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Nails Jokes

165 nails jokes and hilarious nails puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nails that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Need a good laugh? Check out this hilarious collection of jokes about long nails, bed of nails, nine inch nails, hand nails, salons, polish, and pouches. With enough humor for everyone, this article is sure to bring a chuckle. Get your daily dose of laughter now!

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Funniest Nails Short Jokes

Short nails jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nails humour may include short nailing jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture up.
  2. Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword" He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
  3. Chinese New Year, Mardi Gras and valentines day are too close... I don’t know what to paint on my nails.
  4. What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang up the picture of Jesus
  5. The room is 15$ a night. Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night.
    It's $5 if you make your own bed.
    Guest: I'll make my own bed.
    Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
  6. What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only take 1 nail to hang the picture.
  7. Jesus walks into a hotel... He places 3 long nails on the counter and asks - can you put me up for the night?
  8. What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus? You only need one nail for a painting.
  9. Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus It takes 1 nail to hang a picture
  10. Jesus walks into a hotel... He hands the attendant 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"

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Nails One Liners

Which nails one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nails? I can suggest the ones about nail polish and nail and screw.

  1. Please don't make jokes about crucifixion. Unless you really nail the execution.
  2. Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork… Think I nailed it!
  3. What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails
  4. How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin? None. It is all tongue and groove
  5. how do we know that jews crucified Jesus? they used one nail for both legs
  6. My tree went missing..... so I took a picture of it and nailed it to a dog.
  7. some guy told me I was a tool So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend
  8. Jesus was gay. He was nailed by 3 guys.
  9. Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together Totally nailed it
  10. My wife shot me with the nail gun today... She must think I'm a stud!
  11. My boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together. I totally nailed it.
  12. What did roman soldier say on a Good Friday? Nailed it!
  13. What do nervous carpenters do? Bite their nails
  14. What takes many nails to build, but only one screw to use? A crib.
  15. What do underwear and nail varnish have in common? They both come off with alcohol.

Hand Nails Jokes

Here is a list of funny hand nails jokes and even better hand nails puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Jesus Christ walks into a motel and drops a handful of nails on the counter. He asks Can you put me up for the night ?
  • Jesus walks into a bar And hands the innkeeper 3 nails. Can you put me up for the night?
  • So it's the first day of shop class... The teacher asks, "What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."
  • How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles? Nail its other hand down.
  • Why was Jesus against homosexuality? His only experience getting nailed by other dudes was through his hands and feet.
  • Jesus Christ walks into a hotel. He hands the innkeeper 3 nails, and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"
  • So Jesus walks into a hotel... Jesus walks into a hotel and hands the receptionist 3 nails. He asks the receptionist, 'Could you put me up for the night?'
  • I'm worried about my finger nails lately. They are really getting out of hand.
  • Jesus enters the Inn... Hands the Inn Keep 3 nails and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"
  • Jesus walks into a hotel He sets a handful of nails on the counter and says he'd like to be put up for the night.

Nine Inch Nails Jokes

Here is a list of funny nine inch nails jokes and even better nine inch nails puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Whats Jesus' favorite band? Nine Inch Nails
  • TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues It was called Unlicensed Carpentry
  • What is a carpenters favorite band? Nine inch nails.
  • If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don't match up at all It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy
  • What kind of music did Jesus hate? Anything by Judas Priest and Nine Inch Nails.
  • What's Jesus favourite band? Nine Inch Nails
  • What do Nine Inch Nails and Kurt Cobain have in common? Head like a hole
  • How does Trent Reznor's mom hang up his Christmas stocking? With a Nine Inch Nail.
  • i gave my girlfreind my nine inch nail... and we got closer.
Nails joke, i gave my girlfreind my nine inch nail...

Roofing Nails Jokes

Here is a list of funny roofing nails jokes and even better roofing nails puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What does a wife and a tin roof have in common? You better nail both of 'em good or they'll end up at the neighbor's house.
  • What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane? If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor
  • How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Nail a sandwich to the roof.
  • A woman is like the roof of a shed. If you don't nail them hard enough, they'll go next door.
  • politically awesome A white construction worker fell off a high roof into sure death but with his white privilege luckily he got stuck with his eye on a nail.
  • Women's g**... are a lot like a shed roof If you don't nail it hard enough it will end up next door
  • s**... at the construction site I saw a guy on roof nailing some hot shingles.

Bed Of Nails Jokes

Here is a list of funny bed of nails jokes and even better bed of nails puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you'll make your own bed. Guest: I'll make my own bed.
    Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
  • My friends asked me why I haven't tried to get in bed with my Christian girlfriend yet... I told them If I nailed her, Jesus would be crossed
  • Where do fingers sleep? Nail beds.
  • A man drops a nail, which rolls under his bed, so he goes down under. This begs the question of why he decided to go to Australia to get a new nail instead of searching under his bed.
  • Can I c**... in your place tonight? Sure! But you're gonna have to make your own bed Here are the wood planks, the nails and the toolbox
    ^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry

Long Nails Jokes

Here is a list of funny long nails jokes and even better long nails puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I asked a fellow church member if I can make jokes about Jesus... They said "As long as you nail it."
  • A walks into a hardware store to get some nails He asks the clerk for some nails and the clerk says "ok sure, how long do you want them?" and the customer says "well I'd like to keep them." : )
  • Jesus Jesus walks into a hotel.
    He slaps three long nails down on the front desk and asks...
    "Can you put me up for the night?
  • Your nails are so long when you come around the corner the police arrested you for dangerous weapons.
Nails joke

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about nails can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of nails puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Howlingly Hilarious Nails Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy

What funny jokes about nails you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean nailed jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make nails prank.

I have ranked the greatest musicians of all time in order:

Nelly
Erika Badu
Vanilla Ice
Eminem
Rhianna
Green Day
Oasis
Nirvana
Nine inch Nails
Aerosmith
George Strait
Ilene Woods
Vince Gill
Enya
Yoko ono
Otis Redding
U2
Uncle Kracker
Pappa Roach
It is okay if you disagree just let me know, but first read the first letter of each line only.

Jewish ad campaign

Old man Moskowitz was getting along in years. He decided to retire and let his 3 sons run the company (which manufactured a wide variety of nails). The sons thought they could increase market-share with some judicious billboard advertising.
Only a week later the old man was taking his usual Sunday drive in the country when he saw the first billboard ad. There it was - a picture of Christ on the Cross, with the caption: "Nails for Every Purpose. Use Moskowitz Nails."
The old man immediately met with his 3 sons to voice his concern. He explained that the backlash could be horrendous. The company could be ruined. The sons agreed to discontinue that ad.
A week later the old man was again taking his usual Sunday drive when he saw the second billboard ad. There it was - - a picture of the same cross, empty, with Christ crumpled on the ground below... and the caption: "Next Time Use Moskowitz Nails."

Lover's Lane

A cop comes upon a car parked late one night on Lover's Lane. Upon further investigation he finds a male subject reading a book in the front seat and a female subject filing her nails in the back seat.
The cop asks the guy, "What are you doing up here?"
"I'm reading a book sir."
"Uh-huh. And what's she doing?" the cop inquires, motioning toward the back seat.
"Well clearly, sir, she is filing her nails."
With a puzzled look on his face, the cop says, "In the 13 years I've been a cop I've never seen anything like this on Lover's Lane. How old are you son?"
"I'm 20."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in about 15 minutes she'll be 18."

Goldberg opens a hardware store.

To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: They used Goldberg's nails.
His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"
So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: They didn't use Goldberg's nails.

Congratulations to Snooki who gave birth today to a baby boy...

5 NJ High School rings, 2 condoms, and 12 press on nails.

l**...' flooring

Q. Why aren't there any nails in a lesbian's floor?
A. They're all laid with tongue and groove.

Jesus walks.....

Jesus walks into a holiday inn, tosses three nails on the counter and asks, " Can you put me up for the night?"

What do you call a Nun that bites her nails?

A bad Habit.
I'll see myself out.

I finally stopped my roomate from biting his nails.

All i had to do was make him wear shoes.

A blonde and her friend...

Are recently hired putting up siding on a house. They're working on opposite sides so the first one goes to check on the second. She watches as she pulls a nail from her bag, lookas at it, and throws it away. She hollers up and asks what that was about. The second blonde says some of the nails are defective. The point is facing the wrong way so she throws those out. The first blonde says, " You idiot! They aren't defective, they're for the other side of the house "

A duck walks into a bar...

Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No mate, this is a bar
Duck: Got any bread ?
Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?

Two guys from the mentally challenged ethnic group of your choice are building a house

One notices that the other is discarding half of the nails that he pulls out of his pouch.
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"
"The head is on the wrong end."
"Don't throw them away, you idiot! Those are for the other side of the house!"

Did you hear about the house built by l**...?

There are no nails, screws, or studs and it's all tongue and groove.

How does a rock star feel when he nails a groupie?

Fan-f**...-tastic!

Jesus walks into a boarding house....

Jesus walks into a boarding house. He puts three nails down on the counter and asks "Can you put me up for the night?"

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some grapes. The bartender says, "no this is a bar. We do not sell grapes."
So the next day the duck walks into the bar and asks for some grapes. By this time the bartender gets very mad and says, "if you ask me for grapes again. I'll nail you to the bench."
The following day the duck walks in and asks for some nails and the bartender says "no."
So the duck was like oh sweet.. Got any grapes?

Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter?

He couldn't remove three nails to save his life

It takes many nails to build a crib...

...but only one screw to fill it.

What do nails like to do on the weekend?

Get hammered.

A monkey walks into a bar...

...and asks the bartender:
- Do you have bananas?
- No.
- Do you have bananas?
- I said, no.
- Do you have bananas?
- No, are you deaf or what? If you ask me one more time if I have bananas, I'll NAIL your tongue at the counter!
- ... Do you have nails?
- No.
- Do you have bananas?

A Duck walks into a Bar

Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No, and if you keep asking, I'll nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?

Did you hear about the nun that bites her nails?

You can say she has a bad habit.

2 blondes are hammering nails into the side of a garage...

One of them has a problem. She holds each nail in place, but ends up tossing every other one on the ground. Finally she says "Hey, half of these nails are bad - the sharp end is pointing away from the wall!"
The other blonde replied "You idiot, those are for other side of the building!"

The best way I found to stop biting my nails was..

To stop buying toilet paper.

I saw two wnba tickets nailed to a fence today

It's my lucky day! Free nails.

I used to file my nails

Now I just chuck them away

I always wanted a skateboard.

So one day I asked my mom for a skateboard. She said no as it was too expensive. So I came up with an idea to resolve my problem - I grabbed a plank of wood and some nails.
And beat her to death.

A duck walks into a bar.

A duck walks into a bar.
It asks the barkeeper: Do you have bread?
Bartender: No.
Duck: Do you have bread?
-
Bartender: NO!
-
Duck: Do you…
Bartender: LISTEN! I HAVE NO BREAD AND IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA NAIL YOU TO THAT WALL!!!
Duck: Do you have nails?
Bartender: NO!
Duck: Do you have bread?

I just walked past White Hart Lane and found 3 Spurs season tickets nailed to a wall.

I thought of having them.
Nails always come in handy.

Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he's called a stud...

...but when he nails a ton of studs, he's in construction?

My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

So Jesus walked into a hotel...

Walks up to the registration desk, lays down a few nails and says "can you put me up for the weekend? "

It takes a lot of nails to put together a crib

But it only takes one screw to fill it

I went fishing and caught a bass, a catfish and a hammerfer.

What's a hammerfer? Fer driving nails.
My 8year old friend thinks this is the greatest joke, I thought so too when I was his age.

How are women and bass guitars similar.

It's a good idea to trim your nails before f**... them.

Next time someone asks you if you have found Jesus:

"Have you found Jesus?"
"d**..., did you guys lose him again? Seriously, start using bigger nails."

Next time someone asks you if you've found Jesus

Tell them that it wasn't your turn to watch him, and they should have used bigger nails.

Why is Bill Cosby so good at Fantasy drafts?

He always nails the sleepers

Jesus walks into a hotel

He throws 3 nails on the counter and says "put me up for the night"

Why do nails bang their heads?

Because they're metal.

Jesus walks into a hotel

Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails onto the counter and says "hey buddy, can you put me up for the night?"

A Blacksmith in Ancient Palestine asks his Apprentice, "where are the nails?"

Once in Ancient Palestine a Blacksmith walks into his shop one morning to find his apprentice sharpening blades and kindling the forge. As the Blacksmith searched the shelves he couldn't find the nails. He asked his apprentice, "I've been searching for them all morning. Where are the nails?"
The Apprentice looked up solemnly and replied, "They're in God's hands now."

Why didn't Jesus ever get his nails painted?

He had a hard time getting them out from the cross.

A guy walks into a bar....

Asks the bar tender for a shot of whiskey, v**... and brandy.
Nails the three shots and proceeds to say "I shouldn't have done that with what I've got! "
The bar tender replies "why, what have you got?"
"One pound" the man replies....

Jesus Christ walks into an inn...

... he puts three nails on the innkeeper's table and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Jesus walks into an Inn and slams down three nails on the bar...

Can you put me up for the night?

Why do women have sharper nails?

Because they're trying to make a point.

If while building a wood project you find that many of your nails are pointed on the wrong end

Don't throw them away. Save them for the opposite side of the project.

Jesus goes into a hotel.

He hands the clerk three nails and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"

Two Irishmen are nailing a floor

Patty picks up a nail, looks at it and throws it away. He picks up another, looks at it and throws it away as well. m**... sees him and asks what he's doing.
Patty - Them nails were no good, they were upside down.
m**... - You idiot, save those ones for the roof...

A duck walks into a bar.

The duck says "got any grapes?" "No" says the bartender. The duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day. "Got any grapes?" "Still no" replies the bartender. The duck leaves. The duck comes back a third day and asks the bartender "hey, got any grapes?" "No" says the bartender "and if you ask me again, I'll nail you feet to the ceiling."
"Got any nails?" "No."
"Got any grapes?"

A man walks into a hardware store

So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:
A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em
Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)

Jesus saw a crying old man while walking in a desert.

He came closer and asked what problem is.
Old man: I'm looking for my son, but I'm gonna lose my hope.
Jesus pitied the man and said, let's look for your son together.
After some time, Jesus asked him that if he has some birthmark or else to recognize him more easily.
Yes, said the old man. He had nails driven on his hands and feet.
Jesus started and hugged the man, saying FATHER!
The old man screamed happily, PINOCCHIO!

It's been 10 years since I quit bitting my nails.

Once I hit my mid twenties I was no longer flexible enough to reach my toes.

I'm Vietnamese and if I got a nickel for every time someone asked me if I do nails...

I wouldn't have to do nails anymore.

After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails.

She's hidden his teeth.

Two blondes are building a house

As they're hammering away, one blonde notices that the other is discarding every other nail she picks up.
Blonde 1: What are you doing?!
Blonde 2: These nails are no good. The pointy part is on the wrong end.
Blonde 1: You d**...! Those are for the other side of the house!

A duck goes to a green grocer

He asks ya got any grapes? The shopkeeper says no the duck asks ya got any grapes? The shopkeeper says no and the duck asks you got any grapes? The shopkeeper is very annoyed at him and says If you ask if I have any grapes one more time I'll nail your head to my counter! The duck asks ya got any nails? And the shopkeeper says no so the duck asks ya got any grapes

Jesus walks into a Inn with 4 nails.....

He asks the Inn keeper
"Is this enough to put me up for the night?"

How do nails feel when they are drunk?

Hammered.

Jesus walked into a motel 6

And said Sorry innkeeper I don't have any money, but I have 3 nails. Can you put me up for the night?

Tetanus isn't actually caused by rusty objects, but by bacteria in dirt, which we often associate with rusty nails and tools that can introduce the bacteria through wounds.

This is why tetanus vaccines are so important. For anti-vaxxers, that truth could be hard to s**....
Any appreciation for lockjaw puns?

A duck walks into a bar

Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No, and if you ask me that again I'll nail your beak to the bar!!
Got any nails?
No!
Got any bread?

Jesus Christ walks into a hotel...

He goes up to the receptionist, hands her three nails and a hammer and asks Can you put me up for the night?

Did you hear about the log cabin that was build by l**...?

There were no nails used, it was all tongue and groove.

Reckless Driving

A man was driving on the highway when all of a sudden he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck that was in front of him.
Seconds later, a police office pulled him over for reckless driving.
As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.
"I had to swerve otherwise I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.
"OK," replied the officer, as he ripped up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."
"What for?!"
"Tacks evasion."

Why did Jesus go to the salon?

To get his nails done

Nails joke, Why did Jesus go to the salon?

jokes about nails

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these nails jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.