My Mom Jokes
135 my mom jokes and hilarious my mom puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my mom that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest My Mom Short Jokes
Short my mom jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my mom humour may include short my mum jokes also.
- Son: "Mom, Dad, I'm gay." Mom: *Stares at Dad*
Dad: *Clenches fist*
Mom: "Don't!"
Dad: *Sweats Profusely*
Mom: "..."
Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
- Having homosexual parents must be terrible Either you have double dosage of dad jokes or you are stuck in cycle of go ask your mom
- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day! - Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet. Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
- Daughter: mom I'm going to a sleepover at jack's Mom: use protection
daughter: mom I'm 15
Mom: and I'm 30 - I feel sad for people with gay parents They either get twice the number of dad jokes or are stuck in the infinite loop of 'ask mom'
- My mom wrote this joke: What's the difference between a sweet potato fresh out of the oven and a pig thrown off a balcony? One is a heated yam and the other is a yeeted ham
- The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!
- "Mom? Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital..." "Jeremy, you've been a doctor for over 8 years now, please stop starting every phone conversation we have with that."
- My favourite childhood memory with my grandad is when i was building a sand castle with him... ...until my mom took the urn back.
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My Mom One Liners
Which my mom one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my mom? I can suggest the ones about mommy and moms.
- Your mom is so fat she starts the alphabet with the letter "O"... O B C D...
- I asked my mom if by any chance i was adopted ? She said - why would we choose you..
- Your mom is so ugly... That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask
- Kid: "Mom, am I ugly?" Mom: "I told you not to call me mom in public."
- Mom, why am I getting christmas gifts in July? Because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.
- My mom used to tuck me in at night... I think she really wanted a girl.
- You're mom's so slow... ...that it took her 9 months to make a joke.
- MOM! I'm being called gay in school. Who is calling you that son?
A bunch of cute boys. - Mom, am I ugly? "I told you not to call me mom in front of people"
- A pregnant teen and her baby is thinking the same thing... "My mom is gonna kill me."
- What do Bernie Sanders supporters call their roommates? Mom & Dad
- They used to be called "Jumpolines" ...until your mom jumped on one back in 1972.
- Your mom is so slow It took her nine months to make a joke
- As a young boy my mom would always tuck me in at night She always wanted a girl.
- Your mom so fat.. Her favorite jewellery is the food chain
Howlingly Hilarious My Mom Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about my mom you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mom dad jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my mom pranks.
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.
She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said
"It didn't work out."
She told me to be more specific so I said
"I just told you, she didn't exercise."
My mom just told me this one
Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?
Me: really? Who?
Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...
Me: Witherspoon?
Mom: no, with her knife
I try to teach my mom something new everyday.
Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.
When I was a kid my mom used to say " Perdon my French" when she said any bad word.
I'll never forget the day in school when my teacher ask if could speak French.
My mom dropped this one on me
Mom and I, her 27-year-old son, had had an argument about my clothes. She pointed to a hole in my shirt and said, "There's a big hole in your shirt!"
I responded, "Yeah? Well there's a big hole in your face and dumb things keep coming out of it," pointing to her mouth.
Without a pause, she snaps back, "Not nearly as dumb as the thing that fell out of my other hole 27 years ago."
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta.
So my mom is getting her foot cut off today.. (really)
We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot.
I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.
I recently found out my mom has a disturbing f**.... She has slept with several underage teenagers and I am really concerned about their well being.
The victims contacted me while playing CoD.
My dad was always drunk when I was a kid
The punchline?
It was my mom, then my sister, then me
Two boys are in the woods...
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
A young boy was kissed by a girl he really liked.
But after only a few seconds, the boy abruptly ended his first kiss. "I'm so sorry, but I can't continue!" he said. "Why not," the girl asked, "didn't you like it?"
"No, that's not it," the boy replied. "It's my mom. She said that if I kiss a girl before I'm sixteen, I'll turn into a statue. And I could feel it starting already."
My little sister made a face at my mom and said "Guess who I am?"
My mom answered "Who?"
"Your daughter"
courtesy of my 4 year old sister about 20 minutes ago
My favorite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandmother
until my mom took the urn from me.
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard.
But I don't give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"
Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
Yet another r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**......
A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**.... Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains...
"My mom just told me I'm adopted"
A teacher asks her class to use 'contagious' in a sentence
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence. Sally, the class genius, raises her hand and says, "Last year I got the mumps, and my mom said it was contagious."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Would anyone else like to try?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and stands to give his answer.
"Our mean next door neighbor was painting her house by hand, and my dad said it would take the contagious.
This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom.
He said it was the best trade he's ever made
birthday card
As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"
What not to put in one's mouth
One day, the teacher asked the children in class to give examples of what was not good to put in one's mouth.
Little Johnny says, It is not good to put a lit light bulb in one's mouth.
The teacher says, That is correct, but why?
Little Johnny answers, I don't know, but my mom always tells my dad, 'Turn off the light before you put it in my mouth!'
My mom used to feed me by saying: Here comes the train! I always ate everything.
Otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the tracks.
GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG
A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!
I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids
The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.
I told my mom "Make me"
She said "I'm not going to make the same mistake twice"
TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...
and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.
My mom pointed at a guy across from our house...
...and said, "Stay away from him, he takes drugs."
That's sound advice, I thought to myself. I don't want him taking mine.
Watching a s**... scene with my parents is so awkward.
My mom is such a bad actress.
Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".
"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
When my mom told me to stop acting like a flamingo
I had to put my foot down.
Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river
One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful n**... woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
What's wrong? Says one boy.
My mom told me if I ever saw a n**... woman I would turn to stone! He says And something's already turning hard!
A police officer stopped my mom's car.
Officer: First name?
Mom: Frida
Officer: Last name?
Mom: Gomam
Officer: So you're Frida Gomam?
And my mom hit the accelerator.
"Drive that thing like you stole it!"
One Friday night, when I was a teenager getting ready to go out, my Dad handed me the car keys and said, "Have fun, son. And remember. Drive that thing like you stole it!"
Upset, my Mom immediately asked why he would say such a reckless thing to his teenager.
To which my Dad replied, "Trust me, Sweetie. If he stole a car, he'd be driving the speed limit, using his turn signals, stopping at red lights, and heading home as soon as possible to avoid the attention of the cops."
My parents decided the key to a successful marriage is going out to a fancy restaurant twice a week.
My dad goes out Mondays and my mom goes out Fridays.
My mom decided she would be happier as a man, so she got a s**... change. We never saw her again.
She's transparent.
A Blond goes to work in tears.
A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?"
She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"
My mom said that if I don't get off the computer and do my homework she'll slam my head into the keyboard,
but I think she's jokinfreoiwjr67uiwosi94ckcjfkdald87lakdofasdkfj
Two kids talking.
One asks 'do you also pray before each meal'?
The other responds : no, my mom knows how to cook.
My mom opened the door and caught me m**....
I looked straight into her eyes and said "shut the door!"
Her face turned all red and she yelled at me "get inside!!!"
What does a pregnant teenager and her baby have in common?
They both thought "my Mom's gonna kill me."
what do you call 2 mexicans on a fire truck?
Jose and Jos-B
this was always my mom's favorite joke, R.I.P. Mom
My mom embarassed me me today when one of my black friends came over..she just kept saying "Is he a drug dealer? He looks like a drug dealer"
I said "No mom that's racist...and put your money away"
A simple but funny joke that came from my 100 year old great grandmother last night
She leans in to my mom and says
When is Mother's Day?
My mom thought she was genuinely asking because she forgot, but she then says
Nine months after fathers night
I saw Santa Claus having s**... with my mom. To get him back, I poisoned the cookies.
It turns out that Santa knew I would do this and killed my dad.
I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid,
but my mom told me the sky is the limit.
My Dad got a Mercedes for my Mom this Mother's Day.
He says it's the best trade he ever made.
I like to tell girls I have my own private jet
But I always forget to mention that my mom owns the rest of the jacuzzi
I relabeled all the jars in my mom's spice rack
I'm not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin.
What do pregnant teenagers and their babies have in common?
They both think,"Oh god, my mom is going to kill me".
When I was 5 I cried when I saw my mom cut up onions in the kitchen
I miss onions. She was a really nice cat.
When my Mom found out I had asthma she sent me to a camp for Asthmatic children.
It was so much fun.. singing songs around the Humidifire. ( yes I know how I spelt it )
Today I asked my mom what she did for a living, she replied "I'm a headmaster".
To which my dad replied "yeah she is"
A blonde girl called Jenny came skipping home after school.
"Mommy mommy! Today in school, everyone else only counted to 5, but I counted to 10!"
The mom replies, "That's great honey!"
Jenny then asks, "Is it because I'm blonde?"
"Yes sweetie" says the mom.
The next day, Jenny comes home skipping and calling out "Mommy mommy! Today after gym class, everyone was taking a shower and had flat chests! While I had these!"
Jenny lifts her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's. "Is it because I'm blonde?"
Embarrassed, the mom replies, "No honey, it's because you're 24"
Two boys argue over whose parents are better.
The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."
The other boy says, "Well, my mom is better than your mom."
The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."
I called my mom and told her not to worry, but I'm in the hospital.
She told me "You're the g**... doctor and this wasn't funny the first time."
I tickled my little brother's foot
I tickled my little brother's foot yesterday and my mom went crazy and said,
"Wait until he is born"
Little Johnny and his ball.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "mommy mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle joe last summer."
I was a man trapped in a woman's body
Then my mom gave birth so it's all good now
I've got my own private jet...
...but the rest of the jacuzzi belongs to my mom.
My mom went mental at me for tickling my little brother's feet today -
something about waiting until he's born?...
A joke told by an old man.
I was speaking to an old man at the grocery store yesterday when he told me something interesting about the olden days of america.
Old man: Son, back in the day my mother could give me a dollar and I could run to the store and get myself a candy bar and a soda pop, and still have money left over to buy the milk my mom asked me to get.
Me: s**... you can not do that today!
Oldman: Yeah, I know son! Now a days, there is just way to much security . . .
I tried teaching my mom how to build a PC
But all it did was make my motherboard
My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay.
She said she wanted more A's.
So I told her "okaaaaay".
Riding in car with hubby and 80-yo mom; mom asks why the US flag at Mickey Ds is…
…half staff. Without missing a beat, hubby says its because the ice cream machine is down. I facepalm as my mom asks when that became a thing. 🤦♀️
I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.
And this is why we need the oxford comma.
Today my mom saw me f**... myself on my period...
I guess you could say she caught me red-handed.
My mom died when we couldn't remember her blood type.
As she died, she kept telling us to be positive, but it's hard without her.
Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked
Little Johnny was in class and his teacher asked "how many of you guys are trump fans?" since the entire class wanted to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well except little Johnny. So the teacher asks, "why are you being different again Johnny....." so little Johnny says "well because im a democrat. My mom is a democrat and my dad is a democrat, so im a democrat!" so then the teacher responds with "well what if your mom was a m**... and your dad was an idiot what would that make you?" well little Johnny says, "a trump fan!"
When I was a child, I didn't like eating sprouts.
I told my mom I wasn't hungry.
She said:
the children in Africa would be happy with sprouts!
I replied:
and the moms in Africa would be happy with a child that's not hungry!
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.
Girl: ok.(climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole. Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!
...Next Day...
(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!
Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flagpole)
Girl: Mommy Mommy today the boy paid me 20 BUCKS for climbing the flagpole, but today I tricked him this time I wasn't wearing underwear.
Mom:...
My mom said she's going to dig a hole in the garden and fill it full of water....
....she means well
My mom told me that I objectify women.
When she asked me why I broke up with my last girlfriend I said "it didn't work out." She said "be more specific." I said "I just told you she didn't exercise."
My mom used to tuck me in when I was young
She wanted a daughter so bad
My mom just took away my mood ring.
I don't know how I feel about it.
My Mom said to stop drinking soda because it has acid in it.
I replied," Stop making such baseless accusations".
