My Mum Jokes
112 my mum jokes and hilarious my mum puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my mum that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest My Mum Short Jokes
Short my mum jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my mum humour may include short mommy jokes also.
- I asked my mum "How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed. - "Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?" "Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
"Thanks dad !"
"No problem Alan" - My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
- Son: why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan - My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
- I was washing the car with my son yesterday He kept shouting, 'Mum, stop! Why can't you use a sponge!' 😀
- I just explained Google images to my mum... "Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.
"Except that." I replied. - I was tickling my brothers feet last night... ...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.
- When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.
- My mum got really annoyed when I tried to tickle my little sister's feet... she said something about 'waiting till she was born'.
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My Mum One Liners
Which my mum one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my mum? I can suggest the ones about mums and my missus.
- Your mum is so slow It took her 9 months to come up with a good joke
- What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school Mum bai
- For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.
- Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch! Hermione: Emma Watson?
- What did Indian say to mum when he left? Mumbai.
- I remember when my mum would tuck me in. She really wanted a daughter.
- My mum didn't think I'd give our daughter a silly name... ... but I called her Bluff.
- My Wife is always cutting herself shaving... I guess her mum didn't razor right
- my mum just started a dating site for chickens She'd do anything to make hens meet
- Your mum is so fat Before she was buried the earth was a disc.
- My mum was upset when I put ginger in the pasta last night I guess she liked that cat
- I have my own private jet But my mum owns the rest of the jacuzzi.
- What's the worst part about being an egg? You only get laid once and it's by your mum.
- Bought a new car and showed it to my mum. I said, "have a look at my karma"
- The trampoline used to be called a jumpoline until your mum jumped on it
Charming Humor My Mum Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about my mum you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mom dad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my mum pranks.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed.
It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.
"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(
When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon
When I was young, my mum used to put food on a spoon and say, "There's a train coming. There's a train coming." We'd always eat it because we knew that if we didn't she wouldn't untie us from the railway line.
I accidentally called out my mums name during s**...
and my sister hasn't talked to me since.
I went mad when I found out my mum used to have s**... with animals before I was born...
I killed her with my bear hands.
My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid
She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.
I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth
I asked my mum if I could lick the bowl when she was finished.
She replied "why can't you flush it like everyone else"
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, s**... would be the last thing I'd do."
Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?
Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!
It's just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during s**....
I accidentally shouted out my sister's name last week…
My mum was not happy!
I took a girl back to my house for s**... last night.
After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
You'll have to be really quiet, I whispered, My mum & dad are asleep.
I can see that, she said, Have you not got your own bed?
I tickled my little sister's foot this morning and my mum went crazy about it...
..something about waiting until she was born
When I was young, at bedtimes...
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
My mum told me to stop tickling my little brothers feet.
Apparently I should wait until he is born.
My mum said she didn't want me home later than 12.
So at 12:01 I opened the front door and went outside.
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
The Heart Attack
THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband n**... lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally n**... and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten b**...', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
n**... playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
My mum loses it when I tickle my baby brother's feet
It's something about waiting until he is born or whatever..
A teacher asks her class
to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
Teacher: What are your parents' names?
Boy: My dad's name is laughing and my mum's name is smiling.
Teacher: You must be kidding!
Boy: Nope, I am joking.
When I was a child my mum always used to bathe me in cheap Australian beer.
It wasn't till I was 18 that I realized I'd been Fostered....
The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.
Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".
"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it took the contagious!".
I handle important transactions for a large multinational company ...
... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald's.
For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.
One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby k**.... Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!"
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, h**...-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
My mum has a photo of me in her wallet and not of my siblings
She said whenever she face an obstacle, she looks at my photo and her problem disappears.
I really felt touched until she said she tells her self: "what other problem can be bigger than this one?"
My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.
The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.
Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"
Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"
Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.
Love this kid!
My mum showed my girlfriend my baby photos.
"You haven't changed at all," said my girlfriend.
"Alright mum," I said, "that's enough of the n**... ones."
My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....
So I say to her, look Mum, my house, my prices!
My mum got my report card and said I'm not very happy . I said okay . She said I need more A's .
I said Okaaaaaay
My mum keeps asking if I have a girlfriend...
Give it a rest mum...it's never going to happen between us
I remember my mum tucking me in when I was younger
in hindsight she made it pretty obvious she wanted a girl.
I dint know what to buy for my dad as his birthday present, so I gave him 100 dollars and told him to buy something that will make his life easier
He bought something for my mum.
Karen
My mum usually complains about everything but lately she's gotten bored of it. I guess you could say that she's past the point of Karen.
My mum is a midwife and she always messes up jokes...
Which is strange, because I thought midwives were great at delivery.
My mum always told me she didn't have a favourite child.
Bit sad really. I'm an only child
When I was a kid -
My mum used to send me to the corner shop of our street with a ten-bob note, and for that I'd bring back 6 eggs, 2 bottles of milk, a loaf of bread, 5lb of potatoes and a packet of sweets for me. Trouble is, you can't do that today.....
Too many cameras.
When I was a little boy
When I was a little boy I asked my mum 'how many is a couple?' She replied 'oh, two or three'
Now I know why her marriage didn't last long
"What's a couple," I asked my mum.
She replied: "two or three."
That probably explains why my dad left us.
I always felt proud when my mum told people that of all her kids, I was her easiest pregnancy and birth.
Then I turned 21 and found out that I was adopted.
I was so ugly as a baby
when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.
My mum just gave me control of the cutlery...
It's a huge respoonsibility.
My mum told me if I get a tattoo I will have to move out.
My father could not lose the opportunity and got a tattoo himself.
I told my mum I was goingto make a car out of spaghetti
She was really surprised when I drove pasta
My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".
I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.
"How far have you gone with a girl?"
"I went to Canada with my mum once"
My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers.
So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.
I asked my mum how much is in a couple
She told me "Around two or three."
Probably explains why dad left her.
My mum doesn't want me to die.
She said it's because 'mistakes come back to haunt you'.
Chinese
Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my house so it must be one of them. It's either my mum, my dad, my older brother Steve or my younger brother Lao Huan. My money's on Steve.
I looked out of the window and my dad was slumped over the lawnmower
crying his eyes out. I said to my mum "what's up with him?"
She said "he's just going through a rough patch here".
My mum laughed at me when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti....
You should have seen her face when I drove straight pasta!
boxers
I was in my room the other day pulling off my boxers when my mum walked in and said "you spoil them dogs you do".
My mum burst into tears as I placed her 50th Birthday card in her hands, she said
"One really would of been enough"
I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum.
That makes it very difficult to enjoy any l**....
I got booed off stage for saying I still live with my mum...
Never doing a charity gig for an orphanage again...
My mum asked me to hand out invitations for my younger sister's surprise party...
...That's when I realised she's the favourite twin.
I was chatting up this woman.
I said, "You're the sort of woman I could introduce to my mum."
"Aww," she smiled, "Can you?"
I said, "Of course, I'll drive us to the cemetery tomorrow."
Yesterday I took l**... and I wrestled with a grass snake for three hours.
On an unrelated note, my mum needs a new garden hose.
My mum told me "Never give up on your dreams"
So I went to sleep
When I was growing up my Mum always use to wash my hair in lager
It wasn't until many years later that I realized I had been fostered......
My mum is the funniest person in the world
She made a joke 19 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
She said "should I invite my mum down for Christmas?"
"No, leave her in the attic", I replied
My mum said I should eat more vegetables
But the hospital banned me
Mistakes
I told my mum to embrace her mistakes. So She hugged me
