My Watch Jokes
130 my watch jokes and hilarious my watch puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my watch that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest My Watch Short Jokes
Short my watch jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my watch humour may include short wristwatch jokes also.
- I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 1080p and above. It's my new year's resolution.
- As we landed in Saudi Arabia the pilot announced "Ladies and Gentlemen don't forget to adjust your watches to local time" I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
- I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
- China has now banned any military personnel to use apple watches due to security reasons. One soldier says with tears in his eyes but but my daughter made it for me .
- As the Kardashians celebrate their 20th and final season... I would LOVE to congratulate myself for never watching a single episode.
- A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse. Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.
- My son asked me, Dad, can we watch spider Man—Far from Home tonight? I said, Why? It is the same movie if you watch it nearby.
- A guy was screaming at the TV Run idiot, run! His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape
- Shame about the tesla driver that crashed while watching a movie. He should've watched the trailer.
- I just watched a movie about a y=x graph The plot was a bit predictable
And a little flat
Good special f(x) though
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My Watch One Liners
Which my watch one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my watch? I can suggest the ones about wrist watch and pocket watch.
- Who won the presidential debate last night? People who didn't watch
- A lot of women actually turn into good drivers So if you're a good driver watch out.
- Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies? Orphans.
- Why did Jon Snow stand in line for 6 hours at the Apple Store? For the watch
- How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday? It's already run out of battery.
- In Russia you watch tv In America tv watches you.
- What do you call fifty guys watching the Super Bowl? The Detroit Lions.
- Who would win in a street fight between Joe Biden and Donald Trump? Everyone watching
- I was watching my wife try on outfits; I said, you know what you looked best in? 1996.
- My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex They are watch dogs
- What did everyone do after the Super Bowl was over? Watch the second half.
- Scientists watched the earth rotate for 24 hours and got tired, So they called it a day
- I watched a documentary on how airplanes are held together It was riveting
- What do men and women have in common? Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.
- In my community we have a neighborhood watch, It's actually more like a clock tower.
Comedy My Watch Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about my watch you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean rolex watch jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my watch pranks.
I lost my watch at a party
I lost my watch at a party once. An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at the party. Infuriated I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
I once tied all my watches to my belt
Until I realised it was just a waist of time
I lost my watch at a party.
After some intensive searching through the crowd, I spotted it lying on the floor. There was a guy standing on it. When I looked up, I saw the guy harassing a girl, touching her at all the wrong places. She obviously didn't approve. So I walked over there and punched this guy in the face. Nobody treats girls like that. Not on my watch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party. I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
My government recently announced they're phasing out Roman numerals...
Not on my watch.
Flying Blind
A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.
The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."
The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"
The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"
Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Throwing Watches
Three tourists climbed up the tower with London's Big Ben and decided to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch them before they hit the ground.
The first tourist threw his watch but heard it c**... before the had taken three steps. The second threw his watch and made only two steps before hearing his watch shatter.
The third tourist threw his watch off the tower, went down the stairs, bought a snack at a shop up the street and walked slowly back to Big Ben in time to catch the watch.
"How did you do that?" asked one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."
A Broken Watch
A guy is walking down the street and suddenly notices that his watch has stopped working. As he stands there musing over this discovery, he notices that the display window of a nearby shop has several dozen watches and clocks in it.
The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the proprietor, "Excuse me, my watch has stopped working. I wonder if you can repair it for me?"
The proprietor looks up from his desk and says, "What are you talking about? I'm not a watchmaker--I'm a mohel. I perform circumcisions."
Confused, the gentleman asks, "Well then why do you have so many watches and clocks in your window?"
The mohel calmly replies, "What would you prefer that I display?"
A man giving a long-winded speech finally says,….
"I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."
Friend 1: Did you know that I had taken up story-writing as a career?
Friend 2: No, sold anything yet?
Friend 1: Yes, my watch, my saxophone, and my overcoat.
"We're losing him!" shouted the physician assistant halfway through the surgery
"Not on my watch!" shouted the surgeon.
And he runs out of the operating room.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I lost my watch at a party last night....
After about an hour of looking for it I finally found it on the ground. A man was stepping on it while he was harassing some woman. Infuriated, I walked over to him and punched him in the face, breaking his nose. No one mistreats a woman, not on my watch.
The President of Brazil, France and United States share a flight around the world
The United state president puts his hands out of the windows and says:
"We are in the US! I just touched the Statue of Liberty"
Some time passes, the French president puts his hands out and says out loud:
"Now we are in France. I just touched the Eiffel tower".
After a while the Brazilian president also puts his hands out of the Airplane and says:
"Yes, we finally are in Brazil. I just had my watch stolen"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
For The Watch
Lost my watch at a party once. After a few hours i walked into the bathroom and saw some guy stepping on my watch while s**... harassing a girl. I punched the guy straight in the nose, no one does that to a girl, not on my watch.
-Putindoge
(P.s he probably stole the joke from someone else)
Rotating bezel? Personalized engraving? Date display?
NOT ON MY WATCH!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Johnny shows his new watch to his girl friend
Johnny shows his new watch to his girl friend.
Johnny: My watch says you are not a v**...
Girl: But I'm still a v**...
Johnny: My watch is 20 minutes fast
I had to go to the hospital without insurance.
It wasn't so bad, though. They let me keep my watch and my shoe.
Once an American, a French and an Indian were travelling in an airplane.
To find out where they have reached, the American stretched his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached America".
The other two asked how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Statue of Liberty".
Next the French stretches his hand out and said,"We have reached France".
The other two asks how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Eiffel Tower".
Then the Indian puts his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached India".
The other two asks how and he replied, "Well someone stole my watch".
Everyone's using 24hr clock these days but I don't like it.
Not on my watch.
Call me a luddite, but I feel the need to be vigilant about having too many connected devices.
Google accessing biometrics via wrist wear? Not on my watch.
I asked a police man if I could pee on his wrist.
He said Not on my watch
A man was walking in a park..
when suddenly he noticed his watch wasn't on his wrist. While looking for it, he saw a man stepping on what seemed to be his watch, while simultaneously making fun of a fat kid. So he punched the man square in the face. "No one makes fun of fat kids" he said, "not on my watch".
I rocked up to a party the other night and was having a great time.
I got a bit tipsy and looked down at my wrist, my watch was missing. So off I go out the front to see if I dropped it. I get out there and I see this drunk guy screaming at his gf, I look down and he's crushing my watch under his foot. I ran straight over and punched him out cold. You don't mistreat your gf, not on my watch.
I was worried my watch broke.
It froze for a second.
My friend said, "Hey, can you tell me the time?"
I said, "Not on my watch"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last evening when I came out of hot shower after a long day of work, I saw my dog e**... watch.
It was time consuming.
This morning I thought I was going senile when I couldn't remember where I'd put my watch.
Then, fortunately, my wife reminded me that I haven't worn a watch in 5 years.
Son: Dad! My watch isn't working!
Dad: Just give it time.
I always set my watch 10 minutes forward.
I wanna be ahead of my time
The day before an important meeting I always make sure to fall asleep on top of my watch.
That way I wake up on time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Miss, my watch tells me you have no p**... on.
But I do have p**... on!
Oh sorry, it's ahead of time again.
I saw a sign in my school.
It said
Time passes, will you?
I thought to myself
Not on my watch!
And removed the batteries from it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I lost my watch at a party...
I lost my watch at a party once. While I was looking for it, I saw a man step on it on the dance floor while harassing a woman at the same time. I immediately went over and punched the man in the face and broke his nose.
"Thank you so much!" the woman said.
"No problem," I said putting my jewelry back on.
"Nobody does that to a woman, not on my watch."
I donated my watch to a homeless person today.
I was so happy when he put his knife back in his pocket.
24 hour time format mandatory in my office?
Not on my watch!
1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.
Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"
Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"
Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody stole my watch! This is Moscow."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My watch fell into the toilet.
I'm having a real c**... time now.
Had to remove the seconds hand from my watch..
was really starting to tick me off
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting.
But no gorillas were shot on my watch.
The 2 Soldiers
2 soldiers are on the battle field. One soldier drops his cherished pocket watch on the ground. As he reaches for it, his teammate gets shot and falls on top of it. His teammate looks at him with fear in his eyes and says, "There's no way I'm going to get out of this, I am going to die..." The soldier picks him up, moves him aside and says, "Not on my watch!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This is a bad one
I was once at a party. After some time I noticed that I lost my watch. I was looking for it everywhere. I finally saw it laying on the floor on the other side of the room. When I got there, I witnessed how some guy stepped on it, while harassing a girl. Filled with rage I went up to him and punched him on the nose. No one treats a girl like that. Not on my watch!
P.s.: not mine I found it in the comments on pornhub
Wife: Honey, my watch stopped working.
Me: Well I guess it probably... Ran out of time...
You have to go to college
me: you have to go to college
son: but why though?
me: to be able get nice things (shows him my watch) you see this?
son: yeah
me: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
(From Internet)
So a man buys a watch...
So a man buys a watch. It is a very good watch, for a very low price. However, the store clerk tells him that the watch skips a minute at 5:30 (So it goes from 5:29 - 5:31 in one minute).
Later that day, his son asks him if he can hang out with his friends at 5:30. The dad says: "Not on my watch."
I thought my watch ran out of battery power...
It scared me for a second.
I throw my watch in the air
call it air time
the motor in my watch stopped running
I'm down a quartz
Can anyone recommend a second-hand store?
I need a new one for my watch.
People say I'm crazy for asking my watch the answers to the mysteries of the universe
I believe I'll be vindicated some day. Only time will tell.
What did the guy who finished watching Game of Thrones say?
My watch has ended
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between my broken watch and a lesbian?
My watch hasn't got a s**....
I was at a party and I lost my watch
I started looking throughout the house, and when I turn a corner there's a guy standing on my timepiece, borderline groping and harassing a girl. So I go up and punch the guy, that's not gonna happen. Not on my watch.
I lost my watch the other day.
I'm sure it'll turn up, but there's no telling when.
I lost my watch at a party the other night
It fell in my drink.
I guess it's drinking time.
Middle of the night...
Middle of the night asking a guest at a party after the time. The host says: "My watches are unfortunately broken, but we did the same!" He opens the window, brings his trumpet and begins to play. As a neighbor opens his window and yells: "Are you mad? It is at half past two! "
I repaired my watch with some old parts.
It's got a second-hand second hand.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Disney is attempting to take over and brainwash our country by bringing back '80s Mickey Mouse merchandise
NOT ON MY WATCH!!
One cop walked into a bar...and a bee sat on his recently bought Rolex
What did the man say?
Not on my watch
So I lost my watch at a club
I thought I'd never find it, but decided to try anyway. To my surprise I found it, but there was a dude standing on it. And the worst part was, he was being very handsy with this woman. When she made herself clear that she didn't want "it" he slapped her. At that moment I felt I had to do something, so I pushed him away from the woman and knocked him over. Because you don't hit a woman, not on my watch.
A drunk man exited a bar vomiting and almost got some on the timepiece of a police officer who was standing on the street.
The cop said, "not on MY watch"
Today, I donated a my watch, phone and $500 to a poor guy.
You wouldn't know how happy he looked as he put his knife back in his pocket.
I used to be a police officer...
A guy came up to me when I was patrolling a street and asked if he could urinate between my wrist and elbow.
I said "Not on my watch."
A stranger asked me to take out my watch and see how fast he could circle a fountain
I told him I didn't have the time for this
I lost my watch yesterday.
I just don't have the time to find it.
I was gonna put on my watch.
But I didn't have the time.
If they make zee bad time puns
Seiko on my watchlist.
Telling time with Roman numerals?
Not on my watch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone stole my watch and stepped on it.
I beat them up. I swore to myself that day that that would never happen again. Not on my watch.
I was speaking to my friend
He was telling me about a plan he had to change all the numbers in the world into roman numerals. I said "Not on my watch"
Did you hear they are planning to legislate that all time-telling devices should indicate numbers only as Roman numerals?
Not on my watch!
What did the guy with no wrists say?
Not on MY watch!
I asked my consultant what time it was.
He asked me if he could borrow my watch.
A mosquito was trying to land on my arm.
I shaked it and said:
"Not on my watch"
The number 13
Not on my watch.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Pun time
A woman asks her police officer friend if it's legal to have s**... on a timepiece. Her friend looks at her with a blank stare and says "Not on my watch."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today a minute tick tried to latch onto my arm near the hand...
... but the strap was too tight. Not under my watch, lil bloodsucka.
YouTube Procrastinator
YouTube recommended a "how to avoid procrastination" video to me and I put it in my watch later list.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Started with the tips of my fingers..
We got more into it, my fingers got deeper. She says "babe t**... ring its hurting me", I respond "you mean my watch?"
I got tired of wearing my watch on my wrist..
So I tried attaching it to my belt instead.. man, that was a real waist of time.
