My Pleasure Jokes
110 my pleasure jokes and hilarious my pleasure puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my pleasure that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest My Pleasure Short Jokes
Short my pleasure jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my pleasure humour may include short pleasure jokes also.
- What is the most sensitive part of your body while pleasuring yourself? Your ear listening for foot steps.
- Hippies. Had the pleasure to meet a couple of hippies today, and they hooted at me for making fun of them. Apparently the politically correct term was 'conjoined twins'.
- YUK! A man walks in on his daughter pleasuring her-self with a cucumber.
He yells at her: "Oh god, that's disgusting! I was going to eat that, and now it's gonna taste of cucumber" - David Hasselhoff walks into a bar and orders a drink. It's a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, says the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, he replied.
Sure, said the bartender, No hassle. - A man gets home and sees his wife pleasuring herself with a cucumber "What are you doing?" he shouts, "I have to eat that later, and I don't want it tasting like cucumber!"
- What's common between a Game Tester and Gynecologist. They both look for problems in places where other men find pleasure.
- Son: Mom, why is my sister called Teresa? Mom: Because Teresa is an Anagram of Easter and we love Easter!
Son: Oh I see. Thanks mom!
Mom: My pleasure Alan. - What's the difference between a cup and a mug? being cupped is far more pleasurable than being mugged
- A seal walks into a bar
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"
The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."
- The similarities between alcohol and girls... ... Both have the quality of giving pleasure at night and headache in the morning.
Share These My Pleasure Jokes With Friends
My Pleasure One Liners
Which my pleasure one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my pleasure? I can suggest the ones about pleased and thanks giving.
- What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable? Mrs Hawking.
- What do you call a cow pleasuring itself? Beef Strokinoff
- What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?. A tearjerker
- It only takes 3.5 to pleasure a woman. It can be Visa, Master Card, or Amex.
- Recycling Adult Toys "One man's trash is another man's pleasure!"
- How does the karate Kid pleasure himself? Wax off
- "I find pleasure in the little things"... ...Said the pedofile to the court.
- I secretly love men from Scotland... It's my kilty pleasure.
- Hillary Clinton Style Condoms! *Rigged for her pleasure*
- How do you make a frog more pleasurable? Rib it
- Have you seen these frog-skin condoms? They're ribbet for her pleasure.
- How does a pornstar say good bye to a client? Nice business doing pleasure with you.
- What do you call an aquatic pleasure trip to Jerusalem? A cruiseade.
- Name a girl who pleasures herself with a vegetable? Steven Hawking's wife
- Don't talk to me about self pleasure. Its a very touchy subject.
My Pleasure Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about my pleasure you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean thanking jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my pleasure pranks.
Adam's new wife
Adam had been in the garden of Eden for several years without someone to share his life with. One day, he asked God for a companion.
God said to him, "I can give you a wife that will be everything you could dream of. Humble and submissive, she will make your life nothing but pleasurable. However, to make her I'll need an arm and a leg."
Adam says, "Aw what, that s**...! What can I get for a rib?"
An American businessman was in Japan...
He hired a local h**... and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."
A man is asked to give a speech on r**......
He stands up and says "Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure..."
Then sat down.
Check up.
So a guy goes to the doctor to get his check up. He gets in there and the doctors looking him over and says "you're going to have to stop pleasuring yourself" and the man asks why? The doctor replies "because I'm trying to examine you".
A handsome black guy picks up a woman at the bar
They leave and go back to the woman's place for some drinks and soon things start to get hot and heavy. They start making out and as the black guy is kissing her neck she suddenly shouts out in pleasure, "SHOW ME THAT IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BLACK MEN!"
So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.
Confession
A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. "Father O'Malley," he says, "my name is Emil Cohen. I'm seventy eight years old. Believe it or not, I'm currently involved with a 28 year old girl, and also, on the side, her 19 year old sister. We engage in all manner of pleasure, and in my entire life I've never felt better." "My good man," says the priest, "I think you've come to the wrong place. Why are you telling me?" And the guy goes: "I'm telling everybody!"
A Scottish Sargent knocks on a w**...-house door.
When the madam answers he says "Excuse me madam. But could you tell me how much you would charge for the pleasure of my company?"
The madam gives her price and they negotiate back and forth until they come to a bargain. Once the reach agreement the Sargent says "That sounds like a fair price."
Then he turns, gestures behind himself and yells "OK lads. We have a deal. Company h**...!"
What did the p**... say to her client?
"It's a business doing pleasure with you."
Heaven Between Legs
A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.
"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."
"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed. "For years he has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!"
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
So a man is at an airport.
He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.
The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"
The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."
Dean of Women...
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on s**... morality.
We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation, she said, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?
How much of s**... is work?
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of s**... was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?" A Major chimed in with 25-75% in favor of work . A Captain said it was 50-50%. A lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure , depending on how drunk he was at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was your opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why.
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
Three Universities ...
Three Universities all done research into why a mans bell end is shaped the way it is.
Oxford Uni spent £100,000 in 6 months and came to the conclusion it is for the pleasure of the woman.
Cambridge Uni spent £250,000 in 18 months and came to the conclusion its for the pleasure of the man.
Dublin Uni spent 50 pence in 5 minutes and came to the conclusion its to stop your hand flying off the end.
What did the p**... say to her customer after he finished paying?
"It was a business doing pleasure with you."
I'd like to teach under-privelaged kids lattice geometry
Nothing would give me more pleasure than getting at-risk youth hooked on crystal math.
I found a joke recorded in an old book from my great great great great grandfather in 1881
A married woman said to her husband. You have never taken me to the cemetery. No dear, replied he. that is a pleasure I have yet in anticipation.
How do you pleasure a capitalist?
An invisible h**....
s**... Pleasure is like a gas station
Sometimes you just fill up and leave
Sometimes you do none of the work
Sometimes you have to pay the person filling
Most of the time you end up at a Self Serve
a stepfather walks in on his stepdaughter
a stepfather walks into his stepdaughter's room, as he walks in he sees his stepdaughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber, in disgust he leaves her room as fast as possible
he then says,"d**... I was gonna eat that!..................
now it will taste like cucumber"
Adam was the original s**...-positive feminist...
He was ribbed for her pleasure.
A man was in Japan, and had hired a p**...
And as he was going at it, she was screaming "Fujifoo! Fujifoo!"
He took this as that she was screaming with pleasure, and kept going.
The next day, he was playing golf with some Japanese friends. On one hole, he manages to score a hole in one. He jumps up into the air and exclaims "Fujifoo!"
His friends say to him "No, no, it's the right hole..."
What is a shark's guilty pleasure?
A mouth full of s**....
What is a sure way to pleasure 9 out of 10 people?
Gang r**....
Is it any wonder men have been obsessed with s**... since biblical times?
After all, Adam was ribbed for his own pleasure
A Chinese man is making love to his wife...
The man is going for it m**... style, he slides up her body, kisses her softly and whispers in her ear, "Baby, I wanna 69!". Immediately, her face turns from pleasure to confusion and anger, she replies, "You want Salt and Pepper Chicken NOW?"
I've never been interrupted while m**...
I've always had the pleasure of never being interrupted while m**.... I don't know if it's because I play it safe or the people next to me just don't want to be rude.
Apart from humans, the only creature that has s**... for pleasure is the dolphin...
Do you know how many animals I had to screw to find that out?
I made love to my wife last night but instead of using a normal c**..., I used a frog skin…
I thought I'd rib it for her pleasure.
Why are the vegetarians silent during s**...?
Because they are shocked by the pleasure they can get from a piece of meat.
What does the h**... say after you pay her?
Thank you, it's a business doing pleasure with you.
A joke a Polish colleague just told me.
When a Polish man is tasked with killing a German and a Russian, he is asked who he will kill first.
The answer is first the German, after the Russian.
When asking for an explanation, he says 'Duty comes first, pleasure comes after'.
An attractive woman was reading The History of p**... on the bus the other day...
... I struck up a conversations opening with "That seems interesting"
She responds: "It really is! Did you know that Native Americans have the longest p**... in the world? And Poles the girthiest!"
She extends her hand, I grab it and say... "Tonto Polanski, pleasure to meet you"
Gynaecologists are the most negative people you can find
Because they look for faults where others look for pleasure
Blind Man
A woman is taking a shower when there's a knock at her door. The person calls out blind man . The woman figures the man can't see her in the n**..., so she steps out of the shower and walks to the door. The man is greeted by quite the surprise and takes pleasure in looking at the woman from top to bottom. To her shock, the man can see perfectly and after a few moments, asks her where he can put up her new window blinds.
It's funny that condoms are ribbed for her pleasure...
Because in Genesis, God ribbed Adam for Eve.
How'd the r**... find his daughter in the woods?
Pleasurable
Unexpected morning s**...:
I stumbled into the kitchen to see my wife cooking our usual breakfast of soft-boiled eggs and toast.
Barely awake, I thought perhaps I was dreaming when she suddenly took off her gown and demanded I make love with her there and then.
Soon finished, she turned back to the stove and said thanks . I said, My pleasure, dear, you seemed so inspired, thank you!
Dryly, she drawled, Don't get used to it, the egg timer's broken.
Vegan girls never moan during s**...
Because they don't want to admit that a piece of meat gave them such pleasure.
What do you say to a h**... as she's leaving?
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
Arrested at the airport
I'm a car salesman going to New York for the unveiling of the new Porsche 911 model
When i landed in New York the TSA asked me are you here for business or pleasure
I responded I'm here for the new 911
Ladies tell me I'm a gentleman in bed
Probably because the pleasure is all mine, everytime.
On the day I got married, at the ceremony, I stood up and tapped my glass for everyone to be silent.
I held up a fruit and said nothing, scanning the crowd for any sign of pleasure.
All I got was a series of blank expressions, and I could feel my animosity growing as I searched each person, then the next.
"What's wrong with you all?" I finally shouted. "I thought you guys would love my wedding's peach!"
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar
and ordered a drink.
Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff, said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, the actor replied.
Sure, the bartender said, no hassle.
A father walks in on her daughter pleasuring herself with a cucumber.
"g**..." he says, "I was gonna eat it. Now it will taste like cucumber."
Son: Dad what is 69?
Dad: Hmmm... well son, it is a position where a man and a woman pleasure each other o**... at the same time.
Son: So. What shall I write? Odd or even?
Dad:....
Why are frog d**... the best?
They ribbit for your pleasure.
I hope my girlfriend likes this new, quirky method that I've devised to pleasure her.
Fingers crossed.
As the p**... finished her session, she said,
It was a business doing pleasure with you.
A Biker was working on his bike, when a blind woman walks up to him.
She says "I hear you're a biker? I love bikers, I'm going to give you the most pleasure you've ever had in your life."
The biker got excited and said "sure, go ahead!"
The next think he knew, she was moaning "oh yeah, you like that don't you?"
Confused, the biker looked around.
Turned out she was just yanking his chain.
David Hasselhoff walks into a bar..
It's a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff , said the bartender.
Just call me Hoff, if it's not too much trouble , he replied.
Sure , said the bartender, no hassle .
A vulture arrives at the airport check-in. He's carrying a dead rabbit under one wing.
"Return ticket to Death Valley please."
"Pleasure trip?"
"Yup, sort of a u-pick kind of thing."
"LOL, very good! Ok, here you go. Are you checking the rabbit?"
"No, this is carrion."
A young lady sitting alone in a restaurant when maitre'd approaches with a presentable looking gentlemen
\- I am sorry. We are overbooked, but i see you have a sit available at your table. Would you mind if this gentlemen shares a table with you?
She agrees. And before taking his sit the gentlemen introduces himself.
\- Hello, My name is John Smith. I am a politician, but I want to let you know that I am a honest person.
She says:
\- It's a pleasure to meet you. My name is Natasha, I am a high-priced p**..., but i want to let you know that i am a v**....
Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day
The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.
"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"
"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he says handing over the key. "I appreciate its quite late so we'll have a bit of a later start tomorrow. Are you happy to meet us in the lobby for ten-ish?"
"Tennish?" asks Sean, "but I didn't even bring my racket!"
... An old joke in honor of the great man.
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
An intern proudly greets his boss as she walks in the office...
"I took the pleasure of getting here early and doing a few tasks to help your day go smoother. I even pruned the ivy hanging on your wall."
She glared at him and stormed into her office and sure enough, almost half of the plant's leaves were in the garbage leaving the poor ivy looking pathetic. "What have you done!?! This plant is plastic!"
The intern smiled and said, "I don't think so, I did the same thing a few months ago and it grew back nice and full!"
The boss yelled, "NO IT DIDN'T! I BOUGHT A NEW ONE!"
I imagine doing a massive s**... is a lot like giving birth;
You push and strain really hard, feel happy when it finally comes out, and then there's no greater pleasure then admiring and holding it for the first very first time.
I joined a debate club today, when I arrived everyone was pleasuring themselves
They were mass debating.
The dean of women at an exclusive girl's college was lecturing her students on s**... morality......
In moments of temptation, said the speaker to the class, ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?
A sweet young thing in the back of the room rose to ask: How do you make it last an hour?
I never had the pleasure of meeting you
Me: I never had the pleasure of meeting you ...
She: Come on, we've met thrice before.
Me: Yes, but I never had the pleasure.