muslims Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious muslims puns

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Β 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
Β 
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
Β 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.Β  Do you have it in paperback?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In a world without Muslims, there wouldn't be a 911.

We'd have to say CMXI instead.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do Jihadist Muslims only drink instant coffee?

'Cause they hate the French press

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Condoms

1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.

1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Jews may be the "Chosen People"...

... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Where are Muslims going to pray when they go to Mars?

Elon's Mosque

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If it wasn't for Muslims, we wouldn't have had 9/11...

It would have been IX/XI.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim are sitting in a bar..

the Indian looks up and with a single tear and says "My people were once many, but now we're few." The Muslim chuckles and says " My people were once few, but now we're many." The cowboy looks up and says "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I went into a Muslim bookstore the other day.

The owner said can I help you? I said I'm looking for the new Donald Trump book about the Muslims and the illegal Mexicans. He said fuck you, get the hell out of here and never come back. I said, that's the one, do you have it in paperback?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

When is the best time for Muslims to run a race?

Ramadan. They fast during Ramadan.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In 1272, Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy?

They add halalapeΓ±o.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?

Dad: Cause it's the future son

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Muslims are a lot like breakfast eggs.

If they aren't Sunni side up, they're probably Shiite.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I saw a "Muslim" Bookstore today and I walked in.

As I was wandering around to take a look, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why aren't there any Muslims in Star Trek?

Because it's the future

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The muslim

**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**

Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half naked women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.

Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down

Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I once saw an Arab on a flight....

I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If muslims want to get into the US, they can just pretend they're Christians.

You know, just like Republicans.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Apparently Muslims invented the condom.

As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable condom. It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Some Muslims were having an argument on my street the other day...

I wanted to step in, but I was afraid it would blow up in my face.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Muslims were the ones that invented the condom.

Muslim's were the ones that invented the condom. This was well before plastics so they used goat intestines. Then the British came along and stole the idea from the Muslims and improved it by removing the intestines from the goat.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today I was at the bookstore.

As I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!"

I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Isis and the Christian man

An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.

ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.

Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."

"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I know Muslims can't eat pork.

Islam ok though?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I hear most Muslims are capitalists...

They're always going on and on about some Great Profit.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man died and gets shown around in heaven by St. Peter

β€žSo, over here we have the Muslims. Very nice people, celebrating that they're allowed to drink up here.

β€žNext we have the Jews. Also really friendly, having discussion groups with God himself from time to time.

β€žThere are the Buddhists, really relaxed people, just enjoying themselves.

The tour goes on for quite a while like this.

Finally they arrive at a locked door.

β€žYou must be really quiet around here , St. Peter whispers.

β€žWhy, who's in there? , the man asks.

β€žThe Catholics, they think they are alone up here.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Traffic Lights..

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
Slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the side of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, " Allahu Akbar!, Allahu Akbar!, " and
took off before the lights changed.

Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler came speeding through
the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car stunned, thinking to myself,
"man...that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

In line at Heaven's Gate.

A Lutheran, Muslim, and a Jew die in a car wreck together and end up in line at the Gate to Heaven together.

The Lutheran walks up and Saint Peter asks his religion and then checks his books and says, "Lutherans: room 11, but be very quiet going past room 4."

The Muslim walks up and Saint Peter tells him, "Muslims: room 8, but be very quiet when you pass room 4."

The Jew steps up and is told to go to room 6 and to be quiet passing room 4. Curious, he asked Saint Peter why everyone has to be quiet passing room 4?

Saint Peter says, "Room 4 is Catholics, they think they are the only ones here."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Donald Trump has cancelled a planned trip to Israel.

When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the most funny Muslims jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Muslims? Well, here are the best Muslims dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Muslims pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes