stand it no longer.
"Hey kid," he shouted.
"Why don't you go outside and play?"

Why did the naughty child not get electrocuted when he stuck a fork in the socket?

Because he was grounded!


(I'll see myself out)

What does a Muslim meme lord call his naughty girlfriend?

Haram bae.

Santa Claus is such and arsehole

He know where all the naughty girls are, but doesn't tell anyone else.....

Kevin spacey got turn down to play Santa.

Apparently they didn't trust him with the naughty list.

Two synonymous sentences could have absolutely different meanings.

1. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
2.Sorry daddy, I've been naughty.

A couple was walking on a beach when one tripped over a bottle and a genie came out.

You can each have one wish, said the genie. The wife made her wish first I would like to travel around the world, with my husband, .

Suddenly there appeared in her hand two tickets for travel around the world. Now it was the husbands turn, Well said the husband, with a naughty look on his face I wish I can have a younger companion, .

The words were barely out of his mouth when poof, he aged 20 years!

The difference between being naughty and being kinky

Is whether you by your gear at an adult shop or home depot

My 4 year old son almost ordered "naughty nurses" for $14.99 from cable on-demand.

Glad I stopped him, because I already own the DVD.

Little Johnny is at it again.

Little Johnny was sent home early from school one day. He had been very, very naughty with his classmate, Mary Jane. Little Johnny's mom was very upset with this news and she warned Johnny he was surely going to get it when his father got home.
Little Johnny's dad finally came home from work and right away mom told him Johnny was caught having sex with Mary Jane at school. And she started to cry her eyes out.
Johnny's dad ran to the kitchen and made a huge ruckus looking through the cupboards. The mom stood nearby wondering what was happening. Finally, Little Johnny's dad found what he wanted and he picked up a large cast iron frying pan. He loudly told his wife to get out of the way but she started crying louder begging the dad to please not hurt Little Johnny. After all he was just a young boy. Johnny's dad said, "Hurt him be damned. I'm not going to hit him. I'm going to fry him up a steak and some eggs. The poor kid can't screw on Corn Flakes!"

A man goes to church for confession....

A man goes to Church to confess..............

Man: Hi Father, my five years old Son is very naughty.
He made all the female servants pregnant.

Father: Incredulously, and how on earth did he do it???

Man: He took a pin and punched holes in all my condoms

Pre-

Hey Santa?

Once you're done delivering presents, can I have the naughty list?

Why didn't Santa ever bring Captain Nemo any presents?

Because Nemo was always on the Nautilus (Naughty List). My 8 year old came up with that one.

Naughty Professor

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Was Hitler on Santa's Naughty or Nice list?

Both. He was on the "Naughtcy" list.

Mr Sine and Miss Cosine go on their honeymoon..

Mr Sine and Miss Cosine get married and head for their honeymoon to a seaside destination. So they're chilling by the beach, and sipping on their drinks, and things get naughty soon. During a lovemaking session on the beach, Sine whispers into Cosine's ear, "It's a good thing I'm not on top, or we'd both be tanned".

"I've been a naughty, naughty girl" she said to me, biting her lower lip, "and I need to be punished"

So I installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

Santa probably regrets giving coal

Santa Claus probably regrets giving coal to naughty children now that global warming is threatening his habitat.

A young couple are showering together

A young couple are showering when the girlfriend says, "Honey I want you to do something naughty."
The boyfriend agrees.
He then proceeds to drop shampoo in her left eye.

What happened to the naughty wire?

It was grounded...

A little girl came home from sunday school and told her dad, "Daddy, the priest made me do something naughty today"

"WHAT??? WHAT HAPPENED???", he bellowed.

"Well, he took me back to his room and told me to take off my dress" said the girl.

"AND THEN WHAT??", he asked, his face turning purple.

"He took off his robe"

"HE DID WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT?", he demanded, starting to breathe heavily

"Well, that was it" said the girl.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? MAKE SOMETHING UP, THEN, I'M ALMOST FINISHED!!!"

Why did Santa go to jail?

Several young women came out saying that santa asked them if they were naughty or nice when they were on his lap

There's only one thing I want for Chistmas...

Santa's list for naughty girls

I don't know why everyone is complaining about gender inequality in the film industry . . .

Just the other day I saw *several* movies starring women in a variety of roles, such as a teacher, a pizza delivery girl, and a naughty horse trainer.

Do you know why is Santa Clause is jolly all the time?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls are.

Which is a good thing because he only comes once a year.


*Heard this from an old white guy in the sauna today lol.*

What drink does Santa give to naughty children?

Coala

Why is one thousand million billion trillion so bad?

It's very naughty

Naughty Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with

your gun, how many would be left?"

"None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three

women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one

Licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her

cone, which one is married?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But

I like the way you are thinking".

The Teacher Fainted...

Why is santa claus always happy?

Because he knows the addresses of the naughty girls.

(source: My friend who probably found it from the internet)

The naughty librarian showed me..

The do me decimal system... And I'm all in.

Mosquito

A couple went 2 see a film at a theatre...

A mosquito enters the girl's skirt..

Guess where it bites?
.
.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Dirty Mind...
Always thinking bad and naughty......
.

.

It bites the BOY'S HAND...!

What did the mother turkey say to her naughty son Tom?

If your dad knew how you were acting he'd roll over in his gravy?

Where does naughty soup go?

To the brothel

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more naughty in bed

But now she wants me to give her toys back.

Wanna hear a dirty joke?

John got dirty.

Wanna hear a clean joke?

John took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a naughty joke?

Bubbles was the girl next door.

Sweet Wife: Do you love me....

Sweet Wife: Do you love me just because my father left a lot of money for me?
Naughty Husband: Not-at-all honey. I would love you no matter who left money for you.

Dirty Christmas jokes

Why is Santa so jolly?
He knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why Hasn't Santa got any kids?
He only comes once a year and that's down a chimney

Please add more!

Why did Horse Santa put his dentist on the naughty list?

You don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

What did the mother say to the naughty fetus?

Stay in your womb!

Naughty Limerick

There was once a man of great fame,


Who thought every beast he could tame.


But deep in his soul,


The man was a troll,


And that's how you just lost the game.

Why was the dog a naughty boy?

He was sending unsolicited stick pics.

So if we get our mouth washed out with soap for saying naughty words, Should we get our hands washed for typing them?

Should we get our hands washed for typing them?

What's the difference between a knight in shining armour and a naughty baker

A knight in shining armour darts on the foe

Naughty Mom!

Son- Mom..
Mom- yes... :-)

S- Y my cousin named diamond ?

M- Coz ur aunt loves diamond.

S- And what about me ?

M- enough questions Dicky..!!

If you are naughty...

Santa gives you something hard and black

How to make Naughty jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Naughty to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Naughty? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Naughty pick up lines to share with friends.

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