Mustard Up Jokes
122 mustard up jokes and hilarious mustard up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about mustard up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Mustard Up Short Jokes
Short mustard up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mustard up humour may include short mustard jokes also.
- What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran
- A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he? A seasoned veteran.
- Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier. He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.
- I once knew a soldier who suffered through both mustard gas and pepper spray. He was a seasoned veteran.
- A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, And then Pepper Spray by the police, He's now a seasoned veteran. First time on this sub reddit so don't have a lot of experience
- What do you call a soldier who has been mustard gassed and pepper sprayed? A seasoned veteran.. I'm so sorry
- Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner. "Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.
"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.
"No, mustard," Monica replies - A blonde walks into a laundromat... And says to a worker, "can you wash this shirt?"
The worker did not hear her and said "come again?"
The blonde than replies "no it is mustard this time" - Did you hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? They say that he's a seasoned veteran.
- After years in the Military After years in the Military, the soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray and was proud to finally be able to call himself a seasoned veteran.
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Mustard Up One Liners
Which mustard up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mustard up? I can suggest the ones about mustard gas and carrot up.
- I knew a guy who survived mustard gas and pepper spray He is now a seasoned veteran
- The military man survived mustard gas and pepper spray He's a seasoned veteran
- Why did the mustard lose the race between sauces? Because it couldn't ketchup
- A guy survived pepper spray and mustard gas Now, he's a seasoned veteran
- Dijon vu The feeling you've eaten this mustard before.
- What do you call a Mustard Competition? A Compe*Dijon*
- How did the hot dog ask the ketchup out on a date? He mustard up the courage.
- How did the hot dog get a date? He mustard up the courage to ask.
- What do you call it when the stars align for a mustard thief? A Gulden's opportunity.
- What do you call a singing bottle of mustard? Celine Dijon
- What happens when you mix mustard and ketchup together? it's must-up ..*rubs brow*
- What do you call a discount for mustard? A poupon coupon
- I thought the mustard would prevent pregnancies... ...but the condiment nothing!
- Why is ketchup married to mustard? Cause ketchup accidentally broke the condiment.
- What did the wiener dog say to the Doberman? Go ahead I'll ketchup, I mustard.
Mustard Up Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about mustard up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mustard and ketchup jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mustard up pranks.
Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard."
Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard."
Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard.
Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I was putting mustard on my sandwich and I had that strange feeling I had already done that. I was experiencing De'-Jonvu!
Dry Cleaning
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard this time."
Dry cleaners.
A hot blond walks into a Dry cleaners. She tells the teller "I need to get a stain removed from my sweater. The teller being a little hard of hearing asks "Come again?" To which she replied " No, its mustard."
A woman walks into a dry cleaner...
and says "I've got another dress for you"
The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, reply "come again?"
The woman responds with "No this time its mustard"
A couple went out to eat ...
A couple went out to eat at a nice restaurant. The waiter came over to give them the specials of the night, "For our main courses, we have a nice roasted Salmon with a Cranberry-Mustard sauce or a tender Chicken fried steak." The lady replied that she'd have the salmon.
The waiter said, "Very good, madam. What about the vegetable?"
She said, "Oh, I'm sure he'll just order the Chicken Fried Steak."
A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...
The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"
The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"
The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously l**... it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"
Blonde walks into a...
A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta
After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world.
After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the residence to eat mustard.
Churchill started first. He took a silver spoon with some mustard and tried his best to feed the cat but failed.
-You british people don't understand, it should be done with democracy - said Roosevelt.
He took some chicken and put some mustard on it. The cat sniffed for a moment but walked away with no interest in the food he offered.
Without any hesitation Stalin took the cat and started to spread mustard on the fluffy tail. The cat started meowing loudly and lickеd the tail to wash out the mustard. Meowed and licked, meowed and licked... Then Stalin said wisely:
-That's how we do everything in our country, voluntarily and with a song.
What's honey mustards least favorite holiday?
Cinco de Mayo
Being a man of many flavors.
I survived mustard gas and pepper spray, yesterday I was honored a seasoned veteran.
Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty...
..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says "I need to get this cleaned" to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies "come again?", Lindsay responds "No, mustard".
Another day at the White House
After returning from the White House after a forum on s**... in the workplace, Monica Lewinsky takes her dress to the dry cleaner.
The dry cleaner has an ear infection and is having trouble hearing.
Monica says to the dry cleaner, I need my dress cleaned. The dry cleaner does not hear her well and says "come again", and Monica replies, "No, mustard"
I'm opening a ranch for battered children...
Because I ran out of honey mustard
I can't keep a steady job!
I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn't hack it. They gave me the ax.
I worked as a tailor but I wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I worked in a muffler factory but it was too exhausting.
I attempted to be a deli worker but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
I worked as a musician but I found out I wasn't note worthy.
I worked as a doctor but I didn't have any patience.
I became a professional fisherman but I found out I couldn't live on my net income.
I worked as a pool maintenance worker but it was too draining.
I worked at the zoo, feeding giraffes, but I wasn't up to it.
I worked as a historian but found out that there's no future in that.
I worked at Starbucks but I quit because it was always the same old grind.
Door to Door salesman - another oldie
A couple was having their morning routine before they head to their jobs when suddenly the doorbell rang. The wife rushed to the door. When she opened it a man with a bucket full of s,,t rushed in and splashed them all over the carpet with a grin. Before the women could react he started his speech:
- My name is Tom and this is the all new (insert random hoover brand here) vacuum cleaners that is guaranteed to clean any type of mess on your floors, carpets or upholstery. If it doesn`t do the job I will eat all of the s,,t!
At that point the women just asked him:
- Mustard or ketchup?
- Excuse me? - he asked with a blank expression on his face.
- Would you like ketchup or mustard with your s,,t, Tom? - asked the woman again somewhat irritated.
- There is no need for that. Just you wait until you've seen the hoover in action. - he replied with a smirk.
- Oh, but there is. We haven't had electricity for a week.
No arms, no legs.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pothole? Phil.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a wall? Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that you lift? Jim.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs acting as a buoy? Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs being peed on? John.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs covered in mustard? Frank.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a Jacuzzi? Stu.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a burning house? Ash.
I didn't want to add Dijon to my sandwhich thinking it would be too spicy
But I mustard up the courage and did it anyway.
What did the bun say to the hot dog?
I relish the fact that you've mustard the will to ketchup to me!
Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling.
You hear about that condiment bandit?
he smuggled as much as he could mustard
Monica Lewinski walks into the dry cleaners
She says, "I have another dress for you to clean."
The owner who is slightly hard of hearing replies, "Come again?"
"Oh no, it's just mustard"
I don't think that's a drool stain.
A pretty young girl goes into a her local dry-cleaners with an evening dress under her arm. She shows the dress to the old man behind the counter and asks
"It's really not too dirty except for this one stain, can you take care of the stain for me, please?"
The old man is hard of hearing and says
"Come again?"
The girl replies
"No, just some mustard."
How do you get a hotdog to dance?
You put Mustard on the beat
In light of Germany's discovery of ISIS using mustard gas:
What do you call a soldier who's survived mustard gas and pepper spray?
A seasoned veteran.
Why did the drill instructor squirt condiments on his trainees in the morning?
That's how he mustard the troops.
There was a runner...
He was the fastest man in the world, and promised to all the chefs in the world that if they could bring him his favorite kind of hot dog while he was on his daily jog, then he would give them free running lessons.
Hundreds of chefs attempted to give him the best recipe after catching him, yet they all failed.
Finally, a humble chef from New York decided to try out. He made his hot dog for this runner and caught up to him.
As soon as the runner took a bite, he was amazed. It WAS the best dog he'd ever eaten. He then asked the chef how he knew the recipe and was able to catch up to him.
The chef was surprised, thinking it was obvious and responded, "Well, I just took my thyme and mustard the energy to ketchup!"
Two men with Alzheimer's are sat in a park...
... when they hear an ice-cream van pull up nearby. Bob turns to Bill and asks 'do you want an ice-cream Bill?'
Bob says 'yes please, but don't forget the chocolate sauce.'
Bob says 'I won't forget, don't worry. Anything else?'
Bill says 'in that case, I'll have some chopped nuts on it too. Don't forget now.'
Bob says 'I won't, don't worry. Chocolate sauce and chopped nuts, coming right up' and
Bob wanders off in the direction of the ice-cream van.
After 40 minutes, Bob finally turns up with two hot-dogs. Bill says 'you fool Bob! I knew you'd forget! I wanted mustard on mine!'
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaners
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaners, the guy is a little old and hard of hearing. Monica says "i need to get this dress cleaned, no starch, use the same hanger."
The dry cleaner responds "come again?"
Monica says "nope, this time it's mustard."
What do you call a baby that is fed breast milk?
A mustard dispenser.
Bill Clinton takes a dress to the dry cleaners...
He asks the laundress to get a stain out of the dress, but she doesn't quite hear him with the machines running.
"Come again?" she says.
"Actually, it's mustard this time."
Why is mustard good to have in case of an emergency?
It's always prepared.
Why is mustard gas so dangerous?
Because it was used in World War One to kill people.
You know which singer really cut the mustard?
Celine Dijon
BIG CHANGES COMING AT THE MAYO CLINIC!
They're switching to mustard!
h**... became temporarily blinded from a Mustard gas attack during WW1, which means...
He could not see.
I'll have an Italian BMT on Cheddar bread with everything but lettuce. A squirt of mayo and yellow mustard too please.
Oops. Wrong sub.
Well this should spice things up.
I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
What do you call mustard that's not very hot?
Air condijoned.
I'll see myself out.
I was really nervous before going to my interview at the Coleman's factory...
But eventually I mustard up the courage.
A blonde goes to the dry cleaners.
She tells the attendant that she needs to have her dress cleaned.
However, the attendant wasn't paying attention. Snapping out of his day dream, he asked, "Come again?"
Giggling, the blonde replied, "No, just mustard this time."
A soldier was assaulted with pepper spray and mustard gas.
He returned home a seasoned veteran.
What is yellow and rolls down a hill?
Mustard in a rollerskate
Where do you go if you don't like mustard?
Mayo clinic
My wife told me if I kept making puns about my dark yellow glove then she'd leave me.
I told her I could see where she was coming from, even I found it annoying I mustard mitt.
A blonde walks into a very noisy dry cleaners..
blonde: "Could you get this stain out for me please"
cashier: "COME AGAIN?"
blonde: "NO ITS MUSTARD THIS TIME"
Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police?
He's now a seasoned veteran.
Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this
I was fired from my job in a restaurant kitchen for refusing to slice up one of the condiments with a knife...
I just didn't cut the mustard.
Why it's called the pc mustard race?
Because consoles need to ketchup
Former president Clinton
Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit,
"I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?"
The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?"
"No, it was mustard this time."
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of ketchup and mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What's the best thing to give a dog with a fever?
Tomato sauce and mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
A woman walks into the dry cleaners...
Clerk: Hello ma'am, what can we do for you?
Woman: I would like to drop off my coat.
Clerk: Ok, what would you like us to do with it?
Woman: I would like you to get the stain out of the collar area.
Clerk: Come again?
Woman: No, it's mustard this time.
What was the battle where mustard gas was first used?
The battle of Hienz
All the foods were sad when Mustard died.
He condiment something to all of them.
Blonde Joke!
Blonde walks into a dry cleaner with her sweater and asks the clerk how much it would cost to get the stain out. The clerk didn't hear her turns to her and says come again? The blonde giggles and says no it's just mustard this time
. What did the hot dog say when his friend passed him in the race
A. Wow, I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
A man goes to the dry cleaner's and says, Hey buddy, can I get this dress cleaned?
Dry cleaner guy, taking off his earphones: Come again?
Man: No, mustard.
Lawyers are like mustard gas
When used by the enemy, it's a vile, dirty, despicable trick.
When used by your side, it's perfectly justifiable.
I told folks at work that Colonel Mustard did it in the library with the candle stick.
They looked at me dumbfounded as if they didn't have a clue!