Mutters Jokes
22 mutters jokes and hilarious mutters puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mutters that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Mutters Short Jokes
Short mutters jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mutters humour may include short mumbles jokes also.
- My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the lord of the rings trilogy. She's Tolkien in her sleep.
- I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia But I had to stop him, because I didn't want him to Babylon
- "And remember," said the boss, "there's no I in TEAM!" "Yeah," muttered one of the peons, "and there's not much sign of U in it either."
- Poetic Justice Judge:
I find you guilty.
You are sentenced to ten years,
Take him away boys.
Prosecutor mutters, "Poetic Justice" - I saw a garden elf On the subway today muttering to himself click.... click.... click.... click....
He was a metro gnome. - Old lady looking in the mirror says these aren't wrinkles they're laughter lines
husband mutters under his breath
must've been hilarious - After seeing the Kim Kardashian cover of Paper Magazine, Sir Mix-a-lot, reportedly tipped his hat, muttered that his work here was done and rocketed into space to return to his home planet Uranus...
- I was taking a stroll through the town when i saw a midget go up to a black man, and mutter a racial slur I turn to my friend and say, That's a little racist
- A priest was breathing his last on his deathbed. He was asked by his family if he had any last wishes... After a deep, troubled breath, he muttered, "nun".
- I walked up to the really depressed cashier. He scanned all my items. I said, "So, what's the damage?"
"£42.53," he muttered.
I said, "I was referring to you."
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Mutters One Liners
Which mutters one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mutters? I can suggest the ones about grumbles and growls.
- I saw this guy today muttering "1,3,5,7,9..." under his breath. I thought he was odd.
- People seem to think I come from Kent. I hear them mutter the word as I walk past.
- Ever heard of BLM I think it means black lives mutter, but I may have misunderstood...
Hilarious Mutters Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about mutters you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean frowns jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mutters pranks.
A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says
"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."
"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"
"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.
As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he of course refuses. Arriving back at the abbey, he happens upon the Mother Superior. Curiosity gets the better of him and he asks, "Mother...er...what's a naughty?
She replies "Two hundred dollars, just like in Kings Cross."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favourite lawyer joke
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all
lawyers are a**....'
A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!'
'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies.
'No I'm an a**...!'
3 brothers in their 90s lived in the same house.
While the 92yo and 94yo were playing cards in the dining room, the 96yo calls down, "Guys, the bathtub is full, but I can't remember if I was about to get in, or if I just got out."
The 94yo shakes his head and starts up the stairs to help him out. Halfway up, he calls out, "Hey, guys? Was I going up the stairs or down the stairs?"
The 92yo shakes his head and mutters "I hope my memory never gets that bad, knock on wood," as he knocks on the dining table. Then he calls, "I'll be with you guys in a second. Let me check who's at the door first."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman marries a man and has 10 children...
The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children.
That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the f**..., the priest mutters, "Good god! They're finally together!"
A man at the f**... asks another man on his left, Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?
The man on his left says, I think he means her legs...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is sitting on a barstool...
and eating from a bowl of peanuts. But instead of just eating them, he takes one peanut at a time, mutters "You s**...!", and then crams it into his mouth. He continues to do this for a while.
Finally, the woman next to him can't contain her curiosity. "Why are you saying that?" she asks.
"I like them roasted."
A man is talking with his pet fish,
The fish tells the man that the word "gullible" is on the ceiling, the man looks and sees nothing on the ceiling.
The fish mutters under it's breath, "Heh, gillable."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two midgets go into a bar...
Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first midget, however, is unable to get an e**.... His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of Here I come again … ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second midget asks the first, How did it go?
The first mutters, It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a e**....
The second midget shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? …. I couldn't even get on the bed!
A baby was born...
A baby was born and during its christening, mutters God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.
A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma and sure enough the next day, Grandma dies.
A couple months pass and the Dad overhears the baby talking to itself again, saying God bless Mummy, goodbye Daddy and Dad goes to work the next morning absolutely petrified. Yet, he manages to survive the whole day.
At the dinner table, he asks his wife how her day was and she responds...
Oh, it was terrible! The postman died on our doorstep!
So a blonde is invited to a Lying competition
The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.
On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for the microphone, grasping for any idea, and stares at the crowd. "hmm, let me think about this", she mutters to herself.
The crowd breaks into cheers and applause, confetti falls from the sky, and the Judge walks up to her, and gives her the first place award.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Burt and Arthur are playing golf
As Burt is eyeing in a putt on the 14th, a f**... procession drives slowly down the road right next to the green. Burt drops his putter, removes his hat, bows his head and mutters in a respectful manner.
Arthur congratulates Burt on his display of respect and says he didn't know Burt had such respect for the deceased, especially in the middle of a shot.
Burt replies well usually I wouldn't bother, but after 45 years of marriage I guess it's only fair to her
So a blonde goes to a lying competition...
The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.
On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for the microphone, grasping for any idea, and stares at the crowd. "hmm, let me think about this", she mutters to herself.
The crowd breaks into cheers and applause, confetti falls from the sky, and the Judge walks up to her, and gives her the first place award.
( i think this is original, it works better the way my father said it in hindi, but it I hope yall like it)
Communist Russia and Santa
There is a couple walking in communist Russia. However, they aren't communists themselves. The two (Ken and Jen) are debating over whether it's raining or snowing.
"It's totally snowing." Says Ken.
"No, this is definitely rain..." Jen remarks.
The two see their friend Rudolph, a communist. He has never been wrong about the weather before. They ask him what the weather is.
Quickly, he says "I can affirm that it's raining, friends."
"Ha!" Says Jen.
"B-b-but!" Ken mutters, trying to keep his composure.
"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Jen remarks.
Two pilots
A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."
"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"
"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"
"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah" That Japanese, not Chinese."
"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike."
There's a few minutes of silence....
"I no rike Jews." the copilot suddenly announces.
"Oh yeah, why not?" Asks the captain.
"Jews sink Titanic." says the co-pilot.
"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain "It was an iceberg."
"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , Gilberg, nomattah...all same."
The Science Teacher
A teacher walks by a lab table when a student turns to him and complains, "There's water all over my lab table!"
The teacher looks back at the table to see tape over the lab faucet and says, "It looks like one idiot taped the sink faucet, and another idiot turned the faucet on."
The student looks around sheepishly, and mutters "I wonder who that idiot was..."
The teacher looks back at the student and asks, "Was that idiot you?"
The student shrugs and says "Well yea, I wanted to see what happened."
The teacher looks thoughtfully at the faucet for a moment, before turning it on, watching water spray across the table.
The student looks back at the teacher, "Doesn't that make you an idiot too?"
The teacher looks at him and says, "No, I have a degree in science, we call that a scientific inquiry."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Stalin, a secretary, and a general
It's the height of World War II. In a Kremlin briefing room, a leading Russian general has just been given direct orders from Stalin to advance on his front, presumably a suicidal command. Upon leaving, the general mutters under his breath the words "Murderous Mustache".
Stalin's secretary, who is nearby, overhears these words and dashes into the Vozhd's war office. "Comrade Stalin, Comrade Stalin! That General, do you know what he just said! He said murderous mustache!".
Stalin, incensed, calls the general back into his office. "Comrade, I've been told you just said the words "Murderous Mustache". Who were you referring to?"
"The despicable Fascist s**..., Adolf h**.... That was who I was talking about, Comrade Stalin." replies the general in a cool, collected manner.
Stalin turns to his secretary.
"And who did YOU have in mind, Comrade Secretary?"
Halloween. Three boys knock on the door of an old lady.
They are in single file and stand there silently. She says to the first boy "Well? It is Halloween right? When you come to the door what do you say??". The boys start to chuckle as Spiderman mumbled "trick or treat?". He takes his candy in silence as the woman asks "now what do you say?". The boys laugh a little harder as the boy mutters a thank you. When the vampire approaches silently she becomes irritated. "You clearly heard me earlier...you were laughing. What do you say?" The boys laugh louder and he gets his treat. "Now what do you say?" nearly falling over with laughter the boy thanks her. The woman becomes agitated and asks them why they think that politeness is a joke to them. The third boy was dressed as a fox.
EDIT content and some caps original from mobile.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A platoon of soldiers is overseas fighting the battle of a lifetime
when all of the sudden, Private Smith runs out of ammo. He yells over for his Sergeant for some more, when the Sergeant throws him a stick. "What am I supposed to do with this?!" Smith yells angrily. In a joking manner, the Sergeant replies "Point it at the enemy, and yell BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY!!!
Private Smith mutters "You've gotta be kidding" but just to prove his Sergeant is an idiot, he does it. An enemy soldier comes up, he points the stick at him and yells BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY. Enemy dies. Smith thinks "There's no way that worked, someone else must have shot him, let me try it again." BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY! Another soldier goes down. Bewildered, he does it again, and again, with great success. Private Smith kills many people in this manner, and he begins to get very c**....
His platoon is patrolling a rural road, when they get ambushed, and Private Smith knows that to do. BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY!!! BANGITY BANGITY BANGITY! BANGITY BANGITY BANGI-AAAAGGGHHHH! He starts writhing on the ground in immense pain. His Sergeant pulls him to safety and asks whats wrong. Smith replies "Somebody yelled tankity tankity tankity"
