Muscle Jokes
92 muscle jokes and hilarious muscle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about muscle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of muscle jokes. From puns to one-liners, we've got all the jokes you need to get your workout started on the right foot.
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Funniest Muscle Short Jokes
Short muscle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The muscle humour may include short muscular jokes also.
- What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.
- Why did the priest go to the gym? For muscle mass.
I thought of this one in the shower this morning. - What kind of award do you give someone who has not moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy.
- Not to brag, but I consider myself as a mix between Rambo and Einstein... ...I have Rambo's intelligence and Einstein's muscles.
- After divorcing from my ten year marriage, I started dating again and was soon using muscles I'd forgotten I had. Mainly when I smiled.
- What does the Mandalorian say after he starts a new diet to gain more muscle? This is the whey.
- What kind of prize do you give someone who hasn't used their muscles at all for the past year? A trophy
- Meteor Meatier joke God: Hey Angel, did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked? I asked you to make them meatier.
Angel: Make them… a meteor. - Did you know there's a species of antelope that can jump higher than a two story house? This is mostly because the antelope has powerful hind leg muscles, and houses can't jump.
- Anatomy joke What muscle is most responsible for lateral rotation of the neck?
The gluteus maximus
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Muscle One Liners
Which muscle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with muscle? I can suggest the ones about tissue and body part.
- What do you get for winning a muscle loss competition? Atrophy.
- What do you give to someone who hasn't moved a muscle in over a year? A trophy
- What is first prize in a competition to lose muscle mass? a trophy.
- What did the winner of the muscle loss contest receive as a prize? Atrophy
- What do you give to someone who hasn't used their muscles In a long time? A trophy
- What do you win if you don't move a single muscle all week? A trophy!
- Today I learned all about the orbicularis oculi muscles. Quite the eye opener I tell ya
- What do you get for losing the most muscle? Atrophy
- I pulled a muscle digging for gold... It's just a miner injury.
- What do you call a Jewish bodybuilder that's a member of the aristocracy? Muscle-Toff
- Why did the muscle miss class? ...because it wasn't a-tendon!
- I have great muscle memory I totally remember when I was in shape.
- A surgeon just removed my son's cardiac muscle. That's disheartening.
- What do you call a Mexican with small muscles? No whey José.
- I just got a trophy for the world's weakest muscles! What trophy?
Dystrophy
Muscle Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny muscle man jokes and even better muscle man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the man get for winning the muscle relaxing contest? Atrophy!
- One muscle fibre had told the other that it had killed a man... the other muscle fibre replied why are you actin up, I have myosin's to deal with.
Pulled Muscle Jokes
Here is a list of funny pulled muscle jokes and even better pulled muscle puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Being a bachelor is dangerous. I pulled a groin muscle while getting out of bed. Over and over and over....
- I went to a sea-themed disco the other day.. I pulled a muscle.
- Why did the prawn leave the night club early? Because he pulled a muscle.
Saw this outside my local fishmongers. - Did you hear about the oyster who went to the ball? He pulled a muscle
- I went to a seafood disco i pulled a muscle
- What happen when you pull a muscle? You start tendon to it.
Now, don't go breaking any bones, even though I know you are cracking up at this. - Did you hear about the clam that went to a disco? He pulled a muscle
- Why did the prawn leave the nightclub? Because he pulled a muscle.
- I pulled a groin muscle getting out of bed this morning... over and over and over.....
- What did the lobster do at the disco? Pulled a muscle.
Muscle Mass Jokes
Here is a list of funny muscle mass jokes and even better muscle mass puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Saw a group of bodybuilding priests at the gym today Talk about muscle mass
- I bought a muscle car, though I thought it was kinda ironic when comparing it's title to my physical mass... I'm not a car.
Muscle Car Jokes
Here is a list of funny muscle car jokes and even better muscle car puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a muscle car that won't start? All torque, no action.
- I just replaced a bunch of parts on my Chevy muscle car and made it a Pontiac muscle car. Now it's a trans Trans-Am.
- Elon Musk is making an American muscle car... He's calling it a Muskang.
- What did the police car say to the muscle car? Torque
Uplifting Muscle Jokes to have Hilarious Fun with Friends
What funny jokes about muscle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean body organ jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make muscle pranks.
I pulled a muscle m**......
I know, I know; you're not supposed to put the punchline in the title.
So a blind man walks into a bar..
A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Hey, do you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bartender replies "Look buddy, im blonde, and I am 200 pounds of pure muscle. The guy next to you is blond too, and he is 250 pounds, and the guy on the other side is also blonde, he is 300 pounds of bulk, are you still sure you want to tell that joke?"
The blind man replies "Never mind, I dont wanna have to repeat it 5 times."
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
Three Engineers
A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a civil engineer are sitting around and talking about God.
The mechanical engineer says, "God is a mechanical engineer. Just look at the human body - a light-weight skeleton with moving parts holding up a massive frame of muscle and fat. God must be a mechanical engineer!"
The electrical engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is an electrical engineer. Just look at the human body - the nerve system routes electrical signals to the brain which is essentially a computer. God must be an electrical engineer!"
The civil engineer disagrees. "No, no. God is a civil engineer. Just look at the human body - only a civil engineer would run a toxic waste pipe through a playground."
When Little Johnny grew out of diapers, his dad had to teach him how to pee like a man...
"Listen here, son, this is how you do it," says Daddy.
1. Unzip your pants
2. Pull out your equipment
3. Pull back your f**...
4. Relax the muscle that's holding in the pee
5. Push back your f**...
6. Put your equipment back,
7. Zip back up.
Later that day Johnny's sister, Little Jane, runs up to her dad exasperated. "Daddy, Daddy! Johnny's hogging the bathroom!" "That's fine," responds Daddy, "he's learning how to pee like a man." "No he's not!" yells Jane. "He's just in there shouting, 'Three, five, three, five, three, five..."
Norwegians like to joke about the inferior intellect of our Swedish neighbors. This is my favorite joke:
A Norwegian is sitting at the bar and enjoying a nice drink. He turns to the large muscle man sitting by his side and asks: "Do you wan't to hear a joke about the swedes?"
The man replies: "Well, buddy, before you tell that joke I'd like you to know this: I am the current Swedish heavy weight boxing champion. The guy next to me won the Swedish wrestling championship five times and the guy sitting next to him represented Sweden in the Olympic games as a weight lifter. Are you absolutely sure you wan't to tell that joke?"
The Norwegian thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Meh, Not if I have to explain the joke THREE times."
Do you know how I feel about muscle relaxers?
I v**....
What muscle group do you use the most when kidnapping someone?
The abductors.
What's the strongest muscle on a pig?
The hamstring.
Where does Muscle Milk come from?
Muscle mammary
I'm taking a course with a focus on muscle fatigue.
I don't want to talk about it.
...It's a sore subject.
guy just got out of prison
And he's talking about his first night there with a buddy. He was assigned a cell on the third tier balcony, with a 300 lb muscle head. So he says his new cell mate gave him an ultimatum: have s**..., or jump off the blacony.
His buddy then asks, "so did you jump? "
He answers, "just a little at first"
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Is a terrible thing to say to someone with a muscle eating disease.
My mother went to the doctor complaining of muscle pain, joint pain and frequent headaches
The doctor examined her and diagnosed her with hypochondria. She replied 'oh no, not that as well'.
I had a health scare recently...
My doctor said I had arthritis, I has so shocked I couldn't move a muscle... atleast I think that's the reason.
You know it's bad
When you have no sporty hobbies and have finger muscle memory for a keyboard.
My friend told me about a new supplement to radically increase your muscle growth...
I told him "no way!" and he replied "actually it's all whey."
How do you congratulate a Jewish bodybuilder?
Muscle Tov!
I was complaining about my lack of muscle growth to a buddy of mine in the gym...
Me: I come here everyday, 3 hours each day and I look the same as I did 6 months ago.
Buddy: No whey!
Why did the bodybuilder borrow a dictionary?
Because he wanted to know how to define muscle.
What hurts more than a breakup?
Muscle cramps.
Why don't pirates have gluteal muscle spasms?
Because they already seize the b**...!
After getting acupuncture, my chronic muscle pain is completely gone.
The pin really is mightier than the sore.
What do you call the death notice of someone who died from a muscle relaxant overdose?
A barbiturary.
What did the policeman shout when he caught seafood thieves red-handed?
NOBODY MOVE A MUSCLE.
A muscle cell walks into a bar
Muscle cell *coughs and sneezes*
Bartender "oh my god, what did you contract?"
Muscle cell "Nah I was only Actin"
WW3 starts...
and Germany instantly attacks their ally France out of muscle memory.
What kind of award do you get for being a #1 couch potato?
A trophy. Muscle atrophy.
What do Jewish men say to each other after a hard session at gym?
"Muscle tough"
Outside the pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching into a pole for dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle just standing there, frozen.
The pharmacist goes up to his assistant and asks: What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?
Assistant replies: Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.
Pharmacist says: He seems to be fine now.
Assistant replies: Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market. Now he won't dare cough!
A lot of guys struggle to add muscle
Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes h**..., but still.
A substitute teacher enters the class and asks:
"What do we call it when a muscle moves in our body involuntarily?"
No answer comes from the students. After waiting for a while the teacher decides to move on with another topic, but he sees a reluctant hand rising from the back row. The teacher tells him to answer. The kid replies:
"A tick, sir"
"Very good, son! What is your name?"
"Tavit"
What kind of prize do you give to a person that hasn't moved a muscle in over a year?
Atrophy
Pill commercials nowadays be like
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