musician Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious musician stories

What are the best Musician puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Musician? Well here is a complete list of Musician to have fun with:

If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

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A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician."

She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."

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What's the easiest way to pay a musician?

Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza

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What does a rock artist say to a jazz musician?

To the airport please

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How do you get a musician off your porch?

Pay for the pizza.

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How do you get a musician off of your porch?

You pay for the pizza.

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Two people are walking down the street......

One is a musician. The other doesnt have any money either.

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Great joke to make fun of any profession that is hard to get a job in

I'll be using a musician, since I'm a frustrated musician.

There once was a musician looking for a job, he was starting to get desperate since it had been so long since he made any money. One day he gets excited finding out that there's an opening for a musician in the Circus so he goes to the interview.

Arriving at the Circus, the Circus owner explains to him that unfortunately the musician job opportunity had already been taken, but if he really needed a job he had one for him...the musician is disappointed but so desperate he says he will be up to anything.

The circus owner shows him what he has to do, he has to dress up as a deer and cross the high rope over a cage full of hungry lions... hesitant, but desperate the musician accepts.

On his first night in the job, the musician gets ready for his performance, dresses up as a deer and starts crossing the high rope, when he is halfway through he falls, right into the middle of the lions and all the lions immediately surround him.

The lions start running towards him, getting closer and closer until the closest one is right in front of his face...

The lion takes off his mask and says "don't worry! just play along! we're all musicians!"

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For The Musicians: What's the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On a bull, the horns are at the front, and the ass hole is at the back.

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What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

The pizza can feed a family of 4.

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Some musician jokes

Q. Why don't violinists play hide and seek?

A. No one would look for them.

Q. How can you tell if a stage is level?

A. Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch?

A. Tossing an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the sides.


Q. How do you get two guitarists to play in unison?

A. Shoot one.

Q. How can you tell if a cello is out of tune?

A. The bow is moving.

Q. Why are musician jokes so short?

A. So the bassist can understand them.

Q. If a conductor and a watermelon are both dropped from a 24 story building, what hits the ground first?

A. Who cares?

Q. How can you keep your violin from being stolen?

A. Keep it in the violin case.

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What do you call it when one musician abuses another?

An act of violins.

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My favorite musician pun

||: lather, rinse :||

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A frog needs a loan...

...so he goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks 'Okay, well what's your name?' The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, son of the musician Mick Jagger.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who wants a loan and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' The bank manager looks back at her and says 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!'

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Why did the police arrest the musician who homemade his instruments?

Domestic violins!

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Old musicians don't die.

They just decompose.

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Three guys go to Heaven.

At the pearly gates, St Peter asks the first one:

"What did you do on Earth, son?"

I was a lawyer for public interest, i helped people keep their jobs"

"Come in, son!"

"And you?" to the second guy.

"I was a doctor, i helped people be healthy"

"Please come in, son"

Third guy answers: "I was a musician"

St Peter: "Oh, there's a door in the back"

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I can't keep a steady job!

I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn't hack it. They gave me the ax.
I worked as a tailor but I wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I worked in a muffler factory but it was too exhausting.
I attempted to be a deli worker but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
I worked as a musician but I found out I wasn't note worthy.
I worked as a doctor but I didn't have any patience.
I became a professional fisherman but I found out I couldn't live on my net income.
I worked as a pool maintenance worker but it was too draining.
I worked at the zoo, feeding giraffes, but I wasn't up to it.
I worked as a historian but found out that there's no future in that.
I worked at Starbucks but I quit because it was always the same old grind.

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How does it feel to be a famous rock-and-roll musician?

Fan-fucking-tastic!

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I brought a classical musician back from the past to prove that my time-machine works, but I can't find him.

He must be Haydn.

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Musician Joke

Q. How many female jazz vocalists does it take to perform "Summertime"?

A. Fucking all of them, apparently . . .

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I'm pretty sure I shouldn't be a musician

First thing is, that I don't have the talent and the second is, that I cannot C sharp due to my glasses

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Did you hear about the pedophile musician?

He was caught fingering A-minor.

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Why was the piano invented?

So that the musician would have a place to put their beer.

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Musician Jokes

Q: how do you get a guitarist off your porch?
A: pay for the pizza
Q: how many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 6. One to change it and 5 to sing about how good the old one was.
Q:what did the drummer get on his I.Q test?
A: saliva.

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Who was the most hated classical musician?

Nickelbach.

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The jazz musician appreciated his wife allowing him to have extra practice time with his band...

...It was ragtime.

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What did the DJ say to the jazz musician?

Take me to the airport.

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Which musician is the most generous?

Cher

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Chuck, Jean Claude and Arnold.

Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?".

Chuck Norris said, "I would be Motzart." Jean Claud VanDam said, "I would be Bethoven." Arnold said, "I'll be Bach!"

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Some musicians think suqeeze-boxes are the best instruments ever...

But that's just accordion to them

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He has the grocery Liszt

What did the musician say to his wife when he went out to the supermarket?

I'm going Chopin, I'll be Bach in a minuet.

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When Bob Seger was an up-and-coming musician in Detroit...

He used to celebrate a successful gig by going out to eat at this popular fusion restaurant in town that did a blend of Moroccan and Thai food. All the Detroit elites dined there, and their menu had all kinds of exotic dishes from Thailand and Morocco. But Seger, being a working-class guy, loved their free bread rolls more than anything else.

After they closed, he was so distraught that he wrote a song about it, and started his path to stardom. That song? "I Like That Old Thai-Moroccan Roll."

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A party was held for current and former actors where you had to come as your favourite musician. When Arnold Schwarzenegger was asked what he was going to wear, his response was

I'll be Bach

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What did the musician say when he went back in time?

I'll be Bach.

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Why did the musician hated getting drunk ?

He always had treble finding his keys.

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Why did the musician hate getting drunk?

He always had treble finding his keys!

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Did you hear about the musician who couldn't even pay to be in tune?

He was only a few cents off.

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How do you find white Canadian reggae musician Snow in the snow?

You ask an informer

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How do you turn a duck into a musician?

Leave it in the microwave until its Bill Withers!

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A musician dies and goes to heaven

there he sees an old guy with long white hair and a beard swinging his arms and gesticulating like crazy.

"Who's that?" he asks.

"Oh, him" Saint Peter sighs "That's God. He's turned crazy. Megalomanical! He thinks he's Herbert von Karajan!"

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Four musicians and a drummer walk into a bar. (Drummer jokes!)

How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
*The knocking speeds up and he doesn't know where to come in.*

How do you get the drummer away from your door?
*Pay for the pizza.*

What do you call a drummer with half a brain?
*Gifted.*

Why did the bassist keep drumsticks on his dashboard?
*So he could park in the handicap spot.*

What's the difference between a drummer and a pizza?
*A pizza can feed a family of four.*

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
*Ten: one to change it, and nine to say how Neil Peart would have done it better*.

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What do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend?

Homeless

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Ask me these three questions and I'll answer...

A musician sits in a bar, talking to his friend. He says to the friend: "Ok man, you have to ask me thse three questions, and I will answer them:

1. What's your name
2. What instrument do you play
3. what is your weakness

Ok?" - Ok, the friend says. And he fires away:

"Question 1: What is your name?" "HANK!" the musician answers.
"Question 2: What instrument do you play?" "THE DRUMS!" the musician triumphantically shouts out loud.

"Allright, last question" What is your weakness?"

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So I need help finishing a Joke... It can be told many ways... but the punchline. I'd like some gold.

(all using hand gestures while telling the joke.)

So there is a mediocre musician in front of a decent audience performing his routine tricks.

He coughs up some ribbon and the ribbon keeps coming from his mouth.

He pulls a bird out of his sleeve and the bird drops like a stone then goes straight for the popcorn on the ground.

He pulls his thumb away from his hand like grandpa used to do.

BUT FINALLY, for his last trick! he takes his top hat off.. unzips his fly, sticks it over his pants and starts thrusting his hat.

___now this is where we insert the funniest place for a magicians penis to be____

one I came up with was that there was a guy in the third row confused at why his cheek kept moving..

another one was tiger woods was confused at why his ball kept popping out of the hole.

etc...
HELP!!

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A musician always closed his eyes when he sang. When asked, he replied,

"I can't bear to see people suffering."

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What's a Muslim's favourite musician?

Shari'ah Carey

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A pop star, a country singer and a jazz musician are sitting in a bar...

The pop star goes on about all the money he makes: "With last years royalties and record sales money, I bought myself a yacht and a Ferrari!"
The country singer won't let that pass and tells them: "With my last years record sales money, I got myself my very own 18-hole golf course!"
The Jazzer stays silent, and after a while the two others ask: "So, what did you buy with your earnings, man?" He hesitantly answers: "A new shirt and a pair of trousers."
"What," shouts the counrty singer, "what about the rest of the money?" - "Oh, yeah, about that ... my mum borrowed me the rest."

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A musician goes to the doctor

The doctor is doing some tests, and after reading the results, he approaches the musician sadly and says: "I'm afraid I have some bad news"

The musician asks: "whats wrong?"

"Well, we've analyzed your test results, and I'm afraid you only have 2 months to live"

The musician asks: "off of what?"

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I hope Kanye West's daughter grows up to become a musician and releases a self-titled debut album.

North by North West. Ba-dum ching.

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best musician jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty musician gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these musician jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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