My Wife Jokes
113 my wife jokes and hilarious my wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest My Wife Short Jokes
Short my wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my wife humour may include short my hubby jokes also.
- I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
- My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea. - My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
- Husband: I have cheated once Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June - A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
- My wife beamed at me with pride and said, Wow! I never thought our son would go that far! I said, This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.
- I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself... my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day! - Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
- Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
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My Wife One Liners
Which my wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my wife? I can suggest the ones about my missus and wive.
- My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.
- Wife: I'm pregnant. Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not. - My wife left me because I am insecure No wait, she's back.
She just went to get coffee. - What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
- TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway Whoops, wrong sub.
- I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
- What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.
- Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas Me: *sipping toast* why?
- My son identifies as a crescent moon. I'm worried, but my wife says it's just a phase.
- What do you call a hippies' wife? Mississippi
- The wife caught me cross-dressing So I packed her things and left
- My wife left me because of my gambling addiction But I know I can win her back
- My wife asked if I could stop singing 'Wonderwall' I said maybe
- My wife and I have decided we don't want children We plan on telling them after supper
- My wife left me because I couldn't stop doing impressions of pasta And now I'm cannelloni
My Wife Is So Fat Jokes
Here is a list of funny my wife is so fat jokes and even better my wife is so fat puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How can you tell if your girlfriend is getting too fat? If she fits in your wife's clothes.
- I bought a pug for my wife. Despite the bulging eyes, wrinkles and layers of fat, the pug seemed to like her.
- How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts fitting in your wife's clothes.
(Old joke, I know, just heard it though, made me laugh.) - How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts to fit into your wife's clothes.
- I told my wife she shouldn't get upset when people call her fat Because she's bigger than that.
- Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids." Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"
- My wife really wanted a dog, so I bought her a pug. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her.
- Wife: "I'm fat, old and ugly, what am I?" Husband: "Right"
- My wife asked me "Is it just me or is the cat getting fat?" Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.
- How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts borrowing your wife's clothes...
Fun-Filled My Wife Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about my wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean beautiful wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my wife pranks.
TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a b**... convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask
Whoops, wrong sub
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the World Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."
I responded, "How about now?"
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.
You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.
Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me.
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed. You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you. Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.
My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me!
I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?
We were having s**... the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes...
But in reality it's because I want someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle
My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...
So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines.
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender
I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
Apparently my family is racist
I had them meet my new black girlfriend and they all started screaming at us. Especially my wife.
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids.
After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.
Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a h**..."
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a crowded local bar, holding a p**... in his hand and yelling, I have a 45 caliber p**... here with seven rounds in the barrel plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife.
A voice from the other end of the bar called out, You'll need more ammo
My wife told me: "s**... is better on vacation."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls who had s**... with my wife!!!
A guy in the back replies
You don't have enough bullets
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an e**....
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
My wife asked me whether I experimented with s**... and drugs when I was in high school.
I said, Yes, but I was part of the control group.
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.
It's laundry day.
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
My wife says we should split up because I keep pretending I'm a detective
I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way
My wife told me to go and get some pills that help with an e**......
You should've seen her face when I tossed her some diet pills.
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife's sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while...
Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…
My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.
I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
I asked my wife why she married me.
I asked my wife why she married me.
She said Because you are funny.
I said I thought it was because I was good in bed.
She said See? You're hilarious!
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.
Until she checked the freezer.
My wife complains about constantly being s**... harassed at work
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn't like it
I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.
My wife left me because I am too insecure.
Never mind, she was just picking up some groceries.
I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I'm furious.
She is absolutely not adventurous , and fun to be around !
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
He responds "well give me the one my wife made."
A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.
He asked me Ain't she beautiful?
I said If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife
He replied with Why, is she a stunner as well?
I said No, she's an optician
Cr
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife!
He said, "Why? Is she super-hot too?
I said, "No, she's an optometrist!"
After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids
We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like
My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a s**... at any moment ' means
So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back
Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:
1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby
My wife walked in on me...
My wife walked in on me m**... to an optical illusion. I threw my hands up and said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
My wife complains to me about constantly being s**... harassed at work
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...
I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
My wife told me that "s**... is better on holiday".
Not the best postcard I've ever received.
I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.
I don't know what she charges him for it though.
I asked my wife, I'm stuck on this crossword clue Overworked Postman — can you help?
She said, Sure. How many letters?
Me: I'm guessing—- Too many.
My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...
I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.
This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back
I think my family is racist
I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"
I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.
She's Tolkien in her sleep.
A man sits next to another man on the train and pulls out a photo of his wife isn't she beautiful?
Other man: If you think she's beautiful you should see my wife
First man: Why? Is she a stunner?
Other man: No, she's an ophthalmologist
My wife left a note on the fridge saying, "This isn't working, goodbye."
I opened the refrigerator and it works just fine. Weird.
My wife came home yesterday...
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol a**... and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."
My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.
And I answered, because of the decepticons!
She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.
It was a good time.
-
-
My wife was dying.
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "There's nothing to confess.
Everything's alright."
"No, I must die in peace. I had s**... with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, " That's why I poisoned you."
Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.
