My Birthday Jokes
135 my birthday jokes and hilarious my birthday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about my birthday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest My Birthday Short Jokes
Short my birthday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The my birthday humour may include short birth day jokes also.
- My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
- As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
- I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
- I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today. It's my thirty-second birthday.
- Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends, This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg. - My daughter wants a pet spider for her birthday I went to the pet store, and the owner said "that'll be $200 please", I said "$200?, it'll be cheaper getting one off the web".
- My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday. I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.
- I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him... Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.
- My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!! It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house
- My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
Share These My Birthday Jokes With Friends
My Birthday One Liners
Which my birthday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with my birthday? I can suggest the ones about birthday celebration and daughter birthday.
- What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ? Don't know he hasn't opened it yet
- I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday. I am now independent.
- I got a sweater on my birthday I would have preferred a moaner or screamer.
- What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye Matey!
- Why do ethiopian children cry on their 6th birthday? They hit a midlife crisis
- Today I celebrated my 62nd birthday. It was only a minute long.
- I drink twice a year.... When it's my birthday, and when it isn't
- What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey
- What did the fat kid get for his Birthday? Bullied
- A friend of mine and I were both born on 4/20. We always have a joint birthday party.
- Birthdays are great... ... but too many of them will kill you.
- What's a buffalo's 200th birthday called? A bisontennial.
- Ever been to a bulimic's birthday party? (fixed) The cake jumps out of the girl.
- My birthday is on 9/11 60 more days to go
- You may not believe that today is Canada's 150th Birthday... It's Trudeau...
Loads of Fun with Charming Humor My Birthday Jokes
What funny jokes about my birthday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean friend birthday jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make my birthday pranks.
I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.
I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.
For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
My lesbian neighbours asked me what I wanted for my birthday.
They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.
The ones on daddy's computer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The lesbian couple across the street allowed me to see them have s**... for my birthday.
It's a beautiful and very thoughtful experience, but I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
A woman gets up in the morning
wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."
My lesbian neighbors asked me what I want for my birthday.
I wanted a Timex, but all I got was a black eye.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife wife had s**... with a younger man yesterday
But I'll forgive her, since it's my birthday!
The worst thief ever came to my birthday party today.
I mean, I've seen other thieves, but this one took the cake.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My gay neighbor gave me a sextape of him and his husband for my birthday.
I think he misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
How does a cat like its steak cooked...
Raaaaaaaare.
I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.
I am a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me LEGOs for my birthday.
I don't know what to make of it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife offered to make me some s**... coupons for my birthday.
I asked her if one could be a groupon.
What's the first way to know when you're growing old?
It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.
(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)
Edit: finally, a couple of family members have said it. They're still outnumbered five to one by medical staff. Lol!
Dad Joke
It was my birthday an me and my Dad were driving on the highway when we saw a terrible accident. My Dad said "This is the worst accident I've seen in 20years!"
Well yeah it was my 20th birthday.
A wife's birthday was the next
day and she said to her husband, "Honey, for my birthday I want something that goes from 0-230 in 6 seconds to be in our driveway."
"I'll see what I can do" replied the husband suggestively.
The next morning she ran outside and found a scale in the driveway.
I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday.
It wasn't a big deal.
Son asks his father for a gift
Son: - Dad I need a gift for my birthday
Dad: - What do you want Son
Son: - I need a Bitcoin
Dad: - What?? Why do you need $ 35K for?? You know how difficult it is to earn $ 25K dollars?? You will learn difficulty of earning $ 40K when you get a job
"Dad, are you planning on getting me a gift for my birthday?"
"Of course, but your mother and I would like to get you something you will enjoy, what is it you want?"
"Well, crypto is hot - how about a Bitcoin."
"A Bitcoin? Sheesh, those things cost $45,237! Do you know how long it takes me to earn $31,479? Some day you'll have a job yourself and have a better appreciation of how much $63,981 is on a pre-tax basis! I don't understand what you're going to do with a $26,109 bitcoin anyway.
Pick something else - $4,807 for a bitcoin is more than we were going spend."
It's my birthday, so here's a related joke.
Why are birthdays good for you?
-
-
-
-
-
Statistics show: those who have the most, live the longest.
my friends gave me dirt for my birthday
I really appreciated the sediment
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I got a globe for my birthday.
It meant the world to me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
So I ordered me a bust for my birthday.
I really wanna show you how it looks, but I'm getting a head of myself.
My lesbian friend and her girlfriend gave me a watch for my birthday
Which is great and all, but that's not what I meant when I said "I wanna watch"...
My grandfather was cheap. He'd give me a 50 dollar bill each year for my birthday
Not currency; an actual invoice for 50 dollars
Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday.
Student: Can we postpone the test? It's on my birthday.
Teacher: Well unlike your birthday, this test was planned ahead of time.
I'm turning 32 in a few months and I'm kinda depressed about it. I only get to celebrate my birthday for half a minute....
It's my thirty second birthday...
I'd hate to be a dragon.
I'd get so angry trying to blow out my birthday candles.
When I was little, my parents got me a Dog and a Cat for my birthday.
The next day we named the Dog curiosity.
I'm devastated that I won't be able to celebrate my birthday this March
I was born in November
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A penguin goes into a pub...
At the bar the peanuts say:
"Nice tie Mr!"
In the toilets the c**... machine says :
"You look s**... in that tie"
So he complains to the barman. The barman says :
"the peanuts are complimentary but the c**... machine is out of order"
This was the best joke of my birthday cards this morning, so thither I would share.
I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.
I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too
Today is my cake day
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Life's been a bit weird lately.
A while back I showed up late to a dinner at my hot lesbian neighbours. They forgave me, and eventually we got chatting about my birthday. They asked me what I wanted for it. Answer was pretty obvious, I told them I wanted a watch. They giggled a bit, and eventually agreed.
I think they were just teasing me though, its been a week since my birthday and I still can't tell the time.
Seen two girls have s**... though.
A man breaks into a wealthy persons house
He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate to escape with something. He spots a door at the end of the hallway that appears to have been left unlocked he opens to find the houses owner. He says "YOU!! How did you get past my security" the robber says "you let your guard down"
When my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I winked.
She bought me eye drops.
Her: I like your name
Me: Thanks, I got it for my birthday
For my birthday, my friend bought me a book called, "Road Kill Recipes". As luck would have it, the very next day, I came across some road kill, so I cooked it according to one of the recipes in the book and it was delicious...
I'm just not sure what I should do with the bike...
I once told someone my birthday
And they called me a cancer, seemed harsh
I got a miniature abacus for my birthday.
It's the little things that count!
Three boys are complaining about their fathers...
Boy 1: My father is stingy! On my birthday, he only prepared three types of food!
Boy 2: My father is stingier. He only prepared two types of food for my birthday.
Boy 3: Your fathers are big spenders compared to mine. My father made sure I have five types of food for my birthday.
Boy 1 and 2: How is your father stingier than ours?
Boy 3: Because he asked your father for the leftovers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday...
I said, "Aw, I don't need presents, I just want a nice, relaxing massage and some of that great s**... we used to have."
Anyway guys, it worked, she is buying me so much stuff.
You know the difference between my birthday and a courtroom?
My dad shows up at a courtroom.
ilove my family...
For his birthday, I gave my son an iPhone.
My daughter received an iPod for hers.
For my birthday, I was pleased to receive an iPad.
My mother was given an iMac for her birthday.
Thinking along the same lines, I got my wife an iRon. And that's when the fight started…
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My birthday is coming up, wife agreed to bday s**....
Thankfully she'll be out of town on a business trip so I'll have the house all to myself.
I didn't get the Xbox Series X I wanted for my birthday.
I need someone to console me.
A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday
She drops hints to her husband:
"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."
The husband nods knowingly. So for her birthday, he buys her a scale.
And that's when the fight started...
It was my birthday yesterday and I got given a rubbish thesaurus
It was rubbish
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
This year my wife was struggling for ideas on what to get me for my birthday.
I said that for my birthday, I would like a t**.... I've never had one before, and I would feel like less of a creep if she organized it.
She was surprisingly on-board. She said that she had a friend from college who would probably be up for it.
But I think I ruined the night when I asked her who she had in mind for the third person.
I'm not an alcoholic. I only drink on two days out of the year.
My birthday and not my birthday
An italian couple got into an argument
Wife: How can you not remember my birthday? We've been married for 40 years!
Husband: Well the same thing happened last year, and you told me to forget about it.
Dad joke for my birthday
I just opened my birthday card from my Dad...
"How time has flown, it only seems like 12 months since your last birthday"
I opened my birthday card and a load of rice fell out
I know exactly who sent it. It was my Uncle Ben.
You have a really cool name!
Thanks! I got it for my Birthday!
I had a birthday cake and decided to share it with my friend.
I decided to cut one quarter of the cake and gave it to him and I kept the rest for myself.
He started crying and whining about how selfish I was.
Me: Alright, so if you were in my position what would you do?
Friend: If it was my birthday cake, I would give you the bigger piece and keep the smaller piece for myself because I'm not selfish.
Me: But that's exactly what I just did so what are you complaining about?
For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings.
This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees.
My birthday was so beautiful
Even the cake was in Tiers
Obligatory cake day post :)
Hope you enjoy it.
I hope everyone is doing well during these tough times. Even if you're not, that is completely understandable and valid. Just know, that I may not know you, but I am supporting you. Sending you all a virtual hug. You may also have a slice of my cake :)
Quarantine birthday
My birthdays in quarantine, but I'm not sad I had the exact number of people who came last year
Apparently I'm getting an "anchovy" for my birthday
Not sure what that means, but I think it's a little fishy
On my birthday my parents gave me...
up for adoption
I got boots for my birthday then regifted them
It was a reboot
My dad was going to tell a joke on my birthday...
But he left during the delivery.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
0 to 200 in 6 seconds
A couple of weeks before my wife's birthday she pulls me aside and explains, "For my birthday I would like to see something that goes from 0 to 200 in the driveway."
Well, I stand there thinking for awhile and it hits me! I buy it, have it wrapped with a big bow.
On her birthday she comes out and sees it all wrapped and beautiful. She rips the wrapping off and....it's a scale.
Incidentally, does anyone have a couch for me to c**... on for awhile?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I get only one b**... per year
I get only one b**... per year, when I blow the candles on my birthday cake.
My lesbian neighbors bought me a new Rolex for my birthday.
I'm more of an Omega guy myself, but it was still a nice gesture.
I wanted a new drill for my birthday, so when my wife asked, I told her to get a Black and Decker...
She's due in court next week on a racially-aggravated assault charge.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My girlfriend said we could have a t**... for my birthday.
I was really excited until she told me I could also pick the guy.
My mother gave me a pendant for my birthday
It was a special gift with a picture of my late grandmother inside.
I thanked her profusely, but I had to ask, this is such a unique gift. What made you decide on this specific piece of jewelry?
She responded well, your grandmother has always been a strong, in-da-pendant type of woman
Dad keeps breaking into my phone, so I found a password he won't remember.
My birthday.
My girlfriend forgot my birthday.
"I lost track of days," she explained. "I blame my period."
"Oh c'mon," I scoffed, "how can you blame your period?"
And she responded, "Because during that time of the month, one day bleeds into the next."
My dad got me a PacMan shaped cake for my birthday.
At least, that's his explanation for the shape.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my father for a 30-year-old e**... for my birthday...
He brought home a 30-year-old Ford e**... instead.
I'm ginger, my birthday is on April fools day, I was born during a thunder storm, and I have a lazy eye... If anything, my life is a joke..
I got a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer.
Credit to Steven Wright.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake
Got kidnapped on my birthday party…
Guess I was taken by surprise.
