muslim Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious muslim stories

What are the best Muslim puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Muslim? Well here is a complete list of Muslim dad jokes:

Liberals are acting like Trump is going to kill all the gays, make slavery legal again, and take away women's rights....

Like he's a Muslim or something.

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Irish and Muslim on a plane

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

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Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US....

The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year.

They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."

The second father says, "fuck you, raghead".

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How would a Muslim describe Castro's gay, atheist lover?

In Fidel.

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What the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? (offensive be warned)

American teenage girls get stoned BEFORE they have sex.

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A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim are sitting in a bar..

the Indian looks up and with a single tear and says "My people were once many, but now we're few." The Muslim chuckles and says " My people were once few, but now we're many." The cowboy looks up and says "Thats because we haven't played cowboys and Muslims yet."

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I was waiting at a stop light yesterday...

Up next to me pulled a small car. It was full of Muslim terrorist types shouting in a foreign language. The car had a half burnt American flag hanging on the side with "Remember 911" spray painted on the side. One of the men stuck his head out the window and shouted "Death to America!!!" They sped off right after before the light changed to green.

Out of nowhere an 18 wheeler slammed into the side of the car, crushing it and killing them all instantly.

I sat for a minute in shock. I thought to myself, that could have been me.

So this morning I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

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A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her

You have the right to remain silent he says.

She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.

Why, you see, I'm just happy to finally have a right!

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Muslim scientists..

Muslim scientists have invented a time-travel device that can transport an entire country back to the dark ages.

They're calling it 'Islam'.

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What do you call a muslim on an airplane?

A passenger you racist fuck.

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When life starts

A Priest, a Muslim and a Rabbi are having a discussion. They are trying to determine the exact point when life starts. The Muslim argues that life starts at conception. The Priest disagrees and says that life starts at birth. The Rabbi turns to the two men and says, you are both wrong. When the dog dies and the kids move out, that is when life begins.

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I'm not worried about Muslim suicide bombers

They can only do it once. Those Hindu suicide bombers are the real threat.

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Two Muslim beggars

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars in Great Britain. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brings in Β£ 2 or Β£ 3 a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of Β£10 notes everyday. Ahmed says, Look at your sign.

It says, I have no work, a wife and seven kids to support. Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign. So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads: I need only another Β£10 to move to Pakistan.

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Undefined illness

Who said that health care in Canada was not up to par???

A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and then says:

"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.

Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

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The muslim

**If a muslim sees a woman he has to look down, but he's allowed one look. ( too see if there are any women in the room)**

Three muslims walk in to an airport full of half naked women. Two of them immidiately look down , but one of them keeps staring at the women.

Yusuf: Khaled, what are you doing, look down

Khaled: Shut up, I didn't blink yet

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A young muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

and starts crying. So one of the employees goes over to help: "Its ok, we'll find your mum for you. So, what does she look like?"
The kid replies "I dont know."

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A little Muslim kid gets lost in a supermarket..

A little Muslim kid, crying, can't find his mother in a supermarket.

The store attendant asks, "What does your mother look like?"

The kid says.. "I have no fucking idea."

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A Muslim walks into a bar with a bomb...

He asks the barkeep "why does this bar have a bomb?"

The barkeep replies "don't worry, it's just for decoration. This bar, Paradise, is a wartime-themed bar"

"Well I'll be!" exclaims the Muslim. He takes a seat and orders a virgin Mary, as his religion forbids him from imbibing alcohol, but encourages the enjoyment of virgins in Paradise.

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I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD.

The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.

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Who's the most 'merican...

Shortly after 9/11, Achmed and Abdul were terrified with what Muslim men had done to their adopted country.


The shaved their beards, changed into western clothes, and made a pact to meet in a years time, and see who had the most "american life".


So a year goes by, and the two men meet at a bar, and they began to discuss the events of the past year.


"I married a white woman, bought a Ram pick up truck, joined a softball team, and converted to Christianity... do you think you can be more American than that?" Abdul challenged.


"Fuck you, towel head!" Achmed responded.

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Actual exchange between my wife and I(myself being muslim)

Wife: Tell me a joke.

Me: Ok, what do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

wife: what?

me: nothing, you've already told her twice.

**mutual chuckling**

wife: aww, why'd you have to make a muslim joke?

me: I didn't make a muslim joke. I made a wife beater joke, you just made a muslim joke.

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Intrepid Engineer

A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine.

The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud "boing."
"Praise the Lord," the Christian exults, "who in his divine grace has saved me!" The executioner, impressed, tells him he is free to leave.

Next up, the Muslim puts his head in the machine and the executioner pulls the lever. Again, the blade stops abruptly halfway down. "There is no god but Allah," the Muslim cries, "who in his infinite mercy has saved me!" The executioner sets him free, too.

Meanwhile, the engineer has been peering attentively up at the guillotine. "I think I see your problem," he says.

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Muslim Romance

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?", she asked.

"Yes," he replied, but to be fair, you were only nine at the time!

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The pope walks into a Mosque

A Muslim looks up and asks

"Why the wrong faith?"

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What do you call a drunk muslim?

Hammad.

What do you call a VERY drunk Muslim?

Mohammad.

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What do you call a drunk Muslim?

Muhammered

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A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

A guy goes in an Adult Store in Western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

The guy behind the counter says, Male or female ?

The customer says, Female.

The counter guy asks, Black or white?

The customer says, White.

The counter guy asks, Christian or Muslim?

The customer says, What does religion have to do with it?

The counter guy says, The Muslim one blows itself up.

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Soon after becoming a Muslim, Sonic the Hedgehog realised that the month of Ramadan had already begun...

"Gotta go fast!"

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What's the difference between a Jew and a Muslim?

Who cares! More bacon for me.

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Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says: *'Male or female?'*

Customer says: *'Female.'*

Counter guy asks: *'Black or white?*

Customer says: *'White.'*

Counter guy asks: *'Christian or Muslim?'*

Customer says: *'What the hell does religion have to do with it?*

Counter guy says: *'The Muslim one blows itself up.'*

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Where do Muslim hipsters shop for clothes?

Turban Outfitters!

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Why do so many Muslim students take Intro to Engineering?

They heard it was a great place to find 72 virgins.

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I've been dating a muslim girl. She gave me a handjob yesterday but it was a bit rough so I've nicknamed her...

...the terror wrist.

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Why do Muslims hate Hitler?

My friend told me this 'joke' after he found out I was Muslim.
Him: Why do Muslims hate Hitler?
Me: Why?
Him: He didn't kill ALL the Jews.

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God gathered a Jew, a Christian and a Muslim...

... and told them:
-I am tired of mankind's sins! In two weeks I'll unleash a great flood that will kill all humanity!
The Christian said:
-We have only two weeks to appease Him!
The Muslim said:
-We have only two weeks to change our ways!
The Jew said:
-We have only two weeks to learn how to breathe underwater!

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An Englishman an Irishman & a Scotsman...

An Englishman an Irishman & a Scotsman get into a cab. The driver turns around and says "Sorry gents I'm Muslim, I can't take a joke."

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I just got back from my muslim friends Birthday party...

The musical chairs was a bit slow but fuck me I've never seen anyone play pass the parcel so quick.

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Why do Muslims love esprssso?

It's not so much that they love espresso. They just really hate the French press.

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Just been to my first Muslim birthday party.

The musical chairs was a bit slow, but fuck me the pass the parcel was quick!

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Why are camels called ships of the desert?

Because they're full of Muslim seamen.

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What's the difference between a muslim sex-doll & a christian sex-doll?

The muslim sex-doll blows ITSELF up.

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Did you know the weather is just like a Muslim?

It's either Sunni or it's Shiite.

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Inoffensive Muslim joke

What do the weather in England and a Muslim have in common?



It's either Sunni or shiite

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My new

Muslim Girlfriend keeps talking about a blow-job.

I don't know whether to get my cock out or to warn London transport..........

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This is heaven

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the pearly Gates. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohammed?', he asks. 'No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.' And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohammed? 'No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy, he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohammed?' 'No, I am Jesus...You will find Mohammed higher up.'

Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher once again, he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:

'Are you Mohammed?' he gasps, as he is by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing. 'No, my son. I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?'

'Yes, please, my Lord'

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out: ' Hey, Mohammed, two coffees!'

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What's a Muslims favourite place to eat?

Allahu Snackbar

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What do you call a rich muslim god?

Ballah

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What do you call a muslim flying a plane?

A pilot.

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What do you call a muslim crocodile?

An Allahgator!

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Why don't Muslims fill out online forms?

Because they refuse to Submit to anyone but Allah.

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best muslim jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about muslim. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty muslim gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these muslim jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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