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Mutters Jokes

27 mutters jokes and hilarious mutters puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mutters that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Mutters Short Jokes

Short mutters jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mutters humour may include short muttering jokes also.

  1. My wife woke up just now. She is dreaming and muttering about how she wrote the lord of the rings trilogy. She's Tolkien in her sleep.
  2. I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about Ancient Mesopotamia But I had to stop him, because I didn't want him to Babylon
  3. "And remember," said the boss, "there's no I in TEAM!" "Yeah," muttered one of the peons, "and there's not much sign of U in it either."
  4. Poetic Justice Judge:
    I find you guilty.
    You are sentenced to ten years,
    Take him away boys.
    Prosecutor mutters, "Poetic Justice"
  5. A turtle got mugged by a gang of snails... In the aftermath the police officer asked the turtle for details.
    Trembling, the turtle mutters, "I... I don't know. It all just... happened so fast!"
  6. I saw a garden elf On the subway today muttering to himself click.... click.... click.... click....
    He was a metro gnome.
  7. Old lady looking in the mirror says these aren't wrinkles they're laughter lines
    husband mutters under his breath
    must've been hilarious
  8. After seeing the Kim Kardashian cover of Paper Magazine, Sir Mix-a-lot, reportedly tipped his hat, muttered that his work here was done and rocketed into space to return to his home planet Uranus...
  9. I was taking a stroll through the town when i saw a midget go up to a black man, and mutter a racial slur I turn to my friend and say, That's a little racist
  10. A priest was breathing his last on his deathbed. He was asked by his family if he had any last wishes... After a deep, troubled breath, he muttered, "nun".

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Mutters One Liners

Which mutters one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mutters? I can suggest the ones about mumbles and grumbles.

  1. I saw this guy today muttering "1,3,5,7,9..." under his breath. I thought he was odd.
  2. People seem to think I come from Kent. I hear them mutter the word as I walk past.
  3. Ever heard of BLM I think it means black lives mutter, but I may have misunderstood...

Mutters joke, Ever heard of BLM

Hilarious Mutters Jokes that Bring Laughter with Friends

What funny jokes about mutters you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean growls jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mutters pranks.

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."
"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"
"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.
As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he of course refuses. Arriving back at the abbey, he happens upon the Mother Superior. Curiosity gets the better of him and he asks, "Mother...er...what's a naughty?
She replies "Two hundred dollars, just like in Kings Cross."

My favourite lawyer joke

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Upon receiving his drink he mutters: 'all
lawyers are a**....'
A guy down the bar angrily yells: 'HEY!'
'Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?' The man replies.
'No I'm an a**...!'

The best chicken joke ever!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg is frowning and looking a bit p**... off.

The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

3 brothers in their 90s lived in the same house.

While the 92yo and 94yo were playing cards in the dining room, the 96yo calls down, "Guys, the bathtub is full, but I can't remember if I was about to get in, or if I just got out."
The 94yo shakes his head and starts up the stairs to help him out. Halfway up, he calls out, "Hey, guys? Was I going up the stairs or down the stairs?"
The 92yo shakes his head and mutters "I hope my memory never gets that bad, knock on wood," as he knocks on the dining table. Then he calls, "I'll be with you guys in a second. Let me check who's at the door first."

A woman marries a man and has 10 children...

The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The next man dies so the woman remarries again and has ten more children.
That man dies so the woman remarries and has 10 more children.
The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.
At the f**..., the priest mutters, "Good god! They're finally together!"
A man at the f**... asks another man on his left, Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?
The man on his left says, I think he means her legs...

A distressed but attractive woman

A distressed but attractive woman stands at the top of a cliff trying to get together the nerve to jump.
A passing hobo stops and asks "since you're about to kill yourself anyway, do you mind if we have s**... first?"
The woman replies, "Get away from me you sicko"
As the hobo turns and walks away he mutters "fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom then"

A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store

A nervous looking young man walks into a drug store. He walks up to the counter and mutters, "Uh... hi... I'd like to buy some... condoms."
Cashier replies, "sure thing! That'll be $9.75 including tax."
The young man starts to panic and says, "Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!!!"

Two priests drive around at night.

Going through a wooded area, they are stopped by the police. Seeing he just has stopped two men of the cloth, the officer mutters: "Excuse me, but we are looking for a child m**......" The priests stick their heads together, and after a short whispered discussion, exclaim: "OK, we'll do it!"

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking put out. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's f**...,

a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward s**... air through his teeth and mutters: "Too late pal, I've already done the paperwork."

A nurse goes to make a note on a chart, but when she reaches into her pocket, she pulls out a r**... thermometer.

Annoyed, she mutters to herself, "d**..., some a**... has got my pen."

A coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's f**......

A coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's f**.... As it was being lowered, a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead! I'm not dead! Let me out." The vicar smiles, leans forward s**... air through his teeth and mutters "sorry mate, it's too late. I've already done the paperwork."

The answer to the most pressing question in human history

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette and has a smile on its face. The egg is staring at the ceiling with a frown on its face. The egg mutters under its breath 'well, I guess we answered That question.'

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking a bit p**... off. The egg mutters, Well, I guess we answered THAT question!

A man is sitting on a barstool...

and eating from a bowl of peanuts. But instead of just eating them, he takes one peanut at a time, mutters "You s**...!", and then crams it into his mouth. He continues to do this for a while.
Finally, the woman next to him can't contain her curiosity. "Why are you saying that?" she asks.
"I like them roasted."

Red Cross nurse

A guy walks into a bar and trips and falls sustaining a horrible injury. "Hold still," the bartender exclaims. "We have a Red Cross nurse right here that can help you!" "Just my luck," mutters the guy, "Why couldn't I have a blonde cheerful nurse instead?"

A man is talking with his pet fish,

The fish tells the man that the word "gullible" is on the ceiling, the man looks and sees nothing on the ceiling.
The fish mutters under it's breath, "Heh, gillable."

Two midgets go into a bar...

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first midget, however, is unable to get an e**.... His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of Here I come again … ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH! all night long.
In the morning, the second midget asks the first, How did it go?
The first mutters, It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a e**....
The second midget shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? …. I couldn't even get on the bed!

A child predator and a little boy

Are walking in the woods
The child mutters "wow mister these woods are REALLY creepy!"
The predator looks at the child and says "you think they're creepy now, **i** gotta walk out of here alone!"

Watch out, Catholics and Jews, this joke is gonna sting...

A priest and a Rabbi were walking through a park debating religion one day. As they walked by a playground, the priest spots a 10 year old boy running around and under his breath mutters "I wanna screw that boy..." The rabbi, having heard the priest, responds "Out of what?"

A baby was born...

A baby was born and during its christening, mutters God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, god bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa and the next day the Grandpa suddenly dies.
A few weeks pass and the baby speaks up again, babbling God bless Mummy, god bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma and sure enough the next day, Grandma dies.
A couple months pass and the Dad overhears the baby talking to itself again, saying God bless Mummy, goodbye Daddy and Dad goes to work the next morning absolutely petrified. Yet, he manages to survive the whole day.
At the dinner table, he asks his wife how her day was and she responds...
Oh, it was terrible! The postman died on our doorstep!

Mutters joke, A baby was born...