Comical Muslims Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...
...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages s**... b**... and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
What's the difference between clothes and gay Muslims?
Clothes get hanged when they come INTO the closet.
The muslim
**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**
Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half n**... women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.
Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down
Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet
A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim are sitting in a bar..
the Indian looks up and with a single tear and says "My people were once many, but now we're few." The Muslim chuckles and says " My people were once few, but now we're many." The cowboy looks up and says "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet."
Apparently Muslims invented the c**....
As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable c**.... It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.
Two English Muslims go on holiday in Spain...
Two English Muslims go on a long holiday in Spain, and they're having a wonderful time until one day the weather turns and it rains for three days straight. On the fourth day, one of them looks out of the window in the morning.
"Ahmed, I think we can visit some of the local buildings today. We should bring an umbrella though."
"Ah, but Hissam, how is the weather looking on the forecast? Is it Sunni, or is it s**...'ite?"
Why don't Muslims fill out online forms?
Because they refuse to Submit to anyone but Allah.
Why do Muslims hate h**...?
My friend told me this 'joke' after he found out I was Muslim.
Him: Why do Muslims hate h**...?
Me: Why?
Him: He didn't kill ALL the Jews.
Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?
'Cause they hate the French press
Why do Muslims love esprssso?
It's not so much that they love espresso. They just really hate the French press.
Where can Sihks and Muslims buy headwear?
Turban Outfitters.
You can explore muslims islam reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean muslims haram dad jokes. There are also muslims puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
What's a Muslims favourite place to eat?
Allahu Snackbar
Muslims are a lot like breakfast eggs.
If they aren't Sunni side up, they're probably Shiite.
Isis and the Christian man
An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
Condoms
1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.
How do Muslims like their food served?
Allah Carte
I hear most Muslims are capitalists...
They're always going on and on about some Great Profit.
Donald Trump has cancelled a planned trip to Israel.
When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done."
Donald Trump & Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar...
Donald says to Ted
"What we need to do is kill 140 million Muslims & one smoking hot blonde woman."
Overhearing this the bartender asks why they need to kill a hot blonde woman.
Donald says to Ted, "See I told you no one would care about the Muslims"
I once saw an Arab on a flight....
I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
What kind of w**... do muslims smoke?
Quranic
Why aren't there any Muslims in Star Trek?
Because it's the future
Muslims were the ones that invented the c**....
Muslim's were the ones that invented the c**.... This was well before plastics so they used goat intestines. Then the British came along and stole the idea from the Muslims and improved it by removing the intestines from the goat.
How do Hawaiian Muslims greet each other?
"Aloha Akbar!"
My wife...
My wife just got kidnapped by a group of muslim cannibals.
I'm not worried though, I heard muslims don't eat pigs.
I know Muslims can't eat pork.
Islam ok though?
There are so many closet gay muslims,
Isis just invaded Narnia.
How many Muslims does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Allah them
Geez guys Not all Muslims are ISIS...
Some are Al-Qaaeda or Taliban.
What do you call a trio of Muslims?
The Three Mosqueteers.
How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy?
They add halalapeño.
Some Muslims were having an argument on my street the other day...
I wanted to step in, but I was afraid it would blow up in my face.
How do the Muslims like their eggs cooked?
Sunni side up. I know this is a Shiite joke.
The Jews may be the "Chosen People"...
... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".
People are so divided in this country these days. I don't think either side really realizes that until we all come together, despite our differences; until we all tolerate each other and become one....
We'll NEVER get rid of all the immigrants and Muslims.
Mexicans and Muslims have a lot in common now...
If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
Trump walks into the Oval office, turns to his administrative team and says, I want to organise the deportation of 10,000 Muslims and one kitten.
Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten? Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. You see, no one cares about the Muslims.
I just watched an Imam trying to perform a tracheotomy on a Labrador while free-falling at 10,000 feet...
... I'm not sure extreme vetting for Muslims is such a good idea.
Banned oranges...
It's 2021 and I went to the supermarket to buy some oranges but couldn't find any. I went to another one but there were no oranges again...
I asked the store manager what's the matter
He said "Trump banned all the Muslims for what some of them did so the new president banned all the oranges for what one of them did".
If muslims want to get into the US, they can just pretend they're Christians.
You know, just like Republicans.
Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House
One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.
In a world without Muslims, there wouldn't be a 911.
We'd have to say CMXI instead.
Which rapper is the most acceptable to Muslims?
Halal Cool J
If it wasn't for Muslims, we wouldn't have had 9/11...
It would have been IX/XI.
The Muslims first invented the c**...
The Muslims first invented the c**... in the year 654 using a goat intestine. Christians expanded on this idea in 1364 by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Thanks Reverse-Flash
Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?
Dad: Cause it's the future son
What do Muslims and stoners have in common?
They both get s**... after smoking w**....
Why don't Muslims have s**... Ed and drivers Ed on the same day?
Because they need to give the goat a break.
When is the best time for Muslims to run a race?
Ramadan. They fast during Ramadan.
A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and i**... aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my a**...… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
Where are Muslims going to pray when they go to Mars?
Elon's Mosque
Why are there no Finnish Muslims?
All of them died out one year when Ramadan was in December
In 1272, the Muslims invented the c**..., using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Why do Muslims believe the afterlife is more important than the current life?
If you lived in the Middle East, you would too.
I don't like the jokes about Muslims in this sub.
Most of them are poorly executed.
Two out of eleven jokes about religion are discriminatory towards Jews...
...the other 9/11, towards Muslims.
What do you call a group of muslims that turn into a giant robot?
A mecca
Bacon is like f**...
The muslims can't have it.
A Muslim boy once asked his father: "why is it that Jews can't work on Saturday, Christians can't work on Sunday, but Muslims work on their holy day Friday?"
The dad looked down at his son and said, "God didn't need to force us to take a break because in His infinite wisdom He knew we'd never work that much to begin with."
Where do Russian Muslims pray ?
Mosque'O
It's funny how Jews, Christians and Muslims have fought each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
How do Muslims social distance?
Qur'antine
Two muslims were in relationship.
Her: "I am sorry, but I was Christian before we were together. I know I should have told you earlier."
Him: "No problem, if you don't feel like Christian anymore, you have nothing to worry about."
Her: "Oh, thanks. Don't worry. I feel much better as Christina now."
What state has the most muslims?
Allahbama
I'm done with Ramadan!
Other muslims are still fasting, but I was faster.
Eid Mubarak!
Christians, Muslims, and Jews are always fighting,
but Hindus never have any beef.
