Following is our collection of My Watch jokes which are very funny. There are some my watch dead jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these my watch asked puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.
Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.
It's my new year's resolution.
I thought to myself how do I turn it back to the 7th century?
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him put his pistol back in his pocket.
And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are watching a man do some juggling on the street. The juggler notices that the men can't see very well, and stands on some boxes.
"Can you all see me now?" He calls
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."
Both need some tissues after watching a good movie.
She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.
"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."
Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"
Watch the second half.
You can explore my watch bad reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean my watch money dad jokes. There are also my watch puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
He knocks on the drivers window, and the guy inside rolls it down. The cop sees that there is a guy sitting in the front seat, fully clothed, and a girl in the back seat, also fully clothed.
"What are you up to here, son?"
"Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine, as you can see."
"And what's she doing back there?"
"I think she's playing a game on her phone."
"Have you been drinking tonight?"
"No, sir. I'm only twenty."
"And how old is she?"
The guy looks at his watch and says, "Sir, in eleven minutes she'll be eighteen."
The restraining order
That is all.
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
The plot was a bit predictable
And a little flat
Good special f(x) though
But why would I spend money to see Mayweather when I can just look outside?
It's already run out of battery.
For the watch
Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads
... and she says : "Watch, Francis! With a wave of my hand, I can make every loyal subject go completely hysterical!" So she waves at the crowd and every loyal subject goes completely apeshit. So Francis tells her : "Well, Elizabeth, with a wave of my hand, I can give every Scotsman and Irishman eternal joy!" And she replies : "I'd like to see that!" .... So he slaps her.
An immigrant, a worker and a banker are sitting at the table with 10 cookies. The banker takes 9 and then tells the worker "watch out, the immigrant is going to steal your cookie".
I guess they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'
On one hand, you have a watch...
But on the other hand, you have a watch.
My mom is such a bad actress.
HDMI
A pick pocket snatches watches.
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
Does that make you an iWitness?
He should've watched the trailer.
So he can determine how high Mexican pole vaulters can jump.
Orphans.
But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."
I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.
..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.
I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.
Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.
I was quite surprised when the gave me a rolex. It was an incredibly generous gift, but I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch."
A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks
'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'
'yup'
'It looks brand new!'
'It is.'
'What's wrong with it?'
'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change that'
'So whatever I watch the volume is on Max, and you're only selling it for a dollar?'
'yup'
'Wow, can't turn that down.'
Me: "okay, I'll get out the wedding video"
and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"
In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.
"Why do you shave, daddy?" she enquired.
"Because mommy likes me with nice smooth skin." I explained.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No, not at all." I said. "Unless I cut myself."
"And then do you put a Band Aid on?" She asked.
"No, I just stick a little piece of toilet paper on any cuts." I told her.
"But don't they just fall off?"
"No, sweetheart." I replied. "They're held in place when I put my underpants back on."
1996.
and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.
"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.
"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, "fake noose."
In America tv watches you.
So they can both watch the hockey game.
the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"
the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."
The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"
"no son, i have a wife..."
She said "I'm on my period and Guardians Of The Galaxy is sold out!"
I said, "It's alright, I'll just sneak in through the rear entrance."
It's actually more like a clock tower.
I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.
He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Target practice."
The performer suddenly realizes that these men have a poor view so he gets on a small platform. "Can you all see me now?" He asks them.
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sí"
"Ja"
I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.
I did once and she looked really angry.
Why angry?
Because she was watching from the window!
Like, i was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me: Hey! Watch It!
I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!
News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.
The blonde bursts into tears
Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.
Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?
So if you're a good driver watch out.
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"
His wife walked in and asked Are you watching a horror movie? . He said No. It's our wedding tape
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
Who's playing?
Austria-Hungary
Against who?
But that would be time consuming
Me: You pick.
Her: You pick.
Me: I don't care which movie. You pick.
Her: Sir, there are people behind you in line waiting to buy tickets.
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.
Edward, says her hands.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"
Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."
"There is no band on this ship."
"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have sex before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
She watches amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever!" the woman exclaims. "How did you do that?"
"Easy," replied the soldier, "These are my khakis."
Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.
They get so drunk that they wake up late and miss their exam. The four students go to the professor together and explain this elaborate lie that their car tire went flat when they were on their way to the exam. They beg for a retest, and the professor agrees.
The day of the makeup test, the four boys all arrive on time, completely sober. The professor looks at the boys, looks at his watch, and says you may begin the test.
The boys open the final booklet and to their surprise, they each only have one question.
Which tire was flat?
"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheating so one day I came home early to catch him, but he was just watching TV. So I turned the entire house upside-down looking for another girl, and in the end I got a massive heart attack from exhaustion."
"Too bad you didnt look in the freezer," said Erica, "Or we might both still be alive."
Because they don't want to wake up the people watching.
She was watching our wedding video again.
There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?
The murderer said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.
So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'
Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?
Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the murderer. After all, good comedy is all about execution.
People who didn't watch
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
Another parent asked, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
Men named Bart watch out
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that is going to help." "Sure it will," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers..
11:45 - arrived at crime scene
11:45 - Examined body. Signs of struggle
11:45 - Found murder weapon in drain
11:45 - Realised watch was broken
He says, What was that for!
She says, I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket with the name Dorothy written on it!
The man says, oh that's just the name of the horse I was going to bet on
A week passes and the man is back in his easy chair watching another football game.
Wife walks into the living room and slaps him in the face again.
The man yells, what was that for!
She says, your horse just called...
Google accessing biometrics via wrist wear? Not on my watch.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the my watch deliver jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working my watch gonna piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.