My Missus Jokes
55 my missus jokes and hilarious my missus puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my missus that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest My Missus Short Jokes
Short my missus jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my missus humour may include short missus jokes also.
- My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
- What did the cannibal say to his co-worker? You should stop by later. The missus and I are having people for dinner.
- What's the difference betweena tank top and a wife beater? A tank top shoots missiles, and a wife beater shoots missus.
- I call my Missus's mimsy 'The Tardis' Not because it's bigger inside than I expected. It's just that she's had several dozen companions and at least one dog in there.
- Missus and I splitting. I blame her new job. Ever since she started at EA, our definitions of "exclusive" have really diverged.
- I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present. She said she hoped I kept the receipt.
- My Missus wanted a cat, I don't really like cats, so we compromised. We now have 3 cats ..
- My girlfriend and I had to leave the restaurant early today due to insensitive people calling me a nonce and peadophile all because I'm 33 and my missus is 16. It totally ruined our 10yr anniversary.
- The missus has threatened to leave me unless I stop drinking. Which is ironic, given she is the reason I drink.
- I decided to get a toupee. But I know my missus is not keen on the idea, so for now I'm going to keep it under my hat.
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My Missus One Liners
Which my missus one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my missus? I can suggest the ones about your mrs and my hubby.
- My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was. I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."
- I told my missus that I was thinking about a career in comedy. She laughed.
- The missus wore a right slinky number last night! Looked amazing coming down the stairs!
- Just sold the missus on eBay. Well actually I sold a big box. The rest is a surprise.
- Who did Mister Hippie marry? Missus Hippie!
- My missus said my love was suffocating.
- The missus and I shared a tender moment today. Thanks to our new slow cooker.
- The missus wants to go and see that new film about woman's rights. I said she can't.
- What is a missus best known for? Their hands-on experience
- I'd like to drown my sorrows but my missus doesn't go near water.
- My missus has a punctuation f**... Whenever she has a period, I get to use the colon.
Silly & Ridiculous My Missus Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about my missus you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean my mum jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my missus pranks.
Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?"
"I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"
When the first legal brothel opened here in Brissy I got the OK from the missus to check it out and have myself a good time.
I was in there like a flash and as I was the only client at that time I has my choice of the buffet on offer.
I chose a gorgeous tall slim redhead but before moving off to the rooms she stated that she wont work with anyone unless they are 10 inches.
Being a little embarrassed as you would be I asked her politely to sit back down.
I mean after all, no matter how hot they were I wasn't about to cut 2 inches of my manhood for anyone...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Irish Painter
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the n**.... This being
the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed,
particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in
fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while
he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked
much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the
decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The
wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint you in the n**... all right; but I have to at least leave me
socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
50 Shades of Grey
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
T'was "fifty shades of grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to s**....
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there n**... and n**...
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left t*t!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
it seems Oscar Pistorious jokes still have legs..
Roses are red, Violets are glorious, Don't ever sneak up on Oscar Pistorius.
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
Oscar Pistorius. Not the first South African with a race problem.
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who knew he meant OJ Simpson?
Absolutely shocking news from South Africa. White man arrested for m**....
Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
Surely Oscar Pistorius cant be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over the missus while imagining she's someone else!
I take it Oscar Pistorius's girlfriend bought him shoes for Valentines.
What do you call a room full of dead people? An Oscar Pistorius surprise birthday party... or... An Oscar Pistorius St Valentine's Day Massacre
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name - Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
A young woman is dead, the life of up‑and‑coming athlete, Oscar Pistorius, is ruined, and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... i mean pathetic.
I think it's safe to say that Oscar Pistorius won't be getting his leg over tonight.
Oscar Pistorious' lawyer is trying to claim mistaken identity
Personally I don`t think he has a leg to stand on
And the Oscar goes to ... Prison.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Rodeo Position
Two old cowboys are sitting around a campfire and drinking. Somewhat drunk and not in the best frame of mind one turns to the other and say's I miss my missus, but when we make love it's always the same . Somewhat taken aback, but curious nonetheless, the other cowboy asks how's that? We always use the old m**... the old cowboy replies. Thinking about this the other cowboy says If you want some excitement you need to try the Rodeo position . The cowboy says What's that?
Well you start off d**..., behind her. Then you lean forward and with your right hand grab her right breast, and with your left hand grab her left breast, with your face beside her head you whisper gently in her ear, Yep feels just like your sister , and then hold on for dear life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife saw a French cookery program on TV...
...so she sent me out at lunchtime to buy some snails. I got the bus into town, found a deli, and bought a bag of snails.
As I was walking back to the bus-stop, I bumped into one of my mates. "Kinygos, how's it going? I was just talking with the boys about you. Hey, they're still at the pub, come on, let's go see them."
"I'm sorry man, I can't...I've gotta get these bad boys back to the missus"
"Oh come on dude, just one drink"
So that night, around midnight, I'm staggering back home, get to my house, bump into my gate, accidentally tear the bag I'm carrying dropping the snails all over the path. Just then, the front door bursts open, and my wife is standing there r**....
Quick as a flash, I looked down at the snails and said "Come on lads, not far to go"
When I came home Friday, I gave the missus a bunch of beautiful red roses.
Great!, she says, now I have to spend all weekend on my back with me legs in the air. Obviously very confused I asked why, haven't we got any vases?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I lost my wedding ring the other day
Had a quick check under the sofa but wasn't really that bothered until the missus came home and told me to look harder.
So I got a tattoo and s**... my head but I still couldn't find it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
#BREAKING Oscar Pistorius has today made a plea for clemency ahead of his sentencing in April
Mr Pistorius claims he is not the first bloke to come home legless and put a few loads into his missus.
Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach
Mr. Sine and his missus Cosine went for their honeymoon on a beach and got a Tan.
When they returned it took them a Sec to find that they needed a new Cot.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week...
Took her to the fair last night and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
Man enters pub
Sees his friend and mentions to him, missus's away in the Caribbean
Friend asks; Jamaica?
Man replies; no, she went of her own accord
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys-only trip, do you think about me?
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.
Three blokes were working on a high rise building project...
Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says, "someone should go and tell his wife."
Macca says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, so I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a case of beer. Simmo says, "where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me". Simmo says, "that's unbelievable - you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Macca says, "well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Chook's widow. She said, no, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "you wanna bet me a case?"
I used to be confused because we abbreviate "missus" as mrs...
Until I realized we just took out the apostraphe from mr's.
Two dogs walking down the road
First dog says to the second do you use a rubber when you make love to your missus?
Second dog says Durex
First dog says no, I asked you first
I bought my missus a beauty face mask for her birthday.
It says to leave on for 3 hours. That's the longest I could find.
I have been married 38 years but have never been very romantic, so this Valentines night I am going to change, I have booked a table for two for me and the missus.
Just hope she likes snooker.
A jewish woman goes to the hospital to give birth to her son.
Unfortunately the baby boy is born without eyelids.
The jewish woman is hysterical and says: Doctor, doctor what am i going to do? My baby boy has no eyelids!
The doctor calmly replies: Missus Levine, don't worry your son is going to be circumcised so we can do a transplant and give him eyelids.
Missus Levine says: Doctor, doctor but I don't want a son that's gonna be cockeyed!
Doctor replies: But Missus Levine imagine what foresight he'll have!
Kerry Okeefe wife joke
Oh, yeah, - O’Keeffe began. - When we had to start spending more time at home, I noticed this woman sitting in my lounge room.
Yeah, because I was in and out (of the house) with (my) Fox Cricket (commentary duties),
And with COVID … I started to talk to her.
And she told me she was my wife! - O’Keeffe cried - And we’re getting on really well! There’s a plus to COVID … I met my missus!
My missus asked me if I'd planned something special for Valentine's day. "I'm working on it" I said. She smiled happily,
which is weird because I thought she'd be well cheesed off because I was having to work.
That restaurant...
Bob and his wife, who live in a retirement residence, are out for a stroll round the grounds one day, and meet up with their neighbour, Ted.
They exchange news, including Bob saying: "Oh hey Ted, me and the missus went to a great restaurant last night."
"Really," says Ted. What was it called?
Bob starts to reply, scratches his head, and says... uh...er...um...what's the name of that flower you give to someone you love, it's red and has thorns?"
Ted replies: rose?
"Aha," exclaims Bob, who turns to his wife and says "Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
