My Mama Jokes

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"
"To buy groceries," I told him.
"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles of milk, a can of coffee and a box of tea."
He shrugged and paused.
"Times have changed and ya can't do that now," he told me. "Too many f**...' security cameras."

Justin told me my mama was so fat she had a gravitational orbit ...

I told him he doesn't understand how physics works, cause everyone has a gravitational orbit.
Then I informed him his dad is so massive that his gravitational orbit is so large, not even light can escape it — and that's why he hasn't seen his dad in 20 years!

During Sunday service, a pastor announces he is doing a children's sermon this week and invites all the kids to come to the front.

One little girl was wearing a lovely pink dress. As she sat down, the pastor complimented it and asked if it was her Easter Dress.
Leaning right into the pastor's clip-on microphone, she replied, "Yes, but my mama calls it her b**...-to-Iron dress.

Did you read my mother's retraction of her support of the president over his hyper critical aide's tantrum at the Hindu temple?

It was my mama's Obama's trauma llama Brahma drama reclama.

Days when my mama gave me 3$ and I came back with bread,

Eggs, milk, yoghurt, chocolate bars, chips, soda, icecream and a bunch of magazines.
 
Now, there are surveillance cameras everywhere.

My phone service provider is always wrong about some basic reproductive facts.

They're always telling me I'm out of dada, but I'm pretty sure I came out of my mama.

My mama always said, dress for the job you want, not the job you have..

I know I know, smoking's bad for me and all. But, my mama told me never to be a quitter.