The Best 80 Nail Jokes

Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture only took 1 nail to be hung

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

Outside a PHOTO studio...

We can shoot your wife and also frame your mother-in-law .

On demand we can even nail and hang them.

What happend when the bike ran over a nail?

It popped a wheelie.

How does a Mexican build a house?

Juan nail at a time.

A blonde and her friend...

Are recently hired putting up siding on a house. They're working on opposite sides so the first one goes to check on the second. She watches as she pulls a nail from her bag, lookas at it, and throws it away. She hollers up and asks what that was about. The second blonde says some of the nails are defective. The point is facing the wrong way so she throws those out. The first blonde says, " You idiot! They aren't defective, they're for the other side of the house "

So it's the first day of shop class...

The teacher asks, "What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."

Came up with this years ago while waiting for my mom to wake up that morning.

What happened when the bike ran over a nail?

It popped a wheelie.

Whats the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus.

The painting only takes one nail.

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some grapes. The bartender says, "no this is a bar. We do not sell grapes."
So the next day the duck walks into the bar and asks for some grapes. By this time the bartender gets very mad and says, "if you ask me for grapes again. I'll nail you to the bench."
The following day the duck walks in and asks for some nails and the bartender says "no."
So the duck was like oh sweet.. Got any grapes?

Child: "Mama, I'm tired of running in circles..."

Mom: "Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"

What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns?

I think he would be most strict on nail gun control.

(Credit to Taylor on PKA)

In the end, I decided not to visit that new Police Hair & Nail Salon.

You hear all kinds of bad things about Police Beautality.

What gun would Jesus outlaw first?

A nail gun

I'm surprised Apple didn't name their new stylus the Apple Nail so they could put it in Steve Job's coffin

What's the difference between a prostitute and jesus?

The face they make when you nail them.

How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin?

None. It is all tongue and groove

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

how do we know that jews crucified Jesus?

they used one nail for both legs

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..

Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

I was in shop class in high school and my teacher had a nail, a bolt, and a screw in his hand...

... He asked us if we knew the difference between them. A girl raised her hand and said, "Well, I've never been bolted."

2 blondes are hammering nails into the side of a garage...

One of them has a problem. She holds each nail in place, but ends up tossing every other one on the ground. Finally she says "Hey, half of these nails are bad - the sharp end is pointing away from the wall!"

The other blonde replied "You idiot, those are for other side of the building!"

What do wives and shingles have in common?

if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.

I stepped on a nail the other day

I was going to avoid it but I didn't see the point

Whats better than a nail in a wall?

A screw on the floor.

"Mommy, Mommy! I'm tired of walking around in a circle!"

"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"

An Artist Gets Mugged...

He goes to the police and draws them a picture.

The policeman says "That's a good picture, we could nail the guy with that."

"I dunno.." Says the rookie besides him. "It seems a bit sketchy."

How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?

Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling.

Mommy mommy why do I keep running around in circles?

"Shut up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

In the 80s, my mother thought this was hilarious.

Why is picture of Jesus better than Jesus himself?

You only need one nail to hang up the picture.

What's Jesus's favorite power tool?

A nail gun

Today I met this amazing girl. She was kind, caring, loving. She was like the female Jesus...

...which explains why I wanna nail her.

Kid says Mommy! Mommy! I don't want to keep going I circles.

Mom says shut up or I will nail your other foot to the floor.

Why do nails bang their heads?

Because they're metal.

What happened when the dentist married a manicurist?

They fought tooth and nail.

I asked a fellow church member if I can make jokes about Jesus...

They said "As long as you nail it."

How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?

Nail its other hand down.

My friend really sucks at carpentry

He walked into Home Depot thinking he needed a screw.

The employee was trying to explain that he needed a nail, and how it even worked

Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer?

Employee: Yes, you hit the nail on the head.

What kind of gun would Jesus own?

A nail gun. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ya know, him being a carpenter and all.

It's my dream to open a dentist office/manicure salon

I'm fighting tooth and nail to make it happen

A nail walks into a bar...

What would you like? The bartender asked.

And so the nail ordered many drinks. After a great many drinks the bartender went to approach the nail again and advice him to go home. To his surprise the nail was nowhere to be seen. Naturally, the bartender leaned over the counter to see the nail buried within the floorboards.

My, what's happened here? The bartender asked.

I'm hammered, the nail replied.

What's better to have at home, Jesus or a picture of Jesus?

The picture, it only takes one nail to put it up!

Just nailed the boss's daughter

Can't get fired, I'm self employed.

I once dated a twin

Years ago I dated a twin.

My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'

I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a dick'

My Dentist friend just divorced his wife who is a manicurist

All they did was fight tooth and nail

Necrophilia

.... the last nail in the coffin.

Two Irishmen are nailing a floor

Patty picks up a nail, looks at it and throws it away. He picks up another, looks at it and throws it away as well. Mick sees him and asks what he's doing.
Patty - Them nails were no good, they were upside down.
Mick - You idiot, save those ones for the roof...

I just accidentally shot my wife in the hand with a nail gun...

Well, that's what she gets for covering her eyes.

A duck walks into a bar.

The duck says "got any grapes?" "No" says the bartender. The duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day. "Got any grapes?" "Still no" replies the bartender. The duck leaves. The duck comes back a third day and asks the bartender "hey, got any grapes?" "No" says the bartender "and if you ask me again, I'll nail you feet to the ceiling."

"Got any nails?" "No."

"Got any grapes?"

A nail walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat.

The bartender says "okay, but no getting hammered."

What's the difference between Jesus and the Mona Lisa?

Takes **ONE** nail to hang the Mona Lisa.

I've nailed my Jesus impression...

Down to a T.

Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus

It takes 1 nail to hang a picture

Why is painting better than Jesus?

You only need one nail to nail the painting.

What does nail polish and panties have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

A duck goes to a green grocer

He asks ya got any grapes? The shopkeeper says no the duck asks ya got any grapes? The shopkeeper says no and the duck asks you got any grapes? The shopkeeper is very annoyed at him and says If you ask if I have any grapes one more time I'll nail your head to my counter! The duck asks ya got any nails? And the shopkeeper says no so the duck asks ya got any grapes

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

Nail down the other hand.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang up the picture of Jesus

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only take 1 nail to hang the picture.

How do nails feel when they are drunk?

Hammered.

What is better, Jesus himself or a picture of Jesus?

Well, a picture needs only one nail to hang

I have this great joke about construction

I'm still working on it

Got to hammer out a few kinks

Make sure to nail the delivery

I just don't want to screw it up

John came to school with a scar on his forehead

Tom asked him what do you have on your face?
John answered that it was a scar and it was his fathers fault. John explained that he hit a nail with his fist, and his father told him that he really should use his head sometimes.

A duck walks into a bar

Got any bread?

No

Got any bread?

No

Got any bread?

No, and if you ask me that again I'll nail your beak to the bar!!

Got any nails?

No!

Got any bread?

We've been trying to organize a Fear of Commitment workshop.

But we just can't seem to nail down a date.

What's the difference between jesus and a painting of jesus?

Well,you can hang the painting with only one nail.
(The joke isn't mine,but it just had to be shared)

How is a bouncy castle and an unvaxxed kid alike

Both stop being fun when a nail touches them

What's the difference between Jesus and a photo of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the photo.

Do you think Jesus ever broke a nail?

If he did, I bet he was cross.

Why did the man with bipolar go to the nail salon?

Because they offer manic cures

What's the difference between Christ and an oil painting?

It only takes one nail to hang a painting.

This joke nearly got me kicked out of the choir.

What's the difference between Jesus and a prostitute?

The look on their face after you nail them.

Jesus is walking through the desert when he comes across and old man crying to himself.

"Why do you cry for Old Man?" Jesus asked.

"I've been searching for my son forever and I'm about to give up hope."

"Well I've been wandering the desert in search of my father for many years, perhaps I've seen your son in my travels. Can you describe him?" Jesus explained.

"He's got nail marks in his hands and feet..."

With that Jesus threw open his arms and embraced the old man. "Father!" he exclaimed.

"Pinocchio!" the old man cried.

Pedro gets a New Secretary.

Pedro gets a New Secretary.
He faces a volley of rapid fire questions from his wife, who is always a bit suspicious of her husband's roving eye.

Dora (Pedro's wife): Does your new secretary have nice legs?"

Pedro: Didn't quite notice."

Dora: "What color are her eyes?"

Pedro: Haven't had the time to check."

Dora: "What are the nail polish colors she uses, metallic, gel or neon ?"

Pedro: Not a clue in the world."

Dora: "Does she wear matte, glossy or frosted lipstick?

Pedro: I barely spoke to her, so don't know.

Dora: "How does she dress?"

Pedro: "Very quickly

Little Johnny: Contagious

The teacher asks the class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence, and see's only one hand go up, yes the dreaded Little Johnny, Knowing full well she is about to be burned yet again by this little shit. She sighs and tells him to go ahead.

With a glint in his eye, Little johnny proceeds:


"My dad and I saw our neighbour cutting his lawn with a pair of nail scissors, my dad said "Its going to take that contagious to do that"


Boom boom.