Murdered Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I just murdered a tree and put its decorated corpse on display in my living room.

For Jesus.

How many billionaires does it take to make a superhero?

Three. Two to get murdered and one to never get over it.

A king gets murdered in his sleep...

Two of his most loyal servants found the body, with a sword in the king's chest. One the servants turns to the other and says "Wow, he must have had a bad knight."

The world champion in ventriloquism was murdered yesterday.

His scream was heard a mile away.

I'm immortal

Have you ever noticed that it's only 'perfect' people who are murdered or killed in horrific accidents?

"He was the perfect son" or "She was the perfect daughter."

"Such a tragic accident they were the perfect family."

"They died together, the perfect couple till the end."

Makes me glad I abuse my kids and beat up my wife.

Kind of makes me immortal.

I murdered the pizza delivery man for messing up my order and had to cover it up.

I ordered another pizza to calm my nerves and the second delivery man noticed the body, so I had to kill him too. Now I feel even more nervous so I ordered yet another pizza. I think it's starting to become a domino effect.

Did you hear what happened to that NFL player that murdered several people?

He was suspended.

Did you hear about the fractal that was murdered in the street?

It took police forever to draw the chalk outline.


A blind man, a deaf man and a mute are murdered.

These are senseless killings

What do you get when you cross Prince Charles and the queen?

Murdered in a tunnel in France.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

A serial killer was finally caught

Over the course of his criminal career, he has murdered twenty lawyers, but one of his victims didn't fit the pattern, as he was a priest, not a lawyer. When asked about why he murdered the priest, he chuckles and says "Knew nobody would give a damn about twenty lawyers."

What do you get when you cross a gangster and a serial killer?


(If you don't get it: "cross" can mean "betray")

Did you hear about the guy that got murdered by a starter pistol?

Cops said it was race related

Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Seven brutally raped, murdered, and cannibalized Nine. Please stop downplaying what Seven did.

Holmes and Watson were investigating a murder at an archaeological dig-site

Holmes picks up several of the rocks and pebbles surrounding the murder victim. After a while, Holmes turns to his companion and says "I've cracked the case. The suspect was clearly murdered with a blow to the head by a rock, which then crumbled and scattered into pieces."

"How on Earth can you tell?" exclaims Watson.

"It's sedimentary, my dear Watson."

I just watched a film where a man's wife is brutally murdered and his son is left physically disabled...

...Then in a twisted turn of events, his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.

Finding Nemo is a real thriller!

72 virgins in Heaven

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied,
"Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because bastards like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"


Friend 1: I just watched a film in which a man's wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and has to chase thr kidnapper thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman.

Friend 2 : Uhhh....what was it called?

Friend 1: Finding Nemo

A yoga teacher was murdered...

...they're saying it was premeditated.

My barrister

You have to tell me the truth," my barrister said. "It doesn't matter to me if you're guilty or not, I just don't want to be surprised in court."

"Ok, I raped and murdered those prostitutes." I admitted.

"Interesting, but can we get back to this shoplifting charge please?"

I told my wife "Beware the Ides of March!"

I told my wife "Beware the Ides of March! I'm in the mood to do some stabbing from behind, if you know what I mean. "

She said, "I just might die of surprise if you make it to 23 stabs!"

So yeah, only my ego got murdered today.

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Philip?

Murdered in a tunnel in Paris

A vietnamese contract killer named Pung burst into a bar and promptly murdered the 10 people inside.

Pung in, ten dead.

You know you are getting old when a bunch of annoying teenagers get murdered in a horror movie

and you relate more with the killer.

the bear and his list

It's rumored in the forest, that the bear has a deathlist with the names of all animals he's going to kill. All of the animals are worried about that rumor.

The deer decides first to go to the bear's cave and ask him out about his list.
Deer: "Is it true, that you have a deathlist?"
Bear: "Yes, that's true."
Deer: "And is my name on the list?"
Bear: "Yep."

In panic, the deer runs out of the cave and into the woods. The next day the other animals find the deer's corpse in the forest - brutally murdered and without his head.

Then boar also decides to ask out the bear about his list and visits him in his cave.
Boar: "So there's your list..."
Bear: "Yes, that's my list."
Boar: "You know... is my name on it?"
Bear: "Yes, your name is on my list."

Same as the deer, the boar flees in panic and the next day the animals also find the boar's corpse in the forest.

So the rabbit starts to think about the situation. He decides also to visit the bear.
Rabbit: "So, bear, I heard you have a death list."
Bear: "Yes, I have a deathlist."
Rabbit: "And is my name on this list?"
Bear: "Yes, your name is also on my list."
Rabbit: "Okay... is it possible to delete my name from the list?"

The bear just responds: "Sure, no problem."

What do you call an 85 year old Jewish man that murdered his wife?


A man dies and goes to hell

A man dies and goes to hell. Once he reaches hell he learns that people go to hell depending on how many people hated them. He knows this because he murdered many people and was voted to be executed. He sees someone next to his apartment and says,"Hi what did you do to deserve being here?" The man says,"I don't know but I just fixed people's fences as a living." Suddenly, the devil comes and says,"You reposted, and everyone hates reposters."

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home...

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home.

A local man was murdered in his home over the weekend.

Detectives found him face down in the bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and a banana was sticking out of his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer...

2 whales

Two Whales, Bob & Brenda, are swimming in the cold arctic waters when Bob spies a boat. "It can't be!" exclaims Bob. "What" asks Brenda. "You see that boat in the distance, Brenda? Well that's the whaler that murdered my parents!" "Oh Bob, that's awful" replies Brenda. "Quick, Brenda, I have a plan! you go port side & I'll go starboard & we'll blow as hard we can out of our blow-holes & sink the boat!" so Bob & Brenda position themselves either side of the boat & blow with all their might. Sure enough, the sea turns to foam & the boat capsises throwing the sailers into the sea. Brenda turns to leave. "Where do yu think you're going?" asks bob. "We're not done yet! Now we're going to eat the sailors!" "Look" replies Brenda "I don't mind doing the blow job but there's no way I'm swallowing Seamen!!"

Years later, Kevin McCallister murdered his older brother at a family Christmas party.

It was a total buzzkill.

A man was murdered with a cinder block.

The evidence was concrete.

Did you hear about the musicians who murdered a guest at the concert?

It was very cleverly orchestrated.

Did you hear about the Hollywood actress that got murdered...?

Person 1: Her name was Reese, errr, Reese, Reese whatshername...

Person 2: Witherspoon?

Person 1: No, with a knife.

Did you know that Lil Wayne's parents were murdered right in front of him?

It was what inspired him to become the Batman.

TIL that Martin Luther King Jr got a C in public speaking

Look where it got him.


So apparently the guy who played Wolverine had a pet sea cow, but it was murdered...

It was a crime against Hugh's manatee.

Three men come up to a Priest, telling him that they have sinned, and asking him what to do...

The Priest responds to first man, asking "What is it that you have done, my son?"

The first man responds, "I murdered a man." The priest responds, "If you drink the holy water, you will be cleansed all of your sins". The man obliges, and drinks the holy water.

The priest then asks the second man, "What is it that you have done, my son?"

The second man responds, "I robbed a bank of millions of dollars." The priest again responds, If you drink the holy water, you will be cleansed of all of your sins. The second man obliges as well, and drinks the holy water.

The priest then asks the third man, "What is it that you have done, my son?"

The third man replies, "I pissed in the holy water."

Three friends: Nobody,Somebody and Mad used to live happily together

Once, Nobody and Somebody had a huge argument and in a fit of rage Somebody killed Nobody .

Horrified, Mad decided to call the cops.
Mad: Hello cops? Somebody just murdered Nobody! You need to come over quick!

Cop: What?

Mad: Somebody killed Nobody!

Cop: Sir, are you mad?

Mad: Yes sir! How did you know that?

What's it called when someone is murdered by a cabbage?


I know. It's awful.

A group of ventriloquists was murdered yesterday.

Their screams were heard a mile away.

Abraham Lincoln could never call himself a republican today.

Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.

The Mexican train operator murdered three people yesterday. He told us that the train told him to do it.

He had a loco motive.

I like going for a jog at night

The fear of getting murdered really helps my stamina.

What do you call it when a chickpea gets murdered?

A hummucide.

How well did OJ do at his hearing today?

He murdered it!

I was quite flexible when I was younger

The kids used to call me Spiderman because my uncle was murdered.

My next door neighbor was found murdered.

He was discovered face down in his bathtub that had been filled with milk. A spoon had been stuck in his ass.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

I was quite flexible and fast when I was younger. The kids at school used to call me Spider-Man.

Because my uncle was murdered

Did you hear about the murdered essay?

They can't find the body.

Who's this Rorschach guy,

And why does he keep on painting pictures of people getting murdered?

Did you hear about the reformed serial killer that murdered prostitutes by stabbing them with car keys?

He did the ho key pokey then he turned himself around.

Why did the police arrest the baseball player?

Because he allegedly murdered his wife and kids.

My friend murdered a midget yesterday.

He made short work of him.

Q: How many conspiracy theorists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We'll never know, Tesla was murdered.

Two officers are standing of the body of a rape and murder victim.

Officer 1: What do we have here?

Officer 2: This young woman was unfortunately raped and then murdered.

Officer 1: Have you found any clues?

Officer 2: We were able to find traces of semen in her ear canal.

Officer 1: I'm surprised when he approached her, she didn't turn and run!

Officer 2: What makes you think she knew he was there?

Officer 1: Well clearly, she must've heard him cumming.

2 detectives were looking over Juan's murdered, lifeless body..

when one detective says " it looks like he was killed by a golf gun". The other detective said "what's a golf gun?" The other says " I dunno, but it sure made a hole in Juan."

Did you hear about the man who murdered a dolphin?

He was said to have done it on porpoise.

A neckbeard was brutally murdered in a cornfield

It was very M'Cob

Did anyone catch the full story on that woman who got murdered in a meat grinder?

I only heard bits and pieces.

Did you hear the Coco Pops monkey was recently murdered?

Tony the Tiger, Snap, Crackle and Pop all got killed too.

Police think its the work of a serial killer.

Did you hear about the lizard in the news?

He murdered someone in cold blood

I was a very determined hall monitor at school. The other kids called me Batman,

Not because of that but because both my parents were murdered.

I used to be flexible back in highschool. In fact all my friends called me Spider-man...

mainly because my uncle was murdered.

A man is murdered in a dessert factory.

The defendant is clearly guilty, but the investigators struggle to find the murder weapon to properly incriminate him. Where could it possibly have been hidden? The lead investigator is at a loss, when one day he suddenly jumps from his desk as it comes to him.
The proof is in the pudding!

I murdered my coworker

I murdered my coworker, took off his skin, and wore his face like a mask for a month.
All because my wife told me to be Frank with her.

I just watch a movie...

...where a man's wife is brutally murdered by a serial killer and his son is left physically disabled. In a twisted turn of events his son is kidnapped and he has to chase the kidnappers for thousands of miles with the help of a mentally disabled woman. MAN FINDING NEMO IS A GREAT MOVIE!

Did you guys hear about that girl they found murdered in Colorado? They found her covered in milk with cheerios still in her mouth.

They think it was a cereal killer....

Two alligators were murdered overnight in the swamp

Looks like we need an investagator to find out the culprit.

Did you hear about the man who was murdered in an elevator?

It was wrong on so many levels.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape the Russians who burned down his home and murdered his family.
Wait... I think I meant Chechen.

What do you get when you cross the Mafia and the Yakuza?

Your entire family murdered.

Have you heard about the Scottish man who murdered people with clothing?

He kilt 30 people

Townspeople of Derry think Georgie Denborough was murdered by a clown...

But his death was later determined to be a sewercide.

A disordered protein is found brutally murdered. It looks like just another random robbery gone wrong.

A cop looks at the scene and laments:

"It's a crime without motif"

Did you hear about the cartoonist that was found dead in his home?

Apparently he was murdered, but the details are sketchy.

So there's a murder down South....

A black man was found at the bottom of a river wrapped in chains. The police arrive, along with the county sheriff, and Jesse Jackson, who had heard what happened and immediately came down.
Jesse Jackson announces to the gathered crowd, "THIS MAN HAS BEEN MURDERED!"

The sheriff looks at Jesse Jackson and replies, "This was no murder. This nigger stole so many chains he couldn't swim across the river!"

ITT: Your best (or worst) puns.

See all those crows flying over that woman with that loaf of bread?

She's going to get murdered.

What are the funniest murdered jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Murdered? Well, here are the best Murdered puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Murdered pick up lines to share with friends.

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