The Best 82 Murderer Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Murderer jokes. There are some murderer theif jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these murderer murder puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Murderer Jokes and Puns

Did you hear about the Egyptian murderer who evaded capture by jumping into a river?

Police said he was in denial.

What kind of murderer has moral fiber?

A cereal killer

Did you guys hear about the murderer who stole a train in Mexico?

They say he had a loco motive.

Murderer joke, Did you guys hear about the murderer who stole a train in Mexico?

Three fetuses were talking about their futures...

"I'm gonna be a doctor when I grow up, and bring babies into the world" said the first one.

"I'm gonna be a preacher, and baptize babies!" said the next.

"I'm gonna be a murderer!" said the last.

"A murderer!" exclaimed the first two. "Why?"

"I'm gonna kill the guy who's poking me in the back every night!"

Did you hear about the doctor who killed anyone over 15 stone?

He was a mass murderer.

A lawyer, a tax-man and a murderer jump off a cliff in a race to the bottom. who wins?


A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.

The New England Patriots must be in town.

Murderer joke, A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.

Why does O.J. Simpson claim that he's not a murderer?

He's an ex-murderer.

Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?

Because he was a mass murderer

So, being ironically stupid is funny...

But being an Ironic Sociopathic Murderer is still being a murderer? I'll never get people sometimes.

What do you call someone who murders a hundred people with a potato masher?

A mash murderer.

You can explore murderer slayer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean murderer detective dad jokes. There are also murderer puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

"Get in," I said to the prostitute.

"Hey," she smiled.

I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."

"Selling my body for money?" she asked.

I said, "No, sitting in a car with a murderer."

OJ's son must have been the murderer....

... because when he went to OJ that night to borrow his car keys, OJ said, "..go aXe your mother"

The mass murderer has an inspirational poster on his wall.

"Can't spell 'slaughter' without 'laughter'"

They say there is a murderer in every group

I thought it's jack, so i killed him before he could harm somebody.

When I found out the murderer dismembered the victim,

It really tore me into pieces.

Murderer joke, When I found out the murderer dismembered the victim,

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

How do you know the Japanese mass murderer was a chef?

He spent his day cutting up vegetables

A priest asks the murderer at the electric chair....

-"Do you have any last requests? Β 

-"Yes,can you please hold my hand?"

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?

A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests? Β 

"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"

A murderer tried stand up comedy

and he killed it.

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. Yes, replied the murderer. Will you hold my hand?

On a hunch, I tried looking for the murderer at the corpse auction.

As soon as the auctioneer started it was a dead giveaway.

What do you do when there's a murderer on the loose but you can't miss out on the extra 15% off on the entire store?

You find a Safeway to Target

A convicted murderer is sentenced to death by the electric chair.

As is customary, the executioners have a priest brought in.

"Any last requests?" asks the priest.

"Yes," says the murderer, "can you please hold my hand?"

How do you become a mass murderer?


A liar, a murderer, and a thief walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "what will it be, Mrs. Clinton?"

I heard there's a guy that destroyed a group of Higgs Boson particles.

He's a mass murderer.

If I killed all of your friends.

I still wouldn't be a murderer

Why was the murderer famous?

Because everybody was **dying** to meet him.

There's a sociopathic​ murderer on the loose, and reports are saying he is constantly smoking marijuana.

Police are calling him the weedkiller.

Little Johnny sometimes mixed up words while speaking

And one day he was facing a murderer. Little Johnny said "Police donut kill meme!"

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door."

"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."

The case of the Garden Murderer was dismissed

Apparently all the evidence was planted

"You like that meat, you MURDERER?" said my vegan girlfriend

I just wish we could have one dinner without her reminding me of the time I shot her mom in the head

When trying to persuade the creation of Making a Murderer I bet the winning argument was...

they would make a killing from it

What food does an axe murderer think is the best aphrodisiac?

Chopped dates

I've dedicated my life to find my wife's murderer.

If you can recommend someone, let me know.

A man was arrested when his house was found to be full of crows.

He was a murderer.

Morgue Murderer Caught

The infamous Morgue Murderer was finally apprehended for his crimes of breaking into morgues and brutally slitting the throats of unsuspecting employees.

It turns out that it really never pays to cut coroners.

A convicted murderer is on death row, and is scheduled to be killed via electric chair. The prison warden asks: 'Do you have any final requests'?

The murderer responds: 'Can you please hold my hand'?

A man witnesses a murder

The police bring him in to a sketch artist, the sketch artist asks him questions about the murderer until he finishes his drawing. The sketch artist then asks the man "does this look like the murderer?" the man replies with "it's an awful good drawing and all, but it looks nothing like the picture I took".

A police officer, a Klansman and a murderer walk into a bar...

And then he sits down and orders a drink.

Did you hear they sentenced that murderer in Scotland?

He was found the kilty party

When you insult a deaf-mute murderer in sign language's a deaf-sentence.

What do you call a murderer who is also a fraud?

Jack the Rip-off.

What do you tell a narcissistic murderer?

You're Killing it!

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

My friend got arrested for saying he was an axe murderer.

Turns out he's just a really bad guitarist.

What's the difference between a murderer in Texas and Microsoft Word?

Nothing. They're both executable.

A klansmen, a domestic abuser and a murderer walk into a bar...

The bartender asks what'll it be officer?

What do you call a church shooter?

Mass murderer

Where does a murderer ride his bike?

A cycle path.

DNA results have finally came back

Turns out I am the murderer

What do you call a murderer who goes camping?

Criminal intent

A murderer breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep...

A murderer breaks in to a Republican couple's house while they're asleep.

He turns on the lights and begins tying them each to a chair.

Before he can grab the wife, the husband yells: "Honey, my birthday presents! Use them!"

The woman nods in agreement and rips open her top to reveal a pair of enormous, symmetrical plastic hooters.

The husband yells: "No! I meant the golf clubs from last year!"

Murderer: I'm gonna kill you

Me:what's the catch

What a murderer do in a delivery room?

Spawn camp

A murderer, politician and religious man walks into a bar

and that's only the first guy

A detetive was hired for a job

he found out the murderer was a leather container for carrying documents almost immediately

it was a brief case

What do you call a serial killer who kills 2 people in one year, 4 the next, and 16 the year after?

A second degree murderer.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, Do you have any last words?

The murderer said, Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

So, I hadn't showered for a week by the day I killed my wife. I tied her up and told her that I'd cut her apart while she was still alive, and she told me, 'At least cut my nose off first.'

Everyone there burst out laughing. The hangman said, That joke was about something terrible! Why was it so funny?

Well, I believe you can make a joke about any topic funny, said the murderer. After all, good comedy is all about execution.

They say that there is a potential murderer in every friend group

I suspected it was Dave so I killed him before he could harm anyone.

A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into the direction of a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person?

Policeman : No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision to make. But tell me how did you end up killing 11 people?

Suspect : Well that asshole ran towards the other 10.

An ax murder is on a date with a girl, and he suggests a short cut through the woods to a special spot...

As they walk the sun starts to set.
The girl asks, Are we almost there it's getting dark?
The ax murderer says they're close and it's just a little further up.

They keep walking and get deeper and deeper into the woods.
All of a sudden there is a howl in the distance!
The girl say, Are we almost there I'm getting scared?!

The ax murderer says, >! YOU'RE scared? I have to walk out of here alone! !<

My girlfriend asked me why im always so quiet.

Well, no one plans a murderer out loud.

Five minutes after I'd picked him up the hitchhiker turned to me and asked whether I was at all nervous that he could be a murderer.

"Not at all", I replied. "What are the odds of both of us being killers?"

Did you hear about the serial murderer who wrote an autobiography?

I heard he made a killing on it

Today I read that the average group of friends has 1 murderer...

Greg was acting very suspicious latetly so I had to kill him before he could do any harm.

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant (pre Covid)

Suddenly, a girl walked towards me and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, MURDERER??"

"Seriously Vanessa, it was 20 years ago and your dad had a knife..."

Did you hear about the murderer who wrote a really short autobiography in prison?

It was a life sentence

8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim's phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away in a blue Ford Mondeo
- 8:45 PM, Realise watch is broken. Amazon estimates a 2-3 day wait for a new watch

a murderer joins a party

he killed the mood instantly

What do you call a serial killer that only kills fat people?

A mass murderer

What do you call a murderer who can't speak?

Silent but deadly

A murderer was secured to the electric chair, about to be executed.

The chaplain approached him and asked, "Do you have any last requests?"

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Would you hold my hand?"

What did the axe murderer say when he was in a hurry?

Chop chop.

I picked up a hitchhiker the other night on the way home from work.

He said "aren't you worried I'm might have been a murderer or something?"

I said, "what's the chances of there being two murderers in the same car at the same time??.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?" "Yes, " replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand? "

My son came up with this joke, I'm pretty proud of him

What do you call a murderer who rides a pedal bike?

A cycle path!

My son came up with this one, I think I have to change roles with him.

What do you call a murderer who rides a pedal bike?

A cycle path!

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the murderer killer jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working murderer thief piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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