Musician Jokes

What are some Musician jokes?

If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

What's the difference between a rock musician and a jazz musician?

A rock musician plays 3 chords for 20,000 people, and a jazz musician plays 20,000 chords for 3 people

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."

She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

An old man is about to die.

While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.

One week later the old man dies.

At his funeral the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.

Never let anyone tell you what you can and can't do.

Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf ... but he didn't listen.

Why the musician sold his computer...

Not enough gigs.

What's the easiest way to pay a musician?

Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza

What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?

To the airport please

How do you get a musician off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.

My friend is so rich

He thought Manual labor was a Spanish musician

Being an aspiring musician is like getting a contract with Verizon.

10 gigs for $80 a month

Why did the musician give his daughters the same name?

So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"

Musicians are perverts.

The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.

Why was the musician arrested?

He fingered A Minor.

What's the quickest way to get a musician off your front porch?

Tip him for the pizza.

What's the difference between a Blues musician and a Jazz musician?

A blues musician plays 3 chords to audiences of thousands.

A jazz musician plays thousands of chords to audiences of 3

Two people are walking down the street......

One is a musician. The other doesnt have any money either.

What do you call a musician who's been dumped by his girlfriend?

Homeless!

Great joke to make fun of any profession that is hard to get a job in

I'll be using a musician, since I'm a frustrated musician.

There once was a musician looking for a job, he was starting to get desperate since it had been so long since he made any money. One day he gets excited finding out that there's an opening for a musician in the Circus so he goes to the interview.

Arriving at the Circus, the Circus owner explains to him that unfortunately the musician job opportunity had already been taken, but if he really needed a job he had one for him...the musician is disappointed but so desperate he says he will be up to anything.

The circus owner shows him what he has to do, he has to dress up as a deer and cross the high rope over a cage full of hungry lions... hesitant, but desperate the musician accepts.

On his first night in the job, the musician gets ready for his performance, dresses up as a deer and starts crossing the high rope, when he is halfway through he falls, right into the middle of the lions and all the lions immediately surround him.

The lions start running towards him, getting closer and closer until the closest one is right in front of his face...

The lion takes off his mask and says "don't worry! just play along! we're all musicians!"

What do you call a dead musician?

A decomposer.

As a musician, I hate the key of E minor.

It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.

Did you hear about the musician who played through the silent part of a song?

He was charged with resisting a rest

Someone told me I couldn't be a musician because I'm deaf.

But I didn't listen to them.

What Happens When You Cross A Programmer And A Musician?

An Algo-rhythm.

How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

100 - 1 to actually do it, and 99 to say how they would do it better.

What did Arnold Schwarzenegger say when he was invited to a classical musician theme Halloween party?

I'll be Bach.

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of 4.

A musician died while smoking weed from a dollar bill...

At least he went out on a high note

Some musician jokes

Q. Why don't violinists play hide and seek?

A. No one would look for them.

Q. How can you tell if a stage is level?

A. Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch?

A. Tossing an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the sides.


Q. How do you get two guitarists to play in unison?

A. Shoot one.

Q. How can you tell if a cello is out of tune?

A. The bow is moving.

Q. Why are musician jokes so short?

A. So the bassist can understand them.

Q. If a conductor and a watermelon are both dropped from a 24 story building, what hits the ground first?

A. Who cares?

Q. How can you keep your violin from being stolen?

A. Keep it in the violin case.

Musicians really need to do something about that E minor

It always gives me the E B G Bs

What do you call it when one musician abuses another?

An act of violins.

My dad always told me...

Always B sharp and B natural, but never B flat.

Safe to say, I'm a terrible musician. Thanks a lot, dad.

My favorite musician pun

||: lather, rinse :||

A frog walks into a bank...

...and proceeds to ask the Asian teller, Ms. Patricia Wok, for a $5,000 loan. Absolutely gobsmacked at a talking frog she mechanically goes through the procedure, asking him if he has any references. As a matter of fact, he replies, my dad's Mick Jagger, he's a musician. Okay, she says hesitantly. I mean if a talking frog, what's not allowed? Do you have any collateral, she continues. Yeah, he says, this ruby, while pulling a crimson rock from his overalls. Composing herself she decides to ask the bank manager for assistance. Quickly bringing him up to speed, she says, can we continue with the transaction and is the ruby even real? At which point the bank manager examines the gemstone, sizes up the situation and says, it's just a nicknack Patty Wok but give the frog a loan, his old man is a rolling stone.

Why did the musician get fired

Because he couldn't fix a minor problem that ended with major consequences and got himself in treble.

A frog needs a loan...

...so he goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks 'Okay, well what's your name?' The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, son of the musician Mick Jagger.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who wants a loan and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' The bank manager looks back at her and says 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!'

What was the musician doing when he was struck by lightning?

He was conducting.

What Do They Tell Musicians About Crossing the Road?

C sharp or you'll B flat.

Why did the police arrest the musician who homemade his instruments?

Domestic violins!

Why did the musician get sent to jail?

For fingering A minor.

This guy walks into a bar

Asks the bartender for a drink then pulls out a small piano and a man about a foot tall. The little man sits at the piano and begins playing a beautiful Beethoven sonata.

Amazed, the bartender asks to find out the story behind this mini musician.

The man tells the bartender that he was on vacation in Costa Rica and after a long night of partying he decided to talk a walk on the beach. While walking, the man trips over something in the sand. He pulls it out and dusts it off. Immediately after dusting, a genie pops out and says you may have 1 wish, anything you'd like.

Before the man could continue, the bartender interrups and says "so you wished for a 12 inch pianist?"

Three guys go to Heaven.

At the pearly gates, St Peter asks the first one:

"What did you do on Earth, son?"

I was a lawyer for public interest, i helped people keep their jobs"

"Come in, son!"

"And you?" to the second guy.

"I was a doctor, i helped people be healthy"

"Please come in, son"

Third guy answers: "I was a musician"

St Peter: "Oh, there's a door in the back"

What do you call an unemployed classical musician?

Baroque

Old musicians don't die.

They just decompose.

People told Beethoven he cannot be a musician because he was deaf

But he didn't listen

How do you determine who the best musician is?

You compare their scores.

A woman stood in court accused of attacking her musician husband with his own guitars.

The judge looked down from his elevated position and asked "First Offender?"

The accused replied "No your honour, first a Gibson then a Fender".

What's the difference between a musician and a dead body?

One composes, the other decomposes...

I can't keep a steady job!

I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn't hack it. They gave me the ax.
I worked as a tailor but I wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I worked in a muffler factory but it was too exhausting.
I attempted to be a deli worker but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
I worked as a musician but I found out I wasn't note worthy.
I worked as a doctor but I didn't have any patience.
I became a professional fisherman but I found out I couldn't live on my net income.
I worked as a pool maintenance worker but it was too draining.
I worked at the zoo, feeding giraffes, but I wasn't up to it.
I worked as a historian but found out that there's no future in that.
I worked at Starbucks but I quit because it was always the same old grind.

A boy said to his father one day,

"Dad, when I grow up I want to be a musician."
His father responded, "I'm sorry, son, you can't have it both ways."

Who was the chicken's favorite musician?

Bach.

Never let a disability get in the way of your dreams.

Just look at Beethoven. Everyone said he couldn't be a musician because he was deaf. But did he listen?

I ran into a 19 year old hipster who's favorite musician was Jimi Hendrix...

It was so strange to see a hipster who liked older music, so I had to ask, What about his music did you like so much?

I just love underground artists he replied.

What do you call a musician with problems

A trebled man

A rock musician, a classical musician and a jazz musician are sitting together, drinking...

Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford a new mansion this month."
They curiously look at the jazz musician, who says,
- "Oh! Well... I... recently bought a new sweatshirt..."
- "And the rest of the money?"
- "My mum gave me the rest."

Did you hear about the pedophile musician?

He only liked it in A-minor.

a Doctor arrives at the pearly gates....

St. Peter asks him who he is, he replies I'm a surgeon, I help the crippled to walk and the blind to see Come on in, St Peter says. Next a teacher shows up, St Peter asks who he is, I'm a Teacher, I help educate the ignorant and prepared them for successful careers . St Peter says "come on in". A musician comes along St Peter asks who he is, and he says I was a Musician, I make depressed people happy and I give lonely people a reason to go out and celebrate life . St Peter says That's great, you can load your gear in through the kitchen

Arnold Schwarzenegger is asked in an interview...

If you could be reincarnated as any famous musician in history, Who would it be.

He replies "I'll be Bach."

I brought a classical musician back from the past to prove that my time-machine works, but I can't find him.

He must be Haydn.

How does it feel to be a famous rock-and-roll musician?

Fan-fucking-tastic!

When I told my parents I wanted to be a blues musician

they I decided it was time to have "the sax talk"

What would Ed Sheehan be if he wasn't a famous musician?

A virgin

Two Musicians

Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"


The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

If the musicians, Ice T and Lemonade formed a band, what would it be called?

Arnold Palmer

A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin

Now he is quite Baroque.

What did the Terminator say when he decided to become a musician?

"I'll be Bach".

Did you hear about the classical musician who couldn't find work?

He was Baroque.

What do you call an emperor who's also a musician?

A rock-czar

What has R. Kelly done more successfully than any other musician?

Using A minor

Which two musicians are famous for saying, "What?"

Lil' Jon and Beethoven.

A musician, a lumberjack, and a mathematician were in a room together...

They made a log-rhythm.

My friend, who's a mathematician ..

Years ago, my friend, who's a mathematician, moved out to the woods to become a musician. I thought it was weird that chose that route but people do what they do, right?

Anyway, i saw him at the grocery store today and asked him what he had been up to.

"Oh you know, just bustin out logarithims."

Did you hear about the musician who was being bad?

Well, I don't quite remember what he did, but he was in pretty big treble!

What happens when a musician messes up during a song?

He has a tempo tantrum.

Don't ever allow someone to tell you what you can or cannot do

Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.

A tourist in New York wants to visit Carnegie Hall, so he's walking down the street trying to find it.

He sees a musician carrying a violin case going the opposite way. He stops him and asks: "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?"

Without missing a beat, the musician replies, "Practice, practice, practice."

I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be a musician

First thing is, that I don't have the talent and the second is, that I cannot C sharp due to my glasses

What did the stoner musician hit me on the head with?

A blunt instrument

Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked if you could be a musician, who would you be?

He replied I'd be Bach

There was an accordion player

He was going out for a drink after a show with his friend and was nervous about leaving his instrument in the car as he didn't want to get it stolen. His friend told him it was alright and nobody would try to steal an accordion. After a night of drinking they walk back to the car and notice a window is broken. The musician is mad at his friend for letting him leave the instrument until they get to the car and find two accordions.

A musician had nothing to do so he decided to go have a drink, but the door was locked.

The bar door barred the bored bard.

Why was the piano invented?

So that the musician would have a place to put their beer.

Musicians writing books

I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.

What do a musician and a large pizza have in common?

Neither one can feed a family of four.

A musician was late to his concert...

He drove over something sharp and got a flat tire.

Did you hear about the pedophile musician?

He was caught fingering A-minor.

How to make Musician jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Musician to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Musician? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Musician pick up lines to share with friends.

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