My Wife Jokes
103 my wife jokes and hilarious my wife puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my wife that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest My Wife Short Jokes
Short my wife jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my wife humour may include short my hubby jokes also.
- I asked my wife if I was the only one she's been with. She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
- My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back.
She just went to make a cup of tea. - My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry I'll return.
- Husband: I have cheated once Husband: I have cheated once
Wife: me too.
husband: 1st of Apriii....
Wife: 18th of June - A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
- My wife beamed at me with pride and said, Wow! I never thought our son would go that far! I said, This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.
- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day! - Wife was breastfeeding Her: the baby sure is taking his time getting his meal in
Me: yeah he is really milking it
- Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
- My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, What's wrong? . She screamed. These contractions are going to kill me! I am sorry, honey, I replied. What is wrong?
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My Wife One Liners
Which my wife one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my wife? I can suggest the ones about my missus and wive.
- My wife left me because I'm insecure and paranoid.
- Wife: I'm pregnant. Me: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad.
Wife: No you're not. - What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife? Nothing, he's gladiator.
- TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway Whoops, wrong sub.
- I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
- What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife. Nothing, he's Gladiator.
- Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas Me: *sipping toast* why?
- My son identifies as a crescent moon. I'm worried, but my wife says it's just a phase.
- What do you call a hippies' wife? Mississippi
- The wife caught me cross-dressing So I packed her things and left
- My wife left me because of my gambling addiction But I know I can win her back
- My wife asked if I could stop singing 'Wonderwall' I said maybe
- My wife and I have decided we don't want children We plan on telling them after supper
- My wife left me because I couldn't stop doing impressions of pasta And now I'm cannelloni
- is my wife ashamed of my body? a tiny part of me says yes.
Fun-Filled My Wife Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about my wife you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean beautiful wife jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my wife pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a b**... convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask
Whoops, wrong sub
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man takes his seat at the World Cup final. He looks over and notices there's an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the world Cup final?
The guy replies, "Well that was my wife's seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.
The man says back, "That's terrible, but couldn't you get another close family member to come with you?
The guy says, "No. They're all at the f**...."
I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No."
I responded, "How about now?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for s**..., my wife screamed at me. I'm really disappointed.
You can hardly blame me, I answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.
Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have s**...?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I stabbed a vampire, beat zombies to death and killed devil itself...
my wife rushes through the room and shouts, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES, FRANK"
My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.
I replied, "Yes just once."
The doctor asked, "What was it like?"
I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I've told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. After all, I said, The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.
What are you talking about? she asked.
I said, It's your thirty-second birthday.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We were having s**... the other night and to my surprise my wife started punching me in the face.
I have no idea who let her into my office.
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz
My wife said she wanted just one child of each gender
I told her "how about just one boy and one girl? I don't want to contribute to overpopulation."
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
You're coming home now! she screamed.
No, I'm not, I laughed.
She said, I'm talking to the kids.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my wife died I couldn't look at women for 20 years
But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.
Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
My wife told me, If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.
Apparently, anything doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife texted "I'm leaving you"
And followed with "after lunch to go shopping with my sister."
I asked why in the world she sent the message that way. "I just wanted you to realize how good you have it with me."
I texted her back "Remind your sister she said she would come over later to give me a h**..."
A minute later I finished the message "-searching and resume building."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife told me: "s**... is better on vacation."
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive
My marriage is over.
I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an e**....
I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me whether I experimented with s**... and drugs when I was in high school.
I said, Yes, but I was part of the control group.
I just saw my wife walk by with her sexiest underwear on, which can only mean one thing.
It's laundry day.
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding...
She got so mad and said she's never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.
When my dentist reminded me about my wife's sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while...
Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…
My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.
I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.
I asked my wife why she married me.
I asked my wife why she married me.
She said Because you are funny.
I said I thought it was because I was good in bed.
She said See? You're hilarious!
My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.
Until she checked the freezer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife complains about constantly being s**... harassed at work
I told her she can stop working from home and go back to the office if she doesn't like it
I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.
Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.
My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
My wife: Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.
I just found my wife has a Tinder profile and I'm furious.
She is absolutely not adventurous , and fun to be around !
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.
He asked me Ain't she beautiful?
I said If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife
He replied with Why, is she a stunner as well?
I said No, she's an optician
Cr
After a long debate with my Wife, I decied that we won't Vaccine our kids
We think the doctor would do a way better job than us
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Doctor tells me I can play with myself whenever I like
My wife tells me that's not what 'You could have a s**... at any moment ' means
So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back
Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
I just hired a beautiful 21 year old girl to look after my 1 year old baby. Now I have two issues:
1. How to tell this to my wife
2. Where to find a 1 year old baby
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...
I told her, "Fear of the CIA".
She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo
Two men are playing golf when one realises he's left his jacket at the last tee
He goes back to get it, stops halfway and turns back.
"What's up?" asks his mate.
"Well, you see those two women at the tee. One's my wife, and she's playing with my mistress."
His mate laughs and says, "No worries, I'll go get it for you."
He stops halfway, comes back, looks at his mate and says "Small world."
I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.
I don't know what she charges him for it though.
I asked my wife, I'm stuck on this crossword clue Overworked Postman — can you help?
She said, Sure. How many letters?
Me: I'm guessing—- Too many.
My wife asked for something shiny that goes from 0 - 200 in five seconds or less for our anniversary...
I bought her a scale. We're still not speaking.
I was digging a hole in my backyard when I found a box filled with gold.
I was so excited that I ran inside to tell my wife. Then I remembered why I was digging the hole in the first place.
Please stop including corny details about your family as a blatant ploy to garner additional upvotes and awards by increasing the emotional impact of your post.
This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back
I think my family is racist
I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.
My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"
I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
I told my wife, "I feel bad for saying this but you are getting loose and it doesn't feel as good anymore"
She replied, "don't feel bad, it's not your fault!"
My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the Lord of The Rings trilogy.
She's Tolkien in her sleep.
My wife came home yesterday...
and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is."
I asked her what it was and she told me it had water in the carburettor. I though for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you're not mechanically inclined. You don't know the carburettor from the radiator."
"No, there's definitely water in the carburettor," she insisted.
"Ok, honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"
"In the lake."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.
I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.
You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peaceful and silently made my way to bed. But she kept cursing and shouting through the night and well into the next morning.
Please friends, if you can't handle your tea, you should not be drinking it. Please avoid drinking tea.
The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I'm obsessed with Horse Racing.
I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....
My wife, to our therapist: He always misunderstands simple questions.
Therapist, to me: What does she mean?
Me: It's a feminine pronoun,
So I put a giant map of the world up on the wall and gave my wife a dart. I told her wherever it lands is where we go on holiday.
I guess we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife is super upset at our neighbour who happens to enjoy suntanning in her backyard n**...
Personally though, I'm on the fence.
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?" I said, "Yes. Steve." She giggled, "Awww! That's a lovely name!" I replied, "Thanks."
"But what do you think we should call the baby?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The m**... said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the m**.... After all, good comedy is all about execution.
I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son's train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I always shave my beard after having s**...
... so I can remind my wife for how long we've not been doing it.
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife said to me If I ever get
Alzheimers I would commit s**... rather than burdening you with me"
I said "Thats the fifth time you've said that today"
I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant..
Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
I bought my wife a fridge as an anniversary present.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?
My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
Me: My truck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After years of complaining from my wife, I finally found the g**....
Turns out her sister had it all along...
My wife screamed in pain during labor...
"What's wrong, honey?" I asked.
"*What's wrong*!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"
"I am sorry, babe," I replied. "*What is* wrong?"
I asked my wife So, do you think the cup is half full or half empty? And you know what she said?
Please for the love of god could you stop wearing my bras!
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.
I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, Hey sweetheart, why don't you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby minimizing total distance travelled?
Well don't you know, she loved my suggestion!
It used to take her 11 minutes to make her breakfast… now I do it in 5.
