Murphy Jokes

72 murphy jokes and hilarious murphy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about murphy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Tired of corny jokes about Paddy & Murphy? Look no further. We've got the best Murphy jokes around! From quips about the famous Murphy bed to crazy stories about Jaysus, Walsh, and Shamus, this compilation of Murphy jokes is sure to put a smile on your face and make you laugh out loud. So, what are you waiting for? Get ready to be tickled pink with these funny Murphy jokes!

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Funniest Murphy Short Jokes

Short murphy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The murphy humour may include short aye jokes also.

  1. You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's law? It's... shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, maybe some carrot.
  2. When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys... I was touched...
  3. Have you heard of Murphy's Law? It states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Have you heard of Coles Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.
  4. Murphy's law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
  5. You're surely familiar with Murphy's Law, but do you know what Cole's Law is? It's a cabbage salad, often served as a side dish at a BBQ.
  6. Everybody's heard of Murphy's Law: "if something can go wrong, it will go wrong." However, few people know of Cole's Law... It's thinly sliced cabbage and mayonnaise.
  7. An Irishman goes to a doctor Doctor: I'm not completely sure what's bothering you Murphy but it might be because of heavy drinking.
    Murphy: Oh don't worry doc, I'll just come back when you're sober
  8. "The police are looking for a man with one eye named Murphy." "What's the other eye called?"
  9. You've all heard of "Murphy's Law," but have you heard of "Cole's Law"? It's pretty much just cabbage and mayonnaise.
  10. The more I think about it the more Murphy's law makes sense. The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is indeed not to ask a question but to post the wrong answer.

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Murphy One Liners

Which murphy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with murphy? I can suggest the ones about paddy and murphy and murphy and paddy.

  1. We all know Murphy's Law, but little is known of Cole's Law "Shredded Cabbage."
  2. What do you call Cole slaw that got made wrong? Murphy Slaw!
  3. Murphy–Snowden Law of Fluid Dynamics Everything leaks out eventually.
  4. If a take and bake pizza can go wrong, it will. Papa Murphy's law.
  5. What do you get when you cross Eddie Murphy with Eddie Money? Two Tickets to America
  6. Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
  7. What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP
    RIP Charlie Murphy
  8. Newfie word of the day: defeat Jesus Murphy mudder shouts, yer shoes go on de feet.
  9. I love dark humor... Eddie Murphy, Kevin Hart, Kat Williams, Chappelle
  10. You know about Murphy's Law, but do you know Cole's Law? It's just sliced cabbage
  11. Best pizza joint in all of the Pacific Islands? Papua Murphy's
  12. Why can't Charlie Murphy fly United? Because he is dead.
  13. Charlie Murphy has died. He died because of Murphy's Law
  14. Papa Murphy's slogan : Love at 425 degrees. Subway's new slogan : Love at 6 inches.
  15. p**... and Murphy walk into a bar... Hand in hand

Murphy Law Jokes

Here is a list of funny murphy law jokes and even better murphy law puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Everybody knows of Murphy's law, anything that can go wrong, will. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's usually just finely shredded cabbage.
  • What's the difference between Murphy's Law and Cole's Law? Murphy's Law is the idea of anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. Cole's Law is just thinly sliced cabbage.
  • You've all heard of Murphy's Law, but have you heard of Cole's Law? It's shredded cabbage and carrot in mayonnaise.
  • Laws -Have you heard of Murphy's law?
    -Yes, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
    -What about Cole's Law?
    -No, what is it?
    -Thinly sliced cabbage drizzled with mayonnaise and sour cream
  • -Have you heard of Murphy's Law \-Yes, anything can go wrong will go wrong
    \-What's about Cole's law?
    \-It's a thin-slice cabbage dripped in mayonnaise and sour cream
  • Murphy's Law : If there's any way they can do it wrong, they will . But Cole's Law: thats just cabbage.
  • Have you heard about Murphy's Law? Yes. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong. How about Cole's Law? No. It's julienned cabbage in a creamy dressing.
  • You may know Murphy's law, but have you heard of Coles law? It is a side dish consisting primarily of finely shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, commonly either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.
  • Have you heard of Murphy's Law? Yes it's if something can go wrong it will go wrong.
    Have you heard of Coles Law?
    No. What's that?
    It's finely shredded raw cabbage in a dressing.
  • Have you heard of Murphy's law? Ok, but have you heard of Cole's law? It's thinly sliced cabbage

Paddy & Murphy Jokes

Here is a list of funny paddy & murphy jokes and even better paddy & murphy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • p**... and Murphy find a mirror p**... and Murphy find a mirror. p**... picks it up, has a look and says to Murphy " that bloke looks really familiar ". Murphy grabs it off him " Its me you idiot "
  • What ringtone have you got? Murphy asked p**..., "What ringtone have you got?"
    p**... said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown
  • p**... and Murphy walking down the street, p**... falls over, p**... says 'Murphy, call me an ambulance' Murphy says.. PAAAADDY IS AN AMBULANCE!!
  • p**... asks Murphy, 'Why do scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?"
    Murphy replies, "If they fell forwards they'd still be on the f*cking boat!"
  • p**... and Murphy are on a rollercoaster and are about to do a 360 degrees loop... p**... says "Do you think we'll fall out when we go round?"
    Murphy says "No, we'll always be friends"
Murphy joke, p**... and Murphy are on a rollercoaster and are about to do a 360 degrees loop...

Murphy joke, p**... and Murphy are on a rollercoaster and are about to do a 360 degrees loop...

Hilarious Fun Murphy Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter

What funny jokes about murphy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean paddy & murphy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make murphy pranks.

An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a
stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the n**.... This being
the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed,
particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in
fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while
he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked
much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the
decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The
wife says it's okay.
"I'll paint you in the n**... all right; but I have to at least leave me
socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when p**... Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell p**...'s wife... who will it be?" 
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." 
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.

p**... has s**... for the first time

After finding out p**... had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was.
"It was amazing," p**... gushed. "As we were both virgins, made it even more special; it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet."
"Why was that?" Asked Murphy.
"Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door," p**... replied.

A catholic schoolgirl goes to church for confession...

When she gets to the church, she notices that the confessional is occupied, so she sits down in a nearby pew. A short time later, the confessional door opens, and her best friend exits. The friend sits next to the girl, who asks her, "So... what did you confess to?"
"I told Father Murphy I gave my boyfriend a h**... in the back seat of the car. He told me to say ten Hail Marys and wash my hands in the font of holy water."
The first girl winces and says, "Well, you might want to wait. When I'm finished confessing, I'm probably going to have to gargle in it."

p**... and Murphy are in a dark cave.

p**... says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?"
Murphy hands p**... a match, which p**... strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing.
p**... says to Murphy "This match doesn't work."
"That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earlier."

I hope Jackie Chan doesn't go the way of Eddie Murphy...

I probably wouldn't be able to discern if he was playing every character in a movie or not.

Two Irishmen are looking for a job.

They come across a sign, that reads, "Tree Fellers". Pat and Murphy look at each other and exclaim, "If only Seamus was here, we would've had the job!"

p**... And Murphy Are In The Pub

p**... and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. p**... says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"

Murphy and Seamus

Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.
Murphy says: BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.
Seamus replies: Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!

The Priest who couldn't swear!

Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the 1st hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, Hoover! under his breath.
On the 2nd hole, Father Murphy's ball went straight into a water hazard. Hoover! again, a little louder this time.
On the 3rd hole, a miracle occurred, and Father Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! Praise be to God!
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. Hoover!
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said, Hoover.
It's the biggest dam I know.

NJ Gov Elect Phil Murphy says he's going to legalize m**... in his first 100 days. What's going to be higher than NJ residents?

Their taxes.

I hated Shrek

Eddie Murphy was just a real j**...

Two Irish fellas, p**... and Murphy are looking for a job

They are walking down the road when they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted - apply within"
p**... says "Hey Murphy, if we find another person we can apply for that".

TIL: For the past decade, Eddie Murphy has been researching and studying the health benefits of almonds.

He has become the Nutty Professor.

Two Irishmen have a bright idea...

p**... and Murphy are working on a building site. p**... says to Murphy,
"I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: "p**..., go home. You've gone mad."
So p**... leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.
"Where do you think you're going?" asks the foreman.
"Well, I can't work in the friggin dark!" said Murphy.

Girlfriend accidentaly got pregnant and she wants to keep the baby

I've decided to call the baby Murphy.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

All of them. First Peter Murphy does it, then Andrew Eldritch does it, and then the rest of them argue endlessly over who did it better.

If you could have s**... with any dead celebrity, who would it be?

I'd choose Brittany Murphy because she'd still be relatively fresh.

Two Irishmen, p**... and Murphy are flying in a stunt plane.

p**... says to Murphy, If I fly this here plane upside down, will we fall out?
Murphy replies Don't be daft p**...! We've been pals for 30 years - it'll take more than an upside down plane for us to fall out!

p**... is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.

He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick". Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" p**... replies "No I only live round the corner".

Irish Confession

Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!

Irish Expedition to the Sun

The newspaper asks captain Murphy aren't you worried about the heat. Murphy replies ...ahh we thought of that, we're going at night.

A priest is up giving a sermon one Sunday morning

The priest tries a experiment. He tells everyone stand up all those who want to go to heaven! And everyone stands up. He then tells them to sit back down. Then he says stand up all those who want to go to h**... and one man stands up, Murphy. So the priest says Murphy why on earth do you want to go to h**...? Murphy replied oh no father, I don't want to go to h**..., I couldn't bear to see ya standing up there by yourself
Write it down it's a good one!

Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?

Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?
Sure, I rather have Parkinson's , replied Sean
'Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!

After many years in America, the local Korean owner of a convenience store was asked how it was that his name is Patrick Murphy.

When I come to America, there was long line of immigrants from all over the world. When immigration officer ask man in front of me where he comes from & what his name he tell him, " I'm from Ireland & my name is Patrick Murphy!" Then immigration officer writes his name down and tells him to go on to next line.
Then immigration officer ask me where I come from & my name and I tell him, " I am from Korean and my name is Sam Ting!"

Murphy in London

Murphy found himself in the London underground subway station, at four o'clock in the morning. He walked along to the escalator, on the escalator it is written, Dogs must be carried on the escalator. he thought, God, where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?

p**... & Murphy are working on a building site.

p**... and Murphy are working on a building site.
p**... says to Murphy, I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad! He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts, I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: p**..., go home. You've gone mad.
So p**... leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
Where do you think you're going? asks the foreman.
Well, I can't work in the friggin dark! said Murphy.

Murphy joke, p**... & Murphy are working on a building site.

jokes about murphy