**Algorithms.**
Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.
A rock musician plays 3 chords for 20,000 people, and a jazz musician plays 20,000 chords for 3 people
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
While he is laying in his bed waiting to die, he said to his sons ( a rich musician, a rich doctor and a lawyer ) : When i die i want you to put in my coffin 5K $ each for my after life.
One week later the old man dies.
At his funeral the musician came and put 5k $ in his dads coffin while he's crying.
The doctor did the same thing , he left 5k $ and left crying.
Finally, the lawyer took the 10k $ and left a check with 15k$ and said : thank you dad.
Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf ... but he didn't listen.
Not enough gigs.
Open the door, hand him the cash and take the pizza
To the airport please
Pay for the pizza.
He thought Manual labor was a Spanish musician
10 gigs for $80 a month
So he could yell "Anna 1, Anna 2!"
The drummer sits in the back beating it, the guitarist is constantly fingering minors, the bassist is slapping it around, and they all like the pianist.
He fingered A Minor.
Tip him for the pizza.
A blues musician plays 3 chords to audiences of thousands.
A jazz musician plays thousands of chords to audiences of 3
One is a musician. The other doesnt have any money either.
Homeless!
I'll be using a musician, since I'm a frustrated musician.
There once was a musician looking for a job, he was starting to get desperate since it had been so long since he made any money. One day he gets excited finding out that there's an opening for a musician in the Circus so he goes to the interview.
Arriving at the Circus, the Circus owner explains to him that unfortunately the musician job opportunity had already been taken, but if he really needed a job he had one for him...the musician is disappointed but so desperate he says he will be up to anything.
The circus owner shows him what he has to do, he has to dress up as a deer and cross the high rope over a cage full of hungry lions... hesitant, but desperate the musician accepts.
On his first night in the job, the musician gets ready for his performance, dresses up as a deer and starts crossing the high rope, when he is halfway through he falls, right into the middle of the lions and all the lions immediately surround him.
The lions start running towards him, getting closer and closer until the closest one is right in front of his face...
The lion takes off his mask and says "don't worry! just play along! we're all musicians!"
A decomposer.
It gives me the E-B-G-Bs.
He was charged with resisting a rest
But I didn't listen to them.
An Algo-rhythm.
100 - 1 to actually do it, and 99 to say how they would do it better.
I'll be Bach.
The pizza can feed a family of 4.
At least he went out on a high note
Q. Why don't violinists play hide and seek?
A. No one would look for them.
Q. How can you tell if a stage is level?
A. Drool is coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.
Q. What is the definition of perfect pitch?
A. Tossing an accordion into a dumpster without hitting the sides.
Q. How do you get two guitarists to play in unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. How can you tell if a cello is out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.
Q. Why are musician jokes so short?
A. So the bassist can understand them.
Q. If a conductor and a watermelon are both dropped from a 24 story building, what hits the ground first?
A. Who cares?
Q. How can you keep your violin from being stolen?
A. Keep it in the violin case.
It always gives me the E B G Bs
An act of violins.
Always B sharp and B natural, but never B flat.
Safe to say, I'm a terrible musician. Thanks a lot, dad.
||: lather, rinse :||
...and proceeds to ask the Asian teller, Ms. Patricia Wok, for a $5,000 loan. Absolutely gobsmacked at a talking frog she mechanically goes through the procedure, asking him if he has any references. As a matter of fact, he replies, my dad's Mick Jagger, he's a musician. Okay, she says hesitantly. I mean if a talking frog, what's not allowed? Do you have any collateral, she continues. Yeah, he says, this ruby, while pulling a crimson rock from his overalls. Composing herself she decides to ask the bank manager for assistance. Quickly bringing him up to speed, she says, can we continue with the transaction and is the ruby even real? At which point the bank manager examines the gemstone, sizes up the situation and says, it's just a nicknack Patty Wok but give the frog a loan, his old man is a rolling stone.
Because he couldn't fix a minor problem that ended with major consequences and got himself in treble.
...so he goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a loan to take a holiday.'
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks 'Okay, well what's your name?' The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, son of the musician Mick Jagger.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, 'Sure. I have this' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who wants a loan and he wants to use this as collateral.'
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' The bank manager looks back at her and says 'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone!'
He was conducting.
C sharp or you'll B flat.
Domestic violins!
For fingering A minor.
Asks the bartender for a drink then pulls out a small piano and a man about a foot tall. The little man sits at the piano and begins playing a beautiful Beethoven sonata.
Amazed, the bartender asks to find out the story behind this mini musician.
The man tells the bartender that he was on vacation in Costa Rica and after a long night of partying he decided to talk a walk on the beach. While walking, the man trips over something in the sand. He pulls it out and dusts it off. Immediately after dusting, a genie pops out and says you may have 1 wish, anything you'd like.
Before the man could continue, the bartender interrups and says "so you wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
At the pearly gates, St Peter asks the first one:
"What did you do on Earth, son?"
I was a lawyer for public interest, i helped people keep their jobs"
"Come in, son!"
"And you?" to the second guy.
"I was a doctor, i helped people be healthy"
"Please come in, son"
Third guy answers: "I was a musician"
St Peter: "Oh, there's a door in the back"
Baroque
They just decompose.
But he didn't listen
You compare their scores.
The judge looked down from his elevated position and asked "First Offender?"
The accused replied "No your honour, first a Gibson then a Fender".
One composes, the other decomposes...
I worked in an orange juice factory but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
I worked in the woods as a lumber jack but I just couldn't hack it. They gave me the ax.
I worked as a tailor but I wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
I worked in a muffler factory but it was too exhausting.
I attempted to be a deli worker but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
I worked as a musician but I found out I wasn't note worthy.
I worked as a doctor but I didn't have any patience.
I became a professional fisherman but I found out I couldn't live on my net income.
I worked as a pool maintenance worker but it was too draining.
I worked at the zoo, feeding giraffes, but I wasn't up to it.
I worked as a historian but found out that there's no future in that.
I worked at Starbucks but I quit because it was always the same old grind.
"Dad, when I grow up I want to be a musician."
His father responded, "I'm sorry, son, you can't have it both ways."
Bach.
Just look at Beethoven. Everyone said he couldn't be a musician because he was deaf. But did he listen?
It was so strange to see a hipster who liked older music, so I had to ask, What about his music did you like so much?
I just love underground artists he replied.
A trebled man
Rock musician talks about his recent band tour,
- "and after all taxes were paid and such, I was able to afford a nice little yacht from the remaining money."
The classical musician smiles and says,
- "Well, kinda nice. My orchestra sold so many records though, I was even able to afford a new mansion this month."
They curiously look at the jazz musician, who says,
- "Oh! Well... I... recently bought a new sweatshirt..."
- "And the rest of the money?"
- "My mum gave me the rest."
He only liked it in A-minor.
St. Peter asks him who he is, he replies I'm a surgeon, I help the crippled to walk and the blind to see Come on in, St Peter says. Next a teacher shows up, St Peter asks who he is, I'm a Teacher, I help educate the ignorant and prepared them for successful careers . St Peter says "come on in". A musician comes along St Peter asks who he is, and he says I was a Musician, I make depressed people happy and I give lonely people a reason to go out and celebrate life . St Peter says That's great, you can load your gear in through the kitchen
If you could be reincarnated as any famous musician in history, Who would it be.
He replies "I'll be Bach."
He must be Haydn.
Fan-fucking-tastic!
they I decided it was time to have "the sax talk"
A virgin
Two musicians are walking down the street, and one says to the other, "Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"
The other replies, "That was no piccolo, that was my fife."
Arnold Palmer
Now he is quite Baroque.
"I'll be Bach".
He was Baroque.
A rock-czar
Using A minor
Lil' Jon and Beethoven.
They made a log-rhythm.
Years ago, my friend, who's a mathematician, moved out to the woods to become a musician. I thought it was weird that chose that route but people do what they do, right?
Anyway, i saw him at the grocery store today and asked him what he had been up to.
"Oh you know, just bustin out logarithims."
Well, I don't quite remember what he did, but he was in pretty big treble!
He has a tempo tantrum.
Follow Beethoven's example. People said he was never going to be a musician because he was deaf. Did he listen to them? Of course not.
He sees a musician carrying a violin case going the opposite way. He stops him and asks: "How do I get to Carnegie Hall?"
Without missing a beat, the musician replies, "Practice, practice, practice."
First thing is, that I don't have the talent and the second is, that I cannot C sharp due to my glasses
A blunt instrument
He replied I'd be Bach
He was going out for a drink after a show with his friend and was nervous about leaving his instrument in the car as he didn't want to get it stolen. His friend told him it was alright and nobody would try to steal an accordion. After a night of drinking they walk back to the car and notice a window is broken. The musician is mad at his friend for letting him leave the instrument until they get to the car and find two accordions.
The bar door barred the bored bard.
So that the musician would have a place to put their beer.
I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.
Neither one can feed a family of four.
He drove over something sharp and got a flat tire.
He was caught fingering A-minor.
We have collected gags and puns about Musician to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Musician? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Musician pick up lines to share with friends.