Nail Jokes
174 nail jokes and hilarious nail puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nail that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From the silliest to the most outrageous, find out the best nail jokes around. Whether it be a joke about a hammer and nail, a long nail, a rusty nail and more, you'll be sure to have a laugh with these bad nail jokes. Even jokes about INRI, manicurists and hammers are included! Read on for a great time.
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Funniest Nail Short Jokes
Short nail jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nail humour may include short toes jokes also.
- What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture up.
- Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword" He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
- Chinese New Year, Mardi Gras and valentines day are too close... I don’t know what to paint on my nails.
- The room is 15$ a night. Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night.
It's $5 if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood. - Jesus walks into a hotel... He places 3 long nails on the counter and asks - can you put me up for the night?
- Jesus walks into a hotel... He hands the attendant 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
- I made a Jesus joke today... And I completely nailed it.
(Please don't crucify me this was just for a pun) - The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- I just walked past White Hart Lane and found 3 Spurs season tickets nailed to a wall. I thought of having them.
Nails always come in handy. - My religious studies professor assigned an essay about the last days of Christ. I totally nailed it.
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Nail One Liners
Which nail one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nail? I can suggest the ones about glue and nickle.
- Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork… Think I nailed it!
- What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails
- how do we know that jews crucified Jesus? they used one nail for both legs
- My tree went missing..... so I took a picture of it and nailed it to a dog.
- Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together Totally nailed it
- What did roman soldier say on a Good Friday? Nailed it!
- What do nervous carpenters do? Bite their nails
- What takes many nails to build, but only one screw to use? A crib.
- What do underwear and nail varnish have in common? They both come off with alcohol.
- Crucifixion of Jesus was not an easy task... ... however Romans nailed it.
- Did you know that as Christ was getting nailed to the cross... He actually became holier?
- Why was Jesus such a bad carpenter? He couldn't remove three nails to save his life
- Why did Jesus go to the salon? To get his nails done
- Jesus is doing fantastically well at this crossword He's nailed two across.
- Necrophilia .... the last nail in the coffin.
Nail And Screw Jokes
Here is a list of funny nail and screw jokes and even better nail and screw puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners. I told her yes... and it's riveting.
- So it's the first day of shop class... The teacher asks, "What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."
- Confucius says... it takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.
- Whats better than a nail in a wall? A screw on the floor.
- I kept hitting my fingers while trying to nail a sign to my wall... So I said, "Screw it!"
- Have you seen the nails on Frankenstien's monster? Screws with your head
- I couldn't figure out how the hammer and nails worked... So I just said "Screw it."
- I was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought... Screw it!
- How do you nail an interview with a female interviewer? Try not to screw it up
- Jesus's crucifiers took an opinion poll "Did we screw up our job or did we nail it?".
Nail Gun Jokes
Here is a list of funny nail gun jokes and even better nail gun puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns? I think he would be most strict on nail gun control.
(Credit to Taylor on PKA) - What's Jesus's favorite power tool? A nail gun
- What is Jesus's least favorite type of gun? A nail gun.
Ohhh... that's in bad taste. - A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun. He's okay. He's recovered now.
- What's Jesus favourite gun? A nail gun.
- As a second amendment guy I just don't think Jesus would have a problem with guns. Except nail guns of course
- What was Judas's favorite gun? A nail gun
- What would Jesus actually do? Probably ban nail guns
- If Jesus suddenly appeared today... I bet he would really hate nail guns.
- The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun." I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.
Nail Biting Jokes
Here is a list of funny nail biting jokes and even better nail biting puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails. She's hidden his teeth.
- I finally stopped my roomate from biting his nails. All i had to do was make him wear shoes.
- What do you call a Nun that bites her nails? A bad Habit.
I'll see myself out. - The best way I found to stop biting my nails was.. To stop buying toilet paper.
- Want a surefire trick to break your nail-biting habit? Take up plumbing
- Did you hear about the nun that bites her nails? You can say she has a bad habit.
- I bite my nails, but you would never be able to tell because I wear socks with my sandals
- At 31 years old, I decided to grow up, kick a bad habit and stopped biting my nails. The nosebleeds are getting annoying, though.
- Mom Can we go out and play with granny?
Yes, just don't bite her nails or I'll close the coffin - Why were the Carpenter's teeth so bad? Because he was always biting his nails.
Nail Polish Jokes
Here is a list of funny nail polish jokes and even better nail polish puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you know what do women and nail polish have in common? they both undress with the help
of alchocol - My friend who works as a beautician wants to learn Eastern European languages It sounds challenging, but I know she's going to nail Polish.
- What do you say when a Polish magician performs a magic trick? Nailed it
- All of these women talking about nail polish .. What about the Germans!?
- Nail Polish Remover A job for acetone or Eva Braun.
- What do you call an eastern european manicurist? Nail Polish.
- Meanwhile in Glasgie People are panic buying nail polish, shoe polish, and even furniture polish.
There seems to have been a wee misunderstanding about which polish won't be in the UK soon. - I was so excited when I saw the Nail Polish advertisement Because I want to sleep with this girl from Poland
Hammer And Nail Jokes
Here is a list of funny hammer and nail jokes and even better hammer and nail puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A nail walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat. The bartender says "okay, but no getting hammered."
- Rumour has it... Rumour has it that Jesus got so hammered on good friday that he didn't wake up for 3 days.
(Easter Joke... Nailed it.) - How do nails feel when they are drunk? Hammered.
- What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife? He gets hammered and she gets nailed.
- What do nails like to do on the weekend? Get hammered.
- Whats the difference between my girlfriend and a nail Only one calls the police if I hit it with a hammer
- What did the nail say to the hammer at the bar? "Stop hitting on me!"
- What did the hammer say after a job well done? Nailed it.
- What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss? "Nailed it."
- What did the nail say to the hammer when he got the right answer to the question? You hit the nail on the head!

Amusing & Witty Nail Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about nail you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hammer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nail pranks.
TIL Tom Petty had a brother that owned his own nail salon
Manny Petty
What happend when the bike ran over a nail?
It popped a wheelie.
Dead Baby Jokes Thread!
I assume there's another one of these, but let's bring some freshness. I'll start us off.
Q: How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
A: Nail its other hand to the floor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a wife and a tin roof have in common?
You better nail both of 'em good or they'll end up at the neighbor's house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.
Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!
Shut up and eat what you're told.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming.
Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Honestly, I'm scarred.
How does a Mexican build a house?
Juan nail at a time.
A blonde and her friend...
Are recently hired putting up siding on a house. They're working on opposite sides so the first one goes to check on the second. She watches as she pulls a nail from her bag, lookas at it, and throws it away. She hollers up and asks what that was about. The second blonde says some of the nails are defective. The point is facing the wrong way so she throws those out. The first blonde says, " You idiot! They aren't defective, they're for the other side of the house "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck walks into a bar...
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No mate, this is a bar
Duck: Got any bread ?
Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is a carpenters dream girl?
What is a carpenters dream girl? Flat as a board, skinny as a nail and easy to screw.
Came up with this years ago while waiting for my mom to wake up that morning.
What happened when the bike ran over a nail?
It popped a wheelie.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was fired from my job as a mortician after I was caught having s**... on the job
I guess it was the final nail in the coffin.
I'm going to open a half-assed nail salon...
It's going to be called 'Just The Tips'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my women how I like my wood...
...flat as a board and easy to nail.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A duck walks into a bar
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some grapes. The bartender says, "no this is a bar. We do not sell grapes."
So the next day the duck walks into the bar and asks for some grapes. By this time the bartender gets very mad and says, "if you ask me for grapes again. I'll nail you to the bench."
The following day the duck walks in and asks for some nails and the bartender says "no."
So the duck was like oh sweet.. Got any grapes?
Parents
My father was a dentist and my mother was a manicurist.
For most of their married life they fought tooth and nail.
New carpenter
It's a carpenter's first day on the job building a house. The foreman notices that he looks at each nail before driving it, and throws half of them away.
"Why are you throwing all those nails away?
"The head is on the wrong end."
"You idiot, don't throw those away! Those are for the other side of the house."
In the end, I decided not to visit that new Police Hair & Nail Salon.
You hear all kinds of bad things about Police Beautality.
I'm surprised Apple didn't name their new stylus the Apple Nail so they could put it in Steve Job's coffin
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Duck walks into a Bar
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No, and if you keep asking, I'll nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..
Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young p**... Juan".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
2 blondes are hammering nails into the side of a garage...
One of them has a problem. She holds each nail in place, but ends up tossing every other one on the ground. Finally she says "Hey, half of these nails are bad - the sharp end is pointing away from the wall!"
The other blonde replied "You idiot, those are for other side of the building!"
What do wives and shingles have in common?
if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.
I stepped on a nail the other day
I was going to avoid it but I didn't see the point
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women's g**... are a lot like a shed roof
If you don't nail it hard enough it will end up next door
If a Hammerhead Shark met a Nail Tail Whale..
Would they..Hit it off?
What's the similarity between your wife and a tin roof in a hurricane?
If you didn't nail them properly they'll go see your neighbor
An Artist Gets Mugged...
He goes to the police and draws them a picture.
The policeman says "That's a good picture, we could nail the guy with that."
"I dunno.." Says the rookie besides him. "It seems a bit sketchy."
When the second coming happens...
I imagine jesus will be quite cross with us, even if we do nail it.
Since we're doing old jokes: How do you stop a baby from spinning around in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor.
A dentist and a manicurist stepped into the ring
They fought tooth and nail
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When it comes to s**..., I'm like a nail.
Never getting s**....
I've heard that if all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.
So I'm going to start carrying a speculum.
What does a woman with a missing finger get at the nail salon?
10% off.
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?
Nail a sandwich to the roof.
I got kicked out of my Southern Baptist bible study group
We were wrapping up today's session and our teacher asked the class what type of gun Jesus would have were he around today.
Apparently nail gun was not the right answer
Why do nails bang their heads?
Because they're metal.
What's the similarities between my wife and a nail?
I can't unscrew either of them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked a fellow church member if I can make jokes about Jesus...
They said "As long as you nail it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
Nail its other hand down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend really s**... at carpentry
He walked into Home Depot thinking he needed a screw.
The employee was trying to explain that he needed a nail, and how it even worked
Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer?
Employee: Yes, you hit the nail on the head.
What do these things have in common; chapstick, pencils, pens, hair ties, nail clippers, and socks?
They all almost never lose a game of hide and seek.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mary Magdalene: Hey Jesus, want to try some b**... tonight?
Jesus: Forget the handcuffs. Just nail me.
What kind of gun would Jesus own?
A nail gun. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ya know, him being a carpenter and all.
I've got so many great joke ideas about escaped death row inmates
But I can never nail the execution
It's my dream to open a dentist office/manicure salon
I'm fighting tooth and nail to make it happen
Your mom is a carpenter's dream.
Flat as a board and easy to nail.
A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...
The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"
"Ugh, screw off!"
Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just nailed the boss's daughter
Can't get fired, I'm self employed.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I once dated a twin
Years ago I dated a twin.
My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'
I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a d**...'
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Carpenters
Two carpenters were working on a house. One older one and one newer to the job. They were both working on one side of the house. After a few hours of working the older guy noticed the young guy looking at every nail, then dropping about half. The older one exclaimed about this and asked. Why are you wasting those perfectly good nails? the second guy answered
They're facing the wrong direction!
You idiot! The older man exclaimed. They're for the other side of the house!
My Dentist friend just divorced his wife who is a manicurist
All they did was fight tooth and nail
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen are nailing a floor
Patty picks up a nail, looks at it and throws it away. He picks up another, looks at it and throws it away as well. m**... sees him and asks what he's doing.
Patty - Them nails were no good, they were upside down.
m**... - You idiot, save those ones for the roof...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just accidentally shot my wife in the hand with a nail gun...
Well, that's what she gets for covering her eyes.
My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.
But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.
Martin Luther was amazing at writing essays
He was known to NAIL them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ducks walk into the bar
"Got any bread?"
*No*
"Got any bread?"
*No*
"Got any bread?"
*No and if you ask again, i.ll nail your beak to the bar*
"Got any nails?"
*No*
"Got any bread?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two blondes are building a house
As they're hammering away, one blonde notices that the other is discarding every other nail she picks up.
Blonde 1: What are you doing?!
Blonde 2: These nails are no good. The pointy part is on the wrong end.
Blonde 1: You d**...! Those are for the other side of the house!
I've nailed my Jesus impression...
Down to a T.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A duck walks into a shop got any bread?
Shopkeeper says no .
Duck got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
Shopkeeper: Listen duck, if you ask me once more for bread, I'll nail your beak to the floor .
Duck: Got any nails?
Shopkeeper No .
Duck Got any bread?
I tried to make a joke about crucifixion...
...but it landed on it's face....I just couldn't nail it right.
My family always thought I was a necrophile...
When they found me in my cousin's casket, that was really the nail in the coffin.

