...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there - I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?
We'd have to say CMXI instead.
'Cause they hate the French press
1272AD - Arab Muslims invent the first condoms using the lower intestine of goats.
1856AD - English farmers improve on the idea by first removing the intestine from the goat.
... But the Muslims are the "Randomly Selected".
Elon's Mosque
It would have been IX/XI.
the Indian looks up and with a single tear and says "My people were once many, but now we're few." The Muslim chuckles and says " My people were once few, but now we're many." The cowboy looks up and says "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet."
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Ramadan. They fast during Ramadan.
They add halalapeño.
Dad: Cause it's the future son
If they aren't Sunni side up, they're probably Shiite.
One of the guests asks: Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin? – We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist... The guest looks a bit confused: Why a dentist? - Putin claps Trump on the back and says, What did I tell you, Donald? No one will ask about the Muslims.
Because it's the future
**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**
Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half naked women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.
Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down
Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet
I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.
You know, just like Republicans.
As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable condom. It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.
I wanted to step in, but I was afraid it would blow up in my face.
Muslim's were the ones that invented the condom. This was well before plastics so they used goat intestines. Then the British came along and stole the idea from the Muslims and improved it by removing the intestines from the goat.
An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.
ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.
Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."
"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
Islam ok though?
They're always going on and on about some Great Profit.
„So, over here we have the Muslims. Very nice people, celebrating that they're allowed to drink up here.
„Next we have the Jews. Also really friendly, having discussion groups with God himself from time to time.
„There are the Buddhists, really relaxed people, just enjoying themselves.
The tour goes on for quite a while like this.
Finally they arrive at a locked door.
„You must be really quiet around here , St. Peter whispers.
„Why, who's in there? , the man asks.
„The Catholics, they think they are alone up here.
I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
Slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the side of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, " Allahu Akbar!, Allahu Akbar!, " and
took off before the lights changed.
Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler came speeding through
the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car stunned, thinking to myself,
"man...that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.
A Lutheran, Muslim, and a Jew die in a car wreck together and end up in line at the Gate to Heaven together.
The Lutheran walks up and Saint Peter asks his religion and then checks his books and says, "Lutherans: room 11, but be very quiet going past room 4."
The Muslim walks up and Saint Peter tells him, "Muslims: room 8, but be very quiet when you pass room 4."
The Jew steps up and is told to go to room 6 and to be quiet passing room 4. Curious, he asked Saint Peter why everyone has to be quiet passing room 4?
Saint Peter says, "Room 4 is Catholics, they think they are the only ones here."
When asked why, Trump said, "They already have a wall and fear of Muslims. My work there is done."
Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
Iraq, Kuwait, UAE, Saudi Arabia and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
Latin American countries are sending clothing.
New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.
... I'm not sure extreme vetting for Muslims is such a good idea.
Everyone looks around the table and, after a long silence, Mike Pence says. Mr. President, why do you want to deport a kitten? Trump smiles and turns to the rest of the table. You see, no one cares about the Muslims.
-A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the Middle East.
-Two million Muslims die and over a million are injured.
-Iraq, Iran and Syria are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
-The rest of the world is in shock.
-Britain is sending troops to help keep the peace.
-Saudi Arabia is sending oil & monetary assistance.
-Latin American countries are sending clothing.
-New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep, cattle and food crops.
-The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
-Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
-President Trump, not to be outdone, is sending back two million replacement Muslims.
A mecca
Their car broke down and they were wandering for hours. It's midday and the sun was scorching hot. They're lost, hungry and their throat were parched. In the distance they saw a huge mosque.
Man 1: Let's pretend to be Muslims and they'll give us food and water.
Man 2: You go ahead and do that. I'm not gonna lie.
They reached the mosque and met the imam. The imam greeted them and asked what were their names.
Man 1: My name is Abdullah.
Man 2: My name is Thomas.
The Imam turned to his assistant as told him, "Give Brother Thomas some food and water. Brother Abdullah will break his fast with us at 7.28pm."
My friend told me this 'joke' after he found out I was Muslim.
Him: Why do Muslims hate Hitler?
Me: Why?
Him: He didn't kill ALL the Jews.
St. Peter (or whoever the afterlife tour guide is) took him to the first door and opened it. The room was full of Muslims welcoming the man to come in and join them.
Passing they moved on to the next door to find a room full of Jewish people celebrating the afterlife.
Next a room of Buddhists - all calling for the man to come in and join the splendor of the afterlife.
The next room, however, is passed by as St Peter whispers, "shhhh just skip that one. It's the Christians, they think they're the only ones here."
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what i have seen in America." The General said, "well anything i can do to help"
The Iranian whispered, "my son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is Kirk who is American, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is japanese, but there are no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek.
The General laughed, leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future...."
Isis just invaded Narnia.
"Aloha Akbar!"
The Muslims first invented the condom in the year 654 using a goat intestine. Christians expanded on this idea in 1364 by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Thanks Reverse-Flash
It's not so much that they love espresso. They just really hate the French press.
Some are Al-Qaaeda or Taliban.
If you lived in the Middle East, you would too.
Allah them
Turban Outfitters.
All of them died out one year when Ramadan was in December
...the other 9/11, towards Muslims.
Clothes get hanged when they come INTO the closet.
Two English Muslims go on a long holiday in Spain, and they're having a wonderful time until one day the weather turns and it rains for three days straight. On the fourth day, one of them looks out of the window in the morning.
"Ahmed, I think we can visit some of the local buildings today. We should bring an umbrella though."
"Ah, but Hissam, how is the weather looking on the forecast? Is it Sunni, or is it Shi'ite?"
Because they need to give the goat a break.
Allahu Snackbar
Sunni side up. I know this is a Shiite joke.
We'll NEVER get rid of all the immigrants and Muslims.
My wife just got kidnapped by a group of muslim cannibals.
I'm not worried though, I heard muslims don't eat pigs.
Because they refuse to Submit to anyone but Allah.
They both get stoned after smoking weed.
It's 2021 and I went to the supermarket to buy some oranges but couldn't find any. I went to another one but there were no oranges again...
I asked the store manager what's the matter
He said "Trump banned all the Muslims for what some of them did so the new president banned all the oranges for what one of them did".
Donald says to Ted
"What we need to do is kill 140 million Muslims & one smoking hot blonde woman."
Overhearing this the bartender asks why they need to kill a hot blonde woman.
Donald says to Ted, "See I told you no one would care about the Muslims"
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East. Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.
Iraq and Iran are totally ruined and the governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. The USA is sending troops to help. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Latin American countries are sending Supplies. New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The Asian continents are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the Infrastructure. Canada is sending medical teams And supplies.
GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, Is sending two million replacement Muslims.
Quranic
We have collected gags and puns about Muslims to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Muslims? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Muslims pick up lines to share with friends.