mustache Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious mustache puns

My buddy told me he had a threesome with his girlfriend and her twin.......

I asked how he could tell them apart. He said "Her brother has a mustache."

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My buddy tells me he had sex with his GF and her twin the other night.

I asked him how he told them apart.
He says, "well her brother has a mustache"

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My buddy was dating twins...

I asked him how he could tell them apart, and he replied, "That's easy. Barbara has really big tits and Bob has a mustache."

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My girlfriend asked me if I wanted her to shave before we had sex for the first time.

I said no honey, your mustache looks fine.

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Complementing a mustache should be a good thing

I don't know why she took it as an insult.

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What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?

A pistachio.

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I just don't get some people. I mean, you compliment on their mustache out of sheer politeness...

...and all of a sudden she hates your guts.

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Stalin, a secretary, and a general

It's the height of World War II. In a Kremlin briefing room, a leading Russian general has just been given direct orders from Stalin to advance on his front, presumably a suicidal command. Upon leaving, the general mutters under his breath the words "Murderous Mustache".

Stalin's secretary, who is nearby, overhears these words and dashes into the Vozhd's war office. "Comrade Stalin, Comrade Stalin! That General, do you know what he just said! He said murderous mustache!".

Stalin, incensed, calls the general back into his office. "Comrade, I've been told you just said the words "Murderous Mustache". Who were you referring to?"

"The despicable Fascist scum, Adolf Hitler. That was who I was talking about, Comrade Stalin." replies the general in a cool, collected manner.

Stalin turns to his secretary.

"And who did YOU have in mind, Comrade Secretary?"

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Why is it that whenever you complement someone on their mustache...

suddenly she's not your friend anymore?

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People need to learn how to take a compliment...

Just today I complimented the most epic mustache I've ever seen and the lady didn't even say thanks.

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I made a genuine compliment about a co-workers mustache

I don't know why she made such a big deal about it to HR.

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How are lesbians and walruses different?

One has a mustache and smells like fish and the other one is a walrus.

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Two Flies in a bar

One fly is sitting at the bar and his friend walks in shivering, covered in frost.

"What's happened to you?" he asks.

"I rode down in here in a big guy's mustache. He got on his motorcycle and just muscled through the storm." The second fly responded.

"Oh, well next time, what you should do is find a beautiful woman with a big bush, snuggle in there and you'll be fine the whole trip."


The next day the first fly is waiting at the bar and the second fly comes in shivering and covered in frost again.

"What happened, didn't you take my advice?" he asks.

"I did, I did," the second fly responds. "I went to sleep nestled down in the bush, and when I woke up I was back in the Biker's Mustache again"

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I just complimented someone's mustache

and suddenly I'm not friends with her anymore. :(

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At first I wasn't sure if I liked the mustache

But it's growing on me.

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A guy gets stranded on a deserted island with a supermodel...

After about two weeks, they give in to their desires and start having sex. After about three weeks of this, the guy says to the model, "Would you do me a favor?" "Sure she says." "First, put my clothes on," he says. "Next, would you draw a beard and mustache on your face with this piece of coal I found?" "Sure," she says hesitantly. "Finally, can I call you Fred?" he asks. "Okay... " she agrees. "Great! Hey Fred, you'll never guess who I've been banging for the last three weeks!"

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Accidentally told a joke at work today

Lost a bet and had to grow a mustache.

Co-worker: "Hey booskadoo247, how do you like your mustache?"

booskado247: "It's growing on me."

Accidental Comedian strikes again!

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A courteous pick-up line

Guy's in a bar waiting to pick-up an evening's entertainment when this reasonably hot lady sits on the stool next to him.

He doesn't say anything to her, and after about 20 minutes, she says to him ... "OK - I've got to ask you a question".

He says, "Sure - what?"

She says: "During the past 20 minutes, you've stroked your mustache away from your upper lip at least ten times and each time you've done it, you've tried to catch my eye. What exactly are you trying to say with that move?"

He says, "I'm not trying to say anything ... I'm just clearing off a place for you to sit ...".

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Luig' and the hairy woman NSFW

(Told to me in a very poor Italian accent.)

An Italian man is talking to his friend Luig'.

Italian man: "Luig', you like'a the women with the hairy arms?"

Luig': "No."

Italian man: "Luig', you like'a the women with the mustache?"

Luig': "No."

Italian man: "Luig', you like'a the women with the big hairy muff?"

Luig': "No."

Italian man: "Then why are you fucking my wife?"

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I shaved my mustache after having kept it for a few years

I hated the way I looked at first, but it's growing on me.

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Conpliment someone on their mustache ....

And suddenly she won't talk to you.

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I was walking down the street, and some guy came up to me and shaved off my mustache!

He stole it from right under my nose!

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I complimented someone for their amazing mustache.

I don't understand why she threw a fit though.

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Having an Asian wife is like having a mustache...

Everyone assumes that you molest children.

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How does a mustache support his family in the event of his untimely death?

By investing in a shavings account.

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A man walks into a t-shirt store...

There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."

The third tee shirt has a picture of Monica Lewinsky with a white mustache. It is entitled "Not Milk."

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The tale of two gnats

So a gnat is on a vacation and he sees another gnat but he looked beat up with bruises all over his body. He walks over and asks him why he looks the way he does.

"Well," says the beat up gnat, "My living conditions are terrible. I live in this biker's mustache, and if holding on while he's riding faster than everyone else, it's the bar brawls that'll nearly do you in. This is the first time I've gotten a chance to think about it and I need to move."

The other gnat pats him on the back and exclaims, "Well you're in luck, because I know how you can upgrade big time. Do you see that airport over there? Go over there and slip underneath one of the flight attendant's dresses and nestle in their pubic hair. It's warm, it's safe, if you aren't itchy she won't get rid of you, *and* you still get to see the world."

Enlightened, the beat up gnat thanks him and flies straight over to the airport.

One year later, the gnat goes on vacation to the same spot and sees the same gnat from before, beat up as like he was the first time. He flies over and asks him what happened.

"Well," the beat up gnat starts, "I did just as you said, and by golly you were right. For the longest time I felt like I truly had a good home. Then one day, it was suddenly bright, I feel crushed, I heard lots of screaming, and the next thing I knew I was in some biker's mustache."

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An Eskimo goes to the mechanic

the mechanic says "It looks like you blew a seal." and the Eskimo says "No, that's just frost on my mustache."

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When is the only right time to slap an ugly woman?

When her mustache is on fire.

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Nice mustache! ...oh.

I hate when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore..

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Women are like the police

Once they've settled on a partner they eat a lot of donuts and then grow a mustache

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I hated the way I looked after I shaved my mustache...

But then it started growing on me.

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My friend told me my mustache makes me looks like Jeffery Dahmer.

I said, "Thanks. I've always wanted a killer stache."

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Tom Hanks walks into WB studios

Tom Hanks walks into the WB studios and enters one of the many conference rooms.
As he sits down for the read -through, he notices his fellow peers sitting at the table Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill's mustache, Gal Gadot and a couple of other people he was he was only vaguely familiar with. He picks up the script, looks at the first page and throws it back down on the table.
He throws his hands up and says, "I'd like a word with the director please. "
At this point, Zak Snyder steps out with him and asks, "What's the problem,Tom?".
Tom just looks at him and says, " I can't be in a movie with these guys, they're in a league of their own."

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What is the difference between a straight man's mustache and a gay man's mustache?

The smell.

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What are the most funny Mustache jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Mustache? Well, here are the best Mustache dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Mustache pick up lines to share with friends.

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