My Mum Jokes
112 my mum jokes and hilarious my mum puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my mum that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest My Mum Short Jokes
Short my mum jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my mum humour may include short mommy jokes also.
- I asked my mum "How much is a couple?" "2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed. - My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.
- Son: why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: Coz your mum loves easter - it's an anagram
Son: Thanks dad
Dad: No problem Alan - My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too
- I was washing the car with my son yesterday He kept shouting, 'Mum, stop! Why can't you use a sponge!' 😀
- I just explained Google images to my mum... "Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.
"Except that." I replied. - I was tickling my brothers feet last night... ...and my mum woke up and had a right go at me. It was something about waiting until he's born first.
- When I was a kid... ... I asked my mum what a couple was and she said, 'Oh, two or three'. And she wonders why her marriage didn't work out.
- My mum tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she'd just ironed. It may sound far-fetched but it's true. I watched it all unfold.
- Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."
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My Mum One Liners
Which my mum one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my mum? I can suggest the ones about my missus and mom dad.
- What did the Indian kid say to his parents when he left for school Mum bai
- For Christmas my mum bought me a t-shirt saying, "I'm a nudist." I haven't worn it yet.
- Hermione's son: Mum, you're a witch! Hermione: Emma Watson?
- What did Indian say to mum when he left? Mumbai.
- my mum just started a dating site for chickens She'd do anything to make hens meet
- My mum was upset when I put ginger in the pasta last night I guess she liked that cat
- Bought a new car and showed it to my mum. I said, "have a look at my karma"
- Why did the biscuit cry? His mum had been a wafer too long.
- What did the orphan kid say when he was riding his bike? Look hands, no mum..
- My mum just gave me control of the cutlery... It's a huge respoonsibility.
- "How far have you gone with a girl?" "I went to Canada with my mum once"
- My mum doesn't want me to die. She said it's because 'mistakes come back to haunt you'.
- Gandhi's Mum: How much do you Love me? Gandhi: From the bottom of Mahatma
- My mum told me "Never give up on your dreams" So I went to sleep
- My mum said I should eat more vegetables But the hospital banned me
Charming Humor My Mum Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about my mum you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mamma jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my mum pranks.
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's"
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
"The word of the day is 'contagious'" Said the teacher, "Who can use it in a sentence?"
Little Jenny stood up and said "My dad has a cold and said its contagious"
The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.
Billy stood up and said "Miss, my mum has the flu, and I think its contagious"
Happy with Billy's response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.
Little Johnny stood up...
"Miss, my next door neighbour is painting his house with a 1 inch brush and my dad said its going to take the contagious."
Classic dad joke, but in bad taste
So we were having a family dinner for the first time in a while.
My mum was saying how terrible the situation in Nepal is, when my Dad says "it's nepalling isn't it?"
I had a good laugh, feeling guilty after :(
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I accidentally called out my mums name during s**...
and my sister hasn't talked to me since.
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I went mad when I found out my mum used to have s**... with animals before I was born...
I killed her with my bear hands.
I asked my mum if I could lick the bowl when she was finished.
She replied "why can't you flush it like everyone else"
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My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, s**... would be the last thing I'd do."
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Little Johnny at it again...
Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.
After a few days of this happening, the teacher became very worried and asked him about it.
Johnny's answer was: "Our house is very small Miss. Me, my mum and my dad, we sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I say 'No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."
So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet and don't say a word".
The following morning Little Johnny comes to school and no black eye, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief. The day after that, Johnny comes back with a massive black eye again.
"My goodness Johnny, another black eye? What happened?"
Johnny explains: "Miss, Dad asked me again, 'Johnny are you sleeping?.... and I shut up and kept very still. Then my dad and my mum started moving {you know} at the same time. Mum was breathing heavy and k**... her legs all over the place.....
Then my dad asks me mum: 'Are you coming?' Then my mum says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my dad answered 'Yes'.
They don't usually go anywhere without me, so i said 'Wait for me..."
Teacher - how did our grandparents kill time without smartphones or internet ?
Student- I've already asked this question to my mum, her 5 brothers and 7 sisters !!
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It's just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during s**....
I accidentally shouted out my sister's name last week…
My mum was not happy!
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I took a girl back to my house for s**... last night.
After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
You'll have to be really quiet, I whispered, My mum & dad are asleep.
I can see that, she said, Have you not got your own bed?
When I was young, at bedtimes...
My mum used to tell me fairy stories with a happy ending. Just one of the benefits of having a masseuse as a parent I guess.
My mum said she didn't want me home later than 12.
So at 12:01 I opened the front door and went outside.
I was always told to we should celebrate our mistakes
I guess that's why my mum throws me a birthday party every year
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The Heart Attack
THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband n**... lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally n**... and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten b**...', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
n**... playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
A teacher asks her class
to use the word "contagious". Roland, the teacher's pet, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."
Teacher: What are your parents' names?
Boy: My dad's name is laughing and my mum's name is smiling.
Teacher: You must be kidding!
Boy: Nope, I am joking.
The teacher asks her students to use the word "contagious" in a sentence.
Jenny pipes up instantly; "My mum has the flu, I think it's contagious!".
"Excellent work!", the teacher responds. "Anyone else have an example? What about you Seamus?"
Seamus McDougall, the new Irish exchange student, thinks for a moment.
"M' Pa made me lunch t'day, but it took the contagious!".
I handle important transactions for a large multinational company ...
... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald's.
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For weeks, Tommy was telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister who was going to be coming to his house soon.
One day at home, Tommy's mother let him feel the baby k**.... Tommy didn't say anything, and he stopped talking about the baby at school. Finally the teacher sat Tommy down and said, "Whatever happened to your new baby sister?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think my mummy ate her!"
My mum has a photo of me in her wallet and not of my siblings
She said whenever she face an obstacle, she looks at my photo and her problem disappears.
I really felt touched until she said she tells her self: "what other problem can be bigger than this one?"
My two year-old son told his first joke today. Afterwards, he burst out laughing for about 5 minutes straight saying 'I'm so funny' over and over again.
The joke.
Son comes in carrying a soft toy, a cow.
Son: "Mummy Mummy cow is being noisy!"
Mummy: "How is cow being nois---"
Son: "Moooooooo!!!!"
Then bursts into loud laughter.
Love this kid!
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My mum showed my girlfriend my baby photos.
"You haven't changed at all," said my girlfriend.
"Alright mum," I said, "that's enough of the n**... ones."
My mum keeps moaning about the cost of things these days. £2.50 for a sandwich, £1.50 for coffee, £12.50 for a Sunday lunch....
So I say to her, look Mum, my house, my prices!
My mum keeps asking if I have a girlfriend...
Give it a rest mum...it's never going to happen between us
I dint know what to buy for my dad as his birthday present, so I gave him 100 dollars and told him to buy something that will make his life easier
He bought something for my mum.
Karen
My mum usually complains about everything but lately she's gotten bored of it. I guess you could say that she's past the point of Karen.
My mum is a midwife and she always messes up jokes...
Which is strange, because I thought midwives were great at delivery.
My mum always told me she didn't have a favourite child.
Bit sad really. I'm an only child
I always felt proud when my mum told people that of all her kids, I was her easiest pregnancy and birth.
Then I turned 21 and found out that I was adopted.
I was so ugly as a baby
when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.
My mum told me if I get a tattoo I will have to move out.
My father could not lose the opportunity and got a tattoo himself.
My mum's favourite piece of advice to give me when I was growing up was, "Whenever life puts an obstacle in your way, the best way to deal with it is to tackle it head on".
I used to think she was wise but now I'm nursing a concussion and being sued for damages, since my neighbor parked in front of my driveway last week.
My mum told me, when I visit grandma in hospital, I should take her flowers.
So, when grandma wasn't looking, I took them.
I looked out of the window and my dad was slumped over the lawnmower
crying his eyes out. I said to my mum "what's up with him?"
She said "he's just going through a rough patch here".
boxers
I was in my room the other day pulling off my boxers when my mum walked in and said "you spoil them dogs you do".
My mum burst into tears as I placed her 50th Birthday card in her hands, she said
"One really would of been enough"
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I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum.
That makes it very difficult to enjoy any l**....
I was chatting up this woman.
I said, "You're the sort of woman I could introduce to my mum."
"Aww," she smiled, "Can you?"
I said, "Of course, I'll drive us to the cemetery tomorrow."
My mum is the funniest person in the world
She made a joke 19 years ago and people are still laughing at it.
She said "should I invite my mum down for Christmas?"
"No, leave her in the attic", I replied
My mum has a small shop near the beach, where you can buy batteries ...
She sells C cells by the seashore.
To my high school teacher who said I'd never amount to anything...
Please use your psychic gift to tell me next week's winning lottery numbers. My mum will kick me out of her basement if I don't pay the rent I owe!
My mum and dad just named their new puppy Spliff
They said it was a joint decision.
My Mum said to me last week that she had been looking forward to Mother's Day for ages.
I said "Why? Your Mum's dead".
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Little Johnny took a leak with his classmate in the school loo.
His classmate noticed that after peeing, Johnny didn't wash his hands. He then proceeded to ask:
"Johnny, why do you not wash your hands after peeing?"
"Is there a need to do so?"
"Yes! My mum taught me to wash after peeing, to wash off pee in my hands."
"Well, I think your mom is s**... for that matter."
"How come, Johnny?"
"My mum never taught me to pee on my hands!"
My mum warned me not to steal any of her kitchen utensils. Little did she know..
it is a whisk i am willing to take...
My mum thinks I drink too much water.
She called me an aquaholic
My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism…
she wouldn't fancy her chances.
My mum was rushed to hospital so I left a voicemail for my dad. "Dad, can you call me urgently?"
I got a phone call from him, "Hi Urgently"
I told my mum she was invading my privacy
She told me I came out her privacy
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When I was a kid my mum walked in on me m**...
A little later she had send my dad up to talk to me about it.
"So your mum told me you were, you know... Touching yourself down there - and, ergh... Don't do that son, it'll male your eyes go bad"
I said: "I'm over here dad"
Asked my mum what she'd like for her birthday.
I wanna Dyson. She said excitedly.
So that's why is smothered her with a pillow, your honour
We were sat outside in the sun and my mum says "It's nice getting some vitamin D isn't it" my grandma then said " I get my vitamin D every day" then gave that look to my grandad
I am currently digging my grave
I wanna get married!
So a four year old says to his dad, "I want to get married dad". His dad, obviously a little bemused, chuckles and asks his son, "who do you want to marry?" His son responds, "to grandma." His dad chuckles a little and responds, "that's a little tricky. Why do you want to marry Grandma?" The son replies, "she always calls me handsome and tells me in her husband and it makes me happy, so I want to marry her." His dad responds to this saying, "well grandma is my mum so I don't know about that." The son says to his dad, "well you're married to my mum so I should be able to marry your mum."
My mum's reached the stage of her life where all she does is tell me about people that have died. "you know Doreen? She's just died. You know Margery? She's just died."
I said to her "mum, get off the roof and give me the gun"
Whenever I asked for an ice cream from the van, my Mum would tell me that when they played music it meant that they'd run out
This isn't a joke, I'm 30 yrs old now finding out otherwise.
It seems I passed my mummy embalming exam...
It was a no brainer!
My mum said to me, "can you please pass me a book mark?"
Absolutely broken. 25 years old and she doesn't know my name is Scott.
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Yo Mama jokes hit differently when you're Indian
Like are you dissing my mum or my uncle? I need clarity
My mum was killed by cancer...
Wait no, my dad was a Sagittarius.
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I recently swapped a Sarcophagus for a bottle of Bacardi
Well they certainly gave me a r**... for my mummy
I dont know what land got sold to the US by Russia but my mum does...
Alaska
My mum fed me yeast and put me in the oven.
Just how I was raised.
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My mum told my girlfriend that I'm a big softy.
She said, "No he isn't, he's not even big when he's e**...."
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One day my mum made a stew out of cow intestines.
It tasted offal.
