My Son Jokes
103 my son jokes and hilarious my son puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my son that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest My Son Short Jokes
Short my son jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my son humour may include short baby boy jokes also.
- Son In iraq I killed 15 people. Son: Dad you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad:Never said I was a good one - My son kept chewing on electrical chords, so I grounded him... He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
- The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two." - A child asks his father what "gay" means The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".
- My wife beamed at me with pride and said, Wow! I never thought our son would go that far! I said, This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter.
- Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
- My son came home as I was taking his door off it's hinges and asked Dad what are you doing?
We've updated our privacy policy - Father: Son, you were adopted. Son: What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes. - My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils... But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
- I tried to warn my son about the dangers of russian roulette... It went in one ear and out the other.
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My Son One Liners
Which my son one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my son? I can suggest the ones about grandson and newborn son.
- Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? No son, have you seen my dad glasses?
- 6 yr old son made this up. What do exploding pandas eat? BAMBOOM!
- Did you know that Stephen King has a son named joe? I'm not joking, but he is
- My son is 2934 days old today. He was born on 12/12/12.
- Son: "Dad, Am I adopted"? Dad: "Not yet. We still haven't found anyone who wants you."
- My son identifies as a crescent moon. I'm worried, but my wife says it's just a phase.
- One man's trash is another Man's treasure Is not the way to tell your son he is adopted.
- What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital? Plastic surgery.
- Dad joke..... Dad: what are you drinking, son?
Son: Soy Milk
Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre - Son: Dad, how do stars die? Dad: Drugs, usually.
- From my 7 year-old son: What rhymes with 'boo' and really stinks? You.
Why I oughta...! - I met an Anti-Vaxxer today... Unfortunately, I couldn't meet his son.
- I became a proud father today.... My son's 4 but he's been pretty annoying until now
- My son was on eBay this morning. Child services were not impressed with me.
- What do you call a person without a son? Per
Comical & Quirky My Son Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about my son you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean little boy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my son pranks.
My son asked why sStar Wars movies came out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3…
I answered in my best yoda impersonation: 'in charge of scheduling, I was'
My son loved it, I heard a sigh from my SO, and when I looked at her, she just shook her head.
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
I told my son, You will marry the girl I choose.
He said, NO!
I told him, She is Bill Gates' daughter.
He said, OK.
I called Bill Gates and said, I want your daughter to marry my son.
Bill Gates said, NO.
I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.
Bill Gates said, OK.
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, NO.
I told him, My son is Bill Gates' son-in-law.
He said, OK.
This is how politics works.
I heard my son say his first words to me today...
"where have you been the last 20 years?"
I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, "My son is so successful, he's VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car. "
The second says, " That's nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house."
The third says, "Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet."
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, "My son is a gay e**... who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients."
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I'm holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was so exhausted when I went to bed that I slept right through my son and his friends having a r**... w**... and heavy metal party in the yard all thru the night. As the sun came up, the party was still in full swing and my phone had blown up with messages complaining about the noise and the smell.
So I wake up in the morning and I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I scream from the top of my lungs 'WHAT'S GOIN' ON?'
I've spent an hour and a half now trying to explain "sunk cost fallacy" to my son
He's no nearer understanding it than when we started, and it's giving me a serious headache.
But if I quit now I'll have had all this for nothing!
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son's train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
My son asked me, Dad, can we watch Spider Man—Far from Home tonight?
I said, Why? It is the same movie if you watch it nearby.
Then Ok!
Dad: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice."
Son: "No."
Dad: "The girl is Bill Gate's daughter."
Son: "Then Ok!" \*\*
\*\* Dad goes to Bill Gates. \*\*
Dad: "I want your daughter to marry my son."
Bill Gates: "No."
Dad: "My son is the CEO of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Then ok!"
\*\*Dad goes to the President of the World Bank. \*\*
Dad: "Appoint my son as the CEO of your bank."
President: "No!"
Dad: "He is the son-in-law of Bill Gates."
President: "Then OK."
My son, Luke, loves how I named our kids after Star Wars characters...
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My son started dating a goalie for a women's soccer team and asked me what I thought of her.
I said "Son, she's a keeper."
I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...
Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son just asked me where p**... comes from, I gave him a detailed explanation, where he then stood in stunned silence.
Then he asked, What about Tigger?
My son accidentally glued his autobiography to himself
That's his story and he's sticking to it.
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
Today, when my son asked, "Can I have a book mark?" I burst into tears...
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Dave...
Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!
The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.
My son asked me, Dad, can I eat the last piece of cake in the fridge? I smiled and said, Sure..."
"But the dining room would probably be more comfortable.
A Higgs boson walks into a church, goes into the confessional and tells the priest that he's thinking of leaving the church
The priest says, my son, you can't leave the church!
The Higgs boson replies but I must, I am having a real crisis of faith!
The priest says, you don't understand, if you leave then we can't have mass!
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...
Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son asked me what a dilemma was?
"Imagine you're n**... and in a big bed" I explained, "A beautiful woman on one side and a gay man on the other...
Who you going to turn your back on?"
I was washing the car with my son yesterday
He kept shouting, 'Mum, stop! Why can't you use a sponge!' 😀
My wife wasn't happy.
True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"
My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."
My son asked me, "Daddy, why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?" I smiled and answered...
"Swarm."
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...
"It's cutting hedge technology!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman wakes up from a coma and...
A 4-months-pregnant woman falls into a deep coma. 5 months later she wakes up and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are perfectly fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no not my brother! He's an idiot. What did he name the my daughter?
Doctor: Denise
Woman: Oh that's not that bad. What did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mother and a son walk into a doctor's office
Because the son has been doing very poorly in his classes.
The mother says to the doctor "I think my son has become s**...."
The doctor says in reply "Well how do you suppose that would happen?"
"Well I don't know for sure but he hasn't passed a single test since he was vaccinated last year."
"Ah-ha! That's it!"
"So it was the vaccines then?"
"No, it's genetic."
I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!
So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"
My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.
It took him a couple of seconds to realize and then he gave me that wonderful "Really, Dad?" look. I'm so proud.
I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo..
... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...
When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."
Tomorrow my son and I are getting new eyeglasses. And after that?
We'll see.
My son asked if I was named after my dad.
I said, of course I was, he was born many years before me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son is a man trapped in a woman's body
he'll be born in February
My son told me his fortune cookie didn't have a fortune…
Naturally I replied: That's unfortunate.
Four Catholic women are talking about their sons while having coffee together
The first woman says My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Father.'
The second says My sons is a bishop. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Grace.'
The third says My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth just quietly sips her coffee, and the other three give her a well, what about you? type look.
The fourth woman finally says My son is a handsome, 7-foot-tall firefighter. When he walks into a room, everyone says 'Oh. My. God.'
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, "What's his name!?
Smiling, I replied, Tiny!"
My kid laughed and asked, What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?
I explained, Because...he's my newt!"
I felt like a fool when I bought David Bowie tickets for my son and then remembered that he died last year...
Even more so when I remembered that David Bowie died too.
My son is sort of like rapunzel
But instead of letting his hair down he lets everybody down.
I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.
I heard a bang. "3:45 PM", he said.
My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today.
"Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?"
He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad"
"Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".
My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.
So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!
I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.
A man goes to see his rabbi...
... "rabbi, I am very troubled. My son, he went off traveling the world, and came back a christian!" The rabbi replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that. My son also left home, and came back a christian!" The two decide to pray to God about this, and God replies, "you know, it's so strange you say that..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son's train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will bully him because of his name...
I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 6 year old son told me this one. "What do you call a snowman that's having a t**... with two hot princesses?"
I slapped my son and abruptly deleted his youtube kids app.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Four catholic ladies are talking about how important there sons are. (Long)
The first one tells her friends my son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'
The second Catholic woman chirps, while my son is a bishop, when he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'
The third Catholic woman says smugly, Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'
The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle well.....?
She replies, My son is a charismatic, 6'2 , hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, My God.
Catholic
Three old Catholic men and one old Catholic woman were sitting a a table one morning. The first old man said, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room people say Father." The second old man said, "My son is a Bishop, when he walks into a room people say Your Eminence." Third old man says, my son is the Pope, when he walks into a room people say Your Holiness." The old woman says,"My daughter has a 42 inch chest and a 24 inch waist, when she walks into a room people say 'JESUS'."
My son looked up from his homework and asked me, "Dad, what's an acorn?" I smiled and explained...
"Well, in a nutshell, it's an oak tree!"
It was my son's birthday, so I took 4 of his mates for a burger and then bowling.
They had a great time, he would have loved it
I'm so proud of my son
I asked him what the sound of one hand clapping is. He said "dunno" and walked off to his room, but I can hear him trying to figure it out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son was frustrated because apparently he just doesn't understand girls. I assured him saying that that'll change one day.
Yes, when you get older, you won't understand women.
a guy picking up his kids at school sees another kid and says loudly "god, what an ugly kid!"
The person standing next to him says "he's my son..."
The guy, pretty embarassed, replies "oh man, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were his father"
"I'm his mom..."
I saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I asked him where he got that from.
He said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
My son swallowed several coins the other day.
I've definitely seen some change in him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son wanted me to buy him GTA
When I got to the store, I couldn't remember the title. So I told the guy "it's the game where the black guy drives cars round drunk, and shags loads of women"
He gave me a copy of tiger woods PGA golf
*A joke my son told me* - What do you call it when a cat wins a dog show?
A Cat-Has-Trophey!
My son is walking through the house, shouting Duck! Duck! Duck!
I told him to stop using fowl language.
My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he'll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years.
My husband replied, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two families make a bet on who can be more american
Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.
A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.
How about you?"
The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, t**..."
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
A boy asked his father...
"Dad, what's the difference between confidence, and confidential?"
The father thinks for a moment and says, "You are my son, and that I am confident of. Your friend billy is also my son but that's confidential."
An Irish boy comes home after school. His father asks him how his day went. The boy replies: "I think I'm in love."
His father says: "But that's great, son! Tell me, who are you in love with? Is it Fiona?"
No.
"Is it Mary?"
No.
"Is it Rosy?"
NO, dad... I... I'm in love with Tim.
The father explodes:
"Tim? TIM? My son, why are you doing this to your family?
Tim is Protestant!!
I asked my son what he wanted to be when he grew up and he said, "Batman."
Now my wife and I refuse to take him to the theater.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife and I found some s**... videos on my son's computer...
"What should we do?"
"Well, we can't s**... him."
I told my son that I found his hamster in our vacuum cleaner.
With tears in his eyes he said, "Please get a new one, daddy..."
"I was thinking the same," I said, "the suction is absolutely terrible."
I asked my teenage son to pass me the phone book
He laughed, called me a dinosaur and handed me his iPhone.
So, the spider is dead. The iPhone is broken and my son is furious.
I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that his teacher is "an idiot" and she's "out to get him."
Which is just the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.
