Muslim Jokes

Following is our collection of mosque puns and extremist one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Muslim jokes for adults, dirty shiite jokes and clean allahuak dad gags for kids.

The Best Muslim Puns

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Β 
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?
Β 
The clerk said, Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!
Β 
The man said, Yes, that's the one.Β  Do you have it in paperback?

What is the difference between a hippie girl and a muslim girl?

The hippie girl gets stoned before sex.

A Black Guy, a Mexican, and a Muslim holding a Gay Chicken Walk Into a Bar

Bartender says, "We don't do jokes in here."

The chicken says, "Come on guys I know a place across the street."

Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me.


A Muslim walks into the U.S

Just kidding

A feminist and a Muslim walk into a bar.

- comedy removed due to complaints -

What is the difference between American teenage girls amd Muslim teenage girls? (Offensive)

American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

A Muslim guy killed 50 people in a mass shooting…

Who says they can't integrate into American culture?

When I found out my wife was having an affair, I was heartbroken. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"


How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

So I walked into a sex shop the other day...

Me: I'm looking for a blow up doll

Manager: Great, we have plenty! What gender?

Me: I'd like a female.

Manager: Awesome, and would you like the doll to be Christian, Protestant, or Muslim?

Me: (confused) Why does the religion matter? What's the difference?

Manager: Well, there really is none between the Christian and Protestant. However, the Muslim will blow itself up.

Where are Muslims going to pray when they go to Mars?

Elon's Mosque

If it wasn't for Muslims, we wouldn't have had 9/11...

It would have been IX/XI.

Dear Muslim refugees: just pretend to be Christian.

That's what most Christians do anyways.

Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?

A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim are sitting in a bar..

the Indian looks up and with a single tear and says "My people were once many, but now we're few." The Muslim chuckles and says " My people were once few, but now we're many." The cowboy looks up and says "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet."

A muslim walks into a gay bar

The bartender ask what he'll be having. The Muslim replies, shots for everybodyο»Ώ.


Where do Muslim people go when they die?

Everywhere

If a Muslim beats his wife,

would it be domestic violence or child abuse?

What's the difference between Muslim and a terrorist?

I don't know, I just sign executive orders.

I'll be here all week.

A muslim man came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I phoned the police..

He's probably part of an extreme mist group

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the local primary school."

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins

A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim find a pile of coins.

They start arguing what they should take and what they should give to God.

The Christian draws a circle and says, We throw the coins into he air, and whatever lands in the circle, we keep.

The Muslim says, No no no. Whatever lands outside the circle we keep.

The Jew says, How about we throw it in the air, and whatever God wants, he keeps, and whatever falls to the ground we keep.

During Ramadan, Sonic the Hedgehog is a Muslim

Because he's gotta go fast.

I have a Muslim friend with a Note 7...

It only gets awkward when he shouts "Allahu Akbar" when plugging it in.

You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins

Just be a catholic priest

A black man, a Muslim, and a Communist walk into a bar...

The bartender says, "Hello, Mr. President!"

Courtesy of my Fox News-watching mom...

What do you call a skinny Muslim

A muSLIM.

Ban?????

"How did things go organizing a muslim travelling band?"

"Band? Sir, i'm sorry we thought you said ban."

"Ban! That's a bit harsh isn't it? Nevermind, how are things progressing with our new Mexican mall?"

Trump: "Let's get that Muslim band going"

"Band? We thought you said ban"

Trump: "No way, that's harsh. Also, how's the Mexican mall going?"

What do you call a Muslim optometrist who has no regards for his patients?

Asif Eyecare

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

You have the right to remain silent he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

Why, you see, I'm just happy to finally have a right!

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight...

An Irishman and a Muslim are sat next to each other on a flight.

The stewardess comes up and asks the Irish man if he'd like a drink. He orders a whiskey and the stewardess hands it to him.

The stewardess then asks the Muslim if he'd like a drink. "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores!" he shouts back.

The Irishman calmly hands his whiskey back to the stewardess and says "I'll have what he's having".

Muslim scientists..

Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.

They're calling it 'Islam'.

I once knew a Muslim kid that was notoriously late for everything.

I called him 9/12

Where does a Muslim learn to swim?

Inshallah water.

When life starts

A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.

I'm not worried about Muslim suicide bombers

They can only do it once. Those Hindu suicide bombers are the real threat.

Bought a Muslim sex doll today

It blows itself up.

How do Muslims like to make their pizzas spicy?

They add halalapeΓ±o.

Once i did the "is your dad a terrorist?, because you are a bomb.." line to a muslim girl.

Totally blew up in my face

Muslims are a lot like breakfast eggs.

If they aren't Sunni side up, they're probably Shiite.

A Muslim enters a building

Along with 500 passengers and an airplane.

Where does a Muslim go to get drunk?

The Allahuak Bar

How did the Muslim find the goat in the field?

Very Satisfying.

Why aren't there any Muslims in Star Trek?

Because it's the future

A Muslim man sees the face of Muhammad in a tub of margarine one day

His neighbor from Nepal looks over and says "I can't believe it's not Buddha"

The muslim

**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**

Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half naked women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.

Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down

Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet

What do you call a Muslim bar?

The Allahuak Bar

A Muslim walks into abar

"Excuse me", said Abar

Whats the difference between a muslim and a catholic priest?

The muslim has to die before he gets his virgins.

A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."

What Did the Muslim Terrorist Say?

Who you gota blow to get some virgins around here?

Two atheists were lost in a desert.

Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.

One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"

The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."

The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."

The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"

What do you get when you square root a Muslim?

Radical Islam.

Marvel Comics have announced a new female, Muslim superhero who can fly.

Which is handy, cause she's not allowed to drive.

A Muslim walks into a bar with a bomb...

He asks the barkeep "why does this bar have a bomb?"

The barkeep replies "don't worry, it's just for decoration. This bar, Paradise, is a wartime-themed bar"

"Well I'll be!" exclaims the Muslim. He takes a seat and orders a virgin Mary, as his religion forbids him from imbibing alcohol, but encourages the enjoyment of virgins in Paradise.

An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim

I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.

How do Muslim women get wrinkles off their faces?

Fabric softener.

What do you call an angry Muslim in Ramadan?

Fastin' Furious

He's making a list, he's checking it twice.

He's gonna find out who's Muslim or nice.
Donald Trump is coming to town ! 🎢

I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD.

The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.

A Guy Walks Into A Sex Shop....

He asks for a blow up doll.

And the owner asks male or female?

He says male please.

The owner then asks white or black?

He says white please.

The owner finally asks American or Muslim?

The guy asks what's the difference??

The owner replies, the Muslim blows itself up.

I had a Muslim kid in my high school and he was notorious for being late

So we called him 9/12

Actual exchange between my wife and I(myself being muslim)

Wife: Tell me a joke.

Me: Ok, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

wife: what?

me: nothing, you've already told her twice.

**mutual chuckling**

wife: aww, why'd you have to make a muslim joke?

me: I didn't make a muslim joke. I made a wife beater joke, you just made a muslim joke.

Blow-up dolls

I went to my local sex shop last night to get a new blow-up doll. As I was looking at them the clerk came up to me and asked if I needed help?Β 


I said yes and he asked if I wanted a male or female?Β 


I said a female and he asked blonde or brunette?Β 


I said blonde. Then he asked Muslim or Christian?


I asked what's the difference?Β 


He said the Muslim blows itself up.

Ramadan

Putting the slim in Muslim.

What's the difference between an American and a Muslim teenage girl?

The American teenage girl gets stoned before sex.

If muslims want to get into the US, they can just pretend they're Christians.

You know, just like Republicans.

Muslim artists threw some paint bombs at a local building...

They blue it up.

Some Muslims were having an argument on my street the other day...

I wanted to step in, but I was afraid it would blow up in my face.

What do you call a Muslim Flying an airplane

A pilot

Muslims were the ones that invented the condom.

Muslim's were the ones that invented the condom. This was well before plastics so they used goat intestines. Then the British came along and stole the idea from the Muslims and improved it by removing the intestines from the goat.

Muslim Romance

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?", she asked.

"Yes," he replied, but to be fair, you were only nine at the time!

The pope walks into a Mosque

A Muslim looks up and asks

"Why the wrong faith?"

A Muslim boy once asked his father: "why is it that Jews can't work on Saturday, Christians can't work on Sunday, but Muslims work on their holy day Friday?"

The dad looked down at his son and said, "God didn't need to force us to take a break because in His infinite wisdom He knew we'd never work that much to begin with."

(I'm Muslim).

A Christian, a Jew and a Muslim walk into a bar....

If they weren't arguing they would have seen it coming.

What did the drunker muslim say to the drunk muslim?

I'm Mohammad than you

What do you call a drunk Muslim?

Muhammered.

How to take a hurricane seriously

If the US wants to take hurricanes seriously they need to give them Muslim names. We got Irma and people don't care. But when the weatherman starts saying Abdullah is coming at Florida as a category 5, the whole country would evacuate.

When I found out my wife was cheating on me, I was devastated. I turned to religion to cope.

Now I'm Muslim and we're stoning her tomorrow.

I saw a radical Muslim today...

He had just landed a kick-flip into a 50-50 grind.

Isis and the Christian man

An ISIS member stopped the car of a Christian couple.
ISIS member: Are you Muslim?
Christian man: Yes, I'm Muslim.

ISIS member: If you are a Muslim, then recite a verse of Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from the Bible.
ISIS member: Ok yallah go.

Later his wife tells him: "I cannot believe the risk you just took.
Why did u tell him that we are Muslims?
If he knew you were lying he would have killed both of us."

"Do not worry! If they knew the Quran they would not kill people" answered the Husband.

What do you call a drunk muslim?

Hammad.

What do you call a VERY drunk Muslim?

Mohammad.

Mattel released a Muslim Barbie...

It's a blow-up doll.

A devout Muslim entered a cab in London

He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio, because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music, because in the time of the prophet there was no music especially western music, which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab, and opened the door. The Arab asked him, "What are you doing?" The cabbie answered,

"In the time of the prophet, there were no taxis, so get off and wait for a camel!"

There is an abundance of halal jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 88 funniest jokes and muslim puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any normal or muslim witze you can hear about muslim.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

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