My Hubby Jokes
40 my hubby jokes and hilarious my hubby puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my hubby that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest My Hubby Short Jokes
Short my hubby jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my hubby humour may include short wife hubby jokes also.
- Wife: Listen hubby, who do you like better, an intelligent woman or a beautiful woman? Husband: I don't like either. I only like you.
- Wife says to her hubby what do you want for dinner ? The hubby says what's my choices?
The wife says Yes or No. - Loyalty Test... Wife buys 12 underwears of same color for hubby..🔻
Hubby- Why same color sweetheart. people will think I never change my underwear.
Wife- Which people
Total silence... - Last week, hubby wanted to spice things up a little, and suggested we play doctors and nurses..... .... so I strapped him to a trolley, put him in the hallway, and ignored him for 48 hours.
- Sayings and Humor Funny I tell my hubby this all the time...he says "get up beautiful, time for work" :)
- Easter Weekend Wife: Honey, what's for Easter?
Hubby: Same plan as Jesus. Disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday. - Wife: My hubby & I have, what he calls-Olympic s**.... Friend: Wow, must be a terrific s**... life?
Wife: Not really. It only happens once in 4 years. - Old lady in a fancy restaurant leans over to her hubby and says , I've done a silent f**... what should I do? Husband says 'change the batteries in your hearing aids
- What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A mosquito will stop s**... when you s**... it.
*Heard this from my hubby last night.
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My Hubby One Liners
Which my hubby one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my hubby? I can suggest the ones about hubby and my missus.
- Wife:- I am Going out for 2 hours. Do u want anything? Hubby:- No, that's enough.
- It makes my day when my hubby says those three special words: "You were right."
- Why was the lizard's wife unsatisfied? Her hubby had a reptile dysfunction.
- I asked hubby to fix the front door...
My Hubby Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about my hubby you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean perfect husband jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my hubby pranks.
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when he touches her.
They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little o**... s**... will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy.
Besides it's worth a try.
The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines... no pulse... no heart rate.
The nurses run into the room.
The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants and says, "I think she choked."
A hubby is having a short conversation with his wife.
See dear, if you got home early from work one day and you found me pounding on another woman, this would be called an awkward situation!
So its the same honey, if you came home early from work and found me in bed with another man?
No darling, you are now confused and mixing the awkward situation with proper beating!
Three ladies meet up for a drink
Three ladies meet up for a drink once a week.
The first lady says: "The other night, when my boyfriend got in from work, I surprised him. I was standing in the hallway, wearing these tall leather boots, a corset, long black silk gloves, and lots of makeup. I looked him in the eye and said 'Hello there, big boy.' He grabbed me, flung me to the floor and we made love right there and then and it was AMAZING."
Next week they meet up again.
The second lady says to the first one: "I took a tip from you. The other night my fiance came home from work, and I was standing in the bedroom wearing high heels, a tiny skirt, a see-through top and heavy makeup. I said 'Hello there. Big Boy.' and he flung me on the bed and it was unbelievable! He was like a wild animal!"
The third lady, married for ten years and seeing things get a bit stale in the bedroom, decides she needs a piece of the action.
She dresses up in thigh high leather boots, a tiny black skirt, a cleavage-tastic corset, long black gloves and she puts on the sluttiest makeup job in the history of s**... makeup jobs. She waits in the kitchen, thinking that when hubby gets home he may do something really sordid like make love to her right there on the kitchen table.
Sure enough, he comes home and walks into the kitchen.
She looks him in the eye and says: "Hello there. Big Boy."
He looks back at her and says: "Hey Batman, what's for dinner?"
s**...' and 'Love' ....;)
At the retreat, a couple was told to individually write a sentence using the words s**...' and 'love.'
The woman wrote:
When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another to a high degree and they respect each other very much, just like my hubby and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act physical s**... with one another.
The Husband wrote: I Love s**....
A Husband working in UK wrote to his wife in India.
Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected
my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses.
You are my sweetheart, please understand and adjust with this situation.
Your loving husband,
His wife replied
Hey hubby
Thanks for the 100 kisses.
Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses
1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.
2. The electricity man, agreed not to disconnect only after 7 kisses.
3. Your landlord comes every day to take 2 or 3 kisses instead of
the monthly rent.
4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only,so I gave him other items, I hope
you understand.
5. Miscellaneous expenses 40 kisses.
Please don't worry about me, I still have a balance of 35 kisses and I hope I can
survive the month using this balance.
Shall I plan the same for the next month?
Your
Mobile
While engaged in the s**... act, wife to her hubby, "You're just like a mobile."
The husband proudly asks, "You love my vibration."
Wife: Na Na Na... the moment you get into basement, your network fails!"
Man and wife visit the super bull farm.
They are shown round the prize bulls. The manager shows them a great strapping beast.. this one is our gold medal bull he mates without fail every three days. The wife is impressed and nudges hubby.. nodding approvingly.
They move on and next the manager shows them the double gold medal bull. He is a beast! This one, the manager explains proudly can do the business every other day without fail.
Wow.. Says the wife, with sideways look at her husband .. I'm very impressed.
Then the manager shows them Rocky, the triple gold medal bull. Rocky here, he says patting the muscular r**... of a steaming hot stomping beast, is a every single day boy.. 365 copulations a year.
The wife looks at her sulking husband. Now that's what I call a super stud!
Yes.. he says, scratching his chin,
but I bet Rocky here doesn't have to sleep with the same old cow every night.
Animal smugglers
A man wants to smuggle a snake and a skunk through customs. The wife says to her husband "how are we going to get them through?'. Hubby replies "I'll tie the snake around my waist and you shove the skunk up your skirt". "But what about the smell?" she says to which he responds "Well if it dies, it dies…"
In money trouble, the couple finally agrees she will p**... for a while. She is out all night the first night and has only $20.25 in the morning.
When hubby asks who only gave her 25 cents, she replied - All of them!
One Night, as a couple lay down to bed,
the husband gently starts rubbing his wife on the arm. The wife turned over and said "Sorry honey, I have an OBGYN appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
Dejected and rejected, the hubby tries to sleep. After a while he turns over to his wife and says "Do you have a dentist's appointment too?"
Young couple codewords
The bashfull newlyweds decided to talk about "laundry" when one was interested in s**.... A Year later, when the new was off, the Husband asked "do you want to help me do the laundry tonight?"
Wife: "No, I am too tired".
The next night: "I have a headache". Next
On the following night: "I just don't feel like it".
Finally wife says: "How about doing the Laundry tonight".
Hubby's reply: "No worries, Dear, it was just a small load and I did it by hand!"
Translated Indian joke: Don't speak while you're eating.
Husband & Wife dining in a hotel:
Hubby: I wanna tell you something.
Wife: It's not good manners to talk while eating.
.
(After Eating)
Wife: Now tell me.
Hubby: There was a cockroach in your Biryani !!!
Moral:
Listen to your Husband once in a while
Easter
Wife: What are you doing for Easter?
Hubbie: the same thing Jesus does.
Wife: what do you mean?
Hubbie: I will disappear on Friday and reappear on Monday.
Wife: that's amazing. Go ahead you do that and I'll be like Mary.
Hubbie: What do you mean?
Wife: I'll show up pregnant, untouched by my husband.
A r**... couple gets married and are on their honeymoon.
The woman changes into a s**... outfit and lies on the bed.
She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a v**...."
The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.
His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. It'll be okay, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."
Wife: "Get me a coat hanger, I don't want the baby anymore."
Hubby: "Are you crazy? It's too late for that! May I remind you our child has already been born?"
Wife: "It's not too late to let it play with the wall socket."
Wife always brought a picture of her hubby to work.
H: Honey, why do you always carry a photo of me with you at work?
W: Coz everytime I have a problem, I just look at it and suddenly I feel much better.
H: I knew it! You really love me more than I love you!
W: Well, I just look at your photo and tell myself "no problem is bigger than this".
A dinosaur, a spider, and a cowboy walk into a bar
All three sit at the bar and begin drinking heavily, clearly distressed. The bartender asks them what their troubles are.
The Cowboy takes a shot, then says "my horse got loose, ran into traffic, and got hit by a semi truck carrying gasoline. Cause a whole big e**... and blew my poor horse to bits." The spider nods sympathetically. "I just lost my husband in that same fire. The driver found him, freaked out, and crashed trying to squash my dear hubby."
The bartender is in shock, but finally asks the dinosaur his story.
The dinosaur sniffed, took a sip from his straw, and said "My whole family was on that truck"
A man goes to visit his wife who is in a coma.
One of the nurses pulls him aside and tells him that she's heard that occasionally o**... s**... will cause the person in a coma to wake up. The stimulation could literally jar the person awake. With a sly wink she leaves the hubby alone with his wife. A few minutes later alarm bells are ringing and he's screaming for help. The nurse rushes in to find the hubby pulling up his pants screaming, "I did what you said, but I think she choked."
My husband commented on the new store that is being built nearby: That's a nice looking Aldi!
I told him it just looks like Aldi others.
...
Sorry y'all. It's been such a bad day, and this little exchange my hubby and I had earlier had us both laughing probably more than we should have. Hope it makes one of you out there smile too.
Go to your mother
Wife is busy packing clothes.
Hubby: Where are you going?
Wife: To my mother.
Hubby also starts packing clothes.
Wife: And where do you think you are going?
Hubby: I'm also going to my mother.
Wife: What about the kids?
Hubby: Since you are going to your mother and I'm also going to my mother, the kids should also go to their mother.
Honey, I cleaned the bathroom!!!
Wife: Thank you
Hubby: Why do we keep the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What?!??!
Hubby: Why is the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What the h**... are you talking about?!?
Hubby: The puffy thing with the handle!!
Wife: MY LOOFA
Hubby: You named the toilet brush?
A husband and wife give up their identical twin boys for adoption. They name one of them Juan and the other Amol
Years later the wife receives a letter from Juan reaching out to her, he included a picture. Elated she showed her husband who was excited to see his son doing so well in life.. weeks later they receive a letter from Amol telling them how well he is doing and also included a picture. Wife asks hubby " do you want to see your sons picture?" hubby replies "Why? if you've seen Juan you've seen Amol"
Riding in car with hubby and 80-yo mom; mom asks why the US flag at Mickey Ds is…
…half staff. Without missing a beat, hubby says its because the ice cream machine is down. I facepalm as my mom asks when that became a thing. 🤦♀️
To surprise her hubby, an executive's wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gents, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.