Mustache You Jokes

I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.

Italian cruise ship captain caught fleeing

The Italian captain of the tragic cruise ship incident was caught at customs trying leave the country. He disguised himself as an Italian women dressed in high heels, a red polkadot dress complete with a wig and red liptick. He was busted because he forgot to add the mustache!!

Nice mustache! ...oh.

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore..

My buddy tells me he had s**... with his GF and her twin the other night.

I asked him how he told them apart.
He says, "well her brother has a mustache"

Why did the hipster burn his mustache on his coffee?

...he was totally drinking it before it was cool.

I couldn't find my mustache for a week

It was right under my nose the entire time.

What is the only appropriate to slap a Portuguese woman in the mouth?

When her mustache is on fire.

When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face?

When her mustache is on fire!

My buddy told me he had a t**... with his girlfriend and her twin.......

I asked how he could tell them apart. He said "Her brother has a mustache."

Today I found Jesus in my life. Let me tell you about him.

He is tan with a thick black mustache, and eyes so brown they make your soul melt. He is my gardner, the best I have ever employed.

Accidentally told a joke at work today

Lost a bet and had to grow a mustache.
Co-worker: "Hey booskadoo247, how do you like your mustache?"
booskado247: "It's growing on me."
Accidental Comedian strikes again!

Historians recently discovered evidence that h**... was a ventriloquist.

Apparently he would sneak out some nights with his d**... who was a violinist. He would bring the d**... to small concert venues and ventriloquize the violin music, interjecting humorous anti-Semitic remarks in between songs. To avoid being recognized, we wore a fake mustache, and called his act A Doll Fiddler.

A man walks into a t-shirt store...

There are 3 shirts on display.
The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."
The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."
The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache. It is entitled "Not Milk."

I spent 20 years traversing across the globe searching for the best mustache...

... Until I realized the best mustache was right under my nose the whole time

A conversation between two strangers in a diner...

Man #1: You know, without the mustache you'd look just like my first wife.
Man #2: I don't have a mustache!
Man #1: She did.

I told my SO that now Movember is over they should shave their mustache.

She didn't take it very well.

Thoughts on my new mustache.

It's growing on me.

My friend has been hiding something.

I was cleaning my friend's room for him the other day and moved a pile of clothes off of the floor and into the hamper. To my surprise, when I lifted them, I found a perfectly gelled, expertly trimmed mustache on the ground, I saw him the next day and confronted him about my discovery. ''You got me.'' he said... I had just found his secret stache.

How does a mustache support his family in the event of his untimely death?

By investing in a shavings account.

My friend told me my mustache makes me looks like Jeffery d**....

I said, "Thanks. I've always wanted a killer stache."

Stopped shaving for November, at first I hated the mustache, but what can I say?

It's grown on me.

In light of Movember...

Now that November has drawn to a close, a lot of my friends told me it was finally time to get rid of my 'awful' mustache.
I told them, that goes without shaving!

I s**... my mustache after having kept it for a few years

I hated the way I looked at first, but it's growing on me.

My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had s**... for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

My wife said my mustache brought out my personality.

I replied, Yeah, it's growing on me
(Thought of this one right before sleep, I'll check on it in the morning)

What do you call a mustache soaked in u**...?

A pistachio.

I hated the way I looked after I s**... my mustache...

But then it started growing on me.

Christopher Plummer got an Oscar Nomination for a performance he did entirely in reshoots.

Henry Cavill's mustache was robbed.

My dad said there's a throbbing pain coming from the f**... hair above his upper lip.

It mustache.

With a s**... look and come-hither eyes filled with passion, my girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had s**... for the first time. I rasped...

"No honey, your mustache looks fine to me."

Having an Asian wife is like having a mustache...

Everyone assumes that you m**... children.

I was walking down the street, and some guy came up to me and s**... off my mustache!

He stole it from right under my nose!

How come people with mustaches lose them so often?

They're hiding right under their noses.

Women are like the police

Once they've settled on a partner they eat a lot of donuts and then grow a mustache

what do you call a person obsessed with japanese gaming consoles?

A Wiib.
Don't touch my mustache.

what do you call a guy with twirly mustache but not from france?

A fake baguette

In defense of h**... ...

he sure made that awful mustache REALLY unpopular.

An Eskimo goes to the mechanic

the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." and the Eskimo says "No, that's just frost on my mustache."

How are l**... and walruses different?

One has a mustache and smells like fish and the other one is a walrus.

I don't understand why I don't get a date!

-I don't understand why I don't get a date!
-Did you try without your mustache?
-No.
-Maybe you should Jennifer... maybe you should.

I used to have a great big mustache, but my girlfriend told me it was disgusting and made me shave it.

I miss it already. Where else am I supposed to find eggnog in the middle of April?

Back in the early 1900s Japanese cops always had a mustache

One day a Japanese man walks into a restaurant and asks the waiter for a free bowl of ramen because he is a cop. The waiter replied " you dont have a mustache so how do i know id you are a real cop...". The man quickly pulls down his pants and undys, points to his bush and says "im undercover"

What is the difference between a gay man's mustache and a straight man's mustache?

The smell.
Sorry, stole this from the movie This is 40 and I was cracking up.

What's the difference between your mom & a Walrus?

One has a mustache, and smells like fish.
The other one is a Walrus.

I was talking to my plumber...

I told him, "Mario, I'm growing a big bushy mustache like yours, so I got this hair trap to prevent the stray mustache hairs from clogging my drain. It's working great, and I'm thinking of keeping the mustache, so I figure maybe I should get some plumbing epoxy and affix the hair trap to the pipes. What do you think?"
My plumber responded, "Listen, if it ain't a-broke..."

Decided to start rocking a mustache during quarantine...

Wasn't a fan of it at first but it has started to grow on me

I haven't s**... my mustache since the lockdown begun...

And it's kind of growing on me.

My wife said she found my first gray hair, but I didn't believe her for the longest time. Then when I was brushing my teeth this morning I saw it in the mirror, on the left side of my mustache.

It was right under my nose this whole time.

One day a Soviet Party member is walking through red square when he hears a man shout down with the tyrant with the mustache.

Immediately the party member drags the man to Stalin and explains what he said. Stalin, furious asks: why did you say that? The man replies he was talking about h**.... Stalin understands and sends the man on his way. The party member is about to go as well but is stopped by Stalin and asked: which mustached tyrant were you thinking of when you dragged the man here?

A russian went out of Stalin's office and says to himself

This s**... mustached man.
A KGB officer hears him and grabs him to stalin and tells him what he heard.
Stalin to the man: who did you mean when you said "mustached man".
The man: h**... of course.
stalin to the KGB officer: And who YOU thought he was referring to?

A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells :

I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and s**... rules being a leader! A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin. Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets? Man responds: Of course i was thinking about h**...! ; Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?

The guy with a silly mustache

A man goes into the streets of Moscow and yells : I am tired of this guy with a silly mustache and s**... rules being a leader!
A soldier heard him, so he goes and catches him, later he brings the man to Stalin.
Soldier says to Stalin what happened and Stalin asks the man : Who were you thinking about when you yelled in the streets?
Man responds: Of course I was thinking about h**...! ;
Stalin lets him go but then he stops the soldier to say: Who were YOU thinking about?

A man goes to the doctor, he's visibly losing hair.

He says to the doctor, "I've spent months trying to grow my hair back, trying so many different treatments, but nothing has worked." The doctor says, "Well, it sounds a bit weird but, I suggest you rub the top of your head against your wife's private area once a night." The man does so, and a month later he walks into the doctor's office with a full head of hair. He notices that the doctor has grown a mustache and beard.