Nagging Wife Jokes
58 nagging wife jokes and hilarious nagging wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about nagging wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Nagging Wife Short Jokes
Short nagging wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The nagging wife humour may include short annoying wife jokes also.
- Every time I have a beer, my wife keeps nagging me and telling me I drink too much I mean come on, who needs to hear that nine times a day?
- My wife is always nagging. I remembered to bring the stroller, the diaper bag, even an extra set of clothes.
But al she can talk about is how I forgot the baby. - I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day. Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.
- What do you say to a man whose wife of 20 years has stopped nagging and complaining? I am sorry for your loss.
- Nagging wife The wife said, "You haven't listened to a fecking word I've said, have you?"
I thought, that's a strange way to start a conversation with me. - My wife's been nagging me to see the dentist about a tooth extraction. She says getting me to go is like pulling teeth.
- 3 Horses I asked the Indian man how it was that his wife was named 'Three Horses', such an unusual name?
He said, "Nag, Nag, Nag!" - My wife kept nagging me to lose weight. So I dropped 110 pounds. But she got right back up again.
- My wife asked me why I think she nags people about things that don't even bother her. I told her was because she is a test-tease
She said no that's not it, I don't mean to test-tickle - My wife keeps complaining How much I procrastinate.
I told her, if she doesn't stop nagging I'll never get this spring cleaning done
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Nagging Wife One Liners
Which nagging wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with nagging wife? I can suggest the ones about nagging and angry wife.
- What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
- My wife's native american name is "3 horses" nag nag nag
- How did the Roman feel when he cannibalized his nagging wife? Glad-he-ater
- Your mom nagged you since you were born Your wife will, till you die.
- How is a self-checkout machine like a wife? All it does is nag you and take your money.
- What do you call a man who nags his fat wife about her weight? Fitler
- I'm not homophobe... I'm only jealous because my wife is a nag.
Comedy Nagging Wife Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about nagging wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean annoying husband jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make nagging wife pranks.
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!" Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!" Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?" His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!" A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?" The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have s**... with him." Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?" The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!"
A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The f**... company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said "ship her home".
Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?"
The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"
Would you remarry?
John and Margaret; A married couple, are sitting at the breakfast table one Sunday morning when the wife asks,
"John, if I were to die, would you get remarried?"
John is bewildered and clearly upset,
"Now why would you ask a thing like that, Margaret? We're sitting here having a lovely breakfast and you have to go an ruin it asking depressing questions like that, I'm not answering."
Margaret, clearly realizing she's stepped over the line, immediately drops the questions, but later that night it nags at her, and so she asks again.
"John, I want you to answer, if I were to die would you get remarried?"
Again John is even more upset this time and berates her for bringing up such a morbid subject. Well, they go to bed, but at two in the morning Margaret sits up in bed, turns on the lamp and asks again,
"John! I want you to answer this time right now! If I were to die would you get remarried?"
John realizing that this is not a subject that will be dropped sits up in bed and sighs,
"Yes." He says
"Okay, okay.....Would you sell the house?"
John looks confused, "well...no."
"Would you sell our bed?"
John again looks confused, "Well No, there's no reason too."
Margaret then asks a little distraught, " Well you certainly wouldn't let her touch my golf clubs, would you?"
To which John reply's, "Well no, of course not. She's left handed."
A Nagging Wife
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his death row client.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over n**..., drying his legs and feet and said "They're not hanging Wright tonight!"
He whirled around and screamed,
'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?'
An old couple go shopping...
... At the grocery store. The wife continuously nags the husband about the cost of all the things he wants to buy and he grumbles back at her. When they get to the canned fruit aisle she looks at a can of peaches and exclaims "that's ridiculous!" at the price. Looking both ways, she slips it into her purse.
After they leave the store a police officer stops them, informing her she was seen stealing the peaches on video. When she gets to court to answer for her crime the judge says, "this kind of petty theft is unacceptable and becoming more common. I'm afraid I need to make a lesson of you." He looks at her carefully. "How many peaches are in the can you stole?"
"Seven" she replied.
"Very well. I am sentencing you to seven days in jail."
Just then the husband piped up. "Uh, your honor?"
"Yes?"
"I should probably tell you she also stole a can of peas."
A man left work
one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
Normal Wife
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
Paybacktime
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him.
"How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied. "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
The farmer and the mule.
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule, which he did as often as possible.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her s**... in the back of the head and killed her dead on the spot.
At the f**... several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the f**..., the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women but always shook his head and disagreed with all of the men.
The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
A man asked a Native American what his wife's name was...
A man asked a Native American what his wife's name was.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses."
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a woman. What does it mean?"
The Native American answered,
"It's a traditional tribal name. It mean...
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!
Can't take that chance
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man
thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take
that chance."
Risky Burial
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for only $150."
The man thought about it and decided he would just have her shipped home for $5000.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150 ?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man called Jesus Christ died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead...I just can't take that chance."
A Jamaican man's wife dies in Jerusalem
A Jamaican man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The f**... company told the man that it could cost $500, 000 to ship her home to Jamaica or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, "ship her home" shocked, the undertaker asked, but sir why don't you bury her in holy land and save the money? To which the husband replied. A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead.......I can't take that chance.
A guy is doing 90 in a 75 and sees lights from a patrol car in the mirror...
He thinks furiously for a moment and then floors it, 95... 100.. 110... Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows to a crawl and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places hands out where they can easily be seen.
"You were going a little fast there," the officer says "but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over for beers and cards, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself."
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied "Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a state trooper. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the rearview, I could have sworn you were bringing her back."
The officer paused for a moment and said "Have a nice day and drive safe."
"Five Horses Is Her Name"
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name. He replied, "She is called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean ..."
"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
A man and his ever-nagging wife are on vacation in Jerusalem
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "you can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the holy land, for $150.
The man thought about it, and finally decided he would have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home when you can have her burried here for so much less?"
The man replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was burried here, and three days later, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Enjoy weekend and enjoy and enjoy weekend
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
How would you like it if you didn't see me?
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
My wife would always nag me to do the gardening..
Eventually I had to put that h**... in the ground.
We finally drove somewhere without my wife nagging on my driving for the first time ever.
It was in a hearse on the way to her f**....
Husband takes his wife to the pub
A nagging wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he takes her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asks.
"Oh, I don't know. Same as you I suppose," she replies.
The husband orders a couple of straight whiskies and throws his down in one gulp. His wife watches him, takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.
"Yuck, it's horrible," she splutters. "I don't know how you can drink that stuff!"
"Well there you go," cries the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
A man asked an American Indian for his wife's name...
"She is called Five Horses" He replied.
"That's an unusual name, what does it mean?"
The Indian grimaced. "f**.......NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
An old couple is travelling in Israel
The wife incessantly nags her husband through out the trip, until unfortunately she has a heart attack and passes. The coroner tells the husband, "it will cost you $500 to bury her here, or $5000 to take her body back to America." The husband tells the coroner that he will take her body back to America. The coroner, surprised, asks "but sir, why pay so much money when you can have just as beautiful f**... here for so much cheaper??" The man replies, "I heard that 2000 years ago some guy came back alive after being dead for 3 days around here, I don't want to take that chance with her."
A man left for work one Friday afternoon.
But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" He replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye
A married man left work early one Friday afternoon...
Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his paycheck) partying with the boys.
When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his furious wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days!?!"
"That would suit me just fine!!!"
Monday went by and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye..
Bob left work one Friday evening but since it was payday he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages.
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Tom and his buddy got drunk
Tom took it too far and puked on his shirt.
"Oh no! My wife will kill me she hates when i drink"
"Dont worry. Take this 20$ bill and tell her someone else puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning."
So it was done.
Tom went home and his wife starts nagging and screaming to poor Tom.
"No honey someone puked on me and gave me 20 bucks for the cleaning. See?"
"And what is the second bill for?"
"Oh someone crapped in my pants too."
A man suddenly started feeling horrible and was sent to the hospital.
The next day, the doctor had a talk with the man's wife.
He said, "Your husband has been suffering from serious stress. If immediate action is not taken, he could die in a very short time."
The woman said, "What type of immediate action?"
The doctor said, "You must provide a stress-free environment in your home. For the next two weeks, make wonderful meals for him every day. Also, you must be sure that you don't nag him or stress him in any way."
On the drive home from the hospital, her husband asked, "So what's wrong with me, honey?"
The woman paused for a moment and then replied, "Sorry, honey, but you're going to die."
Bob left work one Friday evening. But it was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with his mates and spending his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife
and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
He replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
But on Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
My Native American friend from work invites me home to meet his wife.
When we arrived at his house his wife appeared in full traditional dress, she looked stunning. My friend introduced me and said * I'd like you to meet my wife, five horses. * I commented what a beautiful name that was and asked what the significance was?
* Quite simple * really he replied, * Nag nag nag nag nag... *
my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum
f**... director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"
Me: "ship her home"
f**... director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"
Me: "A long time ago a man was buried here and 3 days later he rose from the dead, I can't take that chance"
This guy had a magic door
This guy had a magic door in his house. Whenever he wanted he could open the door and step into a magic world where he was the only human in. Since he was alone in this magic world he was like the king and he could do whatever he wanted to. There was no wife to throw chores at him, no kids nagging and fighting, no dog he needs to take on a walk - no one. He was alone to do as he pleases for as long as he wanted to until his legs get numb and he has to flush down the water and get back to reality.
A married couple is fighting
A married couple is fighting when the wife says, I don't want you in this house anymore, pack your s**... and get out. Husband starts packing as the wife is still nagging him. The husband opens the door to leave and just as he is walking out the wife says, I hope you die a slow and painful death you son of a b**... . The husband stops and says, I don't understand, do you want me to stay
