Named Jokes

A man has three daughters...

One of them goes up to him one day and says, "Daddy, why was I named Rose?" The dad replies, "Because when you were born, a rose petal fell onto your head.
A second daughter asks him, "Daddy, why was I named Daisy?" And the dad replies, "Because when you were born, a daisy petal fell onto your head."
His last daughter says, "Guuuuaaaahuuugghhhhhppoakkk!" And the dad says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.

A gang of snails approach him and beat him up. Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station. Herman walks into the Sergeant's office.
"What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?"
"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

2 cats are racing across the English Channel,

an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux t**...." Which cat won the race?
A: The English cat. Un deux t**... cat sank.

So there's this girl named Mary...

1. Mary meets a guy named Joseph
2. Mary ends up pregnant
3. ???
4. Prophet

So you like limericks, huh?

On the Breast of a woman named Gale
was tattooed the price of her tail
and on her behind
for the sake of the blind
was the same information in braile.

How Long is a Chinese name

* That's the joke.
* You have people thinking about how to answer how long the name is. When the actual joke is that the Chinese person is named How Long.
* It's pretty funny to see peoples reactions to this joke and to see how they reply to it when all you're really making is a statement.

A woman has twins...

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." '

A little girl asks her father how she got her name

"well honey a rose petal landed on your head as we were carrying you out of the hospital, so we named you rose."
his younger daughter runs up to him "and how did i get my name daddy?"
"well honey a lily petal landed on your head as we were carrying you out of the hospital, so we named you lily."
his son comes runnign up to him and yells "huuuuuuuuuuur flugerr dhuuuur"
"shut up cinder block"

Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a wedding cake shop...

To plan for their upcoming nuptials. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage we won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

So, a one-h**... camel marries a two-h**... camel, and they have a baby, but the baby didn't have a h**....

So they named him Humphrey.

Canine Names

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the second blonde responded. "They're watch dogs!"

There were two sisters

There were two sisters named Petal and Fridge.
One day Petal was curious and asked her father, "Why was I named Petal?"
His response was, "Well, when you were a baby a flower petal fell on you."
Then Fridge says, "BLARGHHHALHGLAHG".

There once was a boy named "Odd."

People made fun of him because of his name, so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women.

Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?

There Once Was A Poet Named Bates,

His poems weren't always first rate,
His first lines weren't bad, but the problem he had,
Was that he always tried to put too many syllables into the last line.

Two l**... named Rachel walk in to a bakery...

To buy a cake for their upcoming wedding. After learning that the cake will be for their own wedding, the baker refuses service. Offended, the couple can't believe the guy is so opposed to gay marriage that he won't even bake a cake. The baker replies, "No no I'm fine with gay marriage-- I just can't support inter-Rachel marriage."

(posted before but I felt it was an appropriate time for it to rerun.)

A boy was born of an Indian, Chinese, Irish, and Italian grandmother...

They couldn't settle on a name, until it hit them!
They named him Ravi O. Lee
Sorry

The sonicare toothbrush is named after the words I never heard my father say.

Why are so many Italian men named Tony?

When they ship them over from the Old Country, they stamp "To N.Y." on them...

I named my son Gram

It's short for Grammar because he was supposed to be a period.

A man is following the Oregon Trail. He meets a man named Terry...

"Terry? What a s**... name!"
Terry killed him.
He died from dissin' Terry.

They say that a person's surname is named after whatever their ancestors did to make a living

I feel sorry for the guy who's dad was the first person to be called "Dickinson"

A lawyer named Strange died.

His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks by," he explained "they'll be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

Strange trend at my office...

People are naming food in the break room refrigerator. Today I ate a sandwich named "Kevin".

A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out.

A mother skunk had two kids that she named In and Out. Whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.
One day Out was in but she couldn't find In anywhere. She looked everywhere for In; up, down, left, right, but she could not find In. Finally she asked Out to find In, and Out went right to where In was hiding. When the mother skunk asked Out how he knew where to find In, he replied
"Easy. Instinct."

Why are hurricanes named with female names?

Because when they come, they are wet and wild and when they leave they take your house and car with them.

My wife and I just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust.

We call her Summer for short.

Congratulations West Ham

The only club named after two things that ISIS hate.

I named my dog WiFi

Because I stole it from my neighbor

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans...

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water.

"Anybody here named Jeff?"

Jeff: "Yes"
Geoff: "Yeos"

What's in a name?

A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. She awakens and frantically calls for her doctor. "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're fine," he says. "Your brother named them."
Oh, no, the new mother thinks. He's an idiot. Expecting the worst, she asks, "What's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
Not bad, she thinks. I guess I was wrong about him. "And the boy?"
"DeNephew."

I told my girlfriend I was named after Thomas Jefferson.

She said, "Your name is Brian."
I said, "Right. But I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson."

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose...

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!

A man named Eric Cole...

... discovered that there was a direct correlation between the amount of mayonnaise on his cabbage salad and how good it tastes.
He's calling this correlation Cole's Law.

Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.

They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!

Our family surname is Daniels

So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.
She hates it.

I met a woman with 8 sons named Joe...

I met a woman with 8 sons named Joe;
I said, "They're all named Joe?"
She said "Yeah it's great! When it's time for dinner I just have to yell "Joe! Dinner!" and they all come running.
I said, "but what do you do if you just want one of them?"
She said, "Oh then I just use their last name."

So an African woman named Betty walked into a butcher and asked if they had beef.

The Butcher replied "No, Black Betty, ham or lamb."

There's a mouse named In and a mouse named Out. How does Out know that In has died?

Instincts

So there's these two beavers...

one is named Joe and the other, Steven. Joe and Steven have a fire. Joe decides he's hungry so he grabs a pan and some sticks.
Steven runs over and says "Joe what are you doing?" And says "im just grilling up some sticks."
Steven immediately smacks the pan from Joe's paw and says
"JOE THATS A NON STICK PAN"

Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success

And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

Why are most hurricanes named after women?

When they come in, it's exciting and wet, but after they leave, half your s**...'s gone.

Why doesn't the army have anyone named Will?

They were all fired at.

There was a lady with 3 sons, named Rain, Snow and Brick

Rain asked his mom, Why is my name 'Rain'?
Because a raindrop fell on your head when you were born.
Then Snow asked his mom, Why is my name 'Snow'?
Because a snowflake fell on your head when you were born.
Then Brick asked his mom, NYANYANYANYA

Two days ago, I named my WiFi to "Hack it if you can"

Yesterday it was changed to "Challenge accepted"

Son: "Dad why was my sister named Madonna?"

Father: "Because your mother always thought the world needed another Madonna"
Son: "Thanks, dad."
Father: "No problem, Holocaust."

A Russian named Rudolf woke up one morning

He looked out the window and announced, _"It's raining."_
His wife said, _"No dear, it's sleeting."_
He replied, _"Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."_

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin h**... Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

Son: Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?

Dad: She's named after something your mother loves, Easter! It's an anagram.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: No problem Alan.

I'm not bragging, but I made six figures this year…

So they named me the year's worst employee at the toy factory...

If you buy a goat for $10 and named him Mohammed, then sell it for $15.

Did you make a prophet?

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"
Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

I have a horse named Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

I was named after Abraham Lincoln.

People get confused because my name is Kyle Blankinship.
But like I said, I was named after Abraham Lincoln; Not before..

I went to school with a very tall guy named Jimmy Glasscock.

You could always see him coming.

My dad's joke was you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln. (person is confused since his name was Jim.)

He then responds, We'll, I wasn't named before him!

Guy calls in on radio show

**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

I used to have a dog with no legs named Cigarette

And every now and again I would take him out for a drag.

A woman is walking home with her three daughters.

The eldest daughter turns to her and asks, "Mummy, how did I get my name?"
"Well sweetie, when we were bringing you home from the hospital, a rose petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Rose".
The second daughter, now curious, asks the same question.
"Well darling, when we were bringing *you* home from the hospital, a *lily* petal landed on your head! So that's why we named you Lily."
The third girl asks "AAArrgghhrasfdg".
"Shhh, quiet now, Cinderblock".

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to the bank, the man was astonished to find he had $55,555.55 in his bank account. He withdrew the whole amount, dashed back to the races and bet all of it on Pentagram to win. Pentagram, obviously, came in fifth.

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
The other man says, You mean the rose?
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?

Two old men are sitting in the lounge chatting.

The one says, You should try the restaurant my wife and I went to last night. Pricey but well worth the money.
​
Oh, what's it called? asks the other man enthusiastically.
​
His friend thinks for a minute, Uhm…I…er…
​
Obviously having a senior moment he says, What's that flower, you know, war named after it, given out on Valentine's day?
​
The other man says, You mean the rose?
​
His friend lets out a gleeful, Yes! That's it, a rose!
​
He then turns in the chair and calls to his wife, Rose! What's the name of that place we ate at last night?

A man named Jeff was driving down the road when a policeman stopped him.

The officer looked in the back of Jeff's truck and said, Why are these penguins in your truck?
​
Jeff replied, These are my penguins. They belong to me.
​
You need to take them to the zoo, the policeman said.
​
The next day, the officer saw Jeff driving down the road once again. He pulled him over again. He saw the penguins were still in the truck, but they were wearing sunglasses this time. I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo! the officer said.
​
I did, Jeff replied. And today I'm taking them to the beach."

There was a man named peta who was reading a book called "Animals"

He didn't like it so he put it down