Nail Jokes
171 nail jokes and hilarious nail puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nail that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From the silliest to the most outrageous, find out the best nail jokes around. Whether it be a joke about a hammer and nail, a long nail, a rusty nail and more, you'll be sure to have a laugh with these bad nail jokes. Even jokes about INRI, manicurists and hammers are included! Read on for a great time.
Quick Jump To
- Short Nail Jokes
- Nail One Liners
- Hammer And Nail Jokes
- Nail And Screw Jokes
- Nail Gun Jokes
- Nail Biting Jokes
- Long Nail Jokes
- More Nail Jokes
Funniest Nail Short Jokes
Short nail jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nail humour may include short claw jokes also.
- What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture up.
- Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword, will die by the sword" He was a carpenter that died by being nailed to a piece of wood, so he might have had a point.
- Chinese New Year, Mardi Gras and valentines day are too close... I don’t know what to paint on my nails.
- What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang up the picture of Jesus
- The room is 15$ a night. Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night.
It's $5 if you make your own bed.
Guest: I'll make my own bed.
Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood. - What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only take 1 nail to hang the picture.
- Jesus walks into a hotel... He places 3 long nails on the counter and asks - can you put me up for the night?
- What's the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus? You only need one nail for a painting.
- Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus It takes 1 nail to hang a picture
- Jesus walks into a hotel... He hands the attendant 3 nails and says "Can you put me up for the night?"
Share These Nail Jokes With Friends
Nail One Liners
Which nail one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nail? I can suggest the ones about knuckles and tooth.
- Please don't make jokes about crucifixion. Unless you really nail the execution.
- Tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork… Think I nailed it!
- What musical group is Jesus most afraid of? Nine Inch Nails
- How many nails are there in a lesbian's coffin? None. It is all tongue and groove
- how do we know that jews crucified Jesus? they used one nail for both legs
- My tree went missing..... so I took a picture of it and nailed it to a dog.
- some guy told me I was a tool So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend
- Jesus was gay. He was nailed by 3 guys.
- Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together Totally nailed it
- My wife shot me with the nail gun today... She must think I'm a stud!
- My boss asked me to put two pieces of wood together. I totally nailed it.
- What did roman soldier say on a Good Friday? Nailed it!
- What do nervous carpenters do? Bite their nails
- What takes many nails to build, but only one screw to use? A crib.
- What do underwear and nail varnish have in common? They both come off with alcohol.
Hammer And Nail Jokes
Here is a list of funny hammer and nail jokes and even better hammer and nail puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Some guy called me a tool... So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
- My brother called me a tool So I got hammered and nailed his wife.
- I have this great joke about construction I'm still working on it
Got to hammer out a few kinks
Make sure to nail the delivery
I just don't want to screw it up - A nail walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat. The bartender says "okay, but no getting hammered."
- Rumour has it... Rumour has it that Jesus got so hammered on good friday that he didn't wake up for 3 days.
(Easter Joke... Nailed it.) - Guy calls me names Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
- How do nails feel when they are drunk? Hammered.
- What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife? He gets hammered and she gets nailed.
- What do nails like to do on the weekend? Get hammered.
- Jesus Christ walks into a hotel... He goes up to the receptionist, hands her three nails and a hammer and asks Can you put me up for the night?
Nail And Screw Jokes
Here is a list of funny nail and screw jokes and even better nail and screw puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It takes many nails to build a crib... ...but only one screw to fill it.
- My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners. I told her yes... and it's riveting.
- So it's the first day of shop class... The teacher asks, "What's the difference between a nail, a screw, and a bolt?" A girl raises her hand and says, "I don't know. I've never been bolted before."
- Confucius says... it takes many nails to build a crib but one screw to fill it.
- It takes a lot of nails to put together a crib But it only takes one screw to fill it
- Whats better than a nail in a wall? A screw on the floor.
- What is a carpenters dream girl? What is a carpenters dream girl? Flat as a board, skinny as a nail and easy to screw.
- I kept hitting my fingers while trying to nail a sign to my wall... So I said, "Screw it!"
- Have you seen the nails on Frankenstien's monster? Screws with your head
- I couldn't figure out how the hammer and nails worked... So I just said "Screw it."
Nail Gun Jokes
Here is a list of funny nail gun jokes and even better nail gun puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What gun would Jesus bring to war? A nail gun.
- What do you think Jesus's stance would be on guns? I think he would be most strict on nail gun control.
(Credit to Taylor on PKA) - What's Jesus's favorite power tool? A nail gun
- What gun would Jesus outlaw first? A nail gun
- I just accidentally shot my wife in the hand with a nail gun... Well, that's what she gets for covering her eyes.
- If Jesus Christ came in the modern day, what would his favorite gun be? Nail gun
- What is Jesus's least favorite type of gun? A nail gun.
Ohhh... that's in bad taste. - A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun. He's okay. He's recovered now.
- What kind of gun would Jesus use if he were alive today? A nail gun.
- What's Jesus favourite gun? A nail gun.
Nail Biting Jokes
Here is a list of funny nail biting jokes and even better nail biting puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The average person has s**... 90 times a year. Man this going to be an epic new years eve!
- Cannibalism is a real thrill Nail-biting from start to finish.
- After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails. She's hidden his teeth.
- I finally stopped my roomate from biting his nails. All i had to do was make him wear shoes.
- What do you call a Nun that bites her nails? A bad Habit.
I'll see myself out. - The best way I found to stop biting my nails was.. To stop buying toilet paper.
- Want a surefire trick to break your nail-biting habit? Take up plumbing
- Did you hear about the nun that bites her nails? You can say she has a bad habit.
- What do people who bite their fingers say to intimidate people? I'm not scared of you, I eat nails for breakfast every day!
- I bite my nails, but you would never be able to tell because I wear socks with my sandals
Long Nail Jokes
Here is a list of funny long nail jokes and even better long nail puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I asked a fellow church member if I can make jokes about Jesus... They said "As long as you nail it."
- A walks into a hardware store to get some nails He asks the clerk for some nails and the clerk says "ok sure, how long do you want them?" and the customer says "well I'd like to keep them." : )
- Jesus Jesus walks into a hotel.
He slaps three long nails down on the front desk and asks...
"Can you put me up for the night? - Your nails are so long when you come around the corner the police arrested you for dangerous weapons.
Amusing & Witty Nail Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about nail you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean toes jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nail pranks.
Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
The picture only took 1 nail to be hung
TIL Tom Petty had a brother that owned his own nail salon
Manny Petty
Outside a PHOTO studio...
We can shoot your wife and also frame your mother-in-law .
On demand we can even nail and hang them.
What happend when the bike ran over a nail?
It popped a wheelie.
Dead Baby Jokes Thread!
I assume there's another one of these, but let's bring some freshness. I'll start us off.
Q: How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
A: Nail its other hand to the floor.
At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.
Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!
Shut up and eat what you're told.
Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!
Shut up and keep swimming.
Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
Honestly, I'm scarred.
How does a Mexican build a house?
Juan nail at a time.
A blonde and her friend...
Are recently hired putting up siding on a house. They're working on opposite sides so the first one goes to check on the second. She watches as she pulls a nail from her bag, lookas at it, and throws it away. She hollers up and asks what that was about. The second blonde says some of the nails are defective. The point is facing the wrong way so she throws those out. The first blonde says, " You idiot! They aren't defective, they're for the other side of the house "
A duck walks into a bar...
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No mate, this is a bar
Duck: Got any bread ?
Barman: No I've told you, we don't have bread here!
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: Look, if you ask me that again I'm going to nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Came up with this years ago while waiting for my mom to wake up that morning.
What happened when the bike ran over a nail?
It popped a wheelie.
I'm going to open a half-assed nail salon...
It's going to be called 'Just The Tips'.
Whats the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus.
The painting only takes one nail.
A duck walks into a bar
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for some grapes. The bartender says, "no this is a bar. We do not sell grapes."
So the next day the duck walks into the bar and asks for some grapes. By this time the bartender gets very mad and says, "if you ask me for grapes again. I'll nail you to the bench."
The following day the duck walks in and asks for some nails and the bartender says "no."
So the duck was like oh sweet.. Got any grapes?
Child: "Mama, I'm tired of running in circles..."
Mom: "Shut up, or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"
In the end, I decided not to visit that new Police Hair & Nail Salon.
You hear all kinds of bad things about Police Beautality.
I'm surprised Apple didn't name their new stylus the Apple Nail so they could put it in Steve Job's coffin
What's the difference between a p**... and jesus?
The face they make when you nail them.
What do women's p**... and nail polish have in common?
What do women's p**... and nail polish have in common?
They both come off with alcohol.
A monkey walks into a bar...
...and asks the bartender:
- Do you have bananas?
- No.
- Do you have bananas?
- I said, no.
- Do you have bananas?
- No, are you deaf or what? If you ask me one more time if I have bananas, I'll NAIL your tongue at the counter!
- ... Do you have nails?
- No.
- Do you have bananas?
A Duck walks into a Bar
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
Barman: No, and if you keep asking, I'll nail your beak to the bar.
Duck: Got any nails?
Barman: No.
Duck: Got any bread?
An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder..
Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young p**... Juan".
I was in shop class in high school and my teacher had a nail, a bolt, and a screw in his hand...
... He asked us if we knew the difference between them. A girl raised her hand and said, "Well, I've never been bolted."
2 blondes are hammering nails into the side of a garage...
One of them has a problem. She holds each nail in place, but ends up tossing every other one on the ground. Finally she says "Hey, half of these nails are bad - the sharp end is pointing away from the wall!"
The other blonde replied "You idiot, those are for other side of the building!"
What do wives and shingles have in common?
if you don't nail them right, they'll end up at your neighbor's.
I stepped on a nail the other day
I was going to avoid it but I didn't see the point
"Mommy, Mommy! I'm tired of walking around in a circle!"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!"
An Artist Gets Mugged...
He goes to the police and draws them a picture.
The policeman says "That's a good picture, we could nail the guy with that."
"I dunno.." Says the rookie besides him. "It seems a bit sketchy."
Young boy: Mommy, Mommy I can't stop spinning in circles!
Mommy: Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the floor too!
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia?
Nail a piece of toast to the ceiling.
Mommy mommy why do I keep running around in circles?
"Shut up kid or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."
In the 80s, my mother thought this was hilarious.
Why is picture of Jesus better than Jesus himself?
You only need one nail to hang up the picture.
A duck walks into a bar.
A duck walks into a bar.
It asks the barkeeper: Do you have bread?
Bartender: No.
Duck: Do you have bread?
-
Bartender: NO!
-
Duck: Do you…
Bartender: LISTEN! I HAVE NO BREAD AND IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE TIME, I'M GONNA NAIL YOU TO THAT WALL!!!
Duck: Do you have nails?
Bartender: NO!
Duck: Do you have bread?
Since we're doing old jokes: How do you stop a baby from spinning around in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor.
Do you know what do women and nail polish have in common?
they both undress with the help
of alchocol
Today I met this amazing girl. She was kind, caring, loving. She was like the female Jesus...
...which explains why I wanna nail her.
Kid says Mommy! Mommy! I don't want to keep going I circles.
Mom says shut up or I will nail your other foot to the floor.
What does a woman with a missing finger get at the nail salon?
10% off.
Why do nails bang their heads?
Because they're metal.
What happened when the dentist married a manicurist?
They fought tooth and nail.
A dentist and a manicurist marry.
They fight tooth and nail.
How do you get a baby to stop crawling in circles?
Nail its other hand down.
My friend really s**... at carpentry
He walked into Home Depot thinking he needed a screw.
The employee was trying to explain that he needed a nail, and how it even worked
Friend: So you're telling me I have to strike this thing repeatedly with a hammer?
Employee: Yes, you hit the nail on the head.
Mary Magdalene: Hey Jesus, want to try some b**... tonight?
Jesus: Forget the handcuffs. Just nail me.
What kind of gun would Jesus own?
A nail gun. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ya know, him being a carpenter and all.
It's my dream to open a dentist office/manicure salon
I'm fighting tooth and nail to make it happen
A nail walks into a bar...
What would you like? The bartender asked.
And so the nail ordered many drinks. After a great many drinks the bartender went to approach the nail again and advice him to go home. To his surprise the nail was nowhere to be seen. Naturally, the bartender leaned over the counter to see the nail buried within the floorboards.
My, what's happened here? The bartender asked.
I'm hammered, the nail replied.
What's better to have at home, Jesus or a picture of Jesus?
The picture, it only takes one nail to put it up!
Just nailed the boss's daughter
Can't get fired, I'm self employed.
I once dated a twin
Years ago I dated a twin.
My friend asked me 'how do you tell them apart?'
I explained 'Well, Rebecca has agreed to wear green nail polish every 2nd day...and Stephen has a d**...'
My Dentist friend just divorced his wife who is a manicurist
All they did was fight tooth and nail
Necrophilia
.... the last nail in the coffin.
Two Irishmen are nailing a floor
Patty picks up a nail, looks at it and throws it away. He picks up another, looks at it and throws it away as well. m**... sees him and asks what he's doing.
Patty - Them nails were no good, they were upside down.
m**... - You idiot, save those ones for the roof...
A duck walks into a bar.
The duck says "got any grapes?" "No" says the bartender. The duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day. "Got any grapes?" "Still no" replies the bartender. The duck leaves. The duck comes back a third day and asks the bartender "hey, got any grapes?" "No" says the bartender "and if you ask me again, I'll nail you feet to the ceiling."
"Got any nails?" "No."
"Got any grapes?"
What's the difference between Jesus and the Mona Lisa?
Takes **ONE** nail to hang the Mona Lisa.
I've nailed my Jesus impression...
Down to a T.
Why is painting better than Jesus?
You only need one nail to nail the painting.
What does nail polish and p**... have in common?
They both come off with alcohol.
A duck goes to a green grocer
He asks ya got any grapes? The shopkeeper says no the duck asks ya got any grapes? The shopkeeper says no and the duck asks you got any grapes? The shopkeeper is very annoyed at him and says If you ask if I have any grapes one more time I'll nail your head to my counter! The duck asks ya got any nails? And the shopkeeper says no so the duck asks ya got any grapes
How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail down the other hand.
What is better, Jesus himself or a picture of Jesus?
Well, a picture needs only one nail to hang
John came to school with a scar on his forehead
Tom asked him what do you have on your face?
John answered that it was a scar and it was his fathers fault. John explained that he hit a nail with his fist, and his father told him that he really should use his head sometimes.
A duck walks into a bar
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No
Got any bread?
No, and if you ask me that again I'll nail your beak to the bar!!
Got any nails?
No!
Got any bread?
We've been trying to organize a Fear of Commitment workshop.
But we just can't seem to nail down a date.
What's the difference between jesus and a painting of jesus?
Well,you can hang the painting with only one nail.
(The joke isn't mine,but it just had to be shared)
