My Girlfriend Jokes
128 my girlfriend jokes and hilarious my girlfriend puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my girlfriend that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest My Girlfriend Short Jokes
Short my girlfriend jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my girlfriend humour may include short my missus jokes also.
- My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
- My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100. I lost Interest in that relationship.
- Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words? Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.
- I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn't show. I hope she gets the message that we're not working out.
- My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."
- My girlfriend just emailed me "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" mean? - My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."
- My girlfriend told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer.
- My girlfriend broke up with me for being too un-American I saw it coming from a kilometre away
- Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better
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My Girlfriend One Liners
Which my girlfriend one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my girlfriend? I can suggest the ones about young girlfriend and girlfriend boyfriend.
- My girlfriend is like the square root of -100. A solid 10, but also imaginary.
- My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair Guess who came crawling back
- I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy It's not like I did anything
- My last girlfriend said I was unnecessarily mysterious. Or did she?
- My girlfriend, Ruth, fell off the back of my bike. I rode on, ruthlessly.
- What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before they got married? Feyónce
- My girlfriend said I'm terrible in bed But it's unfair to make a conclusion in 17 seconds
- Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolate They'll kill your dog
- My girlfriend accused me of cheating I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
- My girlfriend says I'm hopeless at fixing appliances. Well she's in for a shock.
- My deaf girlfriend just told me, We need to talk. That is not a good sign.
- My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are But I laugh more.
- At first, my girlfriend didn't want to get a brain transplant then I changed her mind
- My girlfriend told me she will leave me if I don't support Trump... I said ok.. Biden
- What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives your girlfriend wild? A $100 bill.
Playful My Girlfriend Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about my girlfriend you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old girlfriend jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my girlfriend pranks.
I was having s**... with my girlfriend, Diana, when my roommate, Jones, entered the room
Im indiana Jones, Get out
My girlfriend tried to make me have s**... on the hood of her Honda Civic
I refused. If I'm going to have s**..., its going to be on my own Accord
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, She's beautiful, isn't she? I said, If you think she's beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.
He said, Why? Is she a stunner? I said, No, she's an optician.
Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed…
2 minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
My girlfriend is mad because I could only last 2 minutes in bed
In my defense it was d**... so it's more like 14 minutes.
I threw my girlfriend a surprise bukakke party.
Everyone came, you should have seen her face.
My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess.
So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.
My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.
She says Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.
Out of nowhere, her s**... sister comes in and sits by me.
She asks Do you want to have s**... before she gets back?
I got up and went straight to my car.
My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said I knew I could trust you.
Moral of the story: always leave your condoms in the car.
"I love you lots snuggles" said my girlfriend
"And I love you tons" I replied.
"Wow fine, you don't have a nickname for me?" She said angrily.
Sometimes I swear the fat c**...'s going deaf.
My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I said.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily s**....
My girlfriend insists that it says dyslexia but what does she know
I told my girlfriend we can either have s**..., or go see Star Wars.
She said "I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out," but she pulled some strings and got me in.
I walked in on my girlfriend having s**... with her personal trainer
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out"
The first time I had s**..., it was in my parent's bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, This is a bit awkward.
I grunted, Just ignore them.
My girlfriend really changed after she became a vegan.
It's like I've never seen herbivore.
My brother just updated his status to "I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is f**... ridiculous.
My girlfriend and I began having s**... at 1:58AM this morning and didn't stop until 3:01AM.
Thanks daylight savings!
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose.
Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
I just found out my girlfriend just gave me an STD....
Looks like I'm gonorrhea-valuate the relationship
My girlfriend just screamed at me for tickling my child's feet
She said something about 'waiting until they're born'
My girlfriend asked me if I could have a t**..., which of her friends I would choose...
I SHOULD NEVER HAVE NAMED 2 FRIENDS!
The coast guard fined my girlfriend and I for having s**... in the ocean.
Apparently off-shore drilling is prohibited.
So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week
She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."
I asked her: "What do you think it means?"
She smiled and said: "I don't know..."
Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.
I still don't know why she didn't like this book called 'Dreams and their Meanings'.
Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.
I just need to work out if that's my wife or my girlfriend
My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire is.
I replied, "The one from Sesame Street."
She said, "He doesn't count."
"Oh I assure you, he does."
I don't think my girlfriend likes my schizophrenia meds
Because every time I take them she goes away
My girlfriend looked at me with her s**... eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with your two fingers baby"
.... so I poked her in the eyes.
My girlfriend is so smart!
I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
My girlfriend was devastated when she found out the reason why my nickname is The Love Machine .
It's because I'm terrible at tennis.
I've been cheating on my girlfriend with her twin, but it's OK because I can tell them apart.
Brian has a moustache.
I told my girlfriend that the milkman said he had shagged every woman in our building except one!!
I bet it's the snooty b**... at number twenty three, she replied.
I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.
There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.
Pregnant girlfriend
Guy: Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant, but we always use protection, and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?
Doctor: Let me tell you a story: There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. To scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then it died!
Guy: Nonsense! Someone else must have shot the Lion.
Doctor: Good! You understood the story. Next patient please.
I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.
They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.
I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.
My girlfriend and I broke up today
Her: "I just need time."
Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."
Her: "And distance, as well."
Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"
Her: "Go ahead."
Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"
My girlfriend left me because of my abandonment issues...
Oh wait. She's back. She just went to get some milk.
My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.
I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
My girlfriend is so smart, she really surprises me!
I went golfing, and forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
My girlfriend has an onlyfans account and it's doing really well
I just have to figure out how to break the news to her
My pizza is burnt, my beer is frozen and my girlfriend is pregnant...
...I can't pull anything out in time!
I think my girlfriend's a secret drug dealer
I just answered her phone, and this man said "is that dope still there?"
My girlfriend said to me "Are you even listening to me?!"
Strange way to start a conversation.
My girlfriend asked me who my favorite vampire was...
I told her it was the dude from Sesame street
She said, "He doesn't count."
I said, "Oh I assure you, he does."
(obligatory cake day joke)
On January 1st I joked to my girlfriend we haven't had s**... all year.
It's getting less funnier each day I tell her.
My girlfriend called me a gullible idiot and said I shouldn't believe everything I see on the Internet
I told her I don't have to put up with this, not when there are desperate single milfs less than a mile away
Last week, My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her Wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure.
Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.
My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish
But today is opposite day so it's all good
My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one
She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
I got frostbite and had part of my foot amputated. Then my girlfriend left me.
She was lack-toes intolerant.
My girlfriend said to me the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains, and men nothing?"
I laughed and replied, "Don't be silly, he gave us women."
Arrested for being too good in bed!
My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"
After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.
My girlfriend just dumped me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
My girlfriend's red flags wouldn't have bothered me so much
....if they didn't have swastikas on them.
My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.
She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.
It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
My girlfriend treats me like God
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...
I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.
I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.
She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.
My girlfriend told me she's sick of me pretending to be a detective.
Girlfriend: "I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. I think we should split up."
Me: "Good idea. We can cover more ground that way."
My girlfriend left me because I'm too insecure...
Oh wait, she's back. She just went to the bathroom.
My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative'
Anybody know what 'ternative' means?
My girlfriend accused me of stealing her thesaurus
Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed.
