My Ex Jokes
97 my ex jokes and hilarious my ex puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my ex that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest My Ex Short Jokes
Short my ex jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my ex humour may include short ex boyfriend jokes also.
- I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for my ex Now she'll know what rejection feels like
- I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me! Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.
- My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend! Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
- I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife… But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money.
- Caitlyn Jenner becomes a super hero but doesn't know what group to join... She's still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former
- My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!! - How is hurricane Florence like my ex wife? They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.
- My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday. I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
- Its funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.
- I saw my ex girlfriend at the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to say hello. There was too much history between us.
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My Ex One Liners
Which my ex one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my ex? I can suggest the ones about ex girlfriend and ex husband.
- I proposed to my ex-wife today She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money
- Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex? My ex.
- Caitlin Jenner just signed a deal with Marvel. She is going to be in the new Ex-Men film.
- If Caitlyn Jenner were a super hero, what team would she be on? The Ex-Men.
- I'm making a graph of my past relationships... I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.
- After my ex died, I couldn't shower alone for 10 years But I'm out of prison now
- My girlfriend wanted me to be more like her ex. So I dumped her.
- My ex-gf invited me to her wedding Told her I was busy, will be there next time
- I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.
- Sometimes I miss my ex. So I drop it into reverse and try again.
- I spent the last two years trying to find my ex girlfriend's killer. No one will do it.
- What do you call a divorce lawyer's file cabinet? The Ex Files
- What does Chris Brown call a group of his ex-girlfriends? The punch line
- My ex-wife was a great housekeeper She kept the house.
- My ex girlfriend is a really good impressionist She does everyone
Gather Around for Fun My Ex Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about my ex you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean old girlfriend jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my ex pranks.
Bumped into my ex today...
Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs
My girlfriend treats me like God
She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
People treat me like a god
They ignore my existence unless they need something
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My ex wife died so I went to the cemetery and to honor her, I poured a fine, 12 year old bottle of scotch on her grave.
But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.
But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
My ex girlfriend was a beautiful woman...
... olive skin, green eyes, snakes for hair.
But I had to break it off with her because she was constantly objectifying me.
My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure
I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her
Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."
Tim gets this horrified look on his face.
She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't," he replied.
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Dated a gold digger once.
I date this girl once, she was a solid 10. She was smoking hot, and crazy in bed. Things went south though, she claimed I lied about how much money I had.
And I was like my exact words where, that I has worth between 40 and 75 million dollars .
So what if it was only $2,165. It is still between $40- $75,000,000.
Saw my ex...
On my way home from work last year i saw my ex being beaten up by 3 guys, i stopped the car and ran over to help...she didnt stand a chance against 4 of us.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My ex just sent me n**... in a compressed folder
Sigh... *unzips*
I'm not just alright with my extra chromosome...
In fact, I'm down with it.
When I die, I want my friends to do two things: 1) Scatter my remains on my ex's front lawn.
2) Also, I don't want to be cremated.
What's the difference between my ex and a bowl of spaghetti?
Spaghetti wiggles when I eat it.
My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.
In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.
My ex is like the Mona Lisa
It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room
What's the difference between the Titanic and my ex?
The titanic only went down on 1,000 people
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sometimes I wonder about my ex girlfriends who I haven't seen in years,
you know, like has she become all fat and bloated, or has she become disgustingly skinny; or maybe someone has already found the body.
What's the difference between a buoy and my ex girlfriend?
A buoy can be found above the ocean's surface.
My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"
"Sir?" I asked.
"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."
"Yes, sir"
"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!"
"Yes, sir"
"And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!"
"Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one."
Student: I've been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven't answered a single question!!!
Politics Teacher: Well done, that's an A.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife thought it would be fun if we each have a list of 3 people that would be OK to sleep with if given the chance.
**Her list:** Paul Rudd, Adam Levine, and Channing Tatum
**My list:** Her best friend Stephanie, that barista at our coffee shop, and my ex girlfriend
My ex updated her status on Facebook to standing on the edge of a cliff.
So I poked her
My ex wife still misses me
BUT HER AIM IS GETTING BETTER
Driving down the road and saw my ex.
It's funny how I'd hit that changes meaning over the years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last night I m**... over my ex-girlfriend.
I know it's not right, but she's a heavy sleeper and I still have a key.
I messaged my ex on the day before my exam.
I asked if she had any good cheating tips
So I finally got a housekeeper, it's my ex-wife.
She kept the house.
String Fight
My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.
My ex had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil
I still don't know how much she charged him though.
My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave
But first I filtered it through my kidneys.
I told my wife, "You're starting to act like my ex-wife"
She freaked out and said, "You never told me you had an ex-wife!"
I replied, "I don't."
I bought a trash compactor for my ex-wife
Or, as Victoria Secret calls it - a corset
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...
So I drew him a map to my ex-wife's house.
I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.
And this is why we need the oxford comma.
I've been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for years now
But so far nobody's agreed to do it.
My Ex-Wife was like a box of chocolate
Everyone got a piece
Saw my ex-gf being beaten up by 4 guys, so as a human being I had to step in and help..
She didn't stand a chance against the 5 of us
I was at a wedding reception…
When I noticed the woman sitting opposite me kept staring until finally she spoke.
Every time you smile, I want to take you back to my place
In my excitement I asked if she was single.
No she replied. I'm a Dentist
My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.
So nice of her to save me the gas money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Barbies create unrealistic expectations of women
No woman's head reattaches THAT easily in my experience
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My ex-girlfriend had this weird f**...
She liked to dress up like herself and act like a r**... b**... all the time
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you've had s**... with less than 536 people, then having s**... with you is a more exclusive club than going into space.
I though I'd post something my ex-girlfriend could feel good about.
All my CDs are in my ex's car. I'd get them, but I don't want to face her.
Plus I don't have the equipment for diving to the bottom of the river.
My ex asked me if I had ever been with any fat girls
I told her she was my first.
My ex girlfriend and I had a safe word...
So when things would get a little too rough in the bedroom, she'd yell, "Marry me!" and I would pull out, leave her apartment, and not call her for a few weeks. Super safe.
My ex wives were all good housekeepers..
..When they left, they kept the house.
I had a really sad day today
First - My ex got run over by a bus
Second - I got fired as a bus driver
Not to brag, but I feel like a God to my friends
Usually ignored of my existence until I am needed for something
If I ever need a heart transplant..
I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
My ex was perfect in all aspects except that her armpits smelled
Hands down the best girl I have known.
When people show me pictures of their kids, I show them pictures of my exes
If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
My ex broke up with me
My ex broke up with me because I , apparently , was too immature ...
I took a deep breath and calmed down.
Then I went to her house , rang the doorbell and ran away.
My ex was like a computer game.
Started off easy, got a little harder and eventually I ended up cheating.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My ex-girlfriend used to have this strange f**......
She used to enjoy being strangled until she turned blue in the face.
It's too bad that I am colorblind.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ever since I worked on my extreme arrogance, I've become a better person.
Better than all of you together!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My ex wife's favorite joke.
Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a sheet of saran-wrap.
Doc says to him, "I can clearly see your nuts."
I wish my ex girlfriend could look down from heaven and see me
But no, she's still alive.
I saw my ex while taking a test today
wonder if she cheated on that too...
So I was sentenced to death by hanging...
but my execution is being suspended temporarily.
I think my ex girlfriend fell into poverty since we broke up.
Every time I call her, she says, Please leave me a loan.
My ex broke up with me because she said I was too old fashioned
I thought we had good alchemy
