Mustard Jokes
105 mustard jokes and hilarious mustard puns to laugh out loud. Read food jokes about mustard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you ready for some cheesy laughter? Get ready for the best mustard jokes around, from the mustard seed to mustard and ketchup to mustard gas and mustard up. Learn about dijon mustard, Colonel Mustard and honey mustard, and get ready to laugh out loud at the puns about the condiment from the dispenser to Heinz to cranberry!
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Funniest Mustard Short Jokes
Short mustard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The mustard humour may include short mayonnaise jokes also.
- What do you call a soldier that's survived mustard gas and pepper spray? A seasoned veteran
- Just been talking to an old guy, ex-soldier. He explained to me he had been exposed to mustard gas and pepper spray, it was nice chatting to a seasoned veteran.
- Monica Lewinsky takes a dress to her dry cleaner. "Do you think you'll be able to get the stain out?" she asks.
"Come again?" the man at the counter responds.
"No, mustard," Monica replies - Did you hear about the retired soldier that got mustard gassed and pepper sprayed by the police? He's now a seasoned veteran.
Not sure if this is a repost, one of my friends told me this - My Grandfather survived Pepper spray and Mustard gas attacks in two wars.. ..and came to us a seasoned Veteran.
- Lawyers are like mustard gas When used by the enemy, it's a vile, dirty, despicable trick.
When used by your side, it's perfectly justifiable. - Maybe I should have put more mustard on my cheeseburger In Heinz sight, I should have added more ketchup
- What's the best thing to give a dog with a fever? Tomato sauce and mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
- My wife told me if I kept making puns about my dark yellow glove then she'd leave me. I told her I could see where she was coming from, even I found it annoying I mustard mitt.
- Colonel Mustard invited me to the library to check out his candlestick collection, but I dunno... I got a bad feeling.
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Mustard One Liners
Which mustard one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with mustard? I can suggest the ones about mayo and condiment.
- Why did the mustard lose the race between sauces? Because it couldn't ketchup
- Dijon vu The feeling you've eaten this mustard before.
- What do you call a Mustard Competition? A Compe*Dijon*
- How did the hot dog ask the ketchup out on a date? He mustard up the courage.
- What do you call it when the stars align for a mustard thief? A Gulden's opportunity.
- What do you call a singing bottle of mustard? Celine Dijon
- What happens when you mix mustard and ketchup together? it's must-up ..*rubs brow*
- What do you call a discount for mustard? A poupon coupon
- I thought the mustard would prevent pregnancies... ...but the condiment nothing!
- Why is ketchup married to mustard? Cause ketchup accidentally broke the condiment.
- What did the wiener dog say to the Doberman? Go ahead I'll ketchup, I mustard.
- Customer: Give me a hot dog.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with mustard. - Why it's called the pc mustard race? Because consoles need to ketchup
- You know which singer really cut the mustard? Celine Dijon
- What did the mustard salesman say when a bird pooped on him? I have Grey Poupon me
Mustard Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny mustard up jokes and even better mustard up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of ketchup and mustard. But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
- Do you know what my uncle got for surviving the mustard gas and pepper spray attacks? He got the seasoned veteran award.
- I'll have an Italian BMT on Cheddar bread with everything but lettuce. A squirt of mayo and yellow mustard too please. Oops. Wrong sub.
- A guy walks into a bar A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hot dog. "Do you want ketchup and mustard on that?" the bartender asks. "Neither. I just want to relish it."
- when I worked at Wendy's, the company insisted that whoever made the burgers must draw the mustard onto the bun as a "W" but I would draw the mustard onto burgers as an "M" and no one ever found out.
- . What did the hot dog say when his friend passed him in the race A. Wow, I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
- I was fired from my job in a restaurant kitchen for refusing to slice up one of the condiments with a knife... I just didn't cut the mustard.
- Being a man of many flavors. I survived mustard gas and pepper spray, yesterday I was honored a seasoned veteran.
- Why did the drill instructor squirt condiments on his trainees in the morning? That's how he mustard the troops.
- I'll have a club sandwich on rye. Hold the mayo. Cuddle the mustard. Whisper soft words of confidence to the lettuce. Make love to the onion
Mustard And Ketchup Jokes
Here is a list of funny mustard and ketchup jokes and even better mustard and ketchup puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Well this should spice things up. I relish the fact that you've mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
- He loves ketchup and mustard... ...but Manti Te'o is Anti-mayo.
Dijon Mustard Jokes
Here is a list of funny dijon mustard jokes and even better dijon mustard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I didn't want to add Dijon to my sandwhich thinking it would be too spicy But I mustard up the courage and did it anyway.
- At a deli for lunch yesterday. . . I had this strange feeling come over me that I had tasted the mustard before. I think that's dijon vu.
Honey Mustard Jokes
Here is a list of funny honey mustard jokes and even better honey mustard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's honey mustards least favorite holiday? Cinco de Mayo
- What do you call it when your significant other has to go number 2? Honey Mustard
- I'm opening a ranch for battered children... Because I ran out of honey mustard
- What did the honey mustard say when your mom opened the fridge? Close the door, I'm dressing!
Playful Mustard Jokes to Add Joy and Laughter to Your Group
What funny jokes about mustard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean ketchup jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make mustard pranks.
A woman walks into a dry cleaner...
and says "I've got another dress for you"
The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, reply "come again?"
The woman responds with "No this time its mustard"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A German, an American, and a Russian are arguing who can feed a spoonful of mustard to a cat more easily...
The German just grabs the cat and forces the spoon with mustard into its mouth. The other two protest: "This is violence!"
The American hides the mustard between two slices of sausage. The other two protest: "This is deception!"
The Russian spreads the mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts furiously l**... it off, meowing loudly. "See - he does it voluntarily and with songs!"
The leaders of the Big Three after the conference in Yalta
After WW2 in 1945 the leaders of the Big Three(USA, UK and the Soviet Union) respectively Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin met in Yalta for a conference to decide the fate of the world.
After the conference they wanted to have some fun. They decided to try and make the Persian cat in the residence to eat mustard.
Churchill started first. He took a silver spoon with some mustard and tried his best to feed the cat but failed.
-You british people don't understand, it should be done with democracy - said Roosevelt.
He took some chicken and put some mustard on it. The cat sniffed for a moment but walked away with no interest in the food he offered.
Without any hesitation Stalin took the cat and started to spread mustard on the fluffy tail. The cat started meowing loudly and lickеd the tail to wash out the mustard. Meowed and licked, meowed and licked... Then Stalin said wisely:
-That's how we do everything in our country, voluntarily and with a song.
Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty...
..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says "I need to get this cleaned" to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies "come again?", Lindsay responds "No, mustard".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do black people put mustard on their tootsie rolls?
So they don't bite their fingers
I can't keep a steady job!
I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn't hack it. They gave me the ax.
I worked as a tailor but I wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I worked in a muffler factory but it was too exhausting.
I attempted to be a deli worker but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
I worked as a musician but I found out I wasn't note worthy.
I worked as a doctor but I didn't have any patience.
I became a professional fisherman but I found out I couldn't live on my net income.
I worked as a pool maintenance worker but it was too draining.
I worked at the zoo, feeding giraffes, but I wasn't up to it.
I worked as a historian but found out that there's no future in that.
I worked at Starbucks but I quit because it was always the same old grind.
No arms, no legs.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pothole? Phil.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a wall? Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that you lift? Jim.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs acting as a buoy? Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs being peed on? John.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs covered in mustard? Frank.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a Jacuzzi? Stu.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a burning house? Ash.
A horse enters a deli...
... and says "Give me a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeños, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish."
Without a word, the deli owner, standing behind the counter, gets to work on the grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeños, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish.
A while later, she presents him his meal. "Here's your grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeños, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish."
The horse smiles, accepts the food, and asks her, "I bet you were surprised when you saw a horse enter the deli and order a grilled cheese sandwich with tomatoes, peppers, jalapeños, pickles, mustard, mayonnaise, ketchup, and relish."
"Not really," she said. "I like it that way myself."
You hear about that condiment bandit?
he smuggled as much as he could mustard
I don't think that's a drool stain.
A pretty young girl goes into a her local dry-cleaners with an evening dress under her arm. She shows the dress to the old man behind the counter and asks
"It's really not too dirty except for this one stain, can you take care of the stain for me, please?"
The old man is hard of hearing and says
"Come again?"
The girl replies
"No, just some mustard."
How do you get a hotdog to dance?
You put Mustard on the beat
What do you call a baby that is fed breast milk?
A mustard dispenser.
Why is mustard good to have in case of an emergency?
It's always prepared.
Why is mustard gas so dangerous?
Because it was used in World War One to kill people.
BIG CHANGES COMING AT THE MAYO CLINIC!
They're switching to mustard!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
h**... became temporarily blinded from a Mustard gas attack during WW1, which means...
He could not see.
I like my men like I like my mustard...
spicy and brown.
*spelling
What do you call mustard that's not very hot?
Air condijoned.
I'll see myself out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What is the best condiment to put on Rihanna?
Mustard on that beat h**...!!!
I was really nervous before going to my interview at the Coleman's factory...
But eventually I mustard up the courage.
What is yellow and rolls down a hill?
Mustard in a rollerskate
Where do you go if you don't like mustard?
Mayo clinic
Children are like sausages...
much better when they are covered in mustard.
Former president Clinton
Walks into a dry cleaner with a suit,
"I'm in a hurry can I get this by 3 today?"
The clerk, preoccupied, quickly looked up and asked "come again?"
"No, it was mustard this time."
A woman walks into the dry cleaners...
Clerk: Hello ma'am, what can we do for you?
Woman: I would like to drop off my coat.
Clerk: Ok, what would you like us to do with it?
Woman: I would like you to get the stain out of the collar area.
Clerk: Come again?
Woman: No, it's mustard this time.
What was the battle where mustard gas was first used?
The battle of Hienz
All the foods were sad when Mustard died.
He condiment something to all of them.
Heaviest Lunch
This is a really old story my grandfather told me years ago.
When he was in elementary school in his tiny rural town, they pretty much ate what they grew or killed. Well he was going on a couple weeks of having nothing to eat for lunch at school beside mustard greens and a biscuit. He got tired of eating that, so one day he snuck into the classroom early and swapped his lunch with the heaviest lunch bag he could find.
When lunch time came, he grabbed his new lunch and sat down at the table to eat it. He opened the bag only to find two pecans and a ball peen hammer!
Do you know why Suge Knight puts mustard on his cigars?
So he doesn't bite his finger.
I told folks at work that Colonel Mustard did it in the library with the candle stick.
They looked at me dumbfounded as if they didn't have a clue!
Doctor, I've got mustard in my eyes and I can't see a thing.
Doctor: any other symptoms?
Me: no, but I have the strangest feeling that this has happened before
Doctor: French mustard?
Me: yes, why?
Doctor: It's dijon view
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Biden, Macron, and Putin make a bet who is going to successfully feed mustard to dog
Biden takes the mustard bottle, shoves it in dogs mouth, then squeezes. "That's animal cruelty!" the other two protest.
Macron takes a sausage, puts the mustard inside it, then give it to the dog. "That's cheating!" the other two protest.
Putin takes the mustard, then squeezes it all on the dog's b**.... The dog howls in pain, l**... off the mustard from his b**..., whining the whole time. Putin, with a victorious smile on his face: "That's how we do things in Russia: voluntarily, and with a song!"
