Murphy Jokes
59 murphy jokes and hilarious murphy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about murphy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Tired of corny jokes about Paddy & Murphy? Look no further. We've got the best Murphy jokes around! From quips about the famous Murphy bed to crazy stories about Jaysus, Walsh, and Shamus, this compilation of Murphy jokes is sure to put a smile on your face and make you laugh out loud. So, what are you waiting for? Get ready to be tickled pink with these funny Murphy jokes!
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Funniest Murphy Short Jokes
Short murphy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The murphy humour may include short aye jokes also.
- When I was an altar boy, Father Murphy always said that I was his favorite and was so much nicer than the other boys... I was touched...
- An Irishman goes to a doctor Doctor: I'm not completely sure what's bothering you Murphy but it might be because of heavy drinking.
Murphy: Oh don't worry doc, I'll just come back when you're sober - "The police are looking for a man with one eye named Murphy." "What's the other eye called?"
- The more I think about it the more Murphy's law makes sense. The best way to get the right answer on the Internet is indeed not to ask a question but to post the wrong answer.
- Murphy's Law : If there's any way they can do it wrong, they will . But Cole's Law: thats just cabbage.
- Girlfriend accidentaly got pregnant and she wants to keep the baby I've decided to call the baby Murphy.
- Irish Expedition to the Sun The newspaper asks captain Murphy aren't you worried about the heat. Murphy replies ...ahh we thought of that, we're going at night.
- The difference between a Life Scout and an Eagle Scout. A Life Scout is ready for anything. The Eagle Scout is ready for Murphy's Law.
- I just mixed a cup of Murphy's Oil Soap with 2 pounds of shredded cabbage. That's right, I'm making Murphy's slaw.
- How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them. First Peter Murphy does it, then Andrew Eldritch does it, and then the rest of them argue endlessly over who did it better.
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Murphy One Liners
Which murphy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with murphy? I can suggest the ones about paddy and murphy and murphy and paddy.
- What do you call Cole slaw that got made wrong? Murphy Slaw!
- Murphy–Snowden Law of Fluid Dynamics Everything leaks out eventually.
- If a take and bake pizza can go wrong, it will. Papa Murphy's law.
- What do you get when you cross Eddie Murphy with Eddie Money? Two Tickets to America
- Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
- What did the five fingers say to the face? SLAP
RIP Charlie Murphy - Newfie word of the day: defeat Jesus Murphy mudder shouts, yer shoes go on de feet.
- I love dark humor... Eddie Murphy, Kevin Hart, Kat Williams, Chappelle
- Best pizza joint in all of the Pacific Islands? Papua Murphy's
- Why can't Charlie Murphy fly United? Because he is dead.
- Charlie Murphy has died. He died because of Murphy's Law
- Papa Murphy's slogan : Love at 425 degrees. Subway's new slogan : Love at 6 inches.
- p**... and Murphy walk into a bar... Hand in hand
- I hated Shrek Eddie Murphy was just a real j**...
Murphy Law Jokes
Here is a list of funny murphy law jokes and even better murphy law puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If Murphy's Law is correct, then everything east of the San Andreas fault line will slide into the ocean.
- You know Murphy's law right? Have you heard of Cole's Law? It's like, chopped cabbage in mayonnaise.
- I'm guessing you guys have heard of Murphy's Law, right? It's the cynical principal that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole's Law? It's thinly sliced cabbage.
Hilarious Fun Murphy Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about murphy you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean paddy & murphy jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make murphy pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Poker
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when p**... Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell p**...'s wife... who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him," says Gallagher.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Helping The Doctor
A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.
"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in!
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her p**... and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... and Murphy walking down the street, p**... falls over, p**... says 'Murphy, call me an ambulance' Murphy says..
PAAAADDY IS AN AMBULANCE!!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... has s**... for the first time
After finding out p**... had shagged his girlfriend for the first time, Murphy asked him how it was.
"It was amazing," p**... gushed. "As we were both virgins, made it even more special; it was just a shame that we had to be fairly quiet."
"Why was that?" Asked Murphy.
"Her kids were asleep in the bedroom next door," p**... replied.
Christmas
His teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmastime?
Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?" Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...and begin to sing: What A Friend We Have in Jesus. Then we all go to the Bahamas .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A catholic schoolgirl goes to church for confession...
When she gets to the church, she notices that the confessional is occupied, so she sits down in a nearby pew. A short time later, the confessional door opens, and her best friend exits. The friend sits next to the girl, who asks her, "So... what did you confess to?"
"I told Father Murphy I gave my boyfriend a h**... in the back seat of the car. He told me to say ten Hail Marys and wash my hands in the font of holy water."
The first girl winces and says, "Well, you might want to wait. When I'm finished confessing, I'm probably going to have to gargle in it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... and Murphy find a mirror
p**... and Murphy find a mirror. p**... picks it up, has a look and says to Murphy " that bloke looks really familiar ". Murphy grabs it off him " Its me you idiot "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What ringtone have you got?
Murphy asked p**..., "What ringtone have you got?"
p**... said, "I've never really looked, but probably light brown
What did Mike Meyers say to Eddie Murphy after Eddie bought him a brand new Mercedes?
"DANKE!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... and Murphy are in a dark cave.
p**... says "It's too dark. Do you have a match?"
Murphy hands p**... a match, which p**... strikes against the wall..but nothing happens. He strikes the match again but, again, nothing.
p**... says to Murphy "This match doesn't work."
"That's strange," says Murphy. "It worked earlier."
I hope Jackie Chan doesn't go the way of Eddie Murphy...
I probably wouldn't be able to discern if he was playing every character in a movie or not.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... And Murphy Are In The Pub
p**... and Murphy are havin' a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. p**... says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cos if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the friggin boat!"
Murphy and Seamus
Two Irish pilots, Murphy and Seamus, are flying a Ryanair Ltd. jet on its final approach at Cork Airport.
Murphy says: BuayJesus! Maury an' Josefff! Look how short this runway is.
Seamus replies: Yes, but look how fookin' wide it is!
The Priest who couldn't swear!
Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the 1st hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter, Hoover! under his breath.
On the 2nd hole, Father Murphy's ball went straight into a water hazard. Hoover! again, a little louder this time.
On the 3rd hole, a miracle occurred, and Father Murphy's drive landed on the green only six inches from the hole! Praise be to God!
He carefully lined up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in. Hoover!
By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said, Hoover.
It's the biggest dam I know.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... & Murphy had just come out of O'Reilly's Tavern
p**... says to Murphy, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
Murphy stared into the sky for a moment and stops and looks at his drunken friend, "You are wrong. That's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.
"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"
The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said,
"Sorry, I don't live around here."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
NJ Gov Elect Phil Murphy says he's going to legalize m**... in his first 100 days. What's going to be higher than NJ residents?
Their taxes.
Two Irish lads having a drink in a pub.
One says to the other where you from?
Glanmire - outside Cork replies the second
Amazing so am i! the first exclaims what school did you go too?
St Josephs he replies
St Josephs!? I went St Josephs as well!! shouts the first
The second asks what year did you graduate?
1982 comes the reply.
My lord! the 2nd stares in disbelief I graduated 1982 also!
Its gonna be a long night says the barman to a bar fly The Murphy twins are drunk again!
TIL: For the past decade, Eddie Murphy has been researching and studying the health benefits of almonds.
He has become the Nutty Professor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two Irishmen have a bright idea...
p**... and Murphy are working on a building site. p**... says to Murphy,
"I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!"
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: "p**..., go home. You've gone mad."
So p**... leaves the site. Murphy starts packing is kit up to leave as well.
"Where do you think you're going?" asks the foreman.
"Well, I can't work in the friggin dark!" said Murphy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If you could have s**... with any dead celebrity, who would it be?
I'd choose Brittany Murphy because she'd still be relatively fresh.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and getting dizzy.
He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick". Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?" p**... replies "No I only live round the corner".
Irish Confession
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. Father, forgive I think its been a while since I've been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest is up giving a sermon one Sunday morning
The priest tries a experiment. He tells everyone stand up all those who want to go to heaven! And everyone stands up. He then tells them to sit back down. Then he says stand up all those who want to go to h**... and one man stands up, Murphy. So the priest says Murphy why on earth do you want to go to h**...? Murphy replied oh no father, I don't want to go to h**..., I couldn't bear to see ya standing up there by yourself
Write it down it's a good one!
Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?
Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?
Sure, I rather have Parkinson's , replied Sean
'Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!
After many years in America, the local Korean owner of a convenience store was asked how it was that his name is Patrick Murphy.
When I come to America, there was long line of immigrants from all over the world. When immigration officer ask man in front of me where he comes from & what his name he tell him, " I'm from Ireland & my name is Patrick Murphy!" Then immigration officer writes his name down and tells him to go on to next line.
Then immigration officer ask me where I come from & my name and I tell him, " I am from Korean and my name is Sam Ting!"
Murphy in London
Murphy found himself in the London underground subway station, at four o'clock in the morning. He walked along to the escalator, on the escalator it is written, Dogs must be carried on the escalator. he thought, God, where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
p**... & Murphy are working on a building site.
p**... and Murphy are working on a building site.
p**... says to Murphy, I'm gonna get the day off. I'm gonna pretend I've gone mad! He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts, I'm a lightbulb, I'm a lightbulb!
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: p**..., go home. You've gone mad.
So p**... leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
Where do you think you're going? asks the foreman.
Well, I can't work in the friggin dark! said Murphy.
